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  • If You Aren’t Prepared To Roll Around In Another Person’s Faeces… Use A Condom

    I’ve debated on sharing this, just because it’s so embarrassing and I failed as a mother on so many different levels. But….. I think it needs to be said, if only to serve as birth control for the younger generation. Fair warning…. TMI AND POOP! 😂

    Today after I picked up Sadie from school we went to the flood wall so I could run and they could play at the park afterwards.

    After my run, I’m sitting at the picnic table, exhausted, drenched in sweat, watching my babies play, vowing to join them as soon as I rest up. At one point Sadie goes down the slide and then walks in front of me and I see “wet” shorts. I think, “okay she’s peed out of her diaper, no big deal.”

    I go get her to change her and the closer I get the the more clearly I smell that it’s not pee. Still, not a big deal, what’s a poopy diaper? 🤷🏻‍♀️

    Then I start to change her and I realize it’s a poop-trophe. 😳 I’m talking one of them poops you usually see in a newborn, where it’s all up then back and down their legs and you contemplate just throwing the whole baby away. 😬

    Still…. I’m not panicked…. been there, done that, multiple times. 😏

    I get a diaper and wipes, the wipes feel light… 😬 I start cleaning her up and there’s only FOUR wipes. This isn’t a four wipe kind of poop it’s pressure washer or open fire hydrant kind of poop. So I start looking for more wipes in the van. At this point, Sadie’s just standing there naked in an empty (thank God) the parking lot, with poop up her back in her hair, down her legs to her knees, even on her shoes, because taking her clothes off did not go as smoothly as one would hope. 🙃

    If You Aren’t Prepared To Roll Around In Another Person’s Faeces... Use A Condom
    If You Aren’t Prepared To Roll Around In Another Person’s Faeces… Use A Condom

    I turn my back, frantically searching for more wipes. Nothing. I had just cleaned out the van yesterday. I got out any and all extraneous wipes, clothes, everything. I KNOW there’s no other wipes in there, but I search anyway. Then I hear it…. that painful SQQQUUUEEEAAAKKKKK of skin getting stuck to a plastic slide on the way down. I look up and yes, of course, it’s Sadie. 🤦🏻‍♀️ She’s going down the slide, butt naked, COVERED in poop, leaving a long skid mark of poop allllllll the way down on her way.

    At this point I just give up. I chase down Layla, wrap Sadie in a blanket and buckle them in their car seats and leave. 🤷🏻‍♀️

    But wait, ✋🏼it gets better….. 😂

    Leaving the poop there was not an option, first of all it’s poop, gross and needs cleaned up regardless. But second of all, Arionna is home deathly ill with a stomach virus (I think). What if Sadie’s getting that virus? There’s no way I’m leaving my kids slug trail of possibly contagious feces on this playground so some other kid can get sick. We live maybe 5 minutes from the park, so I rush home grab Clorox wipes, that are conveniently on my porch because I had used them yesterday to clean a few parts on the van, then rush back.

    If You Aren’t Prepared To Roll Around In Another Person’s Faeces... Use A Condom
    If You Aren’t Prepared To Roll Around In Another Person’s Faeces… Use A Condom

    We get there and there’s still no one else at the park. I park on the gravel right by the slide, leave the van running with the a/c on, leave the babies buckled in, and go to clean the slide and rails.

    Easier said than done. 😐

    I got the bottom and the main top easily, but the middle of the slide I could not reach. I tried to climb up it, but was unsuccessful. Keep in mind I’m REALLY out of shape and just ran a mile and a half. It’s 90 °, I’m WEAK, uncoordinated. To say I was struggling would an understandment.

    Eventually, I get the brilliant idea to go down the slide and wipe as I go. Instead of risking a head injury I decide to go down feet first, on my stomach, holding on to the side to slow myself down with one hand and wiping with the other. This was not easy. I did not look elegant or attractive, I’m sure. I’m 254lbs of sweaty fat flopping around this children’s slide like a fish out of water. 🙄

    When I get to the bottom, I’m finally satisfied with my cleaning job. I turn and see a car parked, a family, all of them with glaring at me…. I dunno how long they were there. I never heard them pull up. They never got out of the car. I genuinely think that we’re afraid of me, after all, I was an overweight seemingly childless adult, on children’s playground equipment. 😂😬🤷🏻‍♀️😩

    Anyway, now dying of embarrassment, I rush to throw away my wipes and get in the van. I look down and realize there’s poop all over my shirt. Of course, I went down feet first. My clothes got the bulk of the poop. 😐

    I am NOT getting that on my seat belt.

    If You Aren’t Prepared To Roll Around In Another Person’s Faeces... Use A Condom
    If You Aren’t Prepared To Roll Around In Another Person’s Faeces… Use A Condom

    I am not getting a ticket or dying from not wearing a seat belt, no matter how short the drive.

    So,….. I do the only thing I can think to do….. I drive home in my bra. 🙃🤷🏻‍♀️ That family is scarred for life I’m sure… 😩

    We’re all home now; we’re alive, showered, traumatized, but okay. 😂 moral of the story? Always bring extra wipes, extra clothes, extra blankets, extra everything! 😂 Don’t clean out your car, ever. 😂 And if you aren’t mentally, emotionally, and physically prepared to roll around in another person’s faeces… use a condom. 🙂🙃😂 You’re welcome! 😂

    Credit https://www.facebook.com/bberry0009

     

  • Woman Helps Man Decide What To Do With His Penis

    A man wakes up in a hospital, bandaged from head to foot.

    The doctor comes in and says, “Ah, I see you’ve regained consciousness. Now, you probably won’t remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the motorway.

    You’re going to be okay, you’ll walk again and everything, however, your penis was severed in the accident and the paramedics couldn’t find it.”

    The man groans, but the doctor goes on… “You do have £9,000 in insurance compensation coming though, and we now have the technology to build a new penis.

    They work great but they don’t come cheap. It’s roughly £1,000 an inch.

    The man perks up.

    So, the doctor says, “You must decide how many inches you want.

    But understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife.

    If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now, she might be a bit uncomfortable.

    If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed.

    Ill give you the night to consider your options.”

    The doctor comes back the next day, “So, have you spoken with your wife?”

    “Yes I have,” says the man.

    “And has she helped you make a decision?”

    “Yes,” says the man.

    “What is your decision?” asks the doctor.

    “We’re getting a new kitchen.”

  • This Is Forty!!!

    This is 40.

    1) I cannot do the whole ‘no make up make up look’ now. I might feel like I’m a natural beauty but in reality I look like a Victorian child with influenza who probably won’t make it through a harsh Winter.

    2) Nightclubs are hard work. End of sentence.

    3) I can no longer get over a hangover by 11am using only the power of an egg butty and a mug of tea. I now need an IV drip, complete and utter silence and about 72 hours of lying on a propped up cushion like a proper dying person watching nothing more brain testing than a reality show about stupid fat arsed people being stupid and fat arsed in California.

    4) Moisturisers do not in fact stop nor even improve fine lines and wrinkles.

    5) My hips randomly click sometimes. See also; toes, wrists, knees, unpredictable sharp pains in torso for no apparent reason – leading myself to think “oh, this is how it ends then?”.

    6) Friends will cancel plans and it will no longer feel disappointing – it will feel fucking DELICIOUS. Night on the sofa with a pizza whilst watching the steely gaze of Paul Hollywood as he goes down on an eclair? Sign me up Papa John!

    7) Chin hair.

    8)It is forbidden to pass a neighbour washing their car without quipping “Want to do mine next?”. See also; “Can I fit in your suitcase?” and “It’s muggy isn’t it? Very muggy. Needs a good pour down. That’ll sort it”.

    9) What the fuck is Snapchat all about?

    10) Things that are my friend; Gaviscon, middle of the night water drinking, a great mattress, exfoliating and naps.

    Things that are not my friend; High heels, bread, sitting on the floor, Jägermeister and washing my fanny with anything even slightly scented for fear of a raging unbridled bout of thrush.

    Credit https://www.facebook.com/babywipesandwine/

     

  • The Look She Gave Me When I Asked…

    Well I guess you could say there is another store I will be avoiding for awhile. Went into to grab some makeup wipes took them up to the counter to pay.

    As per my usual self I thought I’d make conversation and asked the clerk of she had ever tried them she gave me an odd look. So I continued on saying I cook in a restaurant and feel greasy throughout the day so I like to freshen up. Should of stopped talking at this point but no.

    Then I said it’s so handy to have these you can just whip them out and use them anywhere. This whole time she never said a word, so I paid told her told her to have a good day. Still no response. Got home from work last night and took them out of the bag. And that’s when I realized OMG I’m mortified. I laid in bed thinking of everything I had said to this poor woman 🤦‍♀️. So now I’m thinking should I go back and explain myself or find a new drugstore 😩

    Credit https://www.facebook.com/theresa.jamieson.92

     

  • Here’s Why Facebook Annoys Me

    Facebook piss offs:

    1) Men pouting in photos, girls look ridiculous enough, but lads….fucking stop it.

    2) Girls with Ming from Flash Gordon eyebrows. Eyebrows are meant to deflect water from your eyes, they are NOT supposed to have corners….

    3) People who write billy big bollocks statuses like….”to the man in the shop who just stood on my toe, it’s a good job u had ur kids with u or I’d have knocked u out!” Or “to the woman in the green corsa who cut me up earlier then smiled at me at the lights, it’s a good job the lights changed cos I was gonna get out and kick u square in the minge!”…. Firstly they won’t see that status because you don’t know them, secondly, why are you making out like you’d show any aggression towards them? You clearly said absolutely nothing to them, then ran home to write a status about what you would have done if you had some bollocks….

    4) 30+ year old men describing good things as “sick”… Grow up…

    5) Young people using Americanisms, like.. “We got a cab home and made out..” No mate, you fingered her in a taxi….

    6) “New hair” posts…it’s not fucking new hair, it’s your same old hair just shorter and laced with chemicals to make it the same colour as whichever pretty celeb you’re trying to copy… And by the way, she looks nice with red hair…you look like a tool.

    7) Overnight nutritionists…I’m glad you recently discovered health and fitness 4 months ago, but knowing that chicken and rice is good clean food, doesn’t mean you should post pics of your 8 prepped meals online every morning and preach how we should all be eating just that. Some of us like pizza thanks! Fuck off!!

    😎 People who post updates like “what time does the co-op open?” You clearly have internet access… Google it you fucking cabbage!!!

    9) THIS!!!! Status: “completely devastated”

    What’s up babe?

    U ok Hun?

    What’s happened?

    “I’ve inboxed you….”

    You nob….that’s all.

    10) Pics of girls legs in the bath, just short of their tuppence…just pack it in, you attention seeking whore. The post isn’t about… “peace at last”… It’s about, “I’m naked and gagging for cock, inbox me”.

  • How To Get Out Of A Speeding Ticket

    A rookie police officer pulled me over for speeding and had the following exchange:

    • Officer: May I see your driver’s license?

    • Me: I don’t have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.

    • Officer: May I see the owner’s card for this vehicle?

    • Me: It’s not my bike. I stole it.

    • Officer: The motorcycle is stolen?

    • Me: That’s right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner’s card in the tool bag when I was putting my gun in there.

    Officer: There’s a gun in the tool bag?

    • Me: Yes sir. That’s where I put it after I shot and killed the dude who owns this bike and stuffed his dope in the saddle bags.

    • Officer: There’s drugs in the saddle bags too?!?!?

    • Me: Yes, sir. Hearing this, the rookie immediately called his captain. I was then quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached me to handle the tense situation:

    • Captain: Sir, can I see your license?

    • Me: Sure. Here it is. It was valid.

    • Captain: Who’s motorcycle is this?

    • Me: It’s mine, officer. Here’s the registration.

    • Captain: Could you slowly open your tool bag so I can see if there’s a gun in it?

    • Me: Yes, sir, but there’s no gun in it. Sure enough, there was nothing in the tool bag.

    • Captain: Would you mind opening your saddle bags? I was told you said there’s drugs in them.

    • Me: No problem. The saddle bags were opened; no drugs.

    • Captain: I don’t understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn’t have a license, stole this motorcycle, had a gun in the tool bag, and that there were drugs in the saddle bags.

    • Me: Yeah, I’ll bet he told you I was speeding, too.

    Credit https://www.facebook.com/MrKZombiie

     

  • Woman Banned From Buses For A Very Weird Reason

    WOMAN BANNED FOR LIFE ON BRADFORD BUSES

    A woman has received a lifetime ban from a Bradford bus company after repeatedly breaking wind in their vehicles. On one occasion a driver was physically sick.

    Bradford Magistrates Court heard how Yolande Pogba, aged 48 from Lumb Lane, Bradford revelled in what she was doing and on most occasions would bend over to create the maximum impact.

    On 18th June 2016, Mrs Pogba (pictured) boarded a packed bus at Bradford Interchange and crouched next to an elderly gentleman. As the bus set off, she let off an excruciating sound from her bottom. Mrs Pogba, clearly impressed with her actions then shouted “Some bastard has squashed a Frog”

    The bus company recorded 148 separate incidents. On the 22nd June, she boarded a bus in Holmewood and forced her way into the drivers cab, repeatedly breaking wind, cupping her hands and rubbing the atrocious smell into the drivers face until he was sick.

    Solicitor Rick Head, representing Mrs Pogba asked for the court to be sympathetic “My client is addicted to Jamaican Rum and kidney beans and unfortunately this brings out the worst in her personality and makes her bottom talk”

    The court fined Mrs Pogba £375 and ordered her to pay £20 compensation to the bus driver – Mr Bob Aloo Bhuna. She was also sentenced to 120 hours community service.

     

  • Today I Licked My Childs Butt Ice Cream

    Y’ALL!!!! I am DONE with these kids!! I learned a hard lesson today…one I wasn’t prepared for and I feel like I’ve been through a trauma! I need prayer! 🤦🏼‍♀️😵💩

    I got Blakely an ice cream cone (yes the McDonald’s machine was working🤷🏼‍♀️). Well she walks into the living room and hands me her cone (half eaten like everything I give her) and I know all you moms have been there. We as moms pretty much live off of the food our kids don’t eat so I licked it before it dripped. I notice she is standing there looking at me like this 👉🏼😐.

    I ask her: “what’s wrong?”

    And she says: “Is it okay?!”

    🥺😳😨🤭

    At this point I’m scared b/c I don’t know what just happened. I think maybe she dropped it in her room and was scared to say. We stand there looking at each other and the ice cream cone. And this fool says: “I accidentally wiped my butt with it”

    🤢🤢😳😵🤭🤭

    Excuse me?!! With this ice cream cone I just licked?! Wtf!! I am coming unglued…so I ask this child “How do you accidentally wipe your butt with an ice cream and WHY did you give it to me to eat????” 😳😑🤐

    She looks me dead in my face and says “I used the wrong hand to wipe but it was just pee mommy”

    🤮✌🏼✌🏽🤯

    DONE! Someone come get these kids. I cannot even handle it. If y’all need me I’ll be washing my mouth out with Clorox. 🤦🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️😒

    #kidsareassholes #whytho #shesaiditwasjustpee #allmylifeihadtostruggle #parentinglol #icecreamfail #mommyfail #4yroldproblems #neveragain

    Credit https://www.facebook.com/firewifemomlife/

     

  • Man Explains His Toilet Trouble

    Last night, I had a near death experience. No, it didn’t involve a gun (although I’d rather get shot again than go through this).

    Until last night, I didn’t understand the term “shit storm” but let me tell ya, after 10 fluid ounces.

    Not 5 fluid ounces.

    Not 7 fluid ounces.

    Not just a swig.

    But after 10 FLUID FUCKING OUNCES, I’m a brand new man.

    Ya ever wonder what two homeless people fornicating on a pile of burning tires next to a pig farm on a 98 degree day with a 80% humidity level smells like? If so, go to Walgreens, spend 4 bucks, get ya a bottle of this bullshit right here, get ya a baby sitter to watch your kids and lock yourself in the bathroom cause you’re about to star in your very own shit show for the next few hours.

    And ya know what? Just when ya think it’s over, when everything stops and you can finally wipe the tears and sweat from your face, that’s when the party starts.

    My soul left my body. Yeah. I pooped out my soul, but when I got to heaven, I got sent back because I brought the smell up there with me.

    It’s all a blur, but at one point. I was looking down on myself from the sky watching all of my internal organs liquefy and spray out of my ass like someone jumped on a balloon full of nutella.

    And then that’s that. Right? you’re done pooping, so you muster up what strength you have left, shaking and weak, you stand up and flush for the 18th time.

    But wait, THERES MORE.

    That’s when you start puking. At this point, I was surprised there was anything left in me. Let alone the 20 piece boneless nuclear wings from zaxbys.

    You know what nuclear sauce feels like when it’s coming out ya nose, throat and ass at the same time?

    I imagine it’s the same feeling as spontaneous combustion.

    After 5 straight minutes of puking and 4 straight hours of pooping, I passed out on the bathroom floor for two hours only to be awoken by my dog licking me to see if I was dead.

    Magnesium citrate? More like magnesium shit-strate into a coma. Shit ain’t no joke. But in all seriousness. This shit did its job. It cleaned me out so good, I even got a clear conscience. 10/10 stars for completely making me into a new man.

    Between the crying and farting and dying and what not, It was one of the worst experiences of my life so far.

    Credit https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100000762470772

     

  • True Story From A Blonde Mum

    True story from a blonde Mum.

    In a hurry, no time for full shower b4 going out but as its really only the hair that needs washing, i quickly grab *my* shampoo and proceed to wash my hair over the bath tub, only realising half way through that it doesn’t smell like mine but the kids. OH WELL, ITS A 3 IN ONE – shampoo/conditinor & INCLUDES NO TEARS!

    BOLLOCKS!!!!! The pain of trying to brush my hair took me back to my childhood. When I was 100% sure my parents where trying to take my head off with the brush. The tangles in my hair nearly broke my hairbrush and the stream of tears was unbelievable!!!

    Moral of story – slow down, read bottles and SUE company for lying and taking me back to pains of the past!!!