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  • Rude Joke Of The Day

    A nun teaching religion was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question, “When you die and go to heaven….. which part of your body goes first?

    Suzy raised her hand and said, “I think its your hands.”

    “Why do you think its your hands, Suzy?” said the Nun.

    Suzy replied, “Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first.”

    “What a wonderful answer!” the nun said.

    Little Johnny raised his hand and said, “Sister, I think its your legs”.

    The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face.

    Now Little Johnnie, why would you think it would be your legs?

    Little Johnny said,”Well I walked into mommy and daddy’s bedroom the other night..

    Mommy had her legs straight up in the air, and she was saying, “OH GOD, I’M COMING!”.

    If dad hadn’t pinned her down, we’d have lost her!”

    THE NUN FAINTED! 😂😂😂

  • I Was A Kick Butt Mother And Then This Happened

    So, I was a kick butt mother this morning.

    My doctor upped my medicine last week and I’ve been feeling goooood. No more out-of-control, fly-by-the-seat-of-my-pants type parenting for this mama.

    Not anymore.

    I am Mary Freaking Poppins, y’all.

    So today I baked muffins and read books to my babies and picked out adorable matchy-matchy outfits, all before school.

    They didn’t even fuss when I got them dressed.

    I was patient with their breakfast table meltdowns and gentle with discipline.

    I was pretty much a bastion of parenting perfection.

    Somewhere between packing lunch boxes and brushing ponytails and generally herding cats (like moms do), I threw my black skirt in the dryer to get the wrinkles out.

    Who has time for an iron, ammiright?

    Not me!

    I was busy being SuperMom. Into the minivan kids! Time to sing happy songs on the way to school!

    We got to the preschool five minutes early, and when the teachers pulled my babies out of the car, I blew kisses.

    “Bye kiddos! Mommy will be back at 3!”

    Maybe we will bake cookies. #Fromscratch

    Then I drove to my doctor’s appointment all the way across town with ten minutes to spare.

    That’s right. GLANCE UPON MY GREATNESS, YOU UNDERLINGS. I am SUPER MOM.

    I hopped out of my van with my Starbucks and my side ponytail and

    WHEEE is it breezy today or is it me?

    Omg.

    no pants no pants no pants

    NO PANTS!!!!

    My skirt is still in the dryer!!!!

    But now my appointment is starting so I guess I’ll be clinging to this tunic like a wet cat to a curtain for the next two hours?!

    And OH. I just realized I’m wearing floral granny panties. The HOLY kind, if you hear me.

    NOOOO!!!!!!! 😭😭😭😭

    YES Lord, I have heard Your voice. Pride cometh before the fall and I was was so proud—SO PROUD—to be Mary Poppins.

    Welp. I guess it’s true that I won’t be flying by the seat of my pants, today.

    Because I DONT HAVE ANY FREAKING PANTS.

    #ThatSkirtIsStillSpinningAtHome #TheBreezeIsSwifterThanIRealized #AtLeastImWearingATunic #throwback

    Credit https://www.facebook.com/MomBabble/

     

  • Sting Zing-Read The Label First

    Honestly I’ve tried to write this so many times

    Guys I’m crying. Fucking CRYing

    We got given samples in line at like 6 this morning at the Sephora opening. Human got super excited by one in particular

    I looked at it. It was called Sting Zing and it had little jellyfish all over it. I assumed (silly me) that it was one of those gloss lip plumpers

    You know? Put it on your lips and it stings the shit out of them – to make them swell… So they look cute? 🙄🤦🏻‍♀️

    “Mm no, I think that’s for your pimples”

    “Are you sure? Coz I think it’s for your lips”

    “Nah, I’m pretty sure, it’s like – sting or zing your pimples, you know?”

    Yeh ok, I don’t think so. But who am I to argue right? And there was nothing on the package about what it actually did

    We move on, she lives her best life – calculator in hand trying to figure out how she’s going to blow more money in one go than she ever has before. It might sound weird to be proud of a kid for buying make up – but she earned every dollar that she spent and my heart was so full 🖤

    Anyway after being home for awhile – she’s playing with all the samples and divvying them out. I leave her to it

    Some time later

    “Mum – my face is burning”

    She sends me a photo. Ok, looks like she’s having a reaction, no big deal. My skins mental too

    When I go to see her, her face looks wet. But weirdly only in patches – the patches where her skin looks like it’s literally burning off

    “Ellie – is it still on your face?

    “Yeh”

    “What the fuck? – It’s burning your skin! Take it off – now”

    “Well it’s supPOSED to sting – it means it’s working. Like, it’s CALLED sting zing”

    “Uhh no – it means your having an allergic fucking reaction – go and take it off!”

    “It’s really burning”

    Her face is literally on fire at this point. And entiiirely bright red. Ok noww I’m getting a bit nervous

    “It had jellyfish on the package”

    Oh my god. I thought the pictures were cute but – they’re actually putting fucking jellyfish in this shit now? wild. Not surprising, but wild.

    And now I’m like omg she’s having an allergic reaction to jellyfish venom all over her face and I don’t know what to do but I don’t want her to know that

    So of course I go straight to google – and type in sting zing – and before I could finish my sentence – it finishes it :

    “Sting Zing Lip Plumper”

    Holy shit team. I’m actually passing the fuck awAY at this point – because this is the moment I realise she has literally just applied lip plumper – to her entire fucking face

    Her entire face – EXCEPT her lips

    I go on to find it’s vegan

    “Ok it’s vegan, so it can’t be too bad -“

    alllll of a sudden miss judgy eco is all :

    “JUST BECAUSE ITS VEGAN, DOESNT MEAN IT DOESNT HAVE CHEMICALS”

    Well it didn’t have chemicals – but it DOES have ‘hot pepper fruit extract’ and THATS why her face was on fire

    Only – ONLY my child would do this. My friends would agree

    She agreed

    Can’t wash out what’s in the blood gf 💁🏻‍♀️

    And also – I toldasoe gf – I godamm toldasoe

    She’s fine – her face is fine. It’s completely gone away. She found it just as funny as we did 😂 And she now knows to google – what she puts on her bloody face 🤦🏻‍♀️

    This photo was just the beginning lol – when she wakes up 🙄 I’ll get the better ones 😂

    Credit https://www.facebook.com/growingahuman/

     

  • Dear Sainsburys Your Embarrassing Me

    Dear Sainsbury’s,

    I just wanted to tell you the trouble I have had with your nappies. Firstly, your nappies have been brilliant, I have had no leaks and they fit my baby really well. They also are reasonably priced compared to leading brands.

    BUT, why put the animal crabs on your nappies? I am now faced with embarrassment when I change my baby’s nappy especially in public changing rooms. My toddler thinks it’s great you have chosen the animal crabs, and finds it great to go around saying “Violet got crabs”, “Violet got crabs in her nappy” and also “Mummy gave Violet crabs in nappy”. (Direct quotes from my 2 and a half year old) You can only begin to imagine the funny looks I have received 🙄. You could have chosen any cute fluffy animal to put on your nappy, but you chose the crab 🦀. Have you thought about changing the animal for future nappies?

    Thank you for the embarrassment and I look forward to hearing a response,

    An embarrassed crab hating Mum of 2.

    Credit. https://www.facebook.com/frananneharvey

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  • Starbucks We Need To Talk These Need A Warning Label

    Starbucks, we need to have a f*cking talk.

    Whoever invented these things needs to go to f*cking prison for not supplying a warning label.

    I am an avid coffee drinker. Several cups a day nearly every day, for at least, bare minimum, 7 years. I have taken high content caffeine supplements before to keep me going. I am no stranger to caffeine. I like the energy jolt.

    When I go to an actual Starbucks, I often order a venti caramel macchiato with a triple shot of espresso and I am fine. I am energized and productive. I feel good and alert.

    But this? This is not the same espresso. There’s no f*cking way.

    This? Whoever on your team designed this drink deserves to go to hell.

    I bought one of these today as I did on opening shift at work. I saw this and decided to purchase it because it was new and the double shot canned drinks have been starting to lose their effect on me. I figured that this would make me far more productive than if I had gotten the double. I was wrong.

    After the first hour (at 10am), I started to get jittery. Nothing too alarming, as I always get jitters no matter how much caffeine I take in shortly after I have it. However, from there it did not fade. It only got worse.

    By 10:30, I was running around the store like a f*cking crazy person. My hands were shaking so badly that I could barely run the register. I was typing at lightning speed and I could probably have run up a wall. I was quite literally vibrating. I had finished cleaning tasks that normally take me until about 1pm.

    By 11, the world around me seemed like it was moving in slow motion compared to how I was existing in the world. Time was no longer real. I could see sounds and hear colours.

    By noon, I was manually breathing and was barley blinking, only blinking when my eyes were dry as shit because this hell drink stimulated me so heavily that my body suddenly forgot how a body was supposed to work. My teeth would not stop grinding. I could not be still for a moment out of fear that I might have imploded.

    By 12:30, I suddenly developed an overwhelming need to shit. In addition to focusing on remembering to breathe and blink, I was concerned I would vomit, shit my pants, or possibly even both.

    By 1pm, I felt like I could lift a f*cking mack truck. If someone had tried to rob me at gun point then I probably would have been capable of plucking bullets out of the air. I was visibly vibrating and still manually breathing and blinking. I could feel my heartbeat in every part of my body. I could see microorganisms in the air. I could hear the refrigerators at the Winn Dixie across the plaza where I bought this fucking hell beverage. I thought that if I died at 21 it would be because of alcohol poisoning or a car accident or a mugging but instead I’m going to go out because a fucking Starbucks beverage gave me the strength to lift a mack truck

    By 1:30, I began experiencing bouts of crying from fear. I was still manually breathing and blinking and was painfully aware of my veins. I was still concerned I may shit my pants. Payton brought me some pizza for lunch and I devoured it as well chugged 3 bottles of water, praying to the old gods and the new for some salvation. The ingredients in your hell drink laughed at me, unaffected by my attempts to cancel out the effects of what I think may be actual crack in this can.

    By 2pm, I had abandoned all hope of salvation. I was clenching my butthole and doing breathing exercises, counting down the last hour before my shift ended. My veins were throbbing and I was dizzy. I have never regretted a purchase more in my life.

    It is now 4:30. I am finally experiencing a caffeine crash unlike anything I’ve previously felt. I fear I am going to die. My heart rate has returned to normal but dueto it almost exploding this morning, I am concerned it may stop.

    Starbucks, today I experienced ego death. I met God today and he laughed in my face.

    Death does not ride in on a pale horse. He comes in a can of Starbucks caramel triple shot coffee.

    Credit. https://www.facebook.com/SabasaurusRex

     

  • The Differences Between A Mum Lie In And A Dads

    Mummy and Daddy take it in turns to have a lie in at the weekends. We are each allocated one day to have an extra couple of hours in bed.

    Mummy has noticed there are a few small differences between her morning lie in routine and Daddy’s.

    Daddy’s routine.

    1. Daddy does not have regular visits in bed where he is poked and stared at to check if he is yet awake.

    2. Daddy does not give up on his lie in around 6am and get up.

    3. Daddy comes straight downstairs after his leisurely 2 hours extra In bed and straight away makes himself a coffee and toast.

    4. Daddy goes straight back upstairs after toast and coffee for a 45 minute toilet break.

    5. Daddy returns and sits engrossed in children’s programmes.

    Mummy’s routine.

    1. Mummy is visited in bed 10 minutes into her lie in, she is poked, stared at, and alerted by the word FINISHED!!!! When she is needed in the bathroom instantly.

    2. Mummy gives up 30 minutes into her designated lie in and gets up.

    3. Mummy arrives downstairs at what only can be described as a disaster zone.

    4. Mummy sees Daddy lying on the sofa in the foetal position, looking like he is suffering with post traumatic stress.

    5. Mummy tidies up the twenty thousand toys on the floor whilst daddy goes for a 45 minute toilet break.

    6. Mummy feeds the children a ‘proper’ breakfast that doesn’t consist of Dairylea singles and digestive biscuits. Daddy says Isla didn’t want cereal, she wanted cheese.

    7. Mummy picks up Daddy’s dirty breakfast pots from the floor in the living room and bangs them down on the side in the kitchen to let Daddy know he is a scruffy cock womble.

    8. Mummy is informed the children have been awfully hard work in the 30 minute time span Daddy has had to look after them.

    9. Mummy is given a list of all of the things both children did that were challenging in the 30 minutes Mummy was ‘resting’.

    10. Mummy orders Daddy a large medal off of eBay as she fills the washing machine then changes the baby’s bum.

    11. Mummy washes the pots that are invisible to Daddy as he stands watching next to her, hiding from the children in the living room.

    12. Mummy asks Daddy why his dirty clothes are in the middle of the living room floor. Daddy says he took them off there last night. Mummy is getting cross. Daddy missed the subtle hint that he should pick his dirty clothes up off of the bastarding floor immediately.

    13. Mummy finally gets around to having some toast an hour and a half after she has arrived downstairs. Daddy tells mummy he is too feeling a little peckish, Mummy thinks it must have been hard for him only managing to eat a bowl of cereal, half a pack of biscuits and 2 slices of toast whilst the children ran him ragged for a whole 30 minutes. Daddy stands right where mummy needs to be stood to butter her toast… still avoiding the children.

    14. Daddy sits watching the children’s programmes on TV whilst the little one empties a full packet of baby wipes onto the carpet and the biggest hounds mummy in the kitchen to get the play dough out.

    15. Daddy asks Mummy why she is a bit grumpy. Mummy says she just can’t fucking think why she would possibly be feeling grumpy on her designated lie in day.

     

    Credit https://www.facebook.com/laughwithmummy/

     

  • What It’s Like To Be British

    What it’s like to be British

    • Worrying you’ve accidentally packed 3 kilos of cocaine and a dead goat as you stroll through “Nothing to declare”

    • Being unable to stand and leave without first saying “right”

    • Not hearing someone for the third time, so just laughing and hoping for the best

    • Saying “anywhere here’s fine” when the taxi’s directly outside your front door

    • Being sure to start touching your bag 15 minutes before your station, so the person in the aisle seat is fully prepared for your exit

    • Repeatedly pressing the door button on the train before it’s illuminated, to assure your fellow commuters you have the situation in hand

    • Having someone sit next to you on the train, meaning you’ll have to eat your crisps at home

    • The huge sense of relief after your perfectly valid train ticket is accepted by the inspector

    • The horror of someone you only half know saying: “Oh I’m getting that train too”

    • “Sorry, is anyone sitting here?” – Translation: Unless this is a person who looks remarkably like a bag, I suggest you move it

    • Loudly tapping your fingers at the cashpoint, to assure the queue that you’ve asked for money and the wait is out of your hands

    • Looking away so violently as someone nearby enters their PIN that you accidentally dislocate your neck

    • Waiting for permission to leave after paying for something with the exact change

    • Saying hello to a friend in the supermarket, then creeping around like a burglar to avoid seeing them again

    • Watching with quiet sorrow as you receive a different haircut to the one you requested

    • Being unable to pay for something with the exact change without saying “I think that’s right”

    • Overtaking someone on foot and having to keep up the uncomfortably fast pace until safely over the horizon

    • Being unable to turn and walk in the opposite direction without first taking out your phone and frowning at it

    • Deeming it necessary to do a little jog over zebra crossings, while throwing in an apologetic mini wave

    • Punishing people who don’t say thank you by saying “you’re welcome” as quietly as possible

    • The overwhelming sorrow of finding a cup of tea you forgot about

    • Turning down a cup of tea for no reason and instantly knowing you’ve made a terrible, terrible mistake

    • Suddenly remembering your tea and necking it like a massive, lukewarm shot

    • Realising you’ve got about fifty grand’s worth of plastic bags under your kitchen sink

    • “You’ll have to excuse the mess” – Translation: I’ve spent seven hours tidying in preparation for your visit

    • Indicating that you want the last roast potato by trying to force everyone else to take it

    • “I’m off to bed” – Translation: “I’m off to stare at my phone in another part of the house”

    • Mishearing somebody’s name on the second time of asking, meaning you must now avoid them forever

    • Leaving it too late to correct someone, meaning you must live with your new name forever

    • Running out of ways to say thanks when a succession of doors are held for you, having already deployed ‘cheers’, ‘ta’ and ‘nice one’

    • Changing from ‘kind regards’ to just ‘regards’, to indicate that you’re rapidly reaching the end of your tether

    • Staring at your phone in silent horror until the unknown number stops ringing

    • Hearing a recording of your own voice and deciding it’s perhaps best never to speak again

    • The relief when someone doesn’t answer their phone within three rings and you can hang up

    • Filming an entire fireworks display on your phone, knowing full well you’ll never, ever watch it again

  • Do People Ever Really Change

    So I don’t usually air my dirty laundry but.. i need input ->

    So, we have been together for a while now. I love him, more than I’ve ever loved anyone. He can be so sweet and loving, but everything is so one sided. He doesn’t work, doesn’t cook, doesn’t clean. He contributes nothing to the house except for messes that I end up cleaning up myself. And he doesn’t appreciate anything I do, doesn’t even seem to notice the majority of it.

    For the most part he’s always in a good mood, but when he gets upset, he becomes so unreasonable. There’s no talking to him about it. His communication skills are severely lacking. So most of the time it’s just a guessing game of trying to figure out what’s bothering him this time. Like dude, just tell me what’s wrong, how can I fix it or make it better. He won’t tell me.

    He always wants me to do what HE wants to do. Even when I spend nearly all of my time with him, he wants more. Sometimes it’s hard to even get things done like laundry, or dishes cause he expects me to be 24-7 available to him. He will even WAKE ME UP in the MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT, to cater to him. Because he wants to eat or hang out. I rarely get a decent nights sleep and he doesn’t care how it affects me during the day.

    Like I said, I love him more than anything. But it’s so much. I try venting to my friends and family but they are always making excuses for his behavior. ‘he’s only 2yrs old…He’s just a toddler. Things will get better.” but I don’t know. Do people really ever change? Or is he just toxic?

  • The Police Tried To Save Me From My Mini Abuser

    Police officer: Hi madam, we called around because we were concerned you’ve had a break-in.. are you ok?

    Me: Yes, I’m fine?

    Officer: it’s just that there’s debris all over the front lawn and a child’s bike in your hedge…

    Me: yes officer..

    Officer: and so we looked in through your windows and the house has clearly been turned over, every cupboard and drawer had been ransacked.. it’s carnage..

    Me:

    Officer: and there’s blood on your carpets.

    Me: it’s ketchup.

    Officer: are you sure Ma’am? Only we noticed a lot of fingerprints and smears on your patio windows, and what looks like a full face print..there’s potentially a lot of DNA evidence there..

    Me: it’s ok, really

    Officer: but there’s water overflowing from your taps and the sink appears to have been deliberately blocked with a shoe..

    Me: *blinks*

    Officer: We noticed you laying on the floor in your hallway and so we listened through the letter box, and could hear you begging for a swift death, and asking for the perpetrator to stop hitting you with the vacuum hose.. are you under duress? Please blink to signal you need help..

    Me: I HAVE A TODDLER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Credit https://www.facebook.com/pottymouthmumma/