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Tag: funny

  • The Funny Side Of Bras

    Bras for c-cups and under: Hello princess, let me kiss your nipples with a hint of lace, while enrobing your breasts in fine silk, gently embracing them together like two fragile turtle doves, cooing in the snow.

    Bras for d-cups and up: What’s up blob-fish, here’s beige canvas held together by braided rope in constrictor knots, and intricate pulley-system. Don’t forget to yell “Heave-ho!” before hoisting those anchors onto the upper deck so people in a 5-mile radius can run for cover. We attached a hastily-made bow in the middle, so you’ll feel pretty.

  • Awkward British Problems

    AWKWARD BRITISH PROBLEMS:

    🇬🇧Staring at your phone in silent horror until the unknown number stops ringing

    🇬🇧Hearing a recording of your own voice and deciding it’s perhaps best never to speak again

    🇬🇧The relief when someone doesn’t answer their phone within three rings and you can hang up

    🇬🇧Filming an entire fireworks display on your phone, knowing full well you’ll never, ever watch it again

    🇬🇧 Mishearing somebody’s name on the second time of asking, meaning you must now avoid them forever

    🇬🇧 Leaving it too late to correct someone, meaning you must live with your new name forever

    🇬🇧 Running out of ways to say thanks when a succession of doors are held for you, having already deployed ‘cheers’, ‘ta’ and ‘nice one’

    🇬🇧 Changing from ‘kind regards’ to just ‘regards’, to indicate that you’re rapidly reaching the end of your tether

    🇬🇧 Realising you’ve got about fifty grand’s worth of plastic bags under your kitchen sink

    🇬🇧”You’ll have to excuse the mess” – Translation: I’ve spent seven hours tidying in preparation for your visit

    🇬🇧 Indicating that you want the last roast potato by trying to force everyone else to take it

    🇬🇧 “I’m off to bed” – Translation: “I’m off to stare at my phone in another part of the house”

    🇬🇧 The overwhelming sorrow of finding a cup of tea you forgot about

    🇬🇧 Turning down a cup of tea for no reason and instantly knowing you’ve made a terrible, terrible mistake

    🇬🇧 Suddenly remembering your tea and necking it like a massive, lukewarm shot

    🇬🇧 Waiting for permission to leave after paying for something with the exact change

    🇬🇧 Saying hello to a friend in the supermarket, then creeping around like a burglar to avoid seeing them again

    🇬🇧 Watching with quiet sorrow as you receive a different haircut to the one you requested

    🇬🇧 Being unable to pay for something with the exact change without saying “I think that’s right”

    🇬🇧 Overtaking someone on foot and having to keep up the uncomfortably fast pace until safely over the horizon

    🇬🇧 Being unable to turn and walk in the opposite direction without first taking out your phone and frowning at it

    🇬🇧 Deeming it necessary to do a little jog over zebra crossings, while throwing in an apologetic mini wave

    🇬🇧 Punishing people who don’t say thank you by saying “you’re welcome” as quietly as possible

    🇬🇧 Loudly tapping your fingers at the cash point, to assure the queue that you’ve asked for money and the wait is out of your hands

    🇬🇧 Looking away so violently as someone nearby enters their PIN that you accidentally dislocate your neck

    🇬🇧 Being sure to start touching your bag 15 minutes before your station, so the person in the aisle seat is fully prepared for your exit

    🇬🇧 Repeatedly pressing the door button on the train before it’s illuminated, to assure your fellow commuters you have the situation in hand

    🇬🇧 Having someone sit next to you on the train, meaning you’ll have to eat your crisps at home

    🇬🇧 The huge sense of relief after your perfectly valid train ticket is accepted by the inspector

    🇬🇧 The horror of someone you only half know saying: “Oh I’m getting that train too”

    🇬🇧 “Sorry, is anyone sitting here?” – Translation: Unless this is a person who looks remarkably like a bag, I suggest you move it

    🇬🇧 Worrying you’ve accidentally packed 3 kilos of cocaine and a dead goat as you stroll through “Nothing to declare”

    🇬🇧 Being unable to stand and leave without first saying “right”

    🇬🇧 Not hearing someone for the third time, so just laughing and hoping for the best

    🇬🇧 Saying “anywhere here’s fine” when the taxi’s directly outside your front door.

    🤣🤣🤣

  • Embarrassing Mom Moment Of The Month

    Embarrassing Mom moment of the month 😶

    I have all three children with me at Walmart and the worst happened.

    My belly started gurgling and I needed to use the potty… Nope I’m not talking about pee-pee. I’m sure all my moms out there can agree that it is not a pleasant experience toting children into a public bathroom with you. I’m rushing all of them into the biggest stall (ha, rushing? I really meant shoving them because they want to be as slow as humanly possible. While touching everything on the way in there). As I finally get all of them into the stall I clip Lyric into the little chair thing as fast as I can. I hollered for her brother’s to stay right next to her, grab a toilet seat cover and plop down. As I breathe a sigh of relief that I made it, this is the very loud conversation my children had in the echoing public bathroom;

    Landon- Wow Mom you really needed to poop bad! What did you eat?

    Liam- I think Mom ate poop because it smells like poop really bad

    Random shopper- *giggling*

    Me- Boys, be quiet right now!

    Landon- Mom, is it diarrhea or just poop?

    Liam- it’s probably diarrhea because she needed to go really bad!

    THEN IT HAPPENED!!!….

    Landon- *Yells so loud it echoes 10× over!*

    COURTESY FLUUSHHHHH!

    Liam- *almost in a song* Courtesy Fluuuuuush!

    I don’t know how many Random Shoppers but for sure more than one- *laughing out loud*

    Me- 😨😭😲

    After I finished, I waited for a while hoping everybody that witnessed what happened had already left. I walk out of the bathroom and I noticed a pair of familiar shoes from the stall that was next to us standing outside the bathroom. Then as if it wasn’t already bad enough Landon looks up at me and says, “Mom do you feel better? I always feel better after I take a good poop.” 😕

    Oh nothing is sweeter than a child’s honesty 😣

    Credit https://www.facebook.com/lacy.davison.7

  • My Jalapeño Were A Torture Device To My Children

    The other night, I was cutting up jalapeños while cooking dinner.

    My sour patch kids (daughter & son) are always in my shit.

    I can never fully accomplish a whole task without them in the way.

    Little ankle biters, they are.

    So, I’m chopping these peppers up and answering questions left and right like I’m a contestant on a game show.

    I’m currently killing this mom shit.

    I’m multitasking AF.

    I’m pouring chocolate milk, slice another jalapeño, twirl around checking a butt for poop, peek on the chicken in the oven with a smile on my face, run to the living room to clean up a spill, and back to the kitchen to finish the jalapeños.

    I’m gliding through the kitchen just basking in my motherliness.

    Until I hear a cry for help from the bathroom. Suddenly, Kaison, my 6 year old, who wipes his butt always, forgets how to wipe his butt.

    I sprint down the hall to offer hand services for the butt in need.

    I get caught in the hall by my daughter who asks me to put her princess play shoes back on. Every mom with a daughter knows the damn shoes. They only fall off every other step because they are made for a child with an almost invisibility foot. I slip the bitches back on for the 100 time while rushing and she’s screaming because I left her pinky toe out and still trying to shove it on. After I tuck that little piggy back inside, she cautiously walks away on the plastic heels of death amongst the wooden floors, to the kitchen looking for a “snack.”

    After I complete the butt wiping task, I walk back into the kitchen to the sounds of gagging and coughing.

    The gags progress to wails and cries of pain.

    I see Micah and Lilah with tears in their eyes sobbing and wiping their tongues. I asked Lilah what was wrong and she said, “hot hot hottttt!!!”

    I try to find answers to what in the actual fuck was happening and then Lilah said, “I don’t like those grapes. Those grapes so yucky” as she points to the jalapeños.

    😒 I try to sound concerned, but my initial emotion was anger because I’m down one whole jalapeño less than what I started with. Every jalapeño mattered.

    After grieving the loss, I give them milk, I give them bread, I pray, I light incense, I bathe them in Oils. I give them whatever the hell else they want and NOTHING is helping.

    My kids love spicy food, but these were not your average jalapeños.

    These were the Devil’s peppers. And they came with vengeance. These bitches was spicy and they was angry.

    The hands that they grabbed the peppers with are now rubbing the tears from their eyes and rubbing the snot around their noses.

    Now, their whole face is on fire.

    At this point, there’s not many options

    other than to just throw both children away and start over. I have two others not infected at all.

    I’m running their whole heads under water. I’m trying to flush the Devil’s pepper out of their eyes and nose. Nothing is working.

    I’m screaming, “GOOGLE, HOW THE FUCK CAN I SAVE MY CHILDREN’S EYES FROM THE DEVIL’S PEPPER?”

    Google is no use because google has no intellectual understanding of curing children from jalapeños at this time. (Words from the mouth of Google herself)

    The chicken burned.

    More shit spilled.

    My jalapeños didn’t get used for a meal, instead they were a torture device to my children.

    The babies ended up with wash cloths on their faces on the couch while chugging chocolate milk. Nobody was blinded. We all survived.

    Except for me.

    Soon after I laid the children down for bed, Jalen, my other 6 year old, walks in my bedroom hysterically crying.

    I asked him what the hell he wanted because my hours of operation were clearly over, and then he said, “my butthole is burning.”

    Ok…gonna need you to elaborate, son.

    Guess who played with a Devil’s pepper while not learning from the magical hell his siblings went through?

    Him. That boy. The burning butthole kid.

    Why did his butthole burn, you ask?

    Because after playing with the Devil’s pepper, using it as a stage prop for his dinosaurs to eat, he decided to just itch his ass. A lot.

    Welcome to parenthood, where we are solely surviving on prayers and wine.

    That’s some real #Seriousmomshit

    Disclaimer: the butt I wiped, was not the butt that burned. I have twins. Thanks for the concern on my intelligence, but, I got this 🤞🏻

    DON’T Forget to SHARE with a momma who needs some laughter tonight.

    Credit https://www.facebook.com/Seriousmomshit0/

     

  • Name 7 Advantages Of Mother’s Milk Funny Story

    BIOLOGY EXAM:

    This is straight from Scotland. Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was, ‘Name seven advantages of Mother’s Milk’.

    The question was worth 70 points or none at all. One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages.

    However, he wrote:

    1) It is perfect formula for the child.

    2) It provides immunity against several diseases.

    3) It is always the right temperature.

    4) It is inexpensive.

    5) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.

    6) It is always available as needed.

    And then the student was stuck.

    Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote:

    7) It comes in two attractive containers and it’s high enough off the ground where the cat can’t get it.

    He got an A+.

    Credit https://www.facebook.com/alan.imler.79

     

  • I Told Him I Got Home At Midnight

    The other night I was invited out for a night with the “girls.” I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, “I promise!” Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times.

    Quickly, realising my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. (Even when totally smashed… 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos = MIDNIGHT !)

    The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him “MIDNIGHT”… he didn’t seem pissed off in the least. Whew, I got away with that one! Then he said “We need a new cuckoo clock.” When I asked him why, he said, “Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said “oh shit” Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.

    Credit https://www.facebook.com/ginav3

     

  • Are You Sleeping With Your Roommate

    A Mom visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl roommate.

    During the course of the meal, his mother couldn’t help but notice how pretty his roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious….

    Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between him and his roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom’s thoughts, his son volunteered, “I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you,we are just

    roommates.”

    About a week later, his roommate came to him saying, “Ever since your mother came to dinner, I’ve been unable to find the silver plate. You don’t suppose she took it, do you?”

    He said ,”Well, I doubt it, but I’ll email her, just to be sure.” He sat down and wrote :

    Dear Mother:

    I’m not saying that you ‘did’ take the silver plate from my house, I’m not saying that you ‘did not’ take the silver plate But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

    Love,

    your son.

    Several days later, he received an email from his Mother which read:

    Dear Son:

    I’m not saying that you ‘do’ sleep with your roommate, and I’m not saying that you ‘do not’ sleep with her.

    But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the silver plate by now, under her pillow…

    Love,

    Mom.

    Credit https://www.facebook.com/batton.steve

     

  • What’s Going On With Our Nursery Rhymes

    WHAT’S GOING ON WITH OUR NURSERY RHYMES 🤭

    Twinkle twinkle little star, how I wonder what you are,

    Well actually I don’t because I’ve just sang that you are a star. You can’t be a diamond in the sky because you are a STAR

    In fact you are probably not even a star anymore, you probably burnt out years ago.

    If you’re happy and you know it clap your hands.

    But if you clap your hands every time you are happy, you are gonna look well weird, and if you’re not sectioned then someone may throw you a fish.

    Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,

    Humpty Dumpty had a great fall,

    All the kings horses and all the kings men,

    Hang on a minute. An egg falling off a wall is now a matter of national security. They got nothing better to do? No wonder our country is going down hill if we are crying over a cracked egg that should have been in the bloody fridge anyway, not sitting in the sun on a wall. Salmonella!!

    Hickorie dickorie dock, the mouse ran up the clock,

    Well call the pest control if you have mice running round your house. So unhygienic especially with kids.

    Three blind mice, see how they run, they all run after the farmer wife, who cut off their tails with a carving knife …

    So many things wrong here, firstly how do they know the mice are blind. I wasn’t aware there was ophthalmology for rodents and if they are running after someone in particular then they must be able to see her.

    And if said mice were blind, then why would you cut their tails off too. Double whammy. There has to be some sort of animal rights protest about this. And note to self, don’t have a roast that the farmers wife has made unless she’s cleaned her knives.

    The Grand old Duke of York, he had ten thousand men, he marched them up to the top of the hill and he marched them down again.

    Great! So when our soldiers are called to war, all they will know how to do is march, they will probably be knackered, but they could answer some questions on positional language of a hill. Screwed.

    Old King Cole, Was a merry old soul,

    And a merry old soul was he;

    So was he drunk?

    He called for his pipe,

    And he called for his bowl,

    And he called for his fiddlers three!

    And every fiddler, he had a fine fiddle,

    And a very fine fiddle had he.

    I have no words, this is so inappropriate, this guy would well have been arrested and questioned.

    Incy wincy spider climbed up the water spout, down came the rain n washed the spider out.

    The end. The spider drowned. And if it didn’t I’ve just walloped it with my shoe, so it Defo won’t be climbing anywhere again

    Credit https://www.facebook.com/tellingthetruthtomums/

  • Ghost Baby In Bed With My Son

    So last night I was positive there was a ghost baby in the bed with my son. I was so freaked out, I barely slept. I even tried creeping in there with a flashlight while my son was sleeping. Well, this morning I go to investigate a bit further. It turns out my husband just forgot to put the mattress protector on when he changed the sheets 😂😂 I could kill him.

    Credit https://www.facebook.com/maritza.elizabeth.73

  • Looking For A Way To Keep Your Kids Still…

    Looking for a way to keep your kids still….

    Buy them glow in the dark pjs. Tell them they have to lie really still under the light to “charge” them…..

    I’m not even sorry 😂😂😂😂

    ****Update: To expand on the trickery I’ve started putting the pjs back into their drawer when they get dressed in the morning……unexposed to light all day they dim and do not glow in the dark when they tried to test me last night until they laid down again. Reinforcing the need to lie quietly under the light before bed

    Again #notevensorry

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