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Tag: funny

  • The Best Way To Pay A Male Stripper

    Last night, my friends and I went to a Ladies Night Club. One of the girls wanted to impress the rest of us, so she pulled out a £10 note. When the male dancer came over to us, my friend licked the £10 note and stuck it to his bum cheek! Not to be outdone, another friend pulls out a £20 note. She called the guy back , licks the £20 note, and sticks it to his other bum cheek.

    In another attempt to impress the rest of us, my third friend pulls out a £50 note and calls the guy over, and licks the £50 note. I’m worried about the way things are going, but fortunately, she just stuck it to one of his bum cheeks again. My relief was short-lived. Seeing the way things are going, the guy races over to me.

    Now everyone’s attention is focused on me, and the guy is egging me on to try to top the £50. My brain was churning as I reached for my wallet. What was I to do? The woman in me took over… I got out my ATM card, swiped it down the crack of his bum, grabbed the eighty quid and left!.

    Credit https://www.facebook.com/Rudesonarole/

  • So This Virus Can Be Killed With Hand Soap

    Not Fatual but Hilarious

    So we’re into our 5th month of defeating COVID-19. These words made me laugh 😂 but there’s a lot of truth mixed in to consider. . .

    1. So let me get this straight, there’s no cure for a virus that can be killed by sanitizer and hand soap?
    2. Is it too early to put up the Christmas tree yet? I have run out of things to do.
    3. When this virus thing is over, I still want some of you to stay away from me.
    4. If these last months have taught us anything, it’s that stupidity travels faster than any virus on the planet.
    5. Just wait a second – so what you’re telling me is that my chance of surviving all this is directly linked to the common sense of others? You’re kidding, right?
    6. If you believe all this will end and we will get back to normal just because we reopen everything, raise your hand. Now slap yourself with it.
    7. Another Saturday night in the house and I just realized the trash goes out more than me.
    8. Whoever decided a liquor store is more essential than a hair salon is obviously a bald-headed alcoholic.
    9. Remember when you were little and all your underwear had the days of the week on them. Those would be helpful right now.
    10. The spread of Covid-19 is based on two factors: 1. How dense the population is and 2. How dense the population is.
    11. Remember all those times when you wished the weekend would last forever? Well, wish granted. Happy now?
    12. It may take a village to raise a child, but I swear it’s going to take a whole vineyard to home school one.
    13. Did a big load of pyjamas so I would have enough clean work clothes for this week. 🤣

  • He ate 12 DOSES of Ex-lax.

    Oh my God, I have never laughed so fucking hard in my LIFE.

    So last night my husband took some Ex-lax. Then this morning, some shit started going down. Like, literally. He looked at the packaging and realized that when it said to eat 1-2 squares, it meant the tiny squares, not an entire block.

    He ate 12 DOSES of Ex-lax.

    (Husband, baby, I can see where the mistake was made. With that whole block of chocolate wrapped up like one dose, and it flipped backwards like it was, I get it. But good Lord, I can’t even with this.)

    So I’m calling Poison Control because he thought he was dying and I literally cannot stop laughing. I’m barely able to talk, I’m laughing so hard. The guy on the other end probably thought it was a prank call. I swear to God, I hope they record their calls and enjoy that one at the staff meeting later because even thinking about me trying to explain that my 39 year old husband just ate a whole brick of Ex-lax is making me wheeze.

    The guy was like, “The biggest risks are cramping, dehydration, and diaper rash.”

    Motherfucking DIAPER RASH.

    🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 I was NOT ready for this dude to come at me with diaper rash. I completely lost it. My husband was so pissed (from the bathroom of course). The Poison Control guy kept chuckling and going, “Oh boy. Oooooooh boy. You’ll need to get some Desitin.”

    DEAD.

    I am not equipped to deal with this kind of crisis. I know it could have been super serious, but OMG

    And the funniest part of all is he thought he only took a half dose because he only ate one bar 😂😂😂

    He’s going to be fine. I’m still crying. I can’t even drink my latte because I keep choking thinking about it and spitting my coffee back into my mug. I had to lay down sideways in a restaurant booth because I was laughing so hard I couldn’t breathe, three full hours after this happened. I kept clearing my throat on the call with Poison Control like, “Ahem. Okay, I know this is serious. Please continue. AHAHAHAHAHA!!!”

    💀💀💀💀💀💀

    He let me share this story. I have no idea why. All I know is it’s a gift to the universe.

    Credit https://www.facebook.com/authorabbyjimenez/

  • Corona Virus Is A Smart Cookie

    Corona Virus is a smart cookie
    .
    😂😂😂
    This Corona Virus is the strangest virus I’ve ever heard of. It’s very dangerous the way it spreads. It is so mysterious the way it lurks in schools, but then dies at B&Q. It is sneaky. It can spread when buying clothes at M&S but not at Tesco.

    It is non-alcoholic. It can’t spread when you are buying beer. It lives for two days on Amazon boxes, you must wait 48 hours to touch them but It can’t survive on takeaway coffee cups, so enjoying a hot cup of costa is safe. It is the most curious thing, how it lives on footballs, ballet bars, even loo seats but dies on WWE ropes.

    It is spread by hair stylists, dog groomers, and dentists, but not by bank tellers, cashiers, and fast food workers. It’s so smart. It won’t bother the first 10 people but it knows when the 11th person shows up so be careful if that’s you.

    It even knows what you want vs what you need. If you want a massage or your nails done it is very actively on the prowl and not even a mask can stop it but If you need a plumber, it is weak, and a mask will keep it away. It also seems to be most dangerous after 5:30pm so businesses must start to close before the virus comes out and wreaks havoc upon the populations. Whoever heard of such a smart sneaky virus?!?

    Credit https://www.facebook.com/elizabeth.kenny3

  • What I Did When My Childs Boyfriend Dumped Her

    I’ve spent the last hour or so comforting my 8yr old daughter Millie.

    For the last 6 plus months, Millie has had an on / off relationship with the 7yr old little boy next door. (I don’t want to use his real name so I’ll call him Joe bloggs) Obviously they’re far too young for a real boyfriend / girlfriend relationship but they’d play together, occasionally hold hands, and blow each other kisses over the hedge. All very cute and lovely.

    Joe bloggs has just dumped Millie from over the garden fence and she is HEARTBROKEN. We’ve had endless tears, lots of snot and lots of cuddles.

    Now anyone who knows me, knows I’m not very tactful. I don’t do the whole mushy stuff, and I definitely don’t sugar coat shit.

    Had this been one of my own girlfriends who had been cowedly dumped by her fella, I’d have known exactly what to do. I’d have wiped her tears, poured her a glass of wine and told her in no uncertain terms that she absolutely had to fuck his dad.

    Unfortunately when you’re dealing with an 8yr old with a glass of apple juice at a picnic table…. Not appropriate.

    I chose to just let Millie vent her feelings. I let her be upset, I let her be angry and I sent Daddy to the shop for some chocolate.

    When she started to calm down, I wanted to try and make her smile.

    Joe bloggs had revealed to Millie that he was dumping her for another girl 😱 Apparently they’ve been talking lots and he’s in love with her and when they’re all ‘growned up’ they’re going to have lots of babies.

    To try and make Millie giggle, I got out the pens and paper and we drew a picture of Millie AND Joe bloggs new girlfriend. We drew Millie as a princess and the new girlfriend all Ugly and icky. We gave her a snout for a nose and googly eyes and Millie even gave her a big hairy face. By the end of the picture Millie was beaming and back to my happy little girl 🥰

    It was only when Millie declared she was off to give his new ‘girlfriend’ the picture herself that I was suddenly confused…..

    …… Turns out Joe Bloggs new girlfriend is Millie’s 8yr old sister Vienna 🤦‍♀️

    Millie took great pleasure in showing Vienna the picture that her AND MUMMY had drawn of her. Including details of how Mummy said she probably ate worms for breakfast, has hairy toes and bogies in her ears 🤦‍♀️

    One 8yr old is my best friend.

    The other 8yr old poured her juice into my cuppa and called me a meanie fathead.

    Joe fucking Blogs has a lot to answer for and Mummy has making up to do whilst trying to keep the peace between sisters.

    Is it bedtime yet 🙈

    *Edit….Daddy thinks this whole thing is piss funny and keeps calling me a fathead 🙄

    Credit https://www.facebook.com/jenny.schofield.77

  • 30 THINGS THE BASTARDS NEVER TELL YOU ABOUT HOME EDUCATING YOUR CHILDREN DURING LOCKDOWN

    30 THINGS THE BASTARDS NEVER TELL YOU ABOUT HOME EDUCATING YOUR CHILDREN DURING LOCKDOWN

    1 For some people, this is the moment they have been waiting for all their lives. These people cannot wait to get hands on with their children’s education, and you know what, all power to them.

    2 Typically, these people fall exactly into the centre of a Venn diagram made up of creativity; not currently working; patience of a fucking saint; kids have at least brief moments of not being utter dicks.

    3 For the rest of us…falling on the very outskirts of the aforementioned Venn diagram…if not off the page altogether…this is likely the antithesis of the moment we have been waiting for all our lives.

    4 Teachers are fucking heroes. We always knew this, but after lockdown, we will frankly be chaining ourselves to railings outside of Downing Street demanding they get knighthoods, pay rises, and a £50k bonus for every single lesson they don’t throw their hands up in the air and run out of the classroom screaming.

    5 Kids are dicks.

    6 I mean; not all of the time, and not necessarily every kid…

    7 …but most children, most of the time – particularly when you are attempting to home educate them – have something of a propensity to be a bit of a dick.

    8 You will start off your home education journey with such hopes! Such dreams! Such plans for your shared learning experiences together!

    9 All of which will be shattered, broken, and crushed into tiny pieces, roughly thirty seconds after you sit down with your child(ren) and ask them to undertake their first home learning task.

    10 I mean, who knew that the very act of explaining to someone how to do something was so fucking complicated?

    11 Very quickly, you will find yourself mastering the key home education mantra:

    12 “ARE YOU TRYING TO BREAK ME?”

    13 If you are very lucky, your children’s teachers will have sent your children work to do at home.

    14 The methodologies for completion which will immediately have you doubting everything you ever thought you knew about maths, grammar and the English language.

    15 And, for a least a brief period, it will be your child educating you.

    16 Thank fuck for screen time! While home educating your children, they will be enjoying more screen time than they have ever enjoyed in their lives, because it turns out that pretty much everything they need to learn is now delivered via a screen. The irony not being lost on any of you.

    17 Screen time also gives you a brief opportunity to run out of the room and hide in the airing cupboard screaming silently into a bottle of Hendricks. #makingmemories

    18 Many parents are also trying to carry out a full time job whilst simultaneously home educating their children.

    19 This is likely to be roughly as effective on both sides as if you were trying to mow your lawn whilst simultaneously piloting a Boeing 747.

    20 And who doesn’t love the experience of attempting to chair a conference call whilst also providing a rough précis of A Midsummer Night’s Dream?

    21 By Day 2, your carefully drawn up timetables will be shredded into pieces.

    22 Your gin supply will be in serious jeopardy.

    23 And if you see FUCKING Dave posting any more FUCKING photos on social media of his children building a to-fucking-scale model of a Motte and Bailey castle in their back garden made out of organic vegetables lined up in rainbow formation to celebrate our NHS…

    24 …you are not going to be held accountable for your actions, given the response from your child when you asked them to write their name at the top of their homework sheet was to scream, hurl their pencil case on the floor and tell you that they hated you and that you have ruined your life.

    25 Your kids won’t even look at an organic vegetable, let alone line them up in sodding rainbow formation.

    26 And you will feel like you are failing.

    27 But this is not about recreating full time school. You are not a teacher.

    28 (And don’t you fucking know it.)

    29 This is about trying our best. Doing what we can. Not totally fucking losing our shit.

    30 And longing with every fibre of our beings for that halcyon moment…when the school gates open again…and we can send our offspring through the doors… and run out into the playground… shouting FREEEEEEEEEEDOM!!!

    Credit https://www.facebook.com/iknowineedtostoptalkingblog/

  • Lockdown Letter From The Dog

    LOCKDOWN LETTER FROM YOUR DOG

    Dear hoomans

    I have noticed over the past couple of weeks you have been staying in my home for extended periods of time. It is lovely having you here but I feel I should set a few ground rules. I would appreciate it if you would follow the rules whilst you are staying with me.

    1. When you do pop out you will need to take me with you.
    2. You seem to be eating lots of nice goodies whilst lazing about the house. I am entitled to a share of these. I won’t make a fuss I will just sit in front of you and quietly stare at you until I get my quota.
    3. Don’t call me for another bath, I am clean now. Just because you are bored doesn’t mean I need a wash or haircut. I suggest you go clean the metal box on wheels outside again. Daddy human has done that a few times now even though it hasn’t moved in weeks.
    4. As you are here constantly at the moment, it is your duty to let me out as often as I require. That means that even if I have just come in and want to go out again you should let me. Sometimes I miss a spot whilst sniffing about and I need to recheck.
    5. When I am asleep, leave me sleeping, this isn’t a cue for the little humans to play with me. I can also sleep where I like, I don’t expect to be woken so you can move me.
    6. Do not shhhh me when I am barking. As you are here more, my job of protecting you has increased. I have to listen out for every little noise and inform you of it in case it’s a threat.
    7. Don’t leave a room without me, I know how sneaky you guys can be. Just the other day I am sure I heard a crisp packet being opened upstairs and no one called me to share. So from now on I will be following you about.
    8. This is a very important rule. If it lands on the floor it’s MINE, if it’s in my mouth it’s MINE.
    9. You will never pee alone again, you watch me pee so I do not understand why you shut me out and close the loo door when you pee.
    10. If you do not follow these rules I will use SAD PUPPY DOG EYES TO GET WHAT I WANT !

  • How I Went To The ER To Retrieve My Lost Butt Plug

    Saddle in partner, because this is the story of how I went to the ER to retrieve my lost butt plug out of my ass. Its long, but we both know you got time.

    First thing though: feel special. I’ve only ever told this story as a novelty to some close friends, selected family members who are no longer surprised with my shenanigans, and the very few people who happened to put me in a conversation where this story was relatable (looking at you Barbara Ann Marie Arquette ).

    Anyway, enough foreplay. Thats how I got in this mess 🙄

    So I had just moved out of my parents house and in with some roommates. I had a different tinder dude every other day or more: whoring it up with my new found freedom, like Genghis Khan was my idol 🍆🍆🍆🍑🍑🍑 So here comes my offender, let’s call him Beardy. Beardy had, as you might of guessed, a great beard. He also was a boy scout, a boy scout knows his knots, and my kinky ass was done already. Beardy comes over, and we start going at it. A little rope, a little woo-hoo, I’m feeling myself. I decide in a fit of spontaneous inexperience to pull out my 1 dollar butt plug that I got on Wish. You know the one. It’s got a rhinestone, seemed small and innocent enough. WRONG.

    We put it in. All smooth sailing 😎 so far. I feel kinky as shit 😏 no one could possibly master my level of seduction. Then Beardy starts to…mess with it? Wiggling it around, tugging on it, being fuckin weird. So I say “hey I think it’s fine where it is, let’s leave it and keep going.” But no no, Beardy continues, and in the only appropriate fashion for the bad sitcom that is my life goes “its okay, I know what I-….” He then gasps. He looks a little concerned. He looks at me. He looks at my dukey hole. He looks back at me again.

    “What’s wrong?” I ask him. I’m thinking is my starfish ugly???? I knew I should of bleached it dagnabbit. He goes “uh….its gone.” ITS GONE!?!?!?!
    WHAT DO YOU MEAN ITS GONE?
    THAT BEDAZZLED ROCKET DIDNT JUST LAUNCH INTO SPACE MOTHER FUCKER.
    “I told you not to mess with it!!” I am so upset. He’s telling me to calm down as if telling a woman to calm down has ever ended better than him being hit with a mf car 🚗
    “Relax” he says. “I’ve lost much bigger things in MY ass!”
    BRUH 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️
    I make this fool take me to the hospital. I lived literally a block away, so he drops me off and his ass goes home, to be blocked and never getting to speak to me again 😒

    I walk into the ER. Luckily there’s only a few people in the waiting room, so other than the butt plug feeling like an ever ominous dukey waiting to groundhog, I feel a tiny bit better about the situation. I go up to the check in counter and the nurse asks what I’m being seen for. “Uhm….can I…write it down?” I whisper. Obviously if I whisper God can’t hear me. He kinda gives me a look but luckily puts me straight into triage so I can bare my sins. The nurse back there goes straight to the point. “What are you being seen for?”

    Ah, yes. The question clouds my brain like the farts trapped in my lower digestive system.

    “I uh….lost something. In my butt.” At this point I made a decision. I could either die of embarrassment right here in this hospital, and be the butt of many jokes to cum (get it?) OR I can own it. Make it my own joke to tell. I went with the latter. “I lost a butt plug in my ass” and told him the story thus far. He rubbed the back of his head and was like….let’s just get you in a room.

    So I get in a gown, get to a room, and after a bit another nurse comes in. She’s smoking hot 🔥 she puts her hands on her hips, and goes….” So I heard you lost something.” Damn it. I already know this story is going around the nurses stations word for word already, and my dumb ass is rapidly developing a crush on this sassy red head (because priorities?). I repeat my story and she sets up an x-ray for me, all the while lecturing me on how important it is to have butt plugs with a wide base and plenty of lube (obviously she’s flirting with me and doesn’t actually care about the safety of my traumatized anus….right?) When we go to the xray room she INSISTS on holding my gown for me at my neck. My ass is just out. I’m like no I can cover myself, but she marches me there, bare assed, without another word about it.

    I’m back in my room finally after making 2 ass out trips in easily the most trafficked portion of the ER. The doctor meets me in there…and he is a SNACC. This dude is 6’6 and handsome as hell. Why do these things keep happening to me? He goes “so….I heard you lost something.” 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️ he’s pressing around my abdomen making small talk. I ask him how his day was and he goes “oh you know, just a typical Wednesday.” Same dude. Same. Someone please kill me.

    Now here is the meat and potatoes for this story. Are you still with me? You should be, because I’m hilarious and these things happen to me so you don’t have to go through it yourself. Here we go.

    Doc snaps on some gloves, as does my nurse. This could almost be an awesome kinky fantasy if there wasn’t an egg🥚 blocking the exit that is my poop chute. Doc pulls out a fucking arm sized container of lube. “For these kinda things, you need lots of lube.” snaps glove Lord have mercy. Next he pulls out this scope thats meant to slowly stretch out your anal muscles: I’m thinking this won’t be too bad right? As usual I was dead wrong. He has me get onto all fours on the bed, knees and elbows. I am fully on display. I didn’t see a casting couch anywhere, much to my disappointment. This was my life 🙄🙄 he puts the scope in and starts doing his thing. He’s rooting around, hmming and hawing until eventually he pulls it out and tries using a finger. It’s been about 20 minutes now, and at this point I should just call him daddy.

    He puts a hand on the top of my ass. “I’m gonna try something else…and you’re not gonna like it.” Before I have a chance to ask what the hell that means….HE FISTS ME. HIS WHOLE GODDAMN ARM IS ELBOW DEEP IN MY BUNGHOLE. THIS VERY LARGE MAN IS SEARCHING FOR GOLD IN MY EXIT CAVE.
    I shriek. The nurse comes running over, hands on my shoulders, shushing me and rubbing my head. “Are you okay?” The doctor asks, one fist in my asshole and the other holding me down so I don’t run through the fucking wall like the Kool Aid man. “I’m fine,” I say, tears streaming down my face. “Just a typical Wednesday. “

    I laugh. The doctor laughs. The nurse laughs. My asshole laughed… His fist is still in my Hershey hole.

    After a grueling few more minutes he gets it out. I am finally able to deflate. Its washed, put in a neat little bio hazard bag and I’m asked if I would like a keepsake copy of my xray. I said absolutely. On my way out, I see nurses huddled around a computer…with my xray on it. “Omg. I would of freaked out.” Said a nurse. I popped my head over the counter. “Oh don’t worry, I did.” I retold the story, to a great audience and waddled home at something like 6am.

    The end!

    Credit https://www.facebook.com/samantha.palenske

  • Biff And Chip On Home Schooling

    This is Biff.

    This is Chip.

    This is Biff and Chip’s homework.

    Biff and Chip are required to write down ten examples of fronted adverbials.

    Biff and Chip have not a fucking clue what a fronted adverbial is.

    This is Mum.

    Mum has not a fucking clue what a fronted adverbial is either.

    “We don’t know what a fronted adverbial is,” whinge Biff and Chip. “This homework is impossible. You will have to help us.”

    “It’s not my homework, it’s your homework,” says Mum, thanking her lucky stars that she did not have to engage in any of this fronted adverbial bollocks when she was at school.

    This is Dad.

    Dad still struggles to distinguish between a noun and a verb, and would not know a fronted adverbial if one came up and punched him in the face.

    Biff and Chip think for a moment about asking Dad for help.

    They decide to Google instead.

    This is Mrs May.

    When Mrs May went into teaching she honestly believed she would be able to spend her time helping children to love learning. And putting on plays. Mrs May loves a play. She did not realise that a love of learning would not feature on the National Curriculum at all, and that she would instead be forced to meet a series of impossible and continuously moving goalposts which successive governments would put in place, and have to teach her classes about ridiculous concepts such as fronted adverbials which, in all honesty, are only ever likely to be of use if they end up becoming professors of linguistics. Or primary school teachers.

    If truth be told, Mrs May has not a fucking clue what a fronted adverbial is either.

    This is Floppy the dog.

    Floppy holds no truck with fronted adverbials.

    Floppy eats the fronted adverbial homework sheet.

    Floppy knows that he is a fucking liability, and waits to be told so.

    No one is more surprised than Floppy when the entire family gather around and tell him “Oh GOOD dog Floppy.”

    Floppy feels this is proof positive that some good can come from fronted adverbials after all.

    Later at school, Biff and Chip are, for the first time, able to legitimately use the excuse: “My dog ate my homework.”

    Mrs May breathes a secret sigh of relief that that is one less set of incomprehensible and entirely incorrect homework that she has to plough through, and suggests to the class that they will all put on a play instead to celebrate.

    Hang in there homeschoolers 🤣🤣

  • Boris A Little Poem

    I’ve written a poem.

    Really not trying to belittle or trivialise what is happening right now. I just wanted to get a few bits and bobs off my chest and this works for me.

    Boris.

    I’ve wrote a little poem
    I hope it doesn’t suck
    I hope that you don’t roll your eyes
    And mutter ‘What the fuck?’

    I didn’t vote for Boris
    But he’s not as bad as Blair
    At least he’s no war criminal
    But I wish he’d brush his hair

    I watch him on my phone
    Which makes me squint like mad
    Cos that little shit Dempsey
    Has nicked my iPad

    I watch it in the kitchen
    Whilst I’m doing dinner
    Puts me off my fucking food
    But at least I’m getting thinner

    I’ve got loads of questions
    Like can we test, test, test?
    But Boris goes ‘Nah fuck off mate’
    We didn’t invest, vest, vest.

    But he’s done a deal for ventilators
    A 30 million pound hit
    Hope they’re better than Dyson’s vacuums
    ‘Cos they are fucking shit.

    This situation makes me sad
    It’s beyond my comprehension
    I hope my poem makes you laugh
    And eases just a little bit of tension.

    Credit https://www.facebook.com/themadramblings1/