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  • The Cold Hard Truth About Disney Holidays

    PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT

    What I am about to give y’all is free advice that I should be paid a lot of money for but I’ve decided to educate all future dads, current dads, and grandpas for free. After the last week I feel it’s my duty to help others before they plunge into the Disney mission. Every one will call it the Disney experience but trust me it’s more like a mission.

    Let’s start by when your wife and kids bring up going to Disney World the first thing you do is convince them that it has burned down and is no longer in existence. If that doesn’t work you should have time to follow my steps bc they will plan this for along time.

    First thing you do is enroll in the navy seal training program. You will learn many skills needed for you to survive your Disney mission, such as being able to keep your cool under extreme pressure. Little to no sleep for long periods of time and being hot, cold,and wet all minutes apart.

    You will learn how to not use the bathroom for hours at a time and be stealthy sneaking in and out of lines by not being detected to alert the others around you. You will learn how to be hungry and thirsty with no time to eat or drink for fear of missing your next objective.

    U will also be in shape so you can walk in circles for miles and miles each day which may or may not require you to sprint at high speeds for short distances. All the skills at navy seals training will be needed. Do not take this lightly.

    Rusty and I did not get pointers before we went through this mission and almost didn’t make it home. Some vocabulary words that u should get comfortable with are fast pass, quick service, snack credit, table service, wait time. Also sharpen up on your map reading skills and be ready to make quick and accurate deviations bc sometimes you will be seconds away from being too late.

    Be ready to get up early and go to bed very late. Don’t be fooled this is not a vacation. You will be excited to go home and back to work. Before you head out on your Disney mission get out your stroller and practice folding it up and unfolding it up. If you can’t do it 3 times in under a minute you aren’t ready keep practicing. Also you will have to remember where you park the damn stroller 20 times a day and it will always be in a stupid spot and if u park it in a spot that’s convenient they will go move it to a dumb spot so you will have to search for it.

    You will have to find it quick bc you won’t have much time to get to your next ride. You will need to be able to stand for hours and hours and if you get lucky to sit down it will be a hard surface with no padding but don’t worry you will only get to sit for a couple of seconds bc you will have to get somewhere very soon. Don’t expect to sit down and eat and relax either bc you will need to eat fast so you can get to your next event.

    Miles adapted and started swallowing his food whole to make up time. Early in the morning is the most important part of the day. Be prepared to get up 3 hours before the rides start and get on the bus. It’s important to be at the front of the start line and haul ass to the most popular rides before the rest of the crowd gets there Be able to run while steering around many others while pushing your stroller while being yelled at to hurry.

    All skills you should acquire at seal training. Always be prepared to stop and take a picture but be able to do it fast bc you don’t have much time. If you think your tired slap yourself and push on Also no matter what your wife makes you wear t-shirt wise trust me you will not be the goofiest looking family there.

    Trust me you will see some goofy families wearing matching shirts that will make your own look awesome so don’t fret about the shirt thing. That’s the least thing to be concerned about. The last advice I will give you is get a second job months before you deploy such as be a drug dealer bc your gonna need some extra money bc a donut cost 5 bucks and a coke is 4 bucks. If you think your gonna get a beer to knock the edge off so you make it through the day they cost 8 bucks so the salary of a drug dealer is needed to support the mission financially. Follow these pointers and maybe you to will make it through a 7 day Disney mission.

    Credit Dustin Mueller

  • The Worst Surprise Of My Life

    During lunch at work, I ate 3 plates of beans (which I know I shouldn’t). When I got home, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly, “Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight.” He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and went to answer the call.

    The beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go.

    It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a garbage dump! I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously. Then, shifting to the other leg, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage. Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on releasing atomic bombs like this for another few minutes. The pleasure was indescribable!

    Eventually the telephone farewells signaled the end of my freedom, so I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself.

    My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband returned, apologizing for taking so long.

    He asked me if I had peaked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not.

    At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table, with their hands to their noses, chorused, “Happy Birthday!” 🎂

     

  • Savage Mouse Attack On Man

    So after our landlord getting someone out to do work to the house to stop mice getting in, we have been terrorized by one for the past 2 days. Constantly on edge. Anyway tonight me and james walked into the livingroom and james started going buck daft saying the mouse was up his trouser leg, pure freaking out. I’m screaming, he’s screaming, kids are crying.

    All we can see is the wee bulge of the mouse at the bottom his leg.. he’s holding his leg so it can’t crawl up any further.. he wants me to open the bottom of his trouser cuff to get it out and im like ‘nah mate, im out’. I then get the great idea to get him outside so we can let it run free. So he hobbles outside and hes trying to get me to open the cuff, im crying saying ‘nooo I cant, I really cant’.. then it dawns on us that there’s building work going on next door.. I know, ill ask a builder… james is standing there like ‘hurrry upppp😭😭’.. so I sprint in next door.. builder man opens the door and I start panic shouting in his face to open my boyfriend trouser leg to get the mouse out.. he’s in stitches.. walks into our garden to help.. I flee the scene cos yano, phobia of mice n all… im standing in the hall listening, heart going a dinger.

    James screams and the builder starts laughing.. then james laughs. It was his car key.. he’s got a hole in his pocket. I’m fucking traumatized.. kids have ptsd.. james needs new track suit bottoms.. and i need a fucking drink! Jesus christ 😂😂

    Credit Rachael McRobbie

  • Funny how that works

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  • How I Met My Son-In-Law.. Funny Story

    Daughter’s Vibrator

    A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter’s bedroom.

    When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator.

    What are you doing?” she exclaimed.

    The daughter replied, “I’m 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I’ll ever get to a husband.”

    Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement.

    When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on the sofa with her vibrator.

    “What are you doing?” he exclaimed.

    The daughter replied, “I’m 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I’ll ever get to a husband.”

    A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this time in the living room.

    In there, she found her husband watching the Super Bowl on television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him.

    “What are you doing?” she exclaimed.

    He replied…………”Watching the game with my son-in-law.”

  • Daddy’s Asleep So From Midnight It’s Just You And I

    “Daddy’s Asleep”

    I love your daddy, I really do,

    After all, without daddy, I wouldn’t have you.

    So from midnight till sunrise, it’s just you and I.

    And as each hour passes, I’m not gonna lie:

    Mommy’s love slowly fades, becomes angry and weak,

    Because no matter what, your dad is f***ing asleep!

    It all starts out lovely. We kiss each other goodnight.

    We look lovingly down at you dear, such a beautiful sight.

    An hour later, mommy wakes with a start.

    You’re twisting and turning, you’re starting to fart.

    You’re gesturing for food. Mommy is there

    with a bottle or breast

    Daddy is snoring away, the way he knows best.

    Mommy burps you, and holds you and rocks you with care.

    You spew foul smelling yogurt on mommy’s freshly washed hair.

    As mommy changes her shirt, and mops vomit off the floor.

    Your daddy farts, rolls over and continues to snore.

    Mommy’s maternal alarm goes off, it’s not even three!

    You’re stirring again, you’re hungry and staring at me!

    “I think she is hungry” your daddy offers, pulls duvet over his head,

    Mommy sends him a death stare and rolls out of bed.

    Mommy comes back, tired and drained and what is this I see?

    Your daddy has taken over my side, doesn’t give a f*** about me!

    Mommy kicks him and pushes him angrily away.

    “What’s up love?” He moans in a lovingly way.

    Your daddy has no clue he is under attack.

    He wraps his arms around me and kisses my back.

    And just as my love for daddy is back on the rise,

    You start to coo in your crib and open your eyes.

    And daddy gently nudges me to attend to your need.

    I give him the finger as I prepare for a feed.

    But as the sun starts rising, the slate is wiped clear.

    I’m back to full love for your daddy and for you my dear.

    I forget that daddy sleeps while you cry and you poo.

    It’s back to kissing and hugging and doting on you.

    Soon you’ll grow up and be daddy’s little girl.

    You’ll not remember me cleaning up shit and vomit hurl.

    Whilst you sit on his lap and he sings you a song,

    You’ll love him and think daddy could do nothing wrong.

    But my sweet love, here is a poem for you to keep,

    So you know that all those long nights, dad was f***ing asleep!

    Credit Caroline Andersen

  • Sex Scenes On Tv Don’t Happen Like That In Real Life

    When you watch sex scenes on tv. Is it me that thinks, “It does not even happen like that? ” “Is this even sex?”

    They have sex instantly,. Then roll over cuddling and fall asleep. Errrmmmm? No sorry, Who the hell does that?.

    I am sure this is the right way.

    Sometimes it takes 25 minutes to even get hard. I’m literally walking around the house smacking the dick across things to get the blood in. Tv’s, The cooker, The dog. Then when we’re good to go it’s still not straight forward. Theres the moving around positions, Getting feet stuck in blankets and falling over. Headbutting each other trying to be sexy. Picking your partner up and falling off the bed. Then the dick falls out and you try put it back in and you hit the brown bum hole. She thinks it was an accident when in reality the man wants to see if she’s willing to go a bit further.

    Half way through you need to stop and have a water break. Grab that pop from the side of the bed then whack it back in. Then you both pull the most ridiculous cum faces and flop off each other. Now in films they cuddle and go to sleep. No no. What about the cum run. Women running across the landing like there vaginas falling out and they are trying to catch it. Then when they sit on the toilet you hear the good old fanny fart and cum explosion into the toilet. While the mans laying there with spermicide still coming out his willy and flicking it off.

    Then when its bed time you both try to get comfy and always find sperm getting somewhere it should not have. Like your ears or ankles or in between your toes.

    Tvs need to actually watch sex.. I mean it can be quite stressful.

  • I Never Let My Kids Eat Processed Foods

    “ I Never Let my Kids eat processed Foods”

    Oh Piss off Paula you lying Bastard! After a week of 3 School Runs a day, plus the ‘I forgot my banana on the stairs Mum!!’ re run before you eventually turn up for Work, looking like something a Fucking Cat Dragged in, you reach for those Chicken Twatting Nuggets, Chips and Beans on a Friday Night like we all do!

    “ My Kids are in bed by 7pm every Night”

    Really Susan?? REALLY?? Because my little C**ts were swinging from the Curtains like Fucking Spider Monkeys every night last week until 8:30pm when they eventually shut the fuck up and went to sleep. Fuck off Susan ya lying twunt and put your Piriton Syringe away ya cheating fuck stick!

    “My kids are only allowed their Tablets for 20 Minutes a Day”

    Barbara you’re a lying Bastard! We all tell them to ‘watch a film’ whilst we clean our Shit hole houses, then before we know it they’re neck deep and 2 hours into some screaming little twat on YouTube, watching them play an Xbox game that they Fucking own themselves, but noooooo, its more fun watching some snotty bratty bastard playing it!!

    “Mine aren’t allowed treats in between meals, they have Fruit”

    Carol you bullshitting Arse Goblin!! I left the room for 5 Minutes last week and this happened 👇🏻👇🏻👇🏻

    A fuck Tonne of Milk! A whole Tray of Biscuits. Both ipads and Massive happy faces!!!

    Like fuck i was taking it off them. I was proud of their teamwork !! They’re Children. They should be allowed Chicken Nuggets for Tea every now and then. It’s ok if they have a Late night here and there, or an ipad game/film for longer than 20 Minutes so we can maybe, just maybe wash our Fucking hair alone without Our Gremlins trashing the bathroom like a pair of Wild Bastard Seals!!

    Mums You’re doing just fine! Make the Fucking Nuggets. Utilise the ipads so you can maybe hear the voices in your head again 🤪 . Let them knacker themselves out playing TMNT upstairs on the C**ting Curtains until they flake out, and let them have a treat, Let them steal the cookies from the cupboard and let them be Fucking proud of it!

    i know i am 😊

    Full credit goes to:

    Leigh Anne Smith

  • Name A Cockroach After Your Ex And Watch It Be Eaten On Valentines Day

    What good is Valentine’s Day if you don’t treat yourself, being single on Valentines day isn’t such a bad thing really?

    You could be like me and wait until the 15th of february to celebrate by treating yourself to all the half price chocolates.

    Or you could “watch a cockroach named the same name as your ex get eaten and destroyed”.

    Yes, this is a very real thing and is totally something I would love to do.

    So, how can you go about naming a sleazy cockroach after your ex?

    The El Paso Zoo will name a cockroach after your ex and then feed it to a meerkat live on camera and you can watch it all go down, what better way to spend Valentines day!

    You can message the zoo on Facebook with your ex’s name, then wait patiently for February 14 to watch the roach get devoured during the “Quit Bugging Me” meerkat event, which will live-stream on Facebook and the zoo’s website.

    The names of those exes will also be displayed around the meerkat exhibit and on social media starting February 11. The zoo calls it “the perfect Valentine’s Day gift.”

    On Facebook, the Zoo even says:

    What’s the perfect Valentine’s Day gift? ❤️Naming a cockroach after your ex, of course! Message us your ex’s name and we’ll name a cockroach after them! We’ll post names (First and last name initial!) starting February 11 here on Facebook! Watch on Facebook Live or on our website’s Meerkat webcam on Valentine’s Day at 2:15 pm to see them devour these little bugs!

  • A Letter To CBeebies Regarding Bedtime Hour

    RE: ‘BEDTIME HOUR’

    Dear CBeebies,

    I am writing to complain about ‘Bedtime Hour’.

    Since becoming a parent I have very much enjoyed your programming. I love almost everything about it; from Hey Duggee to Andy’s Prehistoric Adventures.

    Yes, Abney & Teal’s a bit shit, Bing’s a whiny dick and the Tumble family can be a bit unsettling (I’m just going to say it: Mr Tumble, Grandpa Tumble, Polly Tumble, there’s not a single member of that family that doesn’t look like they keep body parts in the freezer), but generally speaking Cbeebies is pretty awesome.

    That said, ‘Bedtime Hour’…

    6 o’clock?

    ..6 o’ f**king clock!?

    In what parallel universe does CBeebies exist that kids are settling down for bed at 6 o’ Clock!!?? Most kids are still crayoning cocks on the radiators at half 7!? And that’s the really well-behaved ones.

    Have you ever tried to get a kid anywhere near their bed between 6 and 7? … they’ll have your bloody eyes out. It’s like trying to get a pissed and f**ked off badger into a carrier bag. (It doesn’t want to go and someone’s gonna get hurt).

    Far from being bedtime.. Between 6 and 7 is the time when most kids piss-taking abilities are at their most powerful. For them, it is the perfect time to go ‘berzerker’.. full William Wallace.. smash the place up, face-plant off the settee, get out every toy they’ve ever owned and stick a plastic light-sabre up the dog’s arse.

    6-7pm is go f**king nuts time.

    It’s not just in our house, I’ve done extensive research on this and I can categorically say that 6 o’clock is not bedtime hour in anyone’s house with young kids in it.

    In fact, if you’re interested, the hours preceding bedtime are actually as follows:

    6-7pm – ‘Negotiation’ Hour

    7-8pm – ‘For Fucks Sake’ Hour

    8-9pm – “No, how many more times, you’re not watching The bloody Incredibles, its bedtime!?”.’ Hour

    9-10pm – ‘”It was your idea to have kids in the first place”‘ Hour

    10-11pm – ‘Losing the last dying embers of your will to live.. Kill Me. Kill Me ‘ Hour

    11-12pm – ‘Bedtime’ Hour

    12-? – ‘How are you up again? What are you.. a f**king vampire!?’ Hour.

    With all due respect, I know it must seem like you’ve got ‘bedtime hour’ correct – because it gets massive viewing figures – but that’s only because Tom Hardy sometimes does the bedtime story and half the mums in the UK are licking the screen.

    In truth, four hours after you lot have knocked off – to go on the piss with Dr Ranj, Mister Maker and the cast of Biggleton – Most parents are still negotiating with their mini terrorists to find out what they want in return for just going upstairs.

    And the worst thing is that, without Cbeebies, parents are then forced to stumble over to Nickolodeon Jr to endure American cartoons about talking cars and ‘being buddies’ and an endless cycle of adverts for plastic unicorns and dolls that piss and shit themselves.

    Look, I’m sure there’s a topsy and tim type family somewhere in the Home Counties where the kids adhere to this 6-7 bedtime hour. I’m sure these kids are tucked up beneath hemp blankets, that mommy weaved just that morning, gently dozing as daddy plays ‘Let it be’ on an acoustic guitar. But not in our house where if we can get our child to bed without a major fire or anybody dying that’s a pretty good evening.

    So, please. For the sake of the threadlike sanity that every parent in this nation clings to at the end of each day do the right thing. Move bedtime hour to.. let’s say…reality.

    Matt x

    P.S. Oh, and not to be an arse, but to make matters worse you lot don’t start the programmes again until 6 in the morning. This morning my son got up at 4am. He couldn’t have got up any earlier if he’d invented time travel.. I was that tired I couldn’t feel my face.. and where were you.. nowhere!?

    If I hadn’t had a couple of Go Jetters stacked up on the sky planner I’d have thrown myself under the bin lorry at 8.

    P.P.S and thanks for The Stick Song by the way, you utter barstards.

    P.P.P.S… love you really.

    Fulll credit to the amazing guys at man versus baby… check them out>>>

    https://www.facebook.com/manversusbaby/