Tag: funny
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Mums Prank On Son Lands Her In Jail
Mums prank on son lands her In jail
How often have you cleared up your child’s mess and thought to yourself wait til you get your own place then you will see, well one mum did just this.
Chloe Thomas’s son Harry moved into his first flat at the age of 20.
His mum was given a key and what she did next got her into big trouble.
Chloe went to her sons flat and threw cereal all over the sofa, smeared yogurt all over the windows, drew on the freshly painted walls, peed all over the toilet seat and floor.
But she wasn’t finished yet she unrolled the toilet paper, took a bite out of every apple, poured juice on the table and all over the tv and pulled every piece of clothing out of the wardrobe, and lastly she smashed all the dinner plates and made a tower out of coffee cups.
When her son arrived home and saw his mum sat on the cereal covered sofa whilst eating Nutella out of the jar with the tv remote he didn’t take it well and called the police.
Chloe was taken into custody and eventually order to pay damages.
Chloe told Mums advice “it was pay back for years of destruction in my own home, ok maybe I went too far but my god it was fun”.
Harry commented “I can now see the funny side but at the time I was very annoyed I had spent so much time and money getting the flat how I wanted it, I guess I know what to expect when I have my own children”.
What’s your thoughts did the mum go too far and act inappropriately or was she an evil genius just giving pay back for years of mess and destruction?
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Important Public Announcement-Please Read
IMPORTANT PUBLIC ANNOUNCEMENT:
This is crucial to all road users and especially tourists, the elderly and over-cautious stupid idiots normally driving a car with stick figure families on the back or a novelty fishing sign which attempts to be funny!
This sign (you can’t miss it, it is a big old circle which is white with a huge black line in it) means you can legally drive your CAR on single carriageways at 60mph, …not 20, 25, 28, 30, 34, 40 or heaven forbid 45mph….but 60mph … BLOODY SPEED UP before I die of old age, attempt to over take you and crash my car, my children sitting in the back of my vehicle will pick up some delightful new words such as “wanker” “nob head” and “inconsiderate bastard” !
If you can’t keep up with the speed limit or the pace of modern traffic then get yourself off the road and hand your licence in.
If you won’t do it for me please for the love of god won’t you think of the children! They know me as a kind caring individual but when I am sat behind you and your slow arse driving my inner evil rises to the surface!!! Thanks for reading please share to your fellow drivers and save my sanity.
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Rude Joke Of The Day 1 Minute Read
Rude joke of the day 1 minute read
A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards.
The little boy asked why he wore his collar that way. The man, who was a priest, said, ” I am a Father.”
The little boy replied, “My Daddy doesn’t wear his collar like that.”
The priest looked up from his book and answered, “I am the Father of many.”
The boy said, “My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn’t wear his collar that way.”
The priest, getting impatient, said, “I am the Father of hundreds” and went back to reading his book.
The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said,”Maybe you should wear your pants backwards instead of your collar.”
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Amazing and Funny Poem For Middle Aged Woman
A poem written for us woman who are aging with style
Sweaty Boobs, back fat
Melting flaps and all of that
Leaky ladies, a bristly chin
We middle age girls cannot win
Drying up, inside and out
Hairy toes and hairy snout
Knickers pulled up nice and high
Boobs somewhere around your thigh
Can’t even sneeze without a piddle
Nice roll of fat around the middle
But we are made of stronger stuff
Though we may have a saggy muff
We will age with charm and grace
and hair removal on our face
We will laugh instead of cry
As the years go flying by
We are kind and strong and proud
And, after a few gins, very loud
Anti wrinkle cream will do its best
But vodka and laughter can do the rest
So age, my friends, with a smile on your face
And a tenna lady firmly in place.
Author unknown
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Bulls, Sex, Mr and Mrs, Hilarious Story
My wife and I went to the auction mart in America the other week and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said,
‘THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR’
My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs ……smiled and said, ‘He mated 50 times last year, that’s almost once a week.’
We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said,
”THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR’
My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, ‘WOW~~That’s more than twice a week ! ………..You could learn a lot from him.’
We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters,
‘THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR
‘My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said,
‘That’s once a day ..You could REALLY learn something from this one.’
I looked at her and said,
‘Go over and ask him if every time was with the same old cow.’
My condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and I should eventually make a full recovery.
Original source unknown x
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Daughter’s Vibtator-Funny Story
Daughter’s Vibrator
A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter’s bedroom.
When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator.
What are you doing?” she exclaimed.
The daughter replied, “I’m 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I’ll ever get to a husband.”
Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement.
When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on the sofa with her vibrator.
“What are you doing?” he exclaimed.
The daughter replied, “I’m 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I’ll ever get to a husband.”
A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this time in the living room.
In there, she found her husband watching the Super Bowl on television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him.
“What are you doing?” she exclaimed.
He replied…………”Watching the game with my son-in-law.”
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Fire And Poo- Funniest Parenting Fail Day
If anyone hasn’t got children and are planning on having any, below is 2 reasons why you absolutely should never give birth to anything
The other day I was making sausages mash veg and gravy for the kids. Baring in mind they only eat Richmond.
Maia comes in. Face like a bucket full of turds
Maia: I don’t like sausages
Me: yes you do they’re the ones you always have the only ones you eat.
Her; no they’re spicy I don’t like them
Me: * wtf you little tit you’ve had them every couple of weeks for 10 years. They’re fucking Richmond, they’re probably 99.9% offal flaccid looking things with absolutely no spice in them what so ever* they’re no spicy darling you really like them
Her: well I don’t like them now
Me: mixing gravy. What are you going to have with your mash then
Her: shrugs
Me*opens fridge, freezer and every cupboard like fucking entities have been in* what about nuggets? Turkey emojis? Fish fingers? Actual fish? Fish cakes? Sweet corn? Beans? Pie? Noodles?
Her: no no no no no
27 different meal options I gave her 20 fucking 7
Me:
Her:
Me: what the hell then??
Her:kebab??
Me; no Maia I’m not ordering you a kebab
Her storms off upstairs hollering she wants no dinner and I’m pretty sure if she had a door that worked she would have slammed it
Anyway. The baby’s in bed I’m hoovering and mopping like cinder fucking rella. Muttering obscenities under my breath whilst using the 360 spin mop that is utter shite and hurts my back.
Low and fucking behold there’s Maia on the kitchen side her head in the cupboard that was open for 20 minutes over and hour ago.
Me: what are you doing
Her; I’m having super noodles
Me: I offered them to you an hour ago. You’re going to have to wait until the floors dry and I’ll do it
Her: I’ll do it. I’ve read the packet I can do it
FUCK SAKE.
Me: ok then just make sure you read it properly and follow the instructions
Also me: sits down to write shopping list
I can smell this funny smell. Something not to dissimilar to when I burnt my cheek with molten plastic in the phone box down forest way when I was about 14. Don’t even ask
Fuck me sideways. Maia comes bursting into the room.
The microwaves on fire
For a fat bird I’m off that sofa and in the kitchen like a shot
There’s fucking flames in the microwave
Flames
I’m thinking shit Charlotte she’s boiled them dry. You’ll not get Tesco mum of the year award this year for the 21st year in a row
I open the door
Stand back
Get the baby out
Grab the inferno in a bowl with a wet tea towel and run for the front door
I’m like basil fawlty
Hopping up and down on the spot looking left and right thinking what the fuck am I supposed to do
I see the bin
It’s empty
Binmen came yesterday
Chuck it in there Charlotte and go get some water
I get to the kitchen look out the window and the fucking bins on fire
Wtf??? Why are there flames coming out of the bin
Maia: I put the guess who and low face boxes in the bin
Fuck
The bins on fire
Anyway I manage to extinguish it before it burns the neighbours fence down
Took a minute or 2 to recover then I said to Maia, did the water boil dry??
Her: water? What water? I didn’t know you needed to put water in it
There were no words. I clearly am not cut out to parent anything
Ok so today the baby has the shits
Sore arse and ball sack
In my infinite wisdom I think let him go nappy free fresh air will do it good
I go to get the washing in and put the rabbit away
I’m walking back in with an arm full of washing
I can’t really see the floor
I step in something squidgey
I put the washing on the stairs
There’s fucking shit everywhere
My foot prints
His foot prints
Hand prints
There’s shit fucking everywhere
I’m too scared to look
There he is sat on the sofa stretching his little todger a yard, butt naked and covered in his own shit
There’s shit on the sofa
There’s shit on the rug
There’s shit on his face
There’s shit on my feet
There’s shit in the hall way
I ran with him arms out stretched straight up the stairs to the bath
I’m nauseous
I’m crying
I’ve borrowed bleach off the neighbour
Seriously
Never give birth to anything
Full credit Charlotte Blake
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Here Are Some Reasons NOT To Have Children
If anyone here doesn’t have children and are thinking about procreation here’s about 264 reasons not to bother
* you will on average fill yourself a bath up 4 times a week and never get to get in it
* you will never ever have the chance to get yourself ready. One of your darling womb fruits will either shit themself puke on themselves puke on anything in a 6 metre radius and play in it thus spreading vomit around like the flu virus and putting pukey hand prints on unironed clothes you’ve laid out for yourself
* your house will never be tidy. Imagine there’s an actual tornado twirling around your lounge dragging debris from your draws and under your sofa and you’re trying to pick it up and put it back but it just twirls and whirls and rips it all to pieces again
* you wont ever be able to have a shit in peace. Not ever. The door will open and close on a loop the whole time you’re in there for a variety of reasons. The baby has fallen the cat is biting me where’s my bag
*you’ll somehow find the time to have your hair done, promising to have it done every few months to keep on top of it. 7 months later you have 4 inches of dark root regrowth and the best you can do is put it into a pony tail looking like a crystal meth addict
* your dressing gown will be your best friend. Its raining and the bins need taking out put your dressing gown on. Youve left something in the car from a week last Wednesday that someone really needs, put your dressing gown on. Someone really upsets you, put your dressing gown on. And so on
* toilet roll. Youre probably best off joining Costco and bulk buying it weekly, if you don’t on day 3 you’ll be pretty sure people who don’t live here are coming in purely to wipe their arse holes
* sleep. Now if you like sleep you’ll never get any ever again. Probably only counts if you’re the actual mother fathers don’t seem to have any trouble sleeping at all. Love them. You’ll be awake probably 5 out of the 7 hours you’re up there, finding dummys comfort blankets patting bottoms shooshing arrrrring and having little stubby fingers poked in your eyes. You finally manage to shut your eyes and some other fucker will make a god awful noise outside the door and you’ll start the whole process over again. Only for a about 7 years so don’t panic
* laundry. Theres no such thing as a bottom of a washing basket. You’ll be utterly convinced people live in your house you’ve never met. Everyone will complain they have no clothes yet you spend 17 hours a day washing it drying it and putting it away.
* food shopping. It cost the national debt. Dont think you’re being super clever by swapping certain brands for cheaper alternatives. The little fucking bastards can tell the difference immediately and you’re left with 36 fish fingers that no fucker will eat. Same applies to jam and peanut butter and pretty much everything else
* leaving the house on time. Just forget it. You’ll plan to meet a friend for coffee at 11 and have to txt 36 times to put it back half an hour and by the time you’re ready its the following friday. The fleshy baby mammal will do a massive shit all up its back. It’ll puke projectile after ramming the tail of a dinosaur down its throat itll be hungry and then refuse to eat it so you offer it something else. You would have no doubt forgotten to do its fucking bottle because you’ve had a list of things to do longer than fucking schindlers
* Don’t bother buying new furniture or new anything actually. They will fucking destroy it with sticky shit wet shit chocolate shit dinner shit and any other shit they can get their mischievous fat hands on
* your car will resemble some kind of mobile recycling bin and if anyone else gets in they’ll subtly push the carnage aside with their feet. You will give up apologising. You either want a fucking lift or you don’t.
Theres more but ive obviously ran out of time
Youre welcome
Full credit: Charlotte Blake
