Tag: funny

  • Hilarious Love Island Memes!

    Love Island is back!

    The smash hit reality tv show is FINALLY back on our screens and is set to be another triumph!

    Already the internet is full of jokes, memes and posts all about these epic Islanders!

    These are a few memes we think will make any Love Island fan LOL!!!

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

  • Guide To Understanding Essex Speech

    Guide To Understanding Essex Speech

    Ever wanted to be able to speak and understand the Essex folk well look no further here is an easy guide to help you on your way to speaking fluent Essex

    Alma chizzit.. a request to ascertain the price of an item.

    Amant.. quantity; sum total

    Awss.. Four legged animal you can ride on

    Corta panda.. a large hamburger

    Corta panda wiv cheez.. a large hamburger with a plastic slice of cheese

    Dan ill.. in the direction of the bottom of an incline

    Dohyawanna… Would you like to attend the evnt with me

    Effix.. moral principles

    Eye eels.. women’s footwear which increases their height

    Fanx… an expression of gratitude

    Fink… To ponder

    Furrok… the location of Lakeside shopping centre

    Garrij… urban music genre

    Ibeefa… popular holiday island to party

    Janarta meen… do you understand my sentiments

    Lafarjik… lacking in energy

    Mow tar.. a vehicle

    Saffend… costal resort with the longest pier in the world

    Tan.. the city of London

    Warta… clear liquid which comes from a tap

    Wodja Kowl it.. requesting the name of an item or a term in which to refer

    Wodja rekkun… what are your thoughts on the matter

    Webbats… querying the location of something

    Yafta.. you are obliged

    yuno… do you understand what I am saying

    Zibbit… request for you to be quiet

    Now you can speak Essex, please help your fellow man and add any more translations into the comment section.

    To share your own story, advertise on Mums advice website or Facebook page, want to raise awareness of any topic or would like us to do so on your behalf, then please email us at musadviceltd@outlook.com

  • Here Is Where Some Of Our Common Sayings Come From

    They used to use urine to tan animal skins, so families used to all pee in a pot & then once a day it was taken & Sold to the tannery…….if you had to do this to survive you were “Piss Poor”

    But worse than that were the really poor folk who couldn’t even afford to buy a pot……they “didn’t have a pot to piss in” & were the lowest of the low. The next time you are washing your hands and complain because the water temperature isn’t just how you like it, think about how things used to be.

    Here are some facts about the 1500s:

    Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May, and they still smelled pretty good by June.. However, since they were starting to smell . …… . Brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor. Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting Married.

    Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children. Last of all the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it.. Hence the saying, “Don’t throw the baby out with the Bath water!”

    Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof. When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof… Hence the saying “It’s raining cats and dogs.”

    There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could mess up your nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection. That’s how canopy beds came into existence.

    The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt. Hence the saying, “Dirt poor.” The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on, they added more thresh until, when you opened the door, it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entrance-way. Hence: a thresh hold.

    In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire.. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while. Hence the rhyme: Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old. Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off. It was a sign of wealth that a man could, “bring home the bacon.” They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and chew the fat.

    Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.

    Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or the upper crust.

    Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky. The combination would Sometimes knock the imbibers out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial.. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up. Hence the custom of holding a wake.

    England is old and small and the local folks started running out of places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a bone-house, and reuse the grave. When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive… So they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the graveyard shift.) to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be, saved by the bell or was considered a dead ringer.

  • Using A Vibrator To Get My Baby To Sleep

    Okay so I bought this off beauty off of the online site wish.

    Yes it is exactly what you think it is.

    Just keep reading.

    I got it and when it arrived I realised it had no batteries.

    At the same time I realised that my youngest daughters vibrating bouncer batteries had died.

    So we go to buy batteries for both, off we trot on a mission to make both mummy and daughter happy, but in obviously different ways.

    We get home and I realise we have got the wrong size batteries for the baby bouncer.

    This is a problem because unlike her older sister she is a basic, she likes to be swaddled, she needs womb noises and vibrations/swinging/rocking motions to remain calm and help her to sleep when she is feeling bad, tired or colicy.

    So here I am looking at this never been used bullet and I put the battery in and press the button.

    This thing is powerful like way better than her chair.

    So I here I am.

    Playing womb music on my phone and holding a bullet vibrator to my 1 month olds back to keep her calm and help her sleep.

    Something I never thought I’d say.

    Now I can’t use it for what it was originally intended for, that would just be wrong.

    Okay I,ve lost my new toy but my baby has never been calmer and quicker to fall asleep, this is going to be my new trick to get her to sleep when she is really unsettled, best not to do it in front off my in-laws or own mother though, can you imagine the looks I would receive.

    If you have a story you want to share, trying to raise awareness or want to advertise on Mums advice please email us at mumsadviceltd@outlook.com

  • We’re Going On A School Run We’ve Gotta Do A Big Run

    We’re going on a school run

    We’ve gotta do a big run

    We’re not late

    Uh-uh. A poo

    We can’t not change it,

    He couldn’t wait

    Oh no where’s the wipes

    Wipe rush wipe rush wipe

    We’re going on a school run

    We’ve got to do a big run

    We’re not late

    Uh-uh

    Child’s lost a shoe

    We can’t go without it

    We can’t be late

    Oh no we’ve found it

    Push pull push pull

    We’re going on a school run

    We’ve got to do a big run

    We’re not late

    Uh-uh!

    Another mum

    We can’t avoid her

    We can’t ignore her

    Oh no!

    We’ve got to talk to her

    Smile and nod smile and nod

    We’re going on a school run

    We’ve gotta do a big run

    We’re not late

    Child forgot a book bag

    Child forgot her lunch

    We’re going on a school run

    We’ve gotta do a big run

    WE ARE LATE

  • Veet Hair Removal Cream And Frozen Peas

    If anyone wants a laugh then let me explain to you about tonight’s little escapade with the fucking VEET hair removal cream and why I’m now laying in bed with a bag of frozen peas on my vagina.

    Me and my friend were in tescos this evening looking at the personal care products and we were like you know what, I want a porn star arse hole and I’m broke so let’s rock n roll. VEET HAIR REMOVAL CREAM THAT BRIGHTENS THE SKIN. Got that for a few quid and also a small tub of bleach to brighten the butt hole 🙃 if you’ve read any of the online reviews you’ll know, don’t be a twat.

    Got back to my house had dinner had a few glasses of wine and my other half had gone to bed, so we’re left to VEET and bleach our arse holes like the actual fucking delinquents we are ready to twat it up. Chucked a face mask on and we were ready to go.

    Both of us have one leg cocked up on a chair while we slather the hair removal cream on our vaginas, bikini line and bums. Felt a wee burn but nothing we couldn’t handle. I’ve had a kid for Christ sake, it wasn’t that deep. We then took it in turns after a few mins to get it off each other and look on in amazement at our hairless little bums. Both of us thinking to ourselves that it will be flawless sex now and we’re sleek dolphins. It was good, uncomfortable, but good.

    Didn’t even let the dust settle and our arses were still pretty red raw from the VEET and my friends stirred up this poxy bleach pot and was like right, bend over let’s do this. I’ve started doing hers and this was when the real adventure began.

    My friends leapt from the carpet and let me know she’s going to be sick and can’t do it. Obviously, I was pissing myself and I was like nah shut up come on let’s do it, unaware of the pain to follow. She’s actually rolling around on the floor now sweating because the pains so hideous, but the pain has passed so she can cope. And then she says right your go bend over.

    I’ve bent over and assumed the position, my shiny new flower exposed to the elements and ready to go.

    If you’ve ever veeted your bum and then decided to bleach it after then you know the pain to follow is like straight up hydrochloric acid being swilled onto your arse hole. It’s fucking horrific.

    I’ve screamed and lunged forward and understood exactly how she felt because now I felt the same. I felt winded and I couldn’t breathe and I felt like I was about to bring up my dinner because the pain was so intense. She’s told me to breathe and get through it and the pain will go. So I’m breathing and breathing for what feels like an hour but was actually about 1/2 a second and I say no I can’t do this and throw myself into the toilet, where I sit and wonder if I’m going to end up with 3rd degree burns or need a fucking skin graft or something.

    I’ve wiped the cream off thinking it’s cool it’ll stop except it felt like I was possessed by the devil every time I touched it so I throw myself into the bath with a dress on just to sit in it and spread my cheeks to get this bleach off.

    My friend in the mean time is about to pass out through the pain because it comes in waves. You think it’s going to get better but it doesn’t and the pain just comes straight back and it feels like shit when it does.

    Got the bleach off and it didn’t feel too bad, felt alright. Took some pictures of our new shiny arses after the initial burning shock to send to our boyfriends, happy days, mine loves my new arse. It’s a good end to a not so good evening.

    Fast forward to now, I am laying in bed and wake up because I need a wee 🙃 I struggle to get up because it feels like fucking Chernobyl in my fanny. Like a nuclear meltdown because the heat and pain is RADIATING off me.

    I go for my wee and the sting is instant. I started shouting out in pain and I grabbed the jug on the side of the bath to pour cold water on my vagina while I’m sat down. The cold water shocked me and took the heat away for a second before it came back. I wipe and there is BLOOD on the tissue. Not like red blood, but orange blood where my flaps have been WEEPING from the hair removal and bleach.

    I stood up, dried off by patting down using a towel and then went to get a drink because the pain was so extreme I once again felt like I was going to hurl. I’ve gone in my room and my boyfriends like wtf is wrong with you what’s happened !? While I sob uncontrollably, my vagina was on fire and I had a sense of impending doom that this would be it forever now. He’s got straight up and run an ice cold bath and told me to sit in it.

    After finding the courage to lay down and spread my legs to get some air to them I had to stand back up to get in the bath. My other half is holding my hand the whole time because he can see the pain in my face. This isn’t an over dramatic pain. This is a “my raw flesh is exposed on my vagina and I can’t sit, stand or lay” kind of pain.

    Sat in the ice-cold bath for 10 mins and my vagina is numb. Now laying in bed with a bag of frozen peas on my shrivelled up painful little flower asking myself why the FUCK did I do this ??????? And then thinking to myself you know what tho hun I’m fucking stupid enough to do this again and I probably will because my bum is GLOWING and there’s not a single hair down there 😂

    Emailed in by Julie McWilliams

  • Beware Of The Kellogg’s Sip Up Bowls

    So last night I had a craving, a craved something sweet like a nice Twix or a bag of malteasers but I hadn’t done a food shop in a week and my supplies were low so I decided to make myself some coco pops (you’re never too old) anyways I thought I’d use my daughters special bowl so I could suck all the chocolate milky goodness.

    Ok now this is where my happiness ended, no sweet release, no enjoyable chocolately goodness but along came distress, horror and a grown woman screaming in the kitchen in her very old, worn out but ever so comfy dressing gown.

    Just as I was about to pour in my coco pops I see something black sticking out of the built in straw.

    Ok don’t panic it’s probably an eye lash!!!

    Nope nope nopedy nope it’s an 8 legged mafia looking spider 🕷.

    Let’s just say I’m traumatized I could have sucked on a spider.

    My daughter no longer has her favourite bowl as it was launched out of the back door, ok I could go in the garden and retrieve it but it can stay there, until one of the kids is brave enough to see if mafia spider has moved out and started a little family in the garden where they belong.

    Now I’m sat here eating a bloody apple. 🍎

    I’m super paranoid now, checking in the toilet roll insert, looking in glasses, shoes, mugs and even checking under tea spoons, so to all mummies out there with a spider phobia rinse the straw under the ap before use.

    If you have a story you would like to share with us or wish to raise awareness or have a product or service you want to advertise on Mums advice please send us an email mumsadviceltd@outlook.com

  • Little Known And Useless Facts-Must Read

    Little known and useless facts

    If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.

    (Hardly seems worth it.)

    If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.

    (Now that’s more like it!)

    The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.

    (O.M..G!)

    A pig’s orgasm lasts 30 minutes..

    (O.M..G!!!)

    A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. Creepy! (I’m still not over the pig.)

    Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.

    (Don’t try this at home; maybe at work.)

    The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male’s head off.

    (Honey, I’m home . What the.?)

    The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It’s like a human jumping the length of a football field.

    (30 minutes. Lucky pig! Can you imagine?)

    The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.

    (What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)

    Some lions mate over 50 times a day.

    (I still can’t believe that pig ….quality over quantity.)

    Butterflies taste with their feet.

    (Something I always wanted to know.)

    The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.

    (Hmmmmmm…….)

    Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.

    (If you’re ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)

    Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.

    (Okay, so that would be a good thing.)

    A cat’s urine glows under a black light.

    (I wonder how much the government paid to figure that out.)

    An ostrich’s eye is bigger than its brain.

    (I know some people like that.)

    Starfish have no brains.

    (I know some people like that, too.)

    Polar bears are left-handed.

    (If they switch, they’ll live a lot longer.)

    Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.

    (What about that pig? Do the dolphins know about the pig?)

  • People Selling Mirrors Is The Best Thing I’ve Ever Searched

    Facebook has this wonderful selling site called Market place I myself spend may hours scrolling through images of people’s old junk looking for hidden gems, I was not let down I discovered the amazing images of people trying to sell mirrors.

    Yes my life is sad but this is my new favourite hobby, you could say I now have a mirror fetish. Here are some of my all time favourites

    1. No one can see me is my favourite ever 

      People Selling Mirrors Is The Best Thing I've Ever Searched
      People Selling Mirrors Is The Best Thing I’ve Ever Searched

      2. Well I might as well be happy for my photo

      People Selling Mirrors Is The Best Thing I've Ever Searched
      People Selling Mirrors Is The Best Thing I’ve Ever Searched

      3. Can’t see me!! Nice phone though

      People Selling Mirrors Is The Best Thing I've Ever Searched
      People Selling Mirrors Is The Best Thing I’ve Ever Searched

      4. Erm I’ll tidy later

      People Selling Mirrors Is The Best Thing I've Ever Searched
      People Selling Mirrors Is The Best Thing I’ve Ever Searched

      5. Leg Day, check out my joggers

      People Selling Mirrors Is The Best Thing I've Ever Searched
      People Selling Mirrors Is The Best Thing I’ve Ever Searched

      6. Nice pose

      People Selling Mirrors Is The Best Thing I've Ever Searched
      People Selling Mirrors Is The Best Thing I’ve Ever Searched

      7. Peek-a-boo can’t see me

      People Selling Mirrors Is The Best Thing I've Ever Searched
      People Selling Mirrors Is The Best Thing I’ve Ever Searched

      8. Photo bomb? Nah Mirror bomb

      People Selling Mirrors Is The Best Thing I've Ever Searched
      People Selling Mirrors Is The Best Thing I’ve Ever Searched

      9. Am I the only one who thinks the picture in the back ground is too high up?

      People Selling Mirrors Is The Best Thing I've Ever Searched
      People Selling Mirrors Is The Best Thing I’ve Ever Searched

      10. Last but by no means least I give you clutter city

      People Selling Mirrors Is The Best Thing I've Ever Searched
      People Selling Mirrors Is The Best Thing I’ve Ever Searched

      I hope you all enjoyed my very sad new hobby, please take a look on your own Facebook marketplace or sales groups and share any pictures you find in the comments, help me build my gallery of hilarity.

      If you would like to raise awareness or share your own story on any topic please email us at mumsadviceltd@outlook.com