Welcome to Mums Advice

Tag: funny

  • Um, Original Source, Can We Talk?

    Um, Original Source… can we talk?

    I’d like to take you back to around 6.45am this morning, when I stepped into my bath, and found that my usual, rather innocuous bottle of shower gel (Waitrose essentials, Rose) had run out. A tad irritating, but fortuitously, I had a solution close to hand. A brand new, unopened bottle of your very own Mint and Tea Tree Shower Gel. My bodily cleanliness was assured once more. I breathed a sigh of relief.

    I took the Mint and Tea Tree Shower Gel and began to work it into a lather. I applied it to first one leg, then the other, and shaved them diligently. (Yes, feel free to be impressed at my commitment to body defoliation at 6.45am on a Wednesday morning. I was too.) So far, so good.

    I washed my arms and shaved underneath them. I washed my neck, breasts, stomach and back. Thus far, it had been a positively first class bathing experience.

    And then.

    AND THEN.

    Oh. Dear. God.

    MY VAGINA WAS ABLAZE.

    For a moment, I wasn’t entirely sure what had happened. Had I repeated the never to be forgotten error when I managed to apply hair removal cream which was strictly not for front bottoms to my front bottom? Had a stray spark inadvertently set light to my pubic thatch?

    BECAUSE IT FUCKING FELT LIKE IT.

    Yes, Original Source, your innocuous looking green bottle of so-called shower gel, it turns out, is an absolute fucking liability. MY FLAPS WERE ON FUCKING FIRE. I had a quick look at the ingredients list to see if it contained gasoline. It did not. There was a warning though. ‘KEEP AWAY FROM EYES.’ Keep away from eyes? KEEP AWAY FROM EYES? Frankly, my eyes were the least of my problems right now.

    I frantically scrubbed my flaps, which by now felt as though they were being ceremoniously scrubbed by ants wearing ice skates laced with chilli sauce. ‘7,929 tingling leaves’ claimed the front of the bottle. Tingling? TINGLING? This wasn’t tingling my minge. It was starting a fucking bush fire down there. (Pun entirely intended. You can thank me later.)

    Some twelve hours later, my front bottom has finally calmed down, though may well be suffering from as yet unconfirmed PTSD. My eyes have eventually stopped watering. And so, in the interests of public safety, I thought I would pen you this missive.

    May I suggest a rebranding of the front of your bottles of Mint and Tea Tree Shower Gel? Something along the lines of the following:

    ‘7,927 tingling leaves which will accost your genitalia until it screams for mercy.’

    If nothing else, it will certainly stand out on the shelf.

    Anyways, thanks for brightening up my morning. And my front bottom, which has never been so lively.

    Kisses, IKINTST xxx

    Full credit goes to>>>>

    https://www.facebook.com/iknowineedtostoptalkingblog/

     

  • hahaha my funny face

    [ad_1]

    dailyhaha funny pictures

    [ad_2]

    Source link

  • The Great Debate On Parent Parking Cleared Up

    This debate was kicked off again today.. so okay, ONE. MORE. TIME. FOR. THE. PEOPLE. AT. THE. BACK…

    Parent and child spaces don’t exist because parents are entitled/lazy. They exist so a parent can get their kid out of their car safely, without reducing the car next to them to scrap.

    And they are placed near the store because in, a civilised society, most of us agree that it’s a good thing to reduce the risk of children running around the modern busy car park like its fucking Chessington World Of Adventures.

    I realise for some this is complicated..

    ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀

    1. “Rubbish, we didn’t have parent and baby spaces back in my day… “

    ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀

    …This is an odd point of view given that, that argument can also be made for antibiotics, women’s voting rights, the combustion engine, indoor plumbing, space travel, Luther, opposable thumbs, monster munch and shoes.

    ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀

    Oh yeah, and the internet.. a place where you can share your shit opinion and have it demolished by anyone whose brain receives oxygen.

    ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀

    2. “But, in my day, we managed..”

    …I’m sure you did, when cars were fewer, cars were smaller, spaces were larger, and you could get a bottle of ginger beer and a caramac and still have half a crown left to buy some johnnies. Look, times have changed. Not least because we now have something called ‘Health and Safety’ which means Isofix, and car-seats the size of a fucking armchair.

    So you can be nostalgic for the good old days, when your children didn’t even have to wear seatbelts, but those days are gone.. It’s partly the reason why there are more of these kids making it to adulthood, actually, Barbara.

    3. “But disabled spaces are more important”.

    Yes. Of course they are. Nobody is saying otherwise. But it’s not either/or is it?

    4. “Why should those who ‘breed’ get benefits that I don’t. Whinge whinge. etc.”

    Look,.. people have all kinds of benefits that you don’t.. low blood pressure and some fucking empathy for a start.

    And.. even if you don’t have kids the chances are you were one once. It’s True. Two people in the dim past made the monumental mistake of combining their DNA and creating someone as selfish and small-minded as you. So stop being a cock about something that keeps the next generation a little bit safer and maybe, god forbid, makes someone else’s day a little bit easier. Because, it doesn’t really affect you does it, you massive dick.

    ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀

    Hope that clears that up… Now can we all just get along?

    Credit https://www.facebook.com/manversusbaby/

  • Ghost Child Playing With My Children

    I thought I’d share another epic parenting fail with you all. I’m a mother of 7 children so these unfortunate events are part of daily life.

    A few months ago I witnessed my 5yr old little girl talking to herself. Or at least I thought she was. I continued to watch her, and quickly realised she must have an imaginary friend. Aww bless her 😍

    The days go on and one tea time, I decided to up my parenting game, and offer to cook her imaginary friend a portion of spag bol too. Why not?

    “Oh mummy don’t be silly, she’s dead! She can’t eat food!”

    Holy shit on a cracker….She’s fucking what now?! (Didn’t actually say that part out loud)

    “Thanks for offering though mum 😊😊😊”

    Fuck. Fuckety fuck fuck. Do we move house? Call a priest or just be done with it and burn the place down!. I’m equipped for a lot of childlike circumstances but the adoption of fucking Casper. absolutely not.

    After I calm down, I ask my daughter some questions to try find out a little bit more about our new addition.

    With confidence and zero fear, she proceeds to tell me her friend is the same age as her. She’s a little black girl. She loves summer. She’s allowed to play during the day but at night-time she has to go home. My daughter doesnt know her name so calls her Sally. (Ok… So at least I know we can sleep easy 🙄)

    For weeks I watch my darling little psycho play with her dead friend. Sometimes my other children join in too. They can all see her which is even more terrifying. They chase each other, giggle and Love to play hide and seek.

    Then one day I noticed that her “friend” wasn’t around as much.

    Probing… I ask her where she’s gone.

    “Oh she’s not around today cos you have the blinds shut”

    Hmmmm. Thinking of all the last few months events I have a sudden brain wave and open the blinds.

    “Mummy mummy she’s here she’s here!”

    Omfg. I had spent weeks and weeks googling spirits. I watched hours of the ghost whisperer, looking up priests and dreaming about Ghost busters! For what?!….

    Sally the fucking SHADOW! 😱

    Credit Michelle M Stewart

  • Hilarious Holiday Complaints Which Will Make You Laugh

    THESE ARE ACTUAL COMPLAINTS RECEIVED BY “THOMAS COOK VACATIONS” FROM DISSATISFIED CUSTOMERS:

    1. “They should not allow topless sunbathing on the beach. It was very distracting for my husband who just wanted to relax.”

    2. “On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don’t like spicy food.”

    3. “We went on holiday to Spain and had a problem with the taxi drivers as they were all Spanish.”

    4. “We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our own swimsuits and towels. We assumed it would be included in the price.”

    5. “The beach was too sandy. We had to clean everything when we returned to our room.”

    6. “We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as white but it was more yellow.”

    7. “It’s lazy of the local shopkeepers in Puerto Vallartato close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during ‘siesta’ time — this should be banned.”

    8. “No-one told us there would be fish in the water. The children were scared.”

    9. “Although the brochure said that there was a fully equipped kitchen, there was no egg-slicer in the drawers.”

    10. “I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local convenience store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts.”

    11. “The roads were uneven and bumpy, so we could not read the local guide book during the bus ride to the resort. Because of this, we were unaware of many things that would have made our holiday more fun.”

    12. “It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England. It took the Americans only three hours to get home. This seems unfair.”

    13. “I compared the size of our one-bedroom suite to our friends’ three-bedroom and ours was significantly smaller.”

    14. “The brochure stated: ‘No hairdressers at the resort.’ We’re trainee hairdressers and we think they knew and made us wait longer for service.”

    15. “When we were in Spain, there were too many Spanish people there. The receptionist spoke Spanish, the food was Spanish. No one told us that there would be so many foreigners.”

    16. “We had to line up outside to catch the boat and there was no air-conditioning.”

    17. “It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel.”

    18. “I was bitten by a mosquito. The brochure did not mention mosquitoes.”

    19. “My fiancée and I requested twin-beds when we booked, but instead we were placed in a room with a king bed. We now hold you responsible and want to be re-reimbursed for the fact that I became pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked.”

  • Christmas Lights Warning!!!

    For Those of you who are placing Christmas lights/decorations in your garden, on your fences or anywhere near the road, can you please avoid anything that has Red or Blue flashing lights together, all of us would really appreciate it?

    Every time I come around the corner, I think it’s the police and I have a panic attack, like a full on oh holy balls I’m in the shit here.

    I have to brake hard, toss my wine out the window, hide the weed, fasten my seat belt, throw my phone on the floor, turn my radio down, and push the gun under the seat, all while trying to drive, this is obviously not safe for others, whilst trying to hide all my shit I am not concentrating on the road .

    It’s just too much drama, even for Christmas.

    Thank you for your cooperation and understanding.🎄

     

    Please don’t get butt hurt this is clearly a joke

  • Married Woman This Is For You! Trust Me You’ll Love It

    Dear Tech Support:

    Last year I upgraded from my Boyfriend 5.0 software program version to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in the overall performance, particularly in the flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as FIFA 5.0, MOTD 4.3, MLB 3.0, and NBA 3.6. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I’ve tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, to no avail.

    What can I do?

    Signed,

    Desperate

    RESPONSE FROM TECH SUPPORT FOR MEN:

    Dear Desperate:

    First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0

    is an Operating System. Try to enter the command:

    “C:/ITHOUGHTYOULOVEDME”

    to download Tears 6.2, which should automatically install Guilt 3.0. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

    But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will create Snoring Loudly. Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

    In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0

    and Lingerie 7.7.

    Good Luck,

    Tech Support

  • a funny costume

    [ad_1]

    dailyhaha funny pictures

    [ad_2]

    Source link

  • everything is funny

    [ad_1]

    dailyhaha funny pictures

    [ad_2]

    Source link

  • Attention All Parents Of School Aged Children-Must Read

    ATTENTION ALL PARENTS OF SCHOOL AGED CHILDREN….

    Are you ready…?

    • Monday will be “wear spots, stripes and stars” day. All children must wear all three shapes. Please bring £1 for this. We’re not sure why.

    • Tuesday will be “bring your mongoose to school day”. Please ensure your mongoose has been responsibly sourced and provide suitable feed.

    • Wednesday will be cookery day. On Tuesday afternoon after school, your child will bring home a list of required ingredients and resources. Please provide everything first thing Wednesday morning.

    • On Thursday we require you to come to read your child’s work at 10:15am and again at 1:30pm. You also need to attend a meeting about forthcoming residential trip at 4pm. Please be advised that you will need to provide a £250 deposit at this meeting to secure your child’s place. We have 75 places available for the year group of 150 pupils. These will be allocated on a first come first served basis.

    • On Friday, please provide your child with a costume. The theme is “space”. Use of Amazon Prime is forbidden. Children should come into school in their PE kit for their “fitness morning”; bring uniform to change into for eating lunch. They will then change into their space costume for the space themed afternoon assembly. Please sign the attached form to say that your child can watch the film “Spaced in Space” which is a PG. If you do not give permission for them to watch this, they will be sat in the library to read about space.

    • Please note all snacks must be wheat-free, dairy-free, egg-free, sugar-free, protein-free and taste-free. If your child brings in an illegal snack, they will be required to attend a “healthy eating” course.

    • Please label all uniform with name, class, address, date of birth, place of birth, NHS number and favourite colour. If you could also tattoo this onto your child, this would be very helpful.

    Thank you and ENJOY BEING BACK!!!

    Original source unknown