Category: Our stories

  • How I Met My Son-In-Law.. Funny Story

    Daughter’s Vibrator

    A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter’s bedroom.

    When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator.

    What are you doing?” she exclaimed.

    The daughter replied, “I’m 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I’ll ever get to a husband.”

    Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement.

    When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on the sofa with her vibrator.

    “What are you doing?” he exclaimed.

    The daughter replied, “I’m 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I’ll ever get to a husband.”

    A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this time in the living room.

    In there, she found her husband watching the Super Bowl on television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him.

    “What are you doing?” she exclaimed.

    He replied…………”Watching the game with my son-in-law.”

  • Daddy’s Asleep So From Midnight It’s Just You And I

    “Daddy’s Asleep”

    I love your daddy, I really do,

    After all, without daddy, I wouldn’t have you.

    So from midnight till sunrise, it’s just you and I.

    And as each hour passes, I’m not gonna lie:

    Mommy’s love slowly fades, becomes angry and weak,

    Because no matter what, your dad is f***ing asleep!

    It all starts out lovely. We kiss each other goodnight.

    We look lovingly down at you dear, such a beautiful sight.

    An hour later, mommy wakes with a start.

    You’re twisting and turning, you’re starting to fart.

    You’re gesturing for food. Mommy is there

    with a bottle or breast

    Daddy is snoring away, the way he knows best.

    Mommy burps you, and holds you and rocks you with care.

    You spew foul smelling yogurt on mommy’s freshly washed hair.

    As mommy changes her shirt, and mops vomit off the floor.

    Your daddy farts, rolls over and continues to snore.

    Mommy’s maternal alarm goes off, it’s not even three!

    You’re stirring again, you’re hungry and staring at me!

    “I think she is hungry” your daddy offers, pulls duvet over his head,

    Mommy sends him a death stare and rolls out of bed.

    Mommy comes back, tired and drained and what is this I see?

    Your daddy has taken over my side, doesn’t give a f*** about me!

    Mommy kicks him and pushes him angrily away.

    “What’s up love?” He moans in a lovingly way.

    Your daddy has no clue he is under attack.

    He wraps his arms around me and kisses my back.

    And just as my love for daddy is back on the rise,

    You start to coo in your crib and open your eyes.

    And daddy gently nudges me to attend to your need.

    I give him the finger as I prepare for a feed.

    But as the sun starts rising, the slate is wiped clear.

    I’m back to full love for your daddy and for you my dear.

    I forget that daddy sleeps while you cry and you poo.

    It’s back to kissing and hugging and doting on you.

    Soon you’ll grow up and be daddy’s little girl.

    You’ll not remember me cleaning up shit and vomit hurl.

    Whilst you sit on his lap and he sings you a song,

    You’ll love him and think daddy could do nothing wrong.

    But my sweet love, here is a poem for you to keep,

    So you know that all those long nights, dad was f***ing asleep!

    Credit Caroline Andersen

  • Normalise Breast Feeding-I Fought To Feed My Son

    In this photo my baby is 6 weeks old on the left, and 30 weeks old on the right. It’s been 6 months. Six months since I was allowed to breastfeed my son. Six months of a hard battle against CANCER, getting poisoned with chemo that tainted my breast milk and prevented me from nursing my infant son.

    Normalise Breast Feeding-I Fought To Feed My Son
    Normalise Breast Feeding-I Fought To Feed My Son

    Six months of pumping every few hours and dumping every single ounce of it all down the drain, just so I could keep my supply up, in hopes of eventually being allowed to nurse my baby again. Six months of having a dear, sweet, generous friend (Bec Nikodem) come to my house 1-2 times a week to latch my son, just so he would remember HOW to breastfeed again when I was able.

    Well, here we are, I had my last chemo session in January and it’s been 35 days post-chemo. My breast milk no longer contains any remnants of chemo in it, and last night I was able to BREASTFEED MY SON AGAIN!!!! It’s been a long road, but I wanted to share my journey publicly in hopes that it can be shared and might inspire others in some small way. 💚 God is GOOD. The power or prayer is REAL. 💚

    #normalizebreastfeeding #fcancer #breastfeeding

    **Photo credit for image on the left: @RHusbandsPhotography ** Rita Husbands

    Full credit to the amazing Nikki Heying

     

  • God Bless And Protect Our Drivers

    Father, who is this gentleman who is dead?

    I don’t know, son.

    Just know he was a truck driver.

    The young man is approaching a person with a white shirt and a very elegant pants, he was the boss of that driver, the boy grabs his hand and asks.

    Can I know what a truck driver is?

    The boss responds to a voice and his eyes full of tears

    A driver

    Is a person who sleeps less than a lot of people,

    It goes through the cold, heat, sun, rain, hunger, hours drive and endless waiting.

    And there are moments when he doesn’t have days, Christmas, new year and many other important moments,

    He’s very far away from his family.

    From their children

    From his wife

    From his parents, brothers and sisters,

    Regularly gets scolded or even beaten when they try to steal his goods…

    Go through thousands of fears…

    If he leaves for work, he doesn’t know if he’s going home.

    Or if he has to work for a few days because of the bad weather, or worse still lose his life…

    .. That’s part of what a “truck driver” is.

    Suddenly, the sound of a phone that is in the pocket of the deceased’s pants……

    The boss leaves the child for a moment to take the cell phone, he sees it’s a message from his daughter and with very low voice starts reading it

    He reads:

    (hello daddy ❤, I took the cell phone from mom

    To wish you a happy birthday, I look forward to seeing you and giving your gift because after 2 days you are not back, I look forward to cutting your cake

    Today we’re going to do it together!!

    I love you, daddy. You’re a great father.

    I send you a kiss

    I’ll wait for you at home.

    That’s the life of a “driver” unfortunately often tragic

    Regardless of his society, as a passenger or freighter…

    If you can spread the post so that people instead of criticism appreciate the effort of a driver!

    God bless and protect all drivers!

    Peace with his soul…

    Credit Ian Ewok Tyrrell

  • How To Choose The Right Baby Carrier For You-Expert Advice

    How to choose the right baby carrier for you

     

    With SO many options out there, it can be a bit overwhelming when you’re looking at baby carriers and slings (plus what if baby doesn’t even like it?!)

    Roamy Hunt is one of the UK’s most experienced Babywearing Consultants and has come along to answer some of the most frequently asked questions about using baby carriers, wraps and slings:

     

    1. How do I choose which carrier is likely to be right for me?

     

    There’s lots of ways to find out information!

    If you have a local sling library, you can go along and try out some different options there.  Most allow you to try a few on and then hire your preferred carrier for a few weeks, to see how you get on with it. 


    If you don’t have a Sling Library locally, I have over 50 instructional videos on the South East Slings YouTube Channel.  These cover all the main types and brands of baby carrier, with playlists for things like ‘newborn carriers’, ‘buckle carriers’ and all the different carrying positions.  These videos can be really helpful in seeing how a carrier does up and tightens. Things to think about while watching them:

     

    Are you someone who has good mobility or are your arm movements more restricted?  


    Do you love gadgets and the more settings and options the carrier has, the better?  

     

    Are you looking for something lightweight that will take you off on holiday to sunnier climes?

     

    Think about all the things that matter to you in a carrier – how you’re hoping to use it, who else will be using it – and think about these while watching the videos.  This will really help to narrow it down. 

     

    South East Slings then offers its awesome try-before-you-buy scheme where you get 2 weeks to use the carrier you’ve bought as much as you like, to ensure it’s right for you.  If you like it, you keep it.  If for any reason it’s not for you, you can return it within the first 2 weeks for a refund of the purchase price, minus the 2-week hire fee of £15.

     

     

    2. Should I get a carrier before baby arrives or wait until they’re here?

     

    It really depends what sort of carrier you’re looking to get.  With a stretchy wrap, many people like to purchase this while pregnant.  This means they can practice putting it on before baby arrives, so – once baby is here – they’re confident in how to use it.  Then it’s just a case of popping baby in.  Stretchy wraps fit all shapes and sizes of wearer and work from newborn – including if Mum has had a C-Section – so they can be a fantastic choice to have ready for once baby is here.

     

    If you’re looking at buckles and would like to get one before baby arrives, look for ones that are relatively unstructured; that do up around the waist rather than sitting on the hips.  The less structured a carrier is, the more it will mould to the wearer – regardless of their body shape or size.  Look out for how it can be made smaller to fit from newborn, if it’s important to you that it fits from day one.

     

    If you’re looking at a more structured buckle carrier – especially if it has a padded waist – it can be useful to wait until baby is here.  Firstly, so you can try it on properly (carriers with structured waists can’t easily be tried on over a bump).  Secondly, not all buckle carriers will work from day one.  It will depend on baby’s weight (and how long their torso is) as to whether the carrier will fit safely from newborn.  You want to ensure that baby has clear airways and is held as tightly as holding them in your arms, to ensure they can’t slump.  

    If you have a C-section, this will also affect which carriers are likely to work well from newborn, as you don’t want pressure on the scar area until it’s fully healed.  

     

     

    3. My best friend has a <insert brand of carrier>.  She loves it so that must be the right one for me too, right?

     

    Not necessarily.  Choosing a baby carrier is like choosing jeans or shoes.  The more structured and shaped the carrier is, the more the fit will depend on your own body shape.  

     

    Trying a selection at a local Sling Library can be a great way to find out if a carrier is right for you.  

     

    If you don’t have a Sling Library nearby, South East Slings’ try-before-you-buy scheme means you get 2 weeks to use the carrier you’ve bought as much as you like, to ensure it’s right for you.  If you like it, you keep it. If for any reason it’s not for you, you can return it within the first 2 weeks for a refund of the purchase price, minus the 2-week hire fee of £15.

     

     

    4. What if my baby doesn’t like the carrier?

     

    It’s very, very unusual for a baby not to ‘like’ being in a carrier.  A well fitting sling or baby carrier mimics in-arms carrying.  On the whole, babies want to be held close and cuddled.  If a baby seems unsettled in their carrier, first of all check they’ve not just filled their nappy, they’re not hungry and they’re not in that ‘I really need to sleep but I can’t figure out how’ unsettled stage just before they fall asleep. 

     

    If you can rule those out have a look at how tight the carrier is:

    Is baby held as tightly as if you were holding them in your arms?  

    An easy way to check this is to put your arms around them as if you were carrying them.  

    Do you feel you need to lift them up/pull them in closer?  

    If you do, it’s likely your carrier needs to be tighter.  If baby is held too loosely they won’t feel secure and are therefore likely to protest.

     

    Also check baby’s positioning.  Are they curled up in the position they naturally adopt when carried in arms or are they straightened out?  Giving a gentle tuck to their pelvis, to bringtheir knees above their bottom – with a gentle curve to their spine, so they’re in more of seated position – can really help to reduce any pressure on a full tummy, and so baby is supported in a comfortable, ergonomic position.

     

    5. What if I’d like more help?

     

    If you’re at all unsure about using your baby carrier, or would like more in depth help with choosing the right one for you, there are Babywearing Consultants around the UK.  If you don’t have one locally, I offer Consultations online – via Skype or Facetime – so feel free to get in touch if you’d like some in-person assistance.

     

     

    Roamy Hunt – Babywearing Consultant
    Empowering people to carry their babies safely, comfortably and confidently since 2011


    www.roamyhuntconsultancy.co.uk – Consultations, Workshops and Training

    www.southeastslings.co.uk – Retail, Hires and Try-Before-You-Buy

     

    Facebook: @southeastslings @roamyhuntconsultancy

    Instagram: @roamyhuntconsultancy @seastslings

    YouTube: @southeastslings

  • I Don’t Know How To Love The Way I Look

    I don’t know how to love the way I look.

    People say I’m negative about me but I think I’m just honest. I don’t like the way I look. My friends tell me I’m beautiful but do you really see ugly in people you care about?

    Would you ever tell someone you loved that their eyes were too small, nose too big, breasts too saggy, bum too big? I wouldn’t I don’t see any imperfections in someone I love but I see them in myself and when I’m honest about my looks and personality I’m told to shut up or to stop being negative but I don’t know how.

    I’ve always been told that I’m fat, im ugly, im dumb, im boring etc so when I’ve finally got good people I care about and who care about me with no agenda other than they like me I can’t feel better about me. I don’t feel I have someone who can help me see me in a better light or can help me learn to style my hair better or learn the elusive trick to give myself an eyeliner flick no matter how many YouTube videos I watch because I feel like my friends are bored with my attitude but I don’t know how to change it.

    I don’t have any self-confidence that got taken away from me a long time ago. I truly believe I will always be the ugly fat friend. If you have a friend like me please don’t brush off how they feel or tell them to shut up help them. Help them with clothes and make up help them to see how beautiful they really are. Help them to see that actually they are perfect. 

  • This Is Deep-Random Hook Ups The Risks

    THIS IS DEEP…

    YOU saw him on facebook

    •U check his Profile picture.

    •He Drives A Range Rover Sport 2019!!

    .He is handsome.

    •He inboxed you.

    •You reply, all excited.

    •You want 2 hook up.

    •You set a date.

    •You dress up in those Leggings With No underwear.

    •Smelling good.

    •You put on a make up – fresh breath and new weave.

    •He takes you 4 lunch

    •He Takes you for. Drinks

    •You two have a good time.

    •He rubs your hand,

    •Makes you laugh,

    •Gives you looks and smiles.

    •You stupidly fall in love.

    •It’s like you’ve known him Forever.

    •He takes you to his apartment.

    •He makes you feel comfortable and lays u on his bed.

    •Kisses you passionately.

    •You love his aggression, strength, power and you give in.

    •It feels good.

    •You know it’s wrong, but it feels good.

    •You ask for protection, he says it’s too late.

    •You obey and don’t disturb.

    •He says he loves you and you don’t hesitate to say you love him too. He hits it nice and slow

    •After, he goes to the kitchen to get a glass of water.

    •He helps you drink it, ooohh man.

    •You feel special.

    •”He must be the one” you think to yourself.

    •You get dressed.

    •He takes you to the taxi park.

    •He kisses you on the cheeks and says

    •”I had a great time,”

    •Gives You cash.

    •U smile and say.

    •”See you tomorrow babe.”

    • He stays silent.

    •Your taxi drives away,

    •In the taxi u can’t stop smiling.

    •You get home and inbox him that you got home safe.

    •He is online, but doesn’t reply.

    •It’s unlike him, so you inbox him again.

    •He doesn’t respond.

    •Minutes later you can’t find him on ur friend list.

    •HE BLOCKED YOU.

    •Days, weeks, months passes by.

    •You start feeling sick, weak, loose weight, act strange with sores in your mouth.

    •You go to the clinic.

    •Get tested.

    •Minutes later,

    •Nurse walks in.”I’m sorry. You’re HIV Positive!”

    •”.HOW ?”

    •You don’t understand.

    •Reality hits you.

    •You walk home.

    •Scared.

    •Confused.

    •You go to the bus stop.

    •You lay, hopeless, emotionless.

    •You see death coming nearer.

    •You look into the sky & mumble a prayer.

    That’s the end of you.

    Don’t be that girl !Live well. Stop Chasing Material Things. Stop chasing SPONSORS!!

    Be A Girl You Want Your Daughter To Be!

    TO ALL THE LADIES.

    LIVE A LIFE

    NOT A LIE.

  • Sex Scenes On Tv Don’t Happen Like That In Real Life

    When you watch sex scenes on tv. Is it me that thinks, “It does not even happen like that? ” “Is this even sex?”

    They have sex instantly,. Then roll over cuddling and fall asleep. Errrmmmm? No sorry, Who the hell does that?.

    I am sure this is the right way.

    Sometimes it takes 25 minutes to even get hard. I’m literally walking around the house smacking the dick across things to get the blood in. Tv’s, The cooker, The dog. Then when we’re good to go it’s still not straight forward. Theres the moving around positions, Getting feet stuck in blankets and falling over. Headbutting each other trying to be sexy. Picking your partner up and falling off the bed. Then the dick falls out and you try put it back in and you hit the brown bum hole. She thinks it was an accident when in reality the man wants to see if she’s willing to go a bit further.

    Half way through you need to stop and have a water break. Grab that pop from the side of the bed then whack it back in. Then you both pull the most ridiculous cum faces and flop off each other. Now in films they cuddle and go to sleep. No no. What about the cum run. Women running across the landing like there vaginas falling out and they are trying to catch it. Then when they sit on the toilet you hear the good old fanny fart and cum explosion into the toilet. While the mans laying there with spermicide still coming out his willy and flicking it off.

    Then when its bed time you both try to get comfy and always find sperm getting somewhere it should not have. Like your ears or ankles or in between your toes.

    Tvs need to actually watch sex.. I mean it can be quite stressful.

  • Brexit Explained The Easy Way

    Simple now I understand It!!!! Waited nearly 3 years for this.

    BREXIT EXPLAINED!

    This will make the Brexit arrangements so much clearer!

    Mr Britain is at the golf club returning his locker key when Mr Barnier, the membership secretary sees him.

    Hello Mr Britain”, says Mr Barnier. “I’m sorry to hear you are no longer renewing your club membership,if you would like to come to my office we can settle your account

    “I have settled my bar bill” says Mr Britain

    Ah yes Mr Britain”, says Mr Barnier, “but there are other matters that need settlement”

    In Mr Barniers office Mr Britain explains that he has settled his bar bill so wonders what else he can possibly owe the Golf Club?

    “Well Mr Britain” begins Mr Barnier, “you did agree to buy one of our Club Jackets”.

    Yes” agrees Mr Britain “I did agree to buy a jacket but I haven’t received it yet”. As soon as you supply the jacket I will send you a cheque for the full amount”.

    That will not be possible” explains Mr Barnier. “As you are no longer a club member you will not be entitled to buy one of our jackets”!

    “But you still want me to pay for it” exclaims Mr Britain.

    “Yes” says Mr Barnier, “That will be £500 for the jacket”.

    “There is also your bar bill”.

    “But I’ve already settled my bar bill”. says Mr Britain.

    “Yes” says Mr Barnier, “but as you can appreciate, we need to place our orders from the Brewery in advance to ensure our bar is properly stocked. You regularly used to spend at least £50 a week in the bar so we have placed orders with the brewery accordingly for the coming year. You therefore owe us £2600 for the year”.

    “Will you still allow me to have these drinks?” asks Mr Britain

    “No of course not Mr Britain “. “You are no longer a club member!” says Mr Barnier. “Next is your restaurant bill” continues Mr Barnier.

    “In the same manner we have to make arrangements in advance with our catering suppliers. Your average restaurant bill was in the order of £300 a month, so we’ll require payment of £3600 for the next year”.

    “ I don’t suppose you’ll be letting me have these meals either?” asks Mr Britain

    “No, of course not,” says an irritated Mr Barnier, “you are no longer a club member!”

    “Then of course,” Mr Barnier continues, “there are repairs to the clubhouse roof”.

    Clubhouse roof!” exclaims Mr Britain, “What’s that got to do with me?”

    “Well it still needs to be repaired and the builders are coming in next week, your share of the bill is £2000″.

    “I see,” says Mr Britain, “anything else?”

    Now you mention it,” says Mr Barnier, “there is Fred the Barman’s pension”. We would like you to pay £5 a week towards Fred’s pension when he retires next month”. “He’s not well you know so I doubt we’ll need to ask you for payment for longer than about five years, so £1300 should do it. This brings your total bill to £10,000” says Mr Barnier.

    “Let me get this straight,” says Mr Britain, “you want me to pay £500 for a jacket you won’t let me have, £2600 for beverages you won’t let me drink and £3600 for food you won’t let me eat, all under a roof I won’t be allowed under and not served by a bloke who’s going to retire next month!”

    “Yes, it’s all perfectly clear and quite reasonable” says Mr Barnier.

    “Piss off!” says Mr Britain

    And that, my friends, is how Brexit works…

    WE OWE NOTHING!

  • Breast Milk May Reduce Stretch Marks

    Been trying a little experiment for the last 2 weeks. Been putting breastmilk on one side of my stomach. I can’t believe the difference!! For any moms out there breast feeding put a little on those tiger stripes lol (For moms asking) I rub it into my tummy while nursing and lather it on so it’s almost dripping off.

    I let it air dry and just pull my shirt over after. I put it on every time I nurse. Been doing it for about 3 weeks now. My baby is now 2 months old. I noticed a big difference not just on colouring but also in-depth of my stretch marks.

    I posted this after my mom convinced me too share with other moms. I cannot promise it will work 100% for everyone but it definitely helps

    .(update)  I know a lot of people think this is fake but it honestly is not. I am on day 6 of starting on other side of my tummy. They have gone from dark red to light red now. Starting to get light purple on edges. Like I said before it’s not just the lightning up that is amazing but also it helps with the depth if marks. I am not Trying to deceive anyone or trying to get likes or shares. I am truly just trying to inform other moms . There’s is nothing wrong with stretch marks but it is nice to know they can fade faster.

    Full credit Chantelle Clarke