HAILEY:
Sometimes I cant get the sounds out of my head… of me crying begging for my life, his fist slamming into my face and crushing my bones or the haunting calmness that ran through his voice. Each time his fist pounded my face I felt a part of my soul leaving my body. I can remember the feeling of blood running down from my face and onto my neck and into my hair. My eyes were swollen shut and I had towel over my head to keep hidden. I wanted to give up, I was just to tired.
I was dying.
A trip to Colorado that had been in the works for months was where it all started. Roman and I had been dating for 6 months and a few weeks beforehand we had found out we were expecting. My entire family and friends loved him. He was perfect, charming, and such an “old school” type of guy every girl dreams of. I could not wait to share it with my friends and for them to meet Roman. We stayed at our 1st stop with a few of my friends in Denver and then headed towards Fort Collins the next day. Roman and I had fought the entire ride there and he had mentioned to me at one point that he “wanted [me] to see the worst and see if [I] can handle it.” Now looking back I feel like I should have let that soak in before rolling my eyes and shrugging it off but we don’t always see our own red flags when we are manipulated and deceived…
The 2nd night at Fort Collins, I still can’t seem to fully understand how the love of my life and father of my unborn child was hiding such a crooked soul…. I walked upstairs in my panties to get my dog Scooby, everyone was already sleep but Roman and I so I did not think it was a big deal, but it was a trigger for him apparently. *Edit** (We were down in the basement on the opppsite side of the house from the people sleeping. FBI did hearing tests and confirmes nothing could have been heard.)
He became angry, yelling, cussing, and I told him that when he was ready he could talk to me like a normal human being. About 5 seconds later he was standing over me, pouring beer down onto my face, grabbed me by throat and threw me down onto the floor/up against the wall and choked me out.
I woke up to Roman on top of me. I couldn’t collect my thoughts quick enough to realize what had just happened. I remember just looking up at him, at the tranquility that seemed to take over his body and in his face. He was just staring at me, observing his work. He was, I believe, doing it out of admiration.
The beating and torture lasted for about 6 hours or more. It was hard to tell… it felt like a lifetime. I was out of conscious from him choking me out, wailing on my face with his fist, shoes, and at one point my own phone. It was a repetitive never ending sequence of being strangled, beaten, raped, and at one point he told me he wanted to die by his hand and that he wanted to cut my teeth out with his dull pocket knife.
When he raped me both times, he let me know he wanted to have sex. He wanted to have sex with me while I was in and out of conscious, black and blue, eyes swollen shut and at that point drenched in blood. He enjoyed himself and he didnt even have the decency to turn me around. No. Instead he faced me and was looking down at me. Its so strange to think that during all of this he told me he was going to propose to me during our vacation. Why? How? How could we go from that to this?
At some point… I lost control over my body. My legs were shaking violently and I couldnt stop them. It seemed to anger him and I was too weak to care anymore. There is no way to truly describe what I was feeling after all of this started. I have never felt so lifeless and out of control. I have never lost complete hope but I did that night.
He told me that he wanted to make sure that no one knew who I was or no one could love me. He stressed to me that he wanted to cut out my intestines and pull them out because it was the worst type of death he has ever seen.
It ended after several hours of me passing in and out.
I remember feeling each blow to my face, his hands around my neck, pushing inside of me while he enjoyed himself.. the sounds of him moaning…its too hard to forget.
I couldnt move by the end of it. I couldnt lift my head nor move my legs. He wanted me to get up and pack my things and help him clean all of my blood from the walls, floor, bed, and the ceiling. I of course was unable to so he tried to himself. He missed a bunch of blood and the mattress was soaked so he was forced to throw a sheet over it to try to hide it. He threw a towel over my head and carried me to the car and took me a few hours away into New Mexico. Crossing state lines becoming an FBI issue.
Once we were at a motel I was in and out of conscious for a while. I just kept beginning for him to call an ambulance. He finally did and then slit his throat. I couldn’t see him doing it but I could hear his dull knife cutting into his skin and the blood squirting out and hitting the wall and floor. I was terrified that he might have lied about making the call and that I would die in this motel room with him, I think it would have been worse than anything to have my life slip away in his hands next to him.
I cannot thank the EMT’s enough that rushed in to save me. The moment I heard their voices everything else, the pain, my fear, Roman…. just faded away. They were my heros. I felt myself let go. If i was going to die, I could do it in peace knowing I was no longer in Romans hands.
Roman was brought in under custody to have emergency surgery and survived. After 2 days they took him in. Trial has been officially set and I am not sure what will happen to worthless human being. But I do, in certain moments, have to stop myself from feeling bad for him and his family. I have to remember that this was not the first time (I found out afterwards) that he had done this to a girlfriend. His family didnt try to warn me.
The only thing I could do is ask for my dad during my care flight and transfer to the trauma unit. When I finally heard him on the phone…. when I heard him tell me “I am on my way to you”… It was the most precious and meaningful words I have ever felt, a mixture of excitement and an overabundance of the desire to have his comfort overcame me. I knew I could hold on because of him. He really his my rock. Dad. I love you.
He spent fathers day with me there and it was the first day I could open my eyes and see him.
My family was there and my friends came to see me. Everyone was so supportive and caring. The nurses and doctors I met, I owe so much too. Nurse Brandi and Nurse Julia, I love yall.
My hair was so matted in dried up blood, the nurses tried their best to clean it and brush it out but was not successful. We were able to get a hair stylist to the hospital and into the trauma unit and she took care of me. She stayed for hours doing her best to make sure to leave as much hair has possible. My long hair was now so short it barley fit into a pony tail. It was just one more thing Roman was able to destroy.
My kidney levels were very low, I had to get blood transfusions, poked and prodded every day. I was going to go home to get surgery on my detached retina but ended up developing pneumonia (I had my surgery but still blind in my left eye). I had several bone fractures in my face, busted ear drums, and much more. On my 3rd day is when I had my miscarriage. My beautiful baby boy, Liam Moore. (I just received his ashes last week so now he is finally home❤).
Things have been different. I live a new life. Moved from my home, healing is still in the works and I am thriving. I used to think Roman won. I used to believe that because of all of these struggles that I dealt with and continue to deal with while he gets to be protected in a jail cell meant he was still control. He made me want to hate myself for a while and I knew it’s what he wanted.
I am way to stubborn for that. He should know better than that. Im sassy enough to out weigh this negativity. I am way to strong to allow such a weak little coward destroy me. He is nothing. I am everything. The smile I showcase, my family that embraces me and the friends that surround me. The life, MY LIFE, that I will continue to be thankful for everyday is no longer in his control. He did not win.
Against his wishes, I am a survivor and he can’t take that from me.
Hailey Moore