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One afternoon, I stumbled upon my 70-year-old father giggling away with my 7-year-old son as they watched the Cars animated film. At first, I paused, my heart warming. But what started as a sweet moment soon stirred something unexpected in me. As much as I hate to admit it, I felt a little … jealous.
As they reveled in Lightning McQueen’s antics, the little girl inside me asked: Why didn’t I get this version of my father when I was growing up?
Always preoccupied with work in his younger days, my father believed any spare time was better spent on practical pursuits—reading the news, managing finances, or discussing “real-world” matters with adults. Cartoons were certainly never part of the list of activities worth engaging in. Now, he enthusiastically discusses the SpongeBob SquarePants movie plotline with my kids and lets them climb all over him like he’s a jungle gym.
I’m not the only one who’s witnessed their parents go from strict authoritarian to doting grandparent. From building Legos to the usual father-son bonding activities, Anthony (names of my parent interviewees have been changed) easily listed the tender moments he’s witnessed between his parents and two children, which he missed out on as a child. “Seeing them with their grandkids—it’s so funny to see them so relaxed and easygoing. That was not my childhood,” he recalls of his Vietnamese immigrant parents. He described the moment his toddler daughter ran to his mother for the first time. Without hesitation, she wrapped her arms around her granddaughter, with pure joy radiating from her face. Witnessing that kind of emotion and open expression of love from his parents was rare growing up. “I can’t remember [a] time I felt that sort of embrace from them in my … younger days.”
While all the parents I spoke to love that their children get this softer side of their grandparents, it also left some of us questioning how someone can turn into a completely different person with age and the addition of a few (admittedly) adorable little humans into the family. It turns out that when parents enter the grandparenting phase of their lives, it profoundly changes their role in the family and how they engage with younger generations.
“As parents, we have the primary responsibility for raising our kids, making sure they grow into responsible and well-adjusted adults,” says Christian Bumpous, a marriage and family therapist based in Nashville, Tennessee. “That means having to set and enforce the rules and having to make tough decisions. But then once you’re a grandparent, that role shifts.” No longer primary caregivers or disciplinarians, they can embrace more relaxed roles—like playmates, supporters, and trusted confidants.
This role shift also reduces daily stress levels, changing the energy they bring to the grandparent-grandchild dynamic. Bumpous explains that the constant balancing act of parenthood—work, chores, and discipline—often makes moms and dads stricter simply because they’re trying to manage so many things simultaneously. Many of these pressures would have eased by the time they become grandparents. “There’s more space, and things feel more expansive, allowing them to be more patient, allowing them to have more time to themselves, which makes it easier to show up for their grandkids,” says Saba Harouni Lurie, a marriage and family therapist based in California.
Then, there’s also the wisdom that comes with age. Having lived through life and raised kids of their own, grandparents have the benefit of hindsight. Many things that once felt critical—like maintaining a spotless living room or enforcing every little rule—no longer seem as important. “They’ve seen what really matters in the long run. And because of that, they tend to let go of the smaller battles and focus more on connection and enjoyment with their grandkids,” explains Bumpous.
Felicia saw this change of perspective firsthand with her father. Once holding a high-stress position as a trial lawyer, he often brought home the anxieties of work. His patience was depleted by the end of most days. “When we were little, and we would build blocks … he used to get really frustrated when we would knock the towers down. But, you know, that was the best part,” she says. Over time, self-reflection helped him learn to let go of minor frustrations like these, completely transforming the way he interacts with Felicia’s four children. “There are so many times when we’re together, when he’ll stop and say: ‘When you were little, I would have hated that, but I can do it now.’ ”
All these possible reasons behind my own dad’s transformation made complete sense to me. But it wasn’t enough to stop the emotions. Watching the parental affection I once longed for being given so freely to someone else (even when that someone was my own child) still brought up pangs of jealousy. Then come the other emotions—like guilt. I wondered if I was a horrible parent for feeling jealous of my son. For other people in my position, there can also be feelings of grief for lost moments in childhood that can never be reclaimed.
Some of these feelings were familiar to Melissa, a mother of two in Los Angeles. Her once-busy parents, who rarely attended her childhood performances, now never miss a recital or school event for her children. While she’s grateful for their presence in her kids’ lives, she also mourns what she and her brother missed out on. “It … brings up a lot of grief for me,” she said. “There’s a lot that I wish that they could have been available to give us when we were growing up. And I feel a lot for my child self.”
Anthony experienced something similar—but with less grief. It was more a feeling of wonder and longing. As his busy parents struggled to make ends meet when he was young, working 16 to 18 hours a day, he often felt like he was navigating life alone. Seeing them as more engaged grandparents, he wonders how he might have grown differently with their guidance. “I think about how my own personal growth would have been had my parents tried to unlock some of these milestones with me as a young kid,” he says.
When it comes to processing complicated feelings like these, Lurie, the marriage and family therapist, emphasizes honesty—without self-judgment. “Let yourself feel anything that’s there without guilt, without trying to put a positive spin on it. … Have compassion for yourself as you were sitting in this grief,” she says. These feelings are signals of an unmet need in childhood, and “you may also have compassion for your parents, and that can be really helpful. But start with you.”
Bumpous also says acknowledging these feelings is crucial because it honors the reality of your past experience. Even if your parents’ behavior has changed, it doesn’t cancel out what happened or how you felt about it. “Just because they’re different now, doesn’t mean that what happened … wasn’t real, and that those feelings that it’s bringing back aren’t real or valid,” he says.
I was also relieved to know that I’m not a horrible parent for feeling jealous of what my children share with their grandparents. “The truth is that jealousy isn’t really about that child. It’s about a part of you that didn’t get what you needed at the time. And that’s not your fault. Instead of beating yourself up for feeling that way, try just to see that as a signal,” says Bumpous.
Dealing with this issue relationally can be a little trickier. Bumpous suggests proceeding with caution and being intentional when discussing the topic with parents. “Seeking the conversation can be really helpful and promote healing, [but] sometimes it’s not,” he says.
Before diving in, first consider: What’s your current relationship like with them? “Some parents have incredible … emotional maturity that has developed over the course of their lives,” says Lurie. “And now that they are in this position of being older and hopefully wiser, they can make space to have these hard conversations and acknowledge with you that they may have fallen short.” If you sense that your parents aren’t going to be emotionally available to understand your experience, it might be best to manage this without confronting them about it. “Trying to approach them in hopes that they’re going to show up now may lead to even more disappointment,” Lurie said.
Another question worth reflecting on is: What am I hoping to get out of this conversation? If you aim to have more mutual understanding and foster a moment of connection, having an open dialogue might be worthwhile. However, if the goal is simply to voice frustrations without expecting any actual resolution, Bumpous suggests it may be more helpful to process those emotions in other ways—whether through self-reflection, journaling, confiding in a trusted friend, or seeking help from a therapist.
Several of the parents I spoke to found peace with the past by viewing their parents’ transformation with understanding and grace. “Forgiveness is so important. As a parent, I know that I have faults. I know that I will look back and think I could have done a better job. Heck, I see the difference in who I am to my last daughter versus my first. We all deserve a little grace,” says Felicia.
I’ll be honest. Watching the more playful side of my father still sometimes tugs at something deep inside me. But what’s changed is that I’ve accepted that the longing for a different past might always be there. At the same time, I now see him as a parent who’s grown, softened, and—like all of us—is still learning. So, these days, I’ve stopped watching from the sidelines. I make it a point to sometimes forget about the rules, laugh together at cartoons, build pillow forts, and just play with my kids—and my dad.
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