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Tag: anxiety

  • Have You Heard Of Post-Partum Anxiety

    I saw a doctor a few months back.

    I have a hard time looking people in the eyes, I talk too fast, I think I give myself away. I pretend its okay, but I’m drowning. Has that ever happened to you?

    I saw my doctor for Post-Partum Anxiety.

    I mourn things in my mind, before they ever even go. It’s crazy, I know, so I try to talk myself out of it and remind myself that we are still alive.

    But, most days, I’m scared. To even go to the local supermarket. Everything has a new meaning now- is the person in front of me distracted or drunk? Will today be the last time I see her? Last time I strap her into her car seat?

    But the thing is, you never know the last time is the last time, until it’s over.

    So, I memorize like a mad woman. The way everything looks giant in her hands or the way her pigtails and teeth are lopsided. Just in case.

    It seems unbearable this intense love I have for her, and what would happen if I lost her? Or him? I hear a story of a mother loosing her child, and I get sick. For days. And then I’m all screwed up in my head again.

    It’s like a sick joke; going through life so naive, but not knowing it until you know it. You know? Its violating. Not realizing the fragility or pricelessness of a beating heart, until its outside of you.

    Like that time I walked through a spider’s web and just kept skipping along. It wasn’t until I was back in the house that I realized I had been carrying the biggest spider I’d ever seen, right there on my shoulder. Something about that’s always stuck How you can think its one way, but really you haven’t got a clue. Like giving birth- nothing could’ve prepared me to know what I was going to know when I watched her take her very first breath.

    Once you’ve carried life, you somehow understand its counterpart -death- so very intimately.

    Post-Partum Anxiety.

    I don’t, I won’t, I can’t think it’s too ugly.

  • Mental Illness Affects My Relationships

    I suffer from depression and anxiety. My anxiety is usually spurred on by a ‘dark’ mood. Let me start by saying, I don’t have suicidal thoughts, I never have & I hopefully never will. My depression takes me to other places. Simple things like relationships and friendships become so trivial, so complicated.

    In my brain it doesn’t sit right, something seems different. I notice little differences that ‘normal’ people wouldn’t notice.

    That comment you didn’t tag me in, but you tagged other people? I saw that, why didn’t you tag me? What’s up with me?

    You read that message, I saw you did, but you didn’t reply.. why didn’t you reply? Have I done something to upset you?

    You didn’t say I love you on the phone.. do you not love me anymore? Do you love someone else instead?

    They just made a comment about me. Was it a joke? Was I supposed to laugh? Or do they mean it? Are they being nice? Are they talking about me? Do they talk about me? I bet they hate me.

    Am I doing this right? Is this what a mum should do? What if this is wrong. Oh god. What if someone reports me. What if they take my kids. Should I hide? Should I leave. I’m a bad mum. I can’t do this.

    Am I good enough? Should I just run away and hide?

    And for all those questions I will spend hours trying to answer. Let it all build up in my mind, until it sends me to tears…… it’s mental that isn’t it. That I see things that way. Some call it psycho but what it really is.. is a mental illness.

    It’s not only mental changes, but physical changes. I eat a lot, mainly rubbish, because I need it now and I need the energy from lack of sleep. Insomnia, up all night answering questions to situations that don’t even exists.

    I know when I start to feel this way or think this way, I need help.

    I know that when my behaviour starts to change, I need guidance.

    And I understand that I don’t need to be ashamed. I don’t need to be understood. I just need to be accepted. Everyone is fighting a battle and sometimes you need to be kinder.

    Don’t suffer in silence.

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  • PND Had A Grip On Me

    How having a baby changed my world From my perspective
    Before pregnancy:

    • Nurse
    • Partner
    • Friend

    Avid gym goer

    • Happy

    Able to sleep
    After child :

    I lost all of the above. Except my partner, he was still there. And by god am I glad of it. He makes me carry on when I want to roll over and let my post natal depression take over

    I could no longer go to work (maternity leave), arranging childcare was an absolute nightmare so I lost my status of friend for the most part, could no longer go to the gym as again childcare constraints (HELLO WEIGHT GAIN)

    Depressed, anxious, fearful, paranoid
    Post natal depression had got its hold on me, and by god what a grip it had!

    I lost who I was, I was no longer the nurse, partner, friend or avid gym goer anymore

    Instead, I was “mum” I had lost everything I worked hard for, for one word “mum”
    Now, don’t get me wrong being a mum is fantastic. Amazing. Beautiful

    But hard. Oh so hard. Battling with a crying baby, battling with post natal depression and every side effect that came along with it.

    But I feel like I lost my identity. I couldn’t identify who I was anymore

    My life now revolves around this child…

    I need to teach this child EVERYTHING.. shit, that is a massive expectation! I need to know all the answers, like mums do, I need to become a grown up, I need to be a role model, a friend, a saviour and a discipliner like all other mums.

    So while “mum” may just be one word.. the expectation that comes with it is sooooo much bigger
    I love my kids more than anything in this world, and I will do my damned hardest to keep them out of harms way. I now ADORE being “mum” and realised it’s not as bad as it first seemed.

    PND is a nasty evil illness, but with the right support, help and mental attitude YOU can overcome it

  • How Do I Tell My Child He’s Not Wanted

    How do you explain to an 8 year old that his dad who has supposedly loved him, raised him, played with him and been his role model that he has a new family, a new baby on the way and now my son isn’t welcome.

    How do you explain he won’t be there on his birthday?

    His Fathers day card won’t be received

    His Dad has said he doesn’t want him and never wants to hear from him again.

    This is what I had to do last year the most heart breaking conversation i have ever had.

    Seeing my sons heart break even though i was tactful with my words i reassured him I loved him more than life it’s self.

    My son hasn’t seen his dad for over a year and you know what my boy has come through it he realises his dad is missing out not the other way round.

    I do not bad mouth his father to my son, and i hope one day his dad sees sense and reconnects with our child, but for now i’m raising my son to be a kind,smart and brave man.

    For all you single mums out there whose childs father is still wanting to be in their kids life, don’t bad mouth them (in ears reach of your child) don’t make impossible demands of them, I won’t tell you to be grateful just thankful that you had a relationship with a man who stands up and accepts his responsibilities.

    Mums and dads who have no other parental support be proud, be strong, you stood up when your ex sat down.