“Hi. Sorry I haven’t texted you back. I̶’̶v̶e̶ ̶b̶e̶e̶n̶ ̶a̶n̶x̶i̶o̶u̶s̶ ̶a̶n̶d̶ ̶d̶e̶p̶r̶e̶s̶s̶e̶d̶.
I haven’t had time to catch my breath, you know how life gets. I̶ ̶a̶m̶ ̶s̶o̶ ̶d̶r̶a̶i̶n̶e̶d̶ ̶I̶ ̶c̶a̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶v̶e̶n̶ ̶c̶o̶l̶l̶e̶c̶t̶ ̶t̶h̶e̶ ̶e̶n̶e̶r̶g̶y̶ ̶f̶o̶r̶ ̶t̶h̶e̶ ̶m̶o̶s̶t̶ ̶m̶e̶n̶i̶a̶l̶ ̶o̶f̶ ̶t̶a̶s̶k̶s̶,̶ ̶l̶i̶k̶e̶ ̶t̶e̶x̶t̶i̶n̶g̶ ̶y̶o̶u̶ ̶b̶a̶c̶k̶ ̶o̶r̶ ̶w̶a̶s̶h̶i̶n̶g̶ ̶t̶h̶e̶ ̶o̶n̶e̶ ̶d̶i̶s̶h̶ ̶i̶n̶ ̶t̶h̶e̶ ̶s̶i̶n̶k̶.̶
The weather has been beautiful right? Y̶e̶s̶t̶e̶r̶d̶a̶y̶ ̶I̶ ̶f̶o̶u̶g̶h̶t̶ ̶o̶f̶f̶ ̶a̶ ̶p̶a̶n̶i̶c̶ ̶a̶t̶t̶a̶c̶k̶ ̶w̶h̶i̶l̶e̶ ̶I̶ ̶w̶a̶s̶ ̶d̶r̶i̶v̶i̶n̶g̶.̶ ̶I̶ ̶h̶a̶d̶ ̶t̶o̶ ̶p̶u̶l̶l̶ ̶o̶v̶e̶r̶ ̶b̶e̶c̶a̶u̶s̶e̶ ̶m̶y̶ ̶v̶i̶s̶i̶o̶n̶ ̶w̶a̶s̶ ̶b̶l̶u̶r̶r̶e̶d̶.̶ ̶I̶ ̶f̶o̶c̶u̶s̶e̶d̶ ̶o̶n̶ ̶h̶o̶w̶ ̶b̶l̶u̶e̶ ̶t̶h̶e̶ ̶s̶k̶y̶ ̶w̶a̶s̶.̶ ̶I̶ ̶h̶a̶v̶e̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶w̶a̶s̶h̶e̶d̶ ̶m̶y̶ ̶h̶a̶i̶r̶ ̶i̶n̶ ̶t̶h̶r̶e̶e̶ ̶d̶a̶y̶s̶.̶ ̶I̶ ̶j̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶w̶a̶n̶t̶ ̶t̶o̶ ̶s̶l̶e̶e̶p̶ ̶a̶l̶l̶ ̶t̶h̶e̶ ̶t̶i̶m̶e̶,̶ ̶b̶u̶t̶ ̶i̶f̶ ̶I̶ ̶t̶o̶l̶d̶ ̶y̶o̶u̶,̶ ̶y̶o̶u̶ ̶w̶o̶u̶l̶d̶ ̶w̶a̶n̶t̶ ̶t̶o̶ ̶u̶n̶c̶o̶v̶e̶r̶ ̶a̶ ̶r̶e̶a̶s̶o̶n̶ ̶b̶e̶h̶i̶n̶d̶ ̶a̶l̶l̶ ̶o̶f̶ ̶t̶h̶i̶s̶,̶ ̶a̶n̶d̶ ̶t̶h̶e̶r̶e̶ ̶i̶s̶ ̶n̶o̶ ̶t̶a̶n̶g̶i̶b̶l̶e̶ ̶r̶e̶a̶s̶o̶n̶ ̶y̶o̶u̶ ̶w̶o̶u̶l̶d̶ ̶a̶c̶c̶e̶p̶t̶ ̶a̶s̶ ̶v̶a̶l̶i̶d̶.̶
How are you? I hope well. Let’s get dinner soon!”
—instagram.com/thealiciacook
artwork by instagram.com/nightmerss
You got this mama! Stay strong 💪🏼
Credit. https://www.facebook.com/hdosss
Hey, you.
Take your freaking pill.
(Your anti depressant. Your SSRI. Your anti anxiety med.)
You know, whatever pill you cringe at the thought of having to take?
Yeah. That one.
Take it, please.
You deserve to be healthy.
You deserve to feel sunshine.
You deserve joy.
You deserve a brain that doesn’t beat you up.
And yes, I know it’s kind of a pain.
I also know some days you might feel strong enough to do without it.
But that little pill isn’t for the good days, my dear.
And don’t you remember the bad days?
Those days when the storm clouds come rolling in.
When energy leaks out of your body like someone pulled the drain.
When brushing your teeth feels like a marathon and sunshine is offensive and even the most joyful noises of your household sounds like a million bees in your head…
I remember those days.
And that’s why I take the pill.
One day at a time, one refill at a time, one season at a time, I take the pill.
You see, sometimes sunshine tastes like sour chalk and has to be washed down with water.
Sometimes God’s biggest miracles come in little orange bottles.
Sometimes your very salvation is written on a prescription pad, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that.
Fight the good fight with me. Stay in the sunshine. Vulnerability is courageous as hell, and it takes so much courage to admit you need this.
Warrior on, my friend. You aren’t alone.
Take your freaking pill.
I’m sure as heck taking mine.
I’m the mom who sits alone at play places, but doesn’t want to. But anxiety makes me that way.
I’m the mom who won’t come up and talk to you first at our kids school, because my brain has convinced me that you don’t want to hear from me.
I’m the mom that sits by myself while my kids play at play places, listening to other moms talk. Agreeing with what they’re saying, even wanting to join in on the conversation. But I won’t. Because my brain tells me you don’t want me to. Or what I would say, would be weird to you.
I’m the mom who when my child asks me to talk to their friends mom at school, so they can have a play date, I will make excuses as to why I can’t.
I’m the mom who want to go out more way more with my four year old, but my fear of him having a tantrum that I can’t control, takes over.
I’m the mom who wants to be the PAC mom at school, who is friends with all the other moms. But I can barely muster up a “hello good morning!” to you.
I’m the mom who wants to volunteer in my kids class for hot lunch day, for field trips, and all that fun stuff. But my mind reminds me about the room full of strangers I would have to introduce myself to.
I’m the mom who’s trying.
I’m the mom with anxiety.
Follow me, the anxious momma, on instagram 🤣 https://www.facebook.com/caitlin.fladager
Anxiety isn’t just chest pains, crying, and the inability to relax.
It’s biting your nails until they bleed, then picking off the skin on your fingers once you’re out of nails to bite.
It’s driving to the store only to sit in the parking lot for 20 minutes before turning back around, without even going inside.
It’s getting a text message and forgetting to respond promptly, so instead of responding explaining you were busy, you leave the notification there for days, weeks, even months, getting a knot in your stomach every time you scroll past it or every time that person’s name comes up.
It’s hearing a noise and planning in your mind where you’ll hide, what doors you’ll lock, and how you’ll secretly call for help if someone broke into your house.
It’s asking your partner several times a day if they love you, partially kidding, but mostly needing to hear it because you find it so hard to love yourself in that moment.
It’s putting off washing the dishes until there’s no dishes left, but then feeling overwhelmed by how many dishes there are to wash, so you just leave them another day.
It’s understanding that what you’re worrying about is often irrational and not as extreme as your reaction warrants, but not being able to control your response. Often times, it even means you CAN’T understand that what you’re worrying about is irrational or not as extreme as your reaction warrants.
Anxiety isn’t just chest pains, crying, and the inability to relax. It’s taking everyday parts of life and intensifying the excitement or fear they result in times a thousand, to the point that they seem impossible to face. Some days are more manageable than others, and it’s on those days I try to remind myself that I CAN get through whatever anxiety throws my way.
It’s hard for me to share this and a little embarrassing to include this picture, but if even one person finds comfort in knowing they’re not alone in this, then I’m going to push past my comfort zones to do that. Feel free to share with family and friends let’s help one another.
Anxiety is more than just worrying.
Anxiety is the restless nights of sleep, as you toss and turn. It’s your brain never being able to shut off. It’s the thoughts you over-think before bedtime and all of your worst fears become a reality in dreams and nightmares.
It’s waking up tired even though your day just started.
Anxiety is learning how to function with sleep deprivation because it took you until 2 am to shut your eyes.
It’s every text you wonder ‘how do I word this properly?’ It’s a double or triple text in case you messed up. Anxiety is answering texts embarrassingly fast.
Anxiety is the time you spend waiting for an answer as a scenario plays out in your mind of what they could be thinking or are they mad?
Anxiety is an unanswered text that kills you inside even though you tell yourself, ‘maybe they’re busy or will answer later.’ Anxiety is that critical voice that says ‘maybe they’re deliberately ignoring you.’ It’s believing every negative scenario you can come up with.
Anxiety is waiting. It always feels like you’re waiting. It’s the inaccurate conclusions drawn as your mind takes off and you have no choice but to follow it’s destructive lead.
Anxiety is apologizing for things that don’t even require the words, ‘I’m sorry.’
Anxiety is self-doubt and a lack of confidence both in you, yourself and those around you. Anxiety is being hyper aware of everyone and everything. So much so, you can tell if there’s a shift in someone merely by their tone or word choice.
Anxiety is ruining relationships before they even begin. It tells you, ‘you’re wrong, they don’t like you, they’re going to leave.’ Then you jump to conclusions.
Anxiety is a constant state of worrying and panicking and being on the edge. It’s irrational fears. It’s thinking too much, it’s caring too much. Because the root of people with anxiety is caring.
It’s sweaty palms and a racing heart. But on the outside, no one can see it. You appear calm and at ease and smiling but underneath is anything but that. Anxiety is the art of deception for people who don’t know you. And for the people who do, it’s a constant stream of phrases like, ‘don’t worry’ or ‘you’re overthinking this’ or ‘relax.’ It’s friends listening to these conclusions you’ve drawn and not really understanding how you got there. But they’re there trying to support you, as things go from bad to worse in your mind.
Anxiety is wanting to fix something that isn’t even a problem.
It’s the stream of questions that make you doubt yourself.
Did I lock the door before I left?’
Did I turn off the stove?
Is the straightener still on?
It’s turning back around just to double check.
Anxiety is the uneasiness at a party because you think all eyes are on you and no one wants you there. Anxiety is that extra shot you take and it seems like you’re finally relaxing. Until you wake up the next day hungover, full of regret and wondering what you said to whom and do you owe them an apology?
Anxiety is the overcompensating and trying too hard to please people.
Anxiety is being everywhere on time because the thought of being late would put you over the edge.
Anxiety is the fear of failure and striving for perfection. Then beating yourself up when you fall short. It’s always needing a schedule or a plan.
Anxiety is that voice inside your head that’s saying ‘you’ll fail.’
It’s trying to exceed people’s expectations even if you’re killing yourself to do so. Anxiety is taking on more than you can handle just so you are distracted and not overthinking something.
Anxiety is procrastination because you’re paralyzed with fear of failing so you hold it off.
It’s the triggers that set you off.
It’s breaking down in private and crying when you’re overwhelmed but no one will ever see that side of you. Anxiety is picking up and trying again because the only thing worse than overcoming other people is overcoming you and your own demons.
It’s beating that critical voice that says, ‘you really fucked up.’ or ‘you should feel awful right now.’
Anxiety is the want and the need to control things because it feels like this thing in your life is outside of your control and you have to learn to live with it.
But more than anything anxiety is caring. It’s never wanting to hurt someone’s feelings. It’s never wanting to do something wrong. More than anything, it’s the want and need to simply be accepted and liked. So you try too hard sometimes.
And when you come across friends who begin to understand, they help you through it.
Then you realize this might be a battle you face every day but it’s one you won’t have to face alone.
Credit https://www.facebook.com/gninworDllitSmI/
When I Am Sad, I Don’t Want To Reach Out.
I want to retreat.
I want to hide.
If I could disappear completely, until the feelings pass, I would.
And if you ask me if I am okay I will say fine, every time.
You see, I don’t want your help, because I don’t feel like anyone can help me.
I don’t feel like I deserve the help.
When I am sad, I don’t want to ‘reach out’.
But if you reach in, if you really reach in.
Ask me twice, 3 times, how do you really feel, are you really ok.
Maybe I will answer honestly one day.
And if you show up at my door and sit with me, without judgement.
Maybe I will awake to a brighter day.
Maybe I will look for the help.
When I am sad I don’t want to reach out.
Maybe you will be the one to reach in.
Please don’t give up on me
#depressionkills
I nearly stopped myself from posting this. Numerous times. Because I didn’t want to be one of ‘those’ people. I didn’t want to be another blogger with another mental health issue. I didn’t want to lay out a sympathy post. But for those of you who know me & those of you who don’t. I have a secret to tell you.
So if your unlucky enough to know what these tablets are, then I don’t have to describe to you what this post is regarding. But if you don’t I will fill you in.
That medication allows me to deal with a normal day to day life. Although most days it leaves me tired, spaced out and emotionless. Crazy right? Why would anyone want to feel like that. Well this is why.
You see I suffer from depression and anxiety. My anxiety is usually spurred on by a ‘dark’ mood. Let me start by saying, I don’t have suicidal thoughts, I never have & I hopefully never will. My depression takes me to other places. Simple things like relationships and friendships become so trivial, so complicated.
In my brain it doesn’t sit right, something seems different. I notice little differences that ‘normal’ people wouldn’t notice.
That comment you didn’t tag me in, but you tagged other people? I saw that, why didn’t you tag me? What’s up with me?
You read that message, I saw you did, but you didn’t reply.. why didn’t you reply? Have I done something to upset you?
You didn’t say I love you on the phone.. do you not love me anymore? Do you love someone else instead?
They just made a comment about me. Was it a joke? Was I supposed to laugh? Or do they mean it? Are they being nice? Are they talking about me? Do they talk about me? I bet they hate me.
Am I doing this right? Is this what a dad should do? What if this is wrong. Oh god. What if someone reports me. What if they take my kids. Should I hide? Should I leave. I’m a bad dad. I can’t do this.
Am I good enough? Should I just run away and hide?
And for all those questions I will spend hours trying to answer. Let it all build up in my mind, until it sends me to tears…… it’s mental that isn’t it. That I see things that way. Some call it psycho but what it really is.. is a mental illness.
It’s not only mental changes, but physical changes. I eat a lot, mainly rubbish, because I need it now and I need the energy from lack of sleep. Insomnia, up all night answering questions to situations that don’t even exists.
I still smile and I have every excuse for when you ask why.
But this tablet helps me.
Because I know when I start to feel this way or think this way, I need help.
I know that when my behaviour starts to change, I need guidance.
And I understand that I don’t need to be ashamed. I don’t need to be understood. I just need to be accepted. Everyone is fighting a battle and sometimes you need to be kinder.
So I may just be another blogger who’s talking about mental health. But this is the reason for my silence recently. For my lack of posts. For my lack of enthusiasm.
And to my friends and family. I love you and I’m grateful, because living with this illness is hard, but trying to understand it, is harder.
Don’t suffer in silence.
#speakout
Full Credit to he amazing David Marshall
