Welcome to Mums Advice

Category: Our stories

  • 30 Things The B*stards Never Tell You About Childbirth

    30 THINGS THE B*STARDS NEVER TELL YOU ABOUT CHILDBIRTH

    #1 It hurts.

    #2 No. It REALLY f*cking hurts.

    #3 Imagine simultaneously stubbing your toe while standing on an upturned plug adjacent to a piece of Lego.

    #4 Now multiply that level of pain by TWELVE MILLION.

    (#5 Obviously every woman is different, it doesn’t hurt that much for everyone, some simply “blow the pain away”, and it’s “more pressure than pain” in certain cases.)

    (#6 But for the remaining 99.99999% of us: it f*cking hurts.)

    #7 C sections are by no means the easy option. Have you ever tried taking sole responsibility for the life of another completely helpless human being after any other form of major surgery?

    #8 It doesn’t matter how much you love and trust your birth partner. By the time you are around 95% of the way through the childbirth process, writhing in agony as they stand there, blissfully pain free…you will want to f*cking MAIM THEM.

    #9 Midwives are saints in human form. Anaesthetists even more so.

    #10 Bar epidurals, pretty much all other forms of pain relief that they offer you in labour are about as effective as soothing an amputated limb with a squirt of antiseptic spray and a dinosaur plaster.

    #11 Before going into labour, you will spend a disproportionate amount of time packing your hospital bag, which will contain roughly the amount of items you would need if embarking to set up life on a deserted island in the middle of the ocean.

    #12 You will use roughly 0.21% of these items.

    #13 You will also have spent days, if not weeks, planning the perfect outfit to wear in childbirth which will allow you to labour comfortably whilst still retaining your modesty.

    #14 By the time your cervix has reached 10cm of dilation, your modesty will have fled several hours ago, pursued by a bear, and you could be giving birth wearing nipple tassles and a gimp mask, with an audience of thousands, for all you care.

    #15 You will panic that you will poo yourself in labour.

    #16 And you will poo yourself in labour, by which point you will not give a shit. (Pun entirely intended.) About anything. At all. Ever.

    #17 Speaking of which, childbirth is basically just like having a really big poo.

    #18 If that poo was the size of a badger. And made of barbed wire. And doused with Original Source Mint and Tea Tree shower gel. And came out wielding the upper limbs of Edward Scissorhands.

    #19 Once you’ve had the baby, you have to have the placenta, which all the books kind of gloss over and suggest you won’t notice, because you’ll be so wrapped up in your new baby. For the record, there is nothing I have ever been so wrapped up in, EVER, that means I would fail to notice several pounds of raw flesh falling out of my front bottom.

    #20 Oh, and just when you think it’s all over?

    #21 Stitches.

    #22 And afterpains.

    #23 STITCHES AND MOTHERF*CKING AFTERPAINS.

    #24 F*ck’s sake.

    #25 The first post-birth wee is almost as terrifying as giving birth.

    #26 And don’t get me started on the first post-birth poo.

    #27 Which basically IS giving birth, all over again.

    #28 It is, of course, all totally worth it ♥️

    #29 But those people who tell you that “I just forgot the pain, the moment it was over”?

    #30 Are lying f*cking bastards.

    Credit: www.twitter.com/IKINTST

     

  • A Letter From An Old Mother Of Boys To A New One

    ~ A LETTER FROM AN OLD MOTHER OF BOYS…TO A NEW ONE ~

    Dearest Meghan,

    If you could see my uterus, it’s probably blue. And has a beard. Because this baby factory only makes boys.

    Parenting someone of the opposite sex brings challenges you’re just going to have to adapt to, so as a mother of two humans with Y chromosomes, here are my top tips for mothering males:

    Firstly, it’s true, boys ARE less drama than girls but you know what? They’re harder to keep alive. You’ve basically got yourself a rabid raccoon on speed, Megs.

    Please rethink your standards of ‘safety’. Stock up on Betadine and Band-Aids. My five year old’s favourite toy right now is a mini tomahawk, while my eldest’s latest obsession is firing a cross bow and arrow into an abandoned tyre. Need I say more.

    While we’re on the topic of weaponry, get ready for Frogmore Cottage to be buried in mountains of Nerf gun bullets. On the plus side, they double as really great foam earplugs, which you’ll need to combat the NOISE LEVELS you’re about to experience. So stock up on noise cancelling headphones or learn transcendental meditation. You decide.

    Let’s talk about your wardrobe. Burn all of your white clothes. That is all.

    Most importantly, you must think farts are funny. If you laugh with your son, you’ll all benefit. If you try to get him to stop laughing about them, it will only make matters worse.

    You must also be cool with nudity. My boys strip off the moment they get home from school. Forget everything Oprah and The Dalai Lama ever said – jocks + socks are the true key to happiness. And LOTS of food – get your Duchessy mitts on an Aldi trolley token and go nuts. (My nine year old could go head to head with a Japanese competitive eater.)

    Last but not least: ‘The Grab’. I’m talking about the doodle, the zizi, the King Dingaling – whatever you want to call it. Get used to it being man-handled 24/7. I have literally been forced to utter the phrase “Stop wrapping your penis around your fork.” May the force be with you.

    Yours,

    Lise Carlaw

  • Pet Owners Please Be Aware Of The Dangers Of Dog Toys

    So I just thought I should post the following to avoid something terrible happening to someone’s beloved pet, as mine is currently in a critical condition. I would appreciate anyone who knows anyone with dogs to share this post so that they have the information required to keep their dogs from harm.

    A few weeks ago our beautiful French Bulldog Scout started behaving very strangely. She was being sick through the night every night and eventually stopped eating. We kept taking her to the vet and they did xrays and felt her stomach and just couldn’t figure out what was going on.

    Eventually after the second set of xrays they decided to do an exploratory surgery. They were shocked to find that her intensities were completely clogged with tiny bits of thread so that absolutely nothing could pass through. In order to remove the thread they had to make FOUR incisions in her intestines, and it had gotten so bad that she had developed pancreatitis as well so it was explained to us that she had to have been in agonising pain for a while now.

    Pet Owners Please Be Aware Of The Dangers Of Dog Toys
    Pet Owners Please Be Aware Of The Dangers Of Dog Toys

     

    When I went to visit her at the emergency over night specialist who is looking after her during her recovery they gave me the bag which is photographed below. I instantly recognised the thread as being from her Great&Small rope toys of which she has 5. The toys are designed for chewing. It was explained to me by my vet that such small morsels should have passed through her no problem, but they are made from a substance that instead, sticks to the intestinal lining. It is also made from a substance that does not show up on xrays and when felt doesn’t feel out of place in a dogs stomach. The vet was really concerned about the production of these toys and insisted that I contact the manufacturers immediately.

    We are now waiting to see whether or not she will recover. We have no idea what is going to happen as it was such a massive surgery that she might not recover.

    I messaged the director of Great&Small and explained the situation. He proceeded to reply stating that there is a note on the toy saying that dogs should be supervised when playing with it and offered me a free dog bed to say sorry.

    Now I would like to take this opportunity to state that I do supervise her with her toys. I supervised her chewing her toys which is what they are designed for and always take toys off her if they become so damaged that a large part might come off so that she doesn’t eat it. However she was ingesting such tiny amounts at a time that it shouldn’t have ever been an issue. Any other toy would have just passed right through. It is a design fault and needs rectifying.

    I replied saying that I was unhappy with this response as it does not solve the issue, and that the offer of a free dog bed is an insult considering that my vet bills are already at almost £5000.

    I received a response just now that states that there is nothing more they can do, and that they will continue to sell the toy.

    I’m now at a loss as to what more I can do, but the least I can do is share my story to avoid it happening to anyone else’s pet.

    Thanks for reading, and please share the post and/or any advise you might have on what I can do.

    Credit Natalie Mossaz

  • This Pill Made Me Go Blind And Have A Stroke

    Ok so thought I’d share. I’m aware pills work differently for everybody, but I’ve seen loads of articles on this pill affecting girls. I’ve been on this pill 3 months.

    Last night I experienced the worst thing in my life – my eyes started fitting and I went blind for 10-15 mins. Didn’t think much of it (I never have anything happen to me) and I went to sleep. I’ve been having migraines for a few months so just thought it was to do with that.

    Well, I woke up this morning, I felt dizzy & sick, lost feeling in my right arm and my legs were weak. I text my friend who asked to see my face & I was ill but Not drooping (looking for signs of a stroke). At this point I’m just thinking I’m coming down with something.

    My friend got me to phone 111 (I had to twice as I got worse) who advised me to go to hospital ASAP. So, I got to hospital and saw a doctor. Turns out, I was in the early stages of having a stroke & if I had left it and continued to take this pill for a few more days, I would have had a stroke.

    At 21 years old, it’s the last thing you expect and I still do not feel myself. I am aware the pill works different for everybody, however I have seen A LOT on this one, and I was even questioning whether to when I first went on it.

    Thankfully, I went to hospital and know the cause. If I had ignored it and continued to taking the pill, I would have had a stroke.

    Credit Chelsea Rebecca Briggs

     

     

  • Joie Stroller Burn Risk

     

    WARNING!!

    For all you moms looking for strollers to keep your little ones cool this summer, please stay away from Joie. A couple of weeks ago I bought this Joie Nitro Stroller from Argos and 2 days ago while walking to my daughters Nanny’s house the frame of the stroller got so hot in the bank holiday sun that it burnt her finger.

    We weren’t out in the stroller for long, 1 hour tops! And in that time the frame got hot enough to blister her finger so much that we had to take a trip to the hospital.

    Joie Stroller Burn Risk
    Joie Stroller Burn Risk

    Joie claims to ‘put every piece of every product through extreme testing’ in order to keep our babies safe. However, in my experience this was not the case.

    I did not want to put this on Facebook but I didn’t want anyone else to go through the same thing!

    EDIT**

    For those of you say that ‘metal gets hot’ I’m not an idiot I know metal gets hot but strollers should be made out of non conducting material so it doesn’t get dangerously hot enough to burn any of our babies. BASIC SCIENCE

    Credit Kayleigh Gittens

  • Miracle Cure For Eczema

    For any mother’s who are dealing with eczema on your little ones… this has been a life changer for us recently!!

    We have been to the dermatologist and prescribed creams. The creams do work but only temporarily and they will bleach the skin if used over and over!!!

    So I had spoke with a lady a while back and she explained to me how her daughter had eczema severely when she was younger and all that helped was “oatmeal bombs”.. literally..1 cup of old fashioned oatmeal scooped into a pair of panty hose, tied and repeated until you run out of room.

    Wyatts skin has improved so much since I have started this!!

    Every night I toss a “bomb” in the bath with him and at the end before getting him out I will rub his little body down from head to toe.. even where there isn’t any eczema. I wish that I would have taken her advice earlier and not waited so long!! Of course we still follow with cerave cream after bath for extra moisture.. but that is it!! We have not used steroid cream in almost a month!! And that my friend is a big deal for us!!

    Credit Megan Thames Fairchild

  • I Am 2 I Am Not Naughty

    “I am 2. I am not terrible or naughty …I am frustrated. I am nervous, stressed out, overwhelmed, and confused. I need a hug.”

    From the diary of a 2-year-old:

    Today I woke up and wanted to get dressed by myself but was told “No, we don’t have time, let me do it.”

    This made me sad.

    I wanted to feed myself for breakfast but was told,

    “No, you’re too messy, let me do it for you.”

    This made me feel frustrated.

    I wanted to walk to the car and get in on my own but was told, “No, we need to get going, we don’t have time. Let me do it.”

    This made me cry.

    I wanted to get out of the car on my own but was told “No, we don’t have time, let me do it.”

    This made me want to run away.

    Later I wanted to play with blocks but was told “no, not like that, like this…”

    I decided I didn’t want to play with blocks anymore. I wanted to play with a doll that someone else had, so I took it. I was told “No, don’t do that! You have to share.”

    I’m not sure what I did, but it made me sad. So I cried. I wanted a hug but was told “No, you’re fine, go play”.

    I’m being told it’s time to pick up. I know this because someone keeps saying, “Go pick up your toys.”

    I am not sure what to do, I am waiting for someone to show me.

    “What are you doing? Why are you just standing there? Pick up your toys, now!”

    I was not allowed to dress myself or move my own body to get to where I needed to go, but now I am being asked to pick things up.

    I’m not sure what to do. Is someone supposed to show me how to do this? Where do I start? Where do these things go? I am hearing a lot of words but I do not understand what is being asked of me. I am scared and do not move.

    I lay down on the floor and cry.

    When it was time to eat I wanted to get my own food but was told “no, you’re too little. Let me do it.”

    This made me feel small. I tried to eat the food in front of me but I did not put it there and someone keeps saying “Here, try this, eat this…” and putting things in my face.

    I didn’t want to eat anymore. This made me want to throw things and cry.

    I can’t get down from the table because no one will let me…because I’m too small and I can’t. They keep saying I have to take a bite. This makes me cry more. I’m hungry and frustrated and sad. I’m tired and I need someone to hold me. I do not feel safe or in control. This makes me scared. I cry even more.

    I am 2. No one will let me dress myself, no one will let me move my own body where it needs to go, no one will let me attend to my own needs.

    However, I am expected to know how to share, “listen”, or “wait a minute”. I am expected to know what to say and how to act or handle my emotions. I am expected to sit still or know that if I throw something it might break….But, I do NOT know these things.

    I am not allowed to practice my skills of walking, pushing, pulling, zipping, buttoning, pouring, serving, climbing, running, throwing or doing things that I know I can do. Things that interest me and make me curious, these are the things I am NOT allowed to do.

    I am 2. I am not terrible…I am frustrated. I am nervous, stressed out, overwhelmed, and confused. I need a hug.

    -Author unknown

  • This Is Not What Your Breasts Look Like

    Have you seen this image doing the rounds? Sadly, pretty as it is, it is not accurate! This image is based on work done by Sir Astley Cooper 160 years ago, and actually isn’t all that representative of the work that he did either! If you are into birth nerd stuff you can read more here: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC1571528/

    So why is it important to call this out? Because understanding how our breasts work is important, especially when we are using them for their primary purpose. Most of us have less milk ducts than this, although originally it is thought we had 22 ducts. Now we know it is around 9; some have more, some less.

    This makes a massive difference to those who are considering things like breast surgery. Milk ducts are not arranged in a pretty flower shape, they are more like the intertwined roots of a tree. And they can even be up under your armpit! This is important because when chest/breastfeeding, it matters that we know we can get blocked ducts up under our armpit and therefore treat them.

    Our bodies are amazing. We don’t need to have them prettied up like flowers.

    Accurate information matters!

    #birthnerd

    https://www.facebook.com/SpiralHarbor/

     

  • Imagine Having A Boyfriend That Doesn’t Like Your Posts On Social Media

    Imagine having a boyfriend that doesn’t like your posts on social media but likes other females posts all the time.

    Imagine having a boyfriend that keeps in contact with people who you’re not comfortable with.

    Imagine having a boyfriend that doesn’t watch your snap stories or doesn’t text you,

    Doesn’t call to see how you’re doing, yet you know that they have their phone in their hands constantly throughout the day.

    Imagine having a boyfriend that doesn’t show you off or take you out on dates. Imagine having a boyfriend that doesn’t get excited when you come home, or even better, imagine a boyfriend that when you got home, he wasn’t even there, even though he got outta work earlier than you.

    Imagine never knowing where your boyfriend is, who he’s with or when he’ll be home. Imagine having a boyfriend that ignores you when you talk to him, Especially about how you’re feeling, and while you wait legit 5 minutes in silence for a response after you just poured your heart out, all he can come up with is, “I have nothing to say.”

    Imagine having a boyfriend that will sleep like a baby while you cry yourself to sleep, and he blames it on the fact that he has work in the morning. Imagine just wanting your boyfriend to love you the way he loved you in the beginning…. Now imagine this everyday… Just imagine.

    #GBU

    Credit Braddy478

  • Society To Working Moms

    Society to working moms:

    -Go back to work 6-8 weeks after having the baby. The baby that you spent 9-10 months growing inside of your body. Go back to work before you have finished healing or have had time to bond with your baby. Keep your mind on work, and not your tiny helpless baby that is being watched and cared for by someone other than you. Make sure to break the glass ceiling and excel at your job- you can do anything a man can do! It is your job to show society this! Show the world that women can do it all. Rise to the top of your career.

    -Also breastfeed for at least a year. So take 2-3 pumping breaks a day at work, but don’t let it throw you off your game or let you lose your focus.

    -Also, lose that baby weight and get back in shape, as quickly and as gracefully as possible. Make sure to get 8 hours of sleep a night so you can work out, work, and care for your family. But also get up at 5 am to workout, unless you want to do it after your kids go to bed when you also need to clean the house and get life ready for the next day and you know, sleep.

    -Maintain a clean, pinterest worthy house. Take the Christmas lights down. Recycle. Be Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, the Tooth Fairy, the birthday planner, the poop doula (seriously when will this end), the finder of lost things, the moderator of fights. Be fun. Be firm. Read books. Have dance parties.

    -Maintain the schedule for the entire family. Birthday parties coming up? Make sure to have presents! Ensure the kids are learning to swim, play an instrument, read, ride a bike, be a good human being, eat vegetables, wear sunscreen, drink enough water, say please and thank you. Don’t forget they need to dress as their favorite book character on Monday, and wear something yellow on Thursday. Oh it’s totally your call but most parents come in on their birthday and read to the entire class. In case nobody told you, if you have more than one kid you will need to buy new shoes approximately every other day. See also: winter coats, shorts, pants that aren’t 4 inches too short. There will never be matching socks or gloves for any member of the family, ever again.

    -Remember the dog you got before you had kids? Shes getting old now and needs expensive surgery. She also need walking, a new bed, and she smells pretty bad.

    -Hey! Kids need lots of doctor appointments. Monthly as babies. Every time they are sick. Specialist appointments, especially if any of them have extra needs. At least two school conferences a year. IEP meetings, if applicable. Parents night. Back to school night. Get to know your school night (what IS this). Most parents are volunteering at least once during the year, would you like to come make a craft with the kids? It will only be an hour or two of your time.

    -Sorry, you are now out of vacation time because you used it all for time taking your kids to appointments or when your childcare is unavailable. You should go on vacations though. It’s good to relax and unwind from work. Makes you a better employee.

    -Don’t forget the kids need healthy meals (and so do you! you are trying to lose that last 20 lbs before swim season right). That requires meal planning, grocery shopping, and meal prep on the weekend. But also hang out with your kids on the weekend since during the week you only get to hang out with them when they are exhausted and angry that you made the wrong kind of spaghetti for dinner.

    -Date your spouse! It’s important to keep your relationship alive and fresh. Try to go out 1-2 times a month. Good, kid free time. Hire a babysitter, they charge 22+ dollars an hour in your area so make sure to take out an extra mortgage and/or work another job to be able to afford this.

    -Oh hey you should have a hobby too. It’s important to have “you time”. Also be well read, keep up with the latest pop culture and tv shows, and keep an eye on politics and be able to discuss at least one of the above on the small chance you are out in public and encounter another adult necessitating small talk.

    -Make sure to have friends. Social time is SO important. Surely there is an hour or two left in the week after all of the working, appointments, exercising, cooking, scheduling, cleaning, imparting lifelong morals and learning on the kids, the usual. Maybe go out after the kids are down for a glass of wine and a bite to eat. Make it a healthy bite though. And you may regret that wine at your 530 am spin class.

    -Self care though. SO important. See also: getting in shape. See the general doctor, the dentist (TWICE), the lady doctor. Prob need to get your eyes checked. Full body skin checks 2+ times a year (just me? okay well). Mental health too. Postpartum anxiety? But you look fine and your kids are so cute. Everyone should have a therapist. Good luck finding one that takes your insurance and has hours outside of your normal working time (out of vacation time, remember?). That leaves evening time when you want to hang out with your kids. But it’s important, so make time for it.

    -Don’t wear yoga pants and a mom bun or society is going to mock you in numerous witty blog posts. Never mind that nothing fits. Going to have to get up even earlier so you have time to style your hair, wing your eye liner and search for a pair of pants that fits your new post baby (or multiple baby) shape.

    -Get off your phone, turn off the TV, and enjoy your life. Enjoy your kids. THESE ARE THE GOOD TIMES make sure to love every minute of life because before you know it all of this will be in the past.

    I don’t know about you, but I’m ready to lean OUT. Thanks for coming to my Ted talk.

    Full Credit Sarah Buckley Friedberg