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  • The Mental Load Of Motherhood Breaks You

    Powerful ❤️❤️We all lose the plot occasionally.

    The mental load of motherhood breaks you.

    You can feel your nerves fraying at the seams as your child refused to listen to anything you say.

    You cry. Lose your patience. Slam cabinets and bang plates, until it gets to you enough that you take away privileges and declare mum law.

    Every ounce of you is tired. Tired of fighting. Of the power struggle that is your child’s strong will and your need for them to behave.

    This is what no one tells you about. The hard stuff. The moments that break you open, that send you to the brink.

    So, I have to ask the question.

    Why do we hide it?

    Why do we lie through our teeth and utter the words, “I’m fine” to our friends when we are anything but?

    We have to stop hiding in the closet with our guilt and frustrations.

    If a friend shares her truth and says she’s in a funk, don’t tell her your life is sunshine and rainbows, tell her you’re in the freaking arena with her. Admit that you don’t have it altogether either.

    Because, let’s be honest – we all lose it. Every single one of us.

    I know it’s hard, isn’t it? This motherhood thing. It’s OK to say that out loud, that doesn’t make you a bad mum – it makes you real.

    So, to the mum having a rough week let me tell you what no one else will.

    There are going to be days. Days where it’s all too much. Days where the fighting and bickering send you over the edge. Days where the baby won’t sleep and the toddler just spilled a newly poured bowl of cereal all over the floor or the older child lashes back with attitude & tells you she hates you…again.

    You’re going to feel your blood pressure rise and your patience dwindle. You’re going to lose it. You’re going to question yourself – all the time. You’re going to wish bedtime would come sooner. You’re going to cry a lot. You’re going to long for five minutes to yourself. You’ll wonder if you are getting any of this right; if you are cut out for this job at all.

    But let me tell you … you ARE. You’re getting more right than you think.

    Do you know why?

    Because you show up. You show up through the hard stuff.

    Even on the days, weeks or maybe even months when we’re in a rut and we can’t quite claw our way out – you don’t quit.

    Sure, we cry. We have our moments where we feel like we can’t go on and then we wipe our tears, throw on a clean pair of pants and we push forward.

    Are we tired? Absolutely. We’re tired of the constant correcting, of no one listening. Negotiating. Refereeing. Cleaning. Fighting.

    But, we’re more tired of hiding our mess & putting high expectations on ourselves.

    So when the tears won’t stop, when every ounce of patience is lost and you feel as though you can’t do this, know that you are not alone. There are so many other mums in this arena too and they’re giving you a standing ovation.

    Through all of it. The tears and the smiles. The failures and the wins.

    Some days it will feel all too much and some days it all comes to a head, but don’t ever doubt your strength. Don’t ever question what you’re capable of and how much your children love you.

    Go ahead and cry, but then wipe those tears and get back up. Today you may have lost it, but you’re not failing – you’re so incredibly fierce. ✌🏼💓

    Credit https://www.facebook.com/jennamarie.zumba

     

  • Smear Tests Really Do Save Lives

    Smear tests really do save lives, i didn’t realise how important it is to have them until the last couple of weeks. Had my first smear last month, a couple of weeks later was told I had abnormal cells on my cervix and have an appointment at the hospital for a colposcopy,

    I went this morning and it showed I had high grade CIN3 pre cancerous cells, basically one step away from having cervical cancer, if I hadn’t of went for my smear these CIN3 cells would have developed into cancer if left untreated, I’ve had LLETZ treatment to remove all of the pre cancerous cells and a biopsy sent away to make sure it was all removed🙏🏼 I’m so thankful I went for my smear and it was caught in time, make sure you go girls!

    Credit https://www.facebook.com/samm.grace

  • This Is Not A Safe Way To Sleep…But

    First let me say that this is NOT a safe way to sleep with your baby! NEVER fall asleep with your baby on a sofa! Read on…

    But, it is a reality that every new parent is very likely to fall asleep (most likely while breastfeeding!) with their baby somewhere, at some point, in the first few months.

    We’re tired. We’re up 2781764x a night changing diapers, figuring out breastfeeding, healing from birth, comforting an awake baby (or toddler!) We’re exhausted. 😴😴

    But did you know that breastfeeding also naturally makes us sleepy? Particularly in the first few months of breastfeeding, that surge of prolactin and oxytocin you feel during a ‘let down’ ⚡️also causes you to relax, so you can fall asleep with your baby, because our bodies know we need rest to heal and be amazing 💪 mothers.

    When mothers fight this sleepiness (3am nursing sessions, anyone?) by scrolling 📱 through their smartphones, turning on a light, walking to a nursery and sitting upright in a recliner to stay awake, they wake themselves more fully than necessary, and thus have a harder time falling fully BACK asleep before baby is awake again. This can cause even greater fatigue.

    This is where SAFE bedsharing and cosleeping are so important. We have to talk about this, y’all. Safe cosleeping means

    🚫 NEVER on the couch 🚫

    🚫 Never in a recliner 🚫

    ✅ On a safe surface, with safe people, with a full-term infant, no smokers, a firm-ish mattress, no crazy pillows or blankets around baby ✅

    This can be done safely, comfortably, and easily without any special equipment, and we need to start teaching this to parents right from the start, instead of telling them that cosleeping and bedsharing are unsafe, and then sending them home to unsafely fall asleep while nursing on the sofa.

    This photo is of myself, ten years ago, almost to the day. My oldest child turned ten today, and I have learned so much in that decade. When he was born in the hospital, I was told to Never, ever cosleep, because it was so dangerous to babies. We went home and I basically spent zero time in my own bed that first week, because I was holding my baby on my chest almost nonstop, learning to nurse, meeting his needs.

    But I had been told bringing him to my bed was dangerous. So we avoided it. And so we have about a dozen photos of me asleep in recliners and on sofas with our sweet baby. 🙂 We were afraid to cosleep, and knew nothing about safe cosleeping, but eventually I began bringing him to bed with me out of necessity. I was so exhausted, I didn’t know what else to do.

    By the second and third babies, I knew better. 💜 We safely bedshared from birth. I slept. They slept. I breastfed and slept. They were safe and content. Everyone’s needs were met, and I didn’t have to fight those biological mechanisms that make mothers sleepy while nursing a newborn. We napped, gloriously, safely on my 🛏 bed, daily. We slept well despite ‘waking’ every couple of hours to take care of a newborn.

    This is what we need to be teaching parents. Safe bedsharing. NEVER on a sofa or recliner. In bed. Safe and sound.

    Links on safe bedsharing and cosleeping:

    https://cosleeping.nd.edu/safe-co-sleeping-guidelines/

    https://www.llli.org/the-safe-sleep-seven/

    Safe Sleep Guide for Breastfeeding Families

    https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/moral-landscapes/201309/bedsharing-or-co-sleeping-can-save-babies-lives

    Co-sleeping and Bed-sharing

    #safebedsharing #cosleeping #biologicallynormalinfantsleep #lactationconsultant #ibclc #jaxibclc #jaxmoms #motherhood #infantsleep #nighttimeparenting #breastfeeding #breastsleeping #bedsharing

     

  • Child Dies From Holding In Vomit

    FOR YOUR INFORMATION

    A 16 year old boy recently died. He and his brother were sleeping in the same room. Late night he got up to vomit. His brother said he held his hand to his mouth and went to the bathroom. After vomiting, he complained of difficulty in breathing. Later died.

    Now it has been declared by Doctor that he held on to his vomit till he reached the toilet in order to not to spoil the bed or carpet, and that’s what choked him. The vomit went straight into his wind pipe & the breathing tract. …..

    So, we should let kids puke wherever they want, and then go to the bathroom. We should never force them to hold on to their vomit till they reach the bathroom.

    The carpet can always be washed, but we cannot get a child back.

    Please pass on this message.

    It’s informative and It may save a life. (CTTO)

    Credit https://www.facebook.com/zynergiamandauecity/

  • My Ex In-Laws Are Still My Family

    My ex-husband’s parents obviously weren’t thrilled about me divorcing their son. Soon after the divorce, I drove to my in-laws’ house and had a very long and open and difficult and awkward and beautiful and complicated conversation with them. We decided not to point fingers or blame or judge. We just talked about the most important thing: the kids. We decided to put our differences and our pride aside and focus on what really matters: family, forgiveness, love. I remember one particular phone call early on, while things were still really tense between their son and me, his mom said: “Well, if you’re not technically my daughter-in-law anymore, then from now on you’re my daughter.” And they have treated me like one since.

    Today was another Thanksgiving spent at their house. I’ve always been welcome. Once I started dating my current husband, I assumed the invitation to Thanksgiving would stop. But no. The invitation was extended to him as well. It’s been like this for years now, all of us getting together for the holidays.

    Today, we once again ate together as one big family. Today, my husband helped my ex-husband’s mom set the table and clean up, as he does every year. Today, I listened as my ex-husband and current husband discussed work and football and parenting. Today, I watched my ex-husband play superheroes with my son from my second marriage.

    Today was about all the stuff that really matters and not about the unnecessary drama we humans tend to create.

    None of this divorce, remarriage, co-parenting stuff is easy. In some ways, it’s the hardest part of my life. But the hard work and our “kids first, egos last” formula has been worth it. So, so worth it. ❤️

     

    Credit https://www.facebook.com/KristinaKuzmic/

     

  • The System Is Failing Us All

    Couldn’t be more frustrated.

    The system is failing us all.

    High pressures everywhere and I just want to let my guard down and be taken care of but I have to constantly exhaustively advocate for myself with conditions they don’t understand.

    Checking in at hosp as an emergency this morning after a burn incident (don’t ask!) on my way to The Christie’s for a Short Synacthen Test (for my Addison’s disease)…. The test prep and burn sent my body into a shock it couldn’t effectively respond to. Without natural cortisol, I cannot respond and without my emergency needle which should always be with me but on this exception it wasn’t- it becomes a 1 hour time slot to flood my body with the synthetic version in a resus unit under supervision.

    Sadly, I kept being given treatments which are unecessary and then red tape was restricting those few who did take the time and have the inclination to listen; they couldn’t provide the necessary care, but couldn’t act accordingly either and I kept repeating my medical needs in the hope someone would hear me.

    She who thinks I’m a ‘bitch’ because I gently tried to explain that the doctor has prescribed extremely high doses of medications I need to stay alive, but a dose which is too high such as this will have expensive and detrimental consequences tomorrow….

    To try to keep explaining that after having hundreds of mg of the stress hormone ‘Cortisol’ flooded through your veins for 12 + hours is really difficult because I’m emotional and lacking mental clarity….. I tried to explain through tearful eyes and she told me to shut up and take my meds as she has other patients to see, so I either take the overdose or nothing.

    Let me be clear;

    The overdose of this stress hormone will add up to the other doses and have a horrific, heavy effect on my mood for days to come.

    In addition to the dark cloud it takes me hostage in, it also causes damage to my connective tissues.

    Damage which means I’ll dislocate so much more for the next few days and therefore damage my joints for weeks to come- unless it’s my spine in which case, it’s forever.

    With EDS, I cannot take this risk. I must find a balance.

    The nurse who now refuses to treat me believed that I should either take ‘all’ and damage my connective tissues in addition to breaking the adrenal protocol and leading to a longer admission time and multiple MCAS reactions- one risk of which is anaphylaxis.

    Or

    ‘Nothing’…. I’m here because I had an adrenal crisis. It becomes life threatening very fast and resus took great care of me today to stabilise this, but, since then I should have had my levels checked regularly to ensure I’m stabilised .

    No bloods or checks have been taken.

    I should have lesser doses to wean my body down until discharge tomorrow.

    This hasn’t happened.

    But the nurse? She doesn’t care, because ‘she knows already’ and ‘doesn’t want to anger the doctor by querying his prescription’…. so she instead gets angry with me loudly and humiliates me loudly on a ward.

    I’m so tired of advocating.

    I am so so tired of explaining.

    Education is the only answer.

    I can hear the docs discussing it outside loudly misunderstanding and making assumptions which are incorrect…. and I wish they’d take a moment to talk to me so that we can clear it up- save them time, money and trouble…. and save my body and sanity.

    I don’t know how much sense this makes. I’m fatigued and medicated.

    I just needed to share my frustrations so I don’t sit crying in a corner bed on the ward like the annoying ‘anxious’ patient it’s all too convenient to tarnish me as.

    – Addisons Disease & Adrenal Crisis protocol.

    -Continued, clear communication & hand overs… (probably less stress & patient pressures required for this one. Please don’t ever mistake me as an NHS basher. I adore the service and the people in it…. but I despise the pressures they’re under and the consequences this has on patient care… and I despise policies which risk lives).

    I look around my ward at the majority elderly patients and I wonder who would listen to them if they needed to stand their ground as I have?

    Who would dismiss them as ‘deluded’ and ‘old’ .

    Who would keep them safe or know otherwise.

    I’m weary as hell but I’m determined to be the change I wish to see on any and every level within my power.

    They had an incidental finding in my blood and have concerns about my liver. To be fair, it’s an organ which isn’t had much attention so it’s probably it’s turn.

    Tomorrow, I’ll have a scan and know more.

    If you’ve made it this far through my rant/ offload, then thank you.

    And thanks also to Gwen, Family & D today for your help

    I’m just done in today. I’ve had enough.

    ❤️

    www.theedsfoundation.org.uk

    #EhlersDanlos #AddisonsDisease #AdrenalCrisis #EducationHealsIgnorance

    #YouCantEducateAnUnwillingStudent

    Credit https://www.facebook.com/SavingSamantha/

     

  • Daddy The Cockwomble

    It was Thursday morning, Daddy had booked the day off of work to go Christmas shopping with Mummy.

    Ohhh, it will be nice to have a bit of help during the morning rush Mummy thought.

    1. At 6am, Daddy, Mummy and the children began their day, as Mummy began to label a pear then ensured the eldest child had everything she needed for her day at school, Daddy sat in his dressing gown, engrossed in the Wiggles.

    2. At 6:15am, Mummy prepared breakfast for both of the small humans, she popped upstairs to fetch both of their outfits for the day, on her way asking Daddy if he would mind keeping an eye on HIS, his own children whom were both tucking into their chocolate hoops happily.

    3. On returning from fetching the children’s outfits, Mummy noticed Daddy, whom was still sat in the same spot, still watching the Wiggles in his dressing gown, simply hadn’t noticed that the youngest child had distributed her chocolate hoops all around the kitchen. For fuck sakes, thought Mummy, is it that bloody difficult to supervise for 2 minutes?

    4. Mummy then attempted to apply a coating of make up onto her tired looking face, she managed to achieve the final look of- ‘still absolutely bollocksed but trying to hide it’ with only 25 mini intervals of chaos, all whilst, of course, Daddy sat in his dressing gown, watching the Wiggles.

    5. As Mummy casually mentioned it was nearly time to get both children dressed, their hair brushed and their shoes on, Daddy realised he instantly needed a wee.

    6. Daddy magically returned 45 minutes later, after both children had been lovingly dressed, they were both looking smart complete with styled hair, and their shoes were placed firmly on their feet. Daddy was still not dressed. Daddy then announced that he would need to iron his shirt before he could possibly complete his getting ready routine.

    7. Mummy was starting to get a little bit fucked off with Daddy the cockwomble, whom had been of the use equivalent to a twatting chocolate fireplace during the getting ready routine, Mummy’s face said it all.

    8. “What’s wrong with you?” The cockwomble questioned Mummy, genuinely oblivious to the chaos unravelling around him as he ironed his shirt. “Oh nothing darling, I’m enjoying the help!” Replied Mummy in her best sarcastic tone.

    9. When Daddy had finally completed his get ready routine and Mummy had completed everyone else’s apart from her own, she then asked him if it would be ok with him if she nipped back upstairs to get herself dressed. The cockwomble then decided this would be a brilliant time to announce he now needed to put the bin out.

    10. Master bin man Daddy was appalled by Mummy’s bad attitude when she asked him if he could possibly wait 5 twatting minutes to put the bin out, just whilst she put some clean knickers on upstairs without an audience, without being asked why her fanny resembled Fluffy the long haired Guinea pig.

    11. Mummy packed the smallest child’s bag for a day at Grandma’s house, she asked Daddy whom had now managed the stressful task of getting himself dressed and resumed his position in front of the Wiggles, if he would mind just popping a packet of wet wipes into the bag. Daddy then moved at the speed of a sloth, looking from left to right, pretending to look for the pack of wipes which were exactly where they always were. In the draw. “Where are the wipes??” Daddy asked, in attempt to piss Mummy off so much, she would fetch them herself.

    12. After 54 disagreements over a plastic pig, two nappy changes, one heartbreak over a broken flashing wand, 20,000 never ending requests for juice and a world ending realisation that it was a pear for snack and not grapes, all whilst Daddy watched the telly or got himself ready for the day, everyone was finally ready to leave the house.

    13. “You get the kids in the car!” Daddy said to Mummy whom was putting on the children’s coats, the cockwomble had forgotten to put out the bin whilst he had been so busy watching children’s programmes.

    “One job!” Laughed Mummy. “You had one job!”

    “Well apparently it wasn’t convenient!” Snapped Daddy whom hadn’t worked out that in the 3 hours he had to put the bin out he chose the exact moment Mummy needed to get dressed.

    It was Mummy’s fault.

    It was all Mummy’s fault.

    What a selfish bitch she was, trying to get herself dressed.

    “I don’t understand why you are so grumpy today?” Daddy asked Mummy.

    “No neither do I? After all that help I’ve had this morning too!!” Snapped Mummy.

    And then Mummy and Daddy went Christmas shopping, and heard all about how hungry Daddy was during the shopping spree due to him not having time to grab any breakfast thanks to the strenuous job of putting the bin out.

    “I know! Let’s go out for dinner!” Mummy said, with a cunning plan to get absolutely shitfaced whilst the cockwomble was the designated driver.

    “Let’s get you fed, you’ve had an extremely busy morning putting the bin out.”

    🤣🤣🤣

    Cheers!!! Happy Thursday! 🍷 🍷 🍷

    #laughwithmummy

    #xmasshopping

    #daddythecockwomble

    #cocktails

    #passthecocktails.

    Credit https://www.facebook.com/laughwithmummy/

     

  • Help Save This Young Ladies Life

    On 06th January 2017 our lives changed forever as our beautiful 21 year old daughter, Monique, was rushed into emergency surgery after a CT scan found her bowel had perforated. Eight hours later she emerged from surgery with a colostomy bag and a week later her surgeon confirmed the news behind the perforation: 

    “Testing has confirmed a malignant tumour caused your bowel to perforate. Unfortunately the tumour has also spread… You have Stage 4 Advanced Bowel Cancer” 

    We spent the next two weeks in hospital by Monique’s side as she recovered from her surgery and processed the news that she would be starting palliative chemotherapy within the next 6 weeks. 

    We were told that Monique’s prognosis was not good. Her oncologist predicted 6-12 months alongside the chemotherapy. However, as is in her nature, her zest for life prevailed and nearing 3 years later, she has surpassed all the odds having undergone 58 cycles of chemotherapy and reaching NED (no evidence of disease) status for 2 years. 

    Chemotherapy has been by far the toughest thing Monique has undergone. The physical and mental side effects have been harrowing. 

    Watching her courage and determination to push forward despite this has been inspiring. 

    Help Save This Young Ladies Life
    Help Save This Young Ladies Life

    Recurrence 
    Unfortunately in August 2019, Monique’s 3 monthly CT scan has shown that her cancer has returned in the lining of her abdomen and pelvis and her ovaries. Correspondence from a specialist surgical centre in Basingstoke has unfortunately deemed Monique unsuitable for surgery. As a result, Monique has had to start a new chemotherapy treatment which she will continue in 2 weekly cycles until she is re-scanned in 3 months and we find out whether the treatment has stabilised her cancer. 

    Go Fund Me
    As her parents, we are devoted to Monique and now devoted to extensively researching multiple different treatments both here in the UK and abroad, including Israel and America, which offer both medical and alternative treatments which we believe Monique will benefit from and help her diagnosis. Unfortunately her options on the NHS are very limited due to her diagnosis and the treatments that will ultimately benefit her life are not covered by the NHS and are very costly. We have started this GoFundMe page in order to raise the funds needed to provide Monique with these life-saving treatments as well as to enable her to live her life independently, comfortably and to the full. 

    Any funds which are leftover and do not go towards funding these treatments will be split between three of Monique’s chosen charities; CLIC Sargent, Teens Unite, Bowel Cancer Research UK and her ongoing treatment centre, who have all supported her fight so far. 

    Keep up to date with Monique’s journey on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/thelifeofmiqu

    To donate https://www.gofundme.com/f/thelifeofmique

     

  • My Heart Is Broken Jack Merritt You Deserve The World

    My darling boy.

    It’s been 24 hours of pure haze. Nothing has made sense and nothing has mattered. I never thought I would live in a world where seeing your beautiful face would give me such a dark pain, a pain like I’ve never felt before. I am so sad Jack.

    You were such a completely brilliant boy, you could have done anything, literally anything, but you chose to help others, you championed the underdog, you did all you could to get voices heard. It scares me to think that your voice is now lost, your reasonable, sensible, passionate voice could get lost in this mess. You spoke up for people and now we must do the same for you.

    It was senseless, this is completely senseless. I will never make it make sense in my head. Why would the world take such a wonderful person from us, why would that be allowed to happen. A man, fighting for a brilliant cause that led to his death, why would that happen.

    I’m still struggling to put two words together. I walked by the river yesterday morning, the air was so fresh, it was the clearest of days but I couldn’t see anything, I couldn’t hear anything and everything reminded me of you, I will always be reminded of you. I want you here to hug me, rip the complete shit out of me, I want you here with the love in your heart and the smile on your face. I want you to make fucking pizzas and drink nice wine and sing fucking Fast Train at the top of our lungs.

    I want so much, I wanted so much for you. Your life had so much enjoyment in it, and you gave us all so much happiness.

    We went to the Punter last night and I kept expecting you to turn up, swanky coat, Dr Martens on, and that bloody vape in hand. I wanted to hear about your day, I wanted to hear about your conference, I wanted to hear you speak with passion, but you didn’t. You will always be here Jack. I will carry you everywhere I go, everything I do, you will be with me.

    I can’t quite believe I’ve even put this on Facebook, you hated Facebook. There’s something about people knowing you though, everyone should have known you. When it feels like the world is talking about your best mates death everything feels wildly out of control. I can’t control the narrative, people are talking about you and they don’t know you Jack. You’d have fucking loved it, jesus christ. But it’s hard, I need you to be known for who you were, your beliefs and voice. I’m so angry Jack.

    I can’t believe I got to call you my best mate, I can’t believe I got the privilege of your love, I can’t believe I didn’t tell you enough.

    You were quite simply the best thing, completely golden. Your voice won’t be lost, you will never be lost and I will never let you be forgotten.

    My darling boy, my heart is broken. Jack Merritt you deserve the world.

    Credit https://www.facebook.com/hollie21saunders

     

  • Urgent Warning To Anyone Going Through A Custody Battle

    Just when I thought things couldn’t get anymore messed up…

    PLEASE READ!!! Allow this to be a very urgent warning to anyone going through a custody battle. Or any person in general.

    This normal looking charging block has gone in between me and my son’s father’s house for months now with my son’s iPad that he watches movies on.

    Today I was reading an article on nanny cams and how helpful they can be. I began to do a fair bit of research on them. That’s when I came across one that was disguised as a usb wall charger. I thought to myself “wow, that looks alot like the one that we use for bean”

    Swipe to the second pic, this is the front of the block that appears normal but is just a covering for picture #3 which is in fact a camera.

    To say I feel violated and disgusted would be a huge understatement. Think of all the places you use your charging block, when it is in the wall while you’re changing, when you’re showering, when you’re driving. All the time.

    This absolutely fucking disgusts me to think that this has been in my house for this fucking long and I have not noticed. I am not afraid of him seeing how I treat my son, as he is very well taken care of. What I am upset about is the fact that I have been watched for months without knowing. I feel extremely violated. I could honestly puke.

    For months he’d say “I know more than you think I do” and I honestly just thought people were gossiping about me to him. Little did I know…

    To all the parents out there going through a custody battle: please be sure to check EVERYTHING that goes between your two homes so that you do not end up in this situation. Peeping toms don’t have to peek through your window anymore, they’re right inside your home without you even knowing.

    The police will be contacted, this will be dealt with and I will be sure to keep everyone updated.

    And to whom it may concern: you are a disgusting human being. This is disgusting and so fucking wrong! I hope you are ashamed of yourself!

    Update: I certainly did not expect this to blow up as much as it did! Unfortunately the RCMP are not going to do anything just yet, but we’re working on somehow getting him to be held accountable for his actions. At this point, as long as this doesn’t happen to anyone else, that is all that I care about! 💕

    If you or someone you know is in an unhealthy relationship please contact victim services toll free at 1-888-579-2888, you are not alone!

    Credit https://www.facebook.com/n.grypstra