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Years ago on Rendezvous with Simi Garewal, actress Rekha opened up about her complicated childhood and her parents’ – actor Gemini Ganesan and Pushpavalli’s – convoluted relationship. Rekha was a baby when Ganesan moved out of their home to marry actress Savitri.
Her relationship with Ganesan never evolved – or rather, was never truly formed – because he was almost entirely absent during her growing-up years. In the interview, Rekha acknowledged how the absence of a father figure affected her behaviour around men.
More often than not, such emotional ‘cracks’ remain hidden from the world. Affairs are rarely discussed openly because no one wants to expose the imperfections of an unhappy relationship. While discovering a spouse’s affair can be devastating for the partner, for children – whether young or grown up – the revelation can cause an upheaval of emotions that they may struggle to understand.
For a child who is in his teens or pre-teens and struggling with numerous things like puberty, peers, and relationships, the revelation of a parent’s affair can be a blow big enough to shape how the person grows up emotionally.
The emotional shockwave
Studies have shown that children who come from happy and supportive families often grow up to be jovial and well-adjusted adults. The same is not the case with children who hail from dysfunctional families. Psychologists say that a parent’s affair is not just about infidelity – it’s about the rupture of trust, stability, and identity.
Children often internalise the pain and betrayal, and it keeps them wondering: “Was I not enough to keep my family together?” This misplaced guilt can lead to long-term emotional patterns – hyper-independence, fear of intimacy, or even subconscious attempts to overcompensate in relationships.
Absy Sam, a counselling psychologist from Mumbai, explains, “If these emotions aren’t processed, they can manifest as anxiety, trust issues, or avoidance in future relationships.” Many children, especially teens, react with rebellion or perfectionism – either acting out to regain a sense of control or striving for flawlessness in hopes of keeping other relationships intact.
She adds that children may often take a parent’s affair personally, feeling that it happened because of them or something they did. This thought could eat them up internally and manifest in various ways, such as low self-esteem, trust issues, fear of abandonment, or difficulty forming healthy relationships.
The age factor: Does it change the impact?
Growing up, for any child, parents are their heroes. They visualise them as having the power to conquer anything in this world. When that idea shatters – be it for a child in his teens or pre-teens – the emotional damage is immense. A child’s age doesn’t necessarily determine the emotional impact, but older children might respond differently from younger ones.
“Emotional dysregulation is common,” says Sam.
- Children (9-12 years) might experience mood swings, concentration difficulties, or outbursts. They often experience confusion and instability. They might question themselves: “Did I do something wrong?”
- For teenagers, they tend to oscillate between anger and sadness, sometimes exhibiting defiance or detachment. Anxiety, relationship insecurities, and even hyper-independence can develop.
- Young adults and grown children can feel an existential loss, questioning whether their parents’ past love was ever real. They may also struggle to trust romantic partners in the future.
Discovering a parent’s infidelity as a young adult may seem easier to process, but the case is quite the opposite. Chandni Tugnait, psychotherapist and founder-director of Gateway of Healing, says, “At this stage of life, you’ve likely developed a mature understanding of relationships, loyalty, and trust, only to have those very beliefs shaken by someone you’ve always looked up to.”
“Regardless of age, trust issues are a major consequence,” says child psychologist Riddhi Doshi. “Many children emotionally disconnect from the parent who had the affair, and in some cases, develop lifelong anxiety about betrayal.”
A lot of times, a child’s innocence and trust can be manipulated by one parent to turn them against the other, especially in the context of an affair (like we saw in The Squid and the Whale). This can be a revenge move, but in the long run it can emotionally turn him ‘sinister.’
The social ripple effect
The worst is when the affair becomes public. The child may feel ashamed or embarrassed and start withdrawing from social gatherings. While on the outside they may put up a brave face, internally they are vulnerable. Some retreat into isolation, while others overcompensate – curating a picture-perfect image of their lives to counterbalance the chaos at home.
It’s common to see teenagers or young adults creating ‘aspirational’ social media lives, but internally, they are still struggling with trust and insecurity,” Doshi adds.
Emotional responses: What’s normal
The spectrum of emotions is vast, but the most common reactions include:
- Anger: “How could you do this to us?”
- Guilt: “Did I do enough to keep my family together?”
- Insecurity: “Are relationships ever truly safe?”
- Grief: The loss of the parent they once idealised.
Sometimes, it is not just manipulation; children often tend to take sides – especially when one parent has been affected by infidelity. They take sides, villainising one parent while feeling the need to protect the other. Others, in an attempt to cope, suppress their emotions, only for them to resurface in adult relationships.
So, what can parents do?
If an affair has come to light, it’s best that the parent takes responsibility for it. This means they are not just taking accountability for their actions but also for the emotional damage they have caused.
“One of the first steps is taking accountability – owning up to the hurt caused to the family and child. Parents should reinforce a sense of unconditional love, making sure the child knows they are deeply loved despite the situation,” says Sam.
“Adjusting the parent-child relationship to meet the child’s needs helps them feel included and supported,” she adds.
Around this time, if needed, therapy is recommended to help the child understand what is going on.
“Most importantly, if the affair is already known, do not make the child choose sides. Open conversations, rather than secrecy or blame, can help them process the situation in a healthier way,” Sam further mentions.
For a young adult, Dr Tugnait says, they must understand that a parent’s infidelity is their decision, not a reflection of them or their family’s values. So, it is important they remind themselves that the parent’s mistakes do not define their ability to have healthy, fulfilling relationships.
Breaking the cycle
For a child, nothing can be more devastating than seeing the parents they have idealised since childhood on the brink of a failing marriage. Here, the parents must take accountability for their actions. They need to understand that it is not just their relationship at stake but also a young life that may internalise the idea of a broken marriage and carry its burden into their own future.
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