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Tag: sex

  • Rude Joke Of The Day 1 Minute Read

    Rude joke of the day 1 minute read

    A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards.

    The little boy asked why he wore his collar that way. The man, who was a priest, said, ” I am a Father.”

    The little boy replied, “My Daddy doesn’t wear his collar like that.”

    The priest looked up from his book and answered, “I am the Father of many.”

    The boy said, “My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn’t wear his collar that way.”

    The priest, getting impatient, said, “I am the Father of hundreds” and went back to reading his book.

    The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said,”Maybe you should wear your pants backwards instead of your collar.”

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  • I Am Finally Coming Out, I Am Amicagender

    IM FINALLY COMING OUT

    I am Ambonec šŸ˜¶šŸ˜ which means I identify as both man and women yet neither at the same time āœ…

    Amicagender šŸ™ŒšŸ™Œ which means my gender changes depending on which friend Iā€™m with āœ…

    Iā€™m also biogender šŸ§šŸ§ which means I feel connected to nature in some way

    Caelgender šŸ‘āœ… which means I share qualities with outer space or I have the aesthetic of space, Stars and nebulas etc šŸ‘šŸ‘šŸ‘‘

    DO NOT MISS GENDER ME ANYONE! I have dealt with this my whole entire life šŸ¤™šŸ¤™ so here we go Iā€™m finally happy in my own skin! Please respect me ZAP /ZEP /ZAM PRONOUNS ONLY!āœ…šŸ¤šŸ¤ Thanks very much

    Full credit goes to Jacob nobles

    Ā Amicagender has also been defined as a synonym for bi gender . Ambonec:A non binary “gender identity in which you identify as both male and female, yet you also identify as neither, at the same time.” Amicagender: Coined by transmomoi in 2014. ” A gender that changes depending on which friend you’re with at the moment

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  • Alarm Wakes Ladies Up With An Orgasm

    A new alarm clock is on the market and it is aimed at the ladies, I suppose men could try it in a different area, you will understand what I mean in just a minute.

    This is an alarm clock with a huge difference not your normally, beeping and ding a lings, this super special clock is better than a cock, it will wake you up with an orgasm.

    The Little Rooster is designed for people with vaginas, you simply set the alarm for the designated time and slip it under your pajamas.

    The Little rooster alarm clock has thirty amazing settings to choose from the Little rooster alarm starts off on a gentle nice setting to wake you up and it slowly intensifies over 5 minutes, on a full charge the Little rooster can keep on stimulating you for up to 3 hours (whoop whoop).

    It also has a snooze function just like any other alarm clock,.

    The Little rooster company also suggests that couples use it to schedule foreplay and don’t panic a version for penises is coming soon although we are unsure of what this will be called, we would lie to suggest “morning-glory”.

    What would you call the male version of the Little rooster? Are you tempted to buy one or know some one who would benefit from this very happy morning call?

    Want to buy one? Take a look at their website https://www.littleroosterstore.com/products/little-rooster

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  • Bulls, Sex, Mr and Mrs, Hilarious Story

    My wife and I went to the auction martĀ in AmericaĀ the other week and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said,

    ‘THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR’

    My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs ……smiled and said, ‘He mated 50 times last year, that’s almost once a week.’

    We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said,

    ”THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR’

    My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, ‘WOW~~That’s more than twice a week ! ………..You could learn a lot from him.’

    We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters,

    ‘THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR

    ‘My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said,

    ‘That’s once a day ..You could REALLY learn something from this one.’

    I looked at her and said,

    ‘Go over and ask him if every time was with the same old cow.’

    My condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and I should eventually make a full recovery.

    Original source unknown x

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  • I Pay My Rent In A Way That Leaves Me Sobbing

    I am a lone parent to three beautiful children, Jenny, Angel and Johnny, their father left me 10 months ago for a woman he met at the gym, he walked away and hasn’t seen, spoken or financially supported his children.

    We were living in a rented house and I was granted income support and housing benefits plus disability payments for my Jenny who has autism and ADHD, but the housing payments didn’t cover all the rent, the only advice the housing officer gave me was to find somewhere cheaper to live.

    Each month I was Ā£75 short to cover the rent, no matter how much I budgeted or cut back I could never get all th money together, my landlord Richard come over and threatened me with eviction, where would we go if we lost the house? Jenny had only just gotten into a very good special needs school, she was settled and happier than I had ever seen her.

    All my children were still struggling with their father leaving them let alone having to move out of the only home they had ever known, possibly having to change schools and make new friends, I couldn’t do that to them.

    How would I be able to afford to move, I would never be able to get a deposit together, there are very few council properties available let alone one to fit me and 3 children in, changes are we would have been placed into a hostel or bed and breakfast, not somewhere I would want to raise 3 small children.

    I had no choice but to offer my body to my over weight middle-aged stinking landlord, he obviously accepted, every week on a Friday lunchtime he knocks on my door and I service his needs, I feel sick to my stomach every time I see him, I cry for ages after he has gone.

    A mother will do anything for her children and this is what I have to do, if there was another way to stay I would do it, but at the moment I am stuck, I am used, I am trying to be the best mother I can be.

  • No Sex For Husband Until Fortnite Goes

    For years I have known I would lose my husband to the football season, when the “game” is on I cannot speak to my other half as all I get is grunts and waving of his arms in response, he cannot look away from the screen and I lose my front room, not that I mind it gives me a chance to visit friends and watch what I want in my bedroom.

    Now football I understand he has always been a huge fan and I knew this when I first met himĀ and I have accepted this part of my life, after all its only 90 odd minutes.

    But a new trend has stolen my husband, a stupid game called Fortnite, my husband rages, screams, cries and acts like a 2-year-old who has dropped his ice cream when he doesn’t win, and celebrates his “victory royale” by recording his achievement and posting it on his Facebook.

    Before Fortnite came along his Facebook profile was full of pictures of us together or funny memes but now he’s become a bloody teenager and its super embarrassing.

    I as a grown woman will not raise my husband that was his mother’s job years ago, I cannot send him to his room when he has a temper tantrum but I can withhold all Sex until he grows up and gets off this stupid game!

    Fortnite is for kids, not grown men, with jobs and responsibilities at this rate we will never be able to make a baby as he’s too busy acting like a child himself.

    I have not “put out” for two weeks so far but I don’t think he has even noticed, this stupid game appears to give him all the things he needs, he gets rid of some testosterone andĀ gets his fill when he wins a game, sad, sad, sad I hope he grows out of it soon before I accidentally smash-up the Playstation.

  • Are You a Prude or a Sexpert?

    [os-widget path=”/ashleighsanderson/are-you-a-prude-or-a-sexpert” of=”ashleighsanderson” comments=”false”]

  • My Rockstar Addiction Ruined My Relationship

    My Rockstar drink addiction ruined my relationship

    I was a happily married guy to my dream girl, we met in June 2015 whilst working together doing night shifts as Tesco.

    After a year of dating we decided to move in together to be able to afford the rent I picked up extra shifts and some weeks I would work 7 nights at one point I worked 16 nights in a row.

    I was drained of energy, I just couldn’t get a decent amount of deep sleep during the day so drank Rockstar energy drinks to keep me awake at work.

    Things went on like this for a long time and it just seemed the norm, sleep and then drink Rockstar.

    My girlfriend and I decided we wanted to try for a baby I was so happy I had always wanted to be a father.

    We started trying a few months after but I had a problem I couldn’t finish I would stay erect for over an hour and would not cum.

    If I didn’t have an energy drink I couldn’t get it up but if I had one I couldn’t finish.

    After 3 months of failed sexual intercourse my girlfriend sat me down and said she felt like a failure like an ugly tramp, that I clearly didn’t fancy her anymore.

    I tried to explain it was the Rockstar drinks which were doing it to me and she laughed at me and asked if that were true why didn’t I just stop drinking them.

    But it just wasn’t that simple I needed them I was addicted to them, I couldn’t get through a day without one.

    Rockstar energy drinks have ruined my life, I now love back with my mum and see no way of getting off Rockstar a doctor would probably laugh at me.

    If you work nights please don’t drink this poison, I hate seeing teenagers and sometimes younger kids drinking them it is not worth the risk.

     

     

  • I Am Always Turned On My Child Couldn’t Even Hug Me

    I am always turned on

    My name is Marie and I’m 37 years old, I hit puberty at 12 and all was fine, the normal hormones, spots and mood swings.

    At the age of 17 I had my first child and that’s when things went wrong, within a month of giving birth I knew something was different.

    I was never satisfied, constantly moist and would orgasm with minimal effect.

    Now this may be a husband or boyfriends dream to have a wife or girlfriendĀ who is always up for it, but it took its toll on my relationship with my baby’s father and eventually he couldn’t take it anymore and moved out, he felt like he wasn’t good enough and couldn’t give me the amount of pleasure I desired.

    I am constantly moist, I have to wear panty liners and change them regularly, I am forever embarrassed and worst the fact that my child grew up not wanting to get too close to me after i picked her up and her foot touched me down below and I climaxed, she wouldn’t bring friends over in case they found out about my problem.

    I haven’t been in a relationship for years I have lost many friends and family due to my behaviour, sometimes I get so turned on I forget where I am and have to sort myself out, the urge just takes over no matter how hard I try to make it go away.

    My clitirious pulsates and throbs, I am forever horny I have seen countless doctors and specialists, been on multiple medications and therapies but none have yet to work.

    I am destined to be alone and shut off from people I am just hoping that when I hit the menopause it stops, I wish I could be normal, I wish it would go away, I’m fed up of being weird and only having online companions.

    I have Sexual addiction or hypersexuality it is not a laughing matter and I wish they could cure me

     

  • I’m Not Ashamed Of Making Easy Money

    Back in 2015 I was a lone parent to two young children, I was scrapping by on benefits, every week was a struggle to pay the bills and put food on the table.

    I had applied for job after job but nothing that fitted in with my childcare.

    Then I scrolled through my timeline on Facebook and saw an advert for female phone sex operators.

    Curious about the whole thing I asked for details and everything they said sounded so easy but i was l unsure.

    Five days later a phone came for me by recorded delivery, it was just a cheap Tesco own phone.

    An advert wasĀ  then placed in “men magazines” and cards placed in phone boxes, a profile was created for me on a website I was known as Busty Beth, the photo they used was of a busty tall attractive blonde, not theĀ 27-year-old 5 foot, chubby mum.

    A few ys later my phone was activated and I received my first call in the early evening, it was so simple, I would be standing ironing and telling the man down the line all the naughty things I was doing, and make groaning noises, the longer he stayed on the line the more i got paid.

    I would describe my sexy lingerie and high-heeled boots, all whilst standing in my fleecy onesie covered in polar bears Ā and over sized dressing gown.

    After a month I began getting regular calls and many men would call over and over again.

    I worked my way off all benefits, didn’t even get tax credits I was earning so much.

    It’s been two years now and I’m not rich but I’m very comfortable and don’t even need to leave the house to make money.

    I am not ashamed of how I make my living after all who would turn down easy money šŸ’°