Tag: mumsadvice

  • Biff And Chip On Home Schooling

    This is Biff.

    This is Chip.

    This is Biff and Chip’s homework.

    Biff and Chip are required to write down ten examples of fronted adverbials.

    Biff and Chip have not a fucking clue what a fronted adverbial is.

    This is Mum.

    Mum has not a fucking clue what a fronted adverbial is either.

    “We don’t know what a fronted adverbial is,” whinge Biff and Chip. “This homework is impossible. You will have to help us.”

    “It’s not my homework, it’s your homework,” says Mum, thanking her lucky stars that she did not have to engage in any of this fronted adverbial bollocks when she was at school.

    This is Dad.

    Dad still struggles to distinguish between a noun and a verb, and would not know a fronted adverbial if one came up and punched him in the face.

    Biff and Chip think for a moment about asking Dad for help.

    They decide to Google instead.

    This is Mrs May.

    When Mrs May went into teaching she honestly believed she would be able to spend her time helping children to love learning. And putting on plays. Mrs May loves a play. She did not realise that a love of learning would not feature on the National Curriculum at all, and that she would instead be forced to meet a series of impossible and continuously moving goalposts which successive governments would put in place, and have to teach her classes about ridiculous concepts such as fronted adverbials which, in all honesty, are only ever likely to be of use if they end up becoming professors of linguistics. Or primary school teachers.

    If truth be told, Mrs May has not a fucking clue what a fronted adverbial is either.

    This is Floppy the dog.

    Floppy holds no truck with fronted adverbials.

    Floppy eats the fronted adverbial homework sheet.

    Floppy knows that he is a fucking liability, and waits to be told so.

    No one is more surprised than Floppy when the entire family gather around and tell him “Oh GOOD dog Floppy.”

    Floppy feels this is proof positive that some good can come from fronted adverbials after all.

    Later at school, Biff and Chip are, for the first time, able to legitimately use the excuse: “My dog ate my homework.”

    Mrs May breathes a secret sigh of relief that that is one less set of incomprehensible and entirely incorrect homework that she has to plough through, and suggests to the class that they will all put on a play instead to celebrate.

    Hang in there homeschoolers 🤣🤣

  • Dear Mr.Wicks

    Dear Mr Wicks,

    I appreciate everything you are trying to do with your ‘P.E. with Joe’ lessons every morning, but I do have some constructive criticism, if you wouldn’t mind taking it on board for future lessons:

    1. Stop pretending your target audience is the kids. I know this is meant to be in lieu of the P.E. lessons they would ordinarily be having at school, but most of them gave up on Monday (I know ours did), so the sooner you realise your audience is mostly made up of flabby middle-aged folk like me, who are only taking part because it is a welcome distraction from their own children / trying to work from home / watching daytime TV while eating biscuits by the packet, the better.
    2. With that in mind, I have some recommendations for those of us who are badly out of shape and unaccustomed to fitness work-outs. While I suspect the women taking part have had the good sense to put on a sports bra each morning, a reminder for the men to perhaps wear something ‘secure’ downstairs wouldn’t go amiss. I mistakenly took part in my loose fitting pyjama shorts this morning, and to say my junk was behaving erratically would be an understatement (especially during the ‘bunny hops’, where I honestly thought my wife was going to be sick in her mouth).
    3. A similar warning for those of us over six foot tall would also be welcome. It’s all well and good getting us to ‘jump up and reach for the stars’, but I very nearly punched an LED spotlight clean off our ceiling this morning, and those fuckers aren’t cheap.
    4. Equally, if you do acknowledge that most of us are not children, I suspect the ‘bunny hops’ and ‘kangaroo jumps’ may cease anyway, but, if they do continue, please warn us to do little jumps, as I alternated this morning between hitting my head on the ceiling, and sending my colossal weight crashing through the living room floorboards each time I landed.
    5. That said, I quite liked the Spiderman moves (even though I couldn’t get my knee all the way to the floor, so I looked less like Spiderman, and more like a geriatric pensioner bowling), but please bear in mind that advising us to jump up and bounce off the wall to our right only works if we actually have a wall next to us. I had an open door and, in the heat of the moment, I damn near went down the fucking stairs.

    Other than that, keep up the good work, and I’m sorry for calling you a ‘sadistic cockney bellend’ half way through the workout.

    Yours

    MR x

    Credit https://www.facebook.com/middlerageddad/

  • Boris A Little Poem

    I’ve written a poem.

    Really not trying to belittle or trivialise what is happening right now. I just wanted to get a few bits and bobs off my chest and this works for me.

    Boris.

    I’ve wrote a little poem
    I hope it doesn’t suck
    I hope that you don’t roll your eyes
    And mutter ‘What the fuck?’

    I didn’t vote for Boris
    But he’s not as bad as Blair
    At least he’s no war criminal
    But I wish he’d brush his hair

    I watch him on my phone
    Which makes me squint like mad
    Cos that little shit Dempsey
    Has nicked my iPad

    I watch it in the kitchen
    Whilst I’m doing dinner
    Puts me off my fucking food
    But at least I’m getting thinner

    I’ve got loads of questions
    Like can we test, test, test?
    But Boris goes ‘Nah fuck off mate’
    We didn’t invest, vest, vest.

    But he’s done a deal for ventilators
    A 30 million pound hit
    Hope they’re better than Dyson’s vacuums
    ‘Cos they are fucking shit.

    This situation makes me sad
    It’s beyond my comprehension
    I hope my poem makes you laugh
    And eases just a little bit of tension.

    Credit https://www.facebook.com/themadramblings1/

  • For All You Mamas Who Can’t Have A Photographer At Your Birth

    For all of you mamas that are unable to have a photographer at your birth or fresh 48, here are some helpful hints for you to take great photos on your phone or with your own camera!

    -Take them during the day when there is plenty of window light.

    -TURN OFF the hospital lights! Use the window light only, if you can!

    -Position your baby facing the light coming through the window.

    -Don’t shoot towards the window. Shoot with the window to your side or to your back, but be careful not to block the light coming through!

    • Don’t photograph aiming up the babies nose. Shoot down, from above or the side of the baby.
    • Get close! Thats where the details are! Fresh skin and tiny fingers and toes are important!

    -Download the Lightroom App on your phone and edit your photos there!

    Saw this on another photographers page this morning and thought it was a great idea!

    I wanted to also add:

    Ask your nurse to swaddle the baby for you. NURSES ARE THE BEST SWADDLERS!

    TAG your expecting mama friends!

    We ALL, professionals and individuals, should be doing our part to help one another. Giving advice, lending a helping hand, and doing what is best for one another. This post was not created to gain business, or promote my business in anyway. Just to share a wonderful idea that another photographer had. By adding tips, and taking out some things I wouldn’t do personally, was a way for me to reach out and help the expecting mothers in my community!

    Credit https://www.facebook.com/gracefuldesignsphotography/

  • A Message To All Those People Bulk Buying

    A message to all those people bulk buying:
    Your a bunch of thick selfish TWATS!
    *Toilet paper – the virus gives you a cold – not the shits!
    *Hand sanitizer & hand wash – WTF did none of you wash your hands before this?? I mean seriously no wonder this virus and others have spread your a bunch of dirty bastards!
    *Dry Store goods – 10+ packs of pasta, tins food etc REALLY!!!! I hope you get to your 4th bag and cant stomach it anymore.

    If people stuck to there normal shopping we wouldn’t have a crisis with stock! I’m 100% GLAD that ppl now realise they should be washing there hands, but you do realise its COMMON SENSE!

    On another note thank you for buying all the paracetamol, cold medication etc now I can suffer with out any aid!! My children who generally need pain relief on a regular basis can now just suck it up as DICKHEADS have more then they actually need.

    For those that are now learning that washing your hands is a good idea, well done! A* for you. BUT you didn’t need a whole frigging shops worth!!!

    IF THIS HAS OFFENED ANYONE – GOOD! YOUR DEFO THE TWATS IM ON ABOUT!!

  • There Are Still Great People In This World

    “My husband and I were in the ER and an elderly lady was wheeled out to leave. She told the receptionist she had no family or ride home. I was saddened to see some (not all) of the employees lack of concern as to how she would get home.

    All of the sudden this AMAZING gentleman who had been waiting with his wife approached the lady and told her he would gladly take her home. This man not knowing her or having a clue where she lived volunteered his time to care of this lovely woman. She offered to pay but he kindly declined like any good man would. As he went to get his truck I wheeled her out and put her in the vehicle.

    As I watched them drive away my only thoughts were ‘there are still great people in this world’ ‘and ‘We have to care for our elders like this nice man.’ I did get a little info from his wife. His name is Jeffery and he is military here at Ft.Campbell KY.

    Not only does this man serve our great country, he serves his great little community. I just wanted to give a little recognition and respect to this man. Jeffery, if you see this, just know your deeds are recognized and appreciated by your community. Thank you Sir for serving our country and our community.”

    Credit: Ashley Cherry

  • The Effects Of County Line Drug Dealers

    WARNING PICS AREN’T PLEASANT TO LOOK AT!!!!
    I can’t say too much but I need to warn people of the effects of these county lines drug dealers and how they behave towards you if you don’t do as they say!!! Please please keep your children safe!

    If they all of a sudden start getting new designer items or disappear for days and seem to have money, new trainers or even start to behave differently please talk to them without judging and let them know they can come to you with anything.

    Please for the people who aren’t grossed out by the pics please show them to your kids and show these people don’t care! Right now 3 of these people are on remand looking at life sentences yet they’re only kids themselves 20, 18 and 17.

    I feel for their mothers but no mother should have to be put through being told your child is in a bad way mikes away from home. I wasn’t going to put anything on here however after speaking to a friend last night she made me think that us mums need to know what’s going on out there on the streets. If you see anything dodgy trust your instincts!! I apologise for the pics again but I’m hoping they’ll save someone someday 🙏🙏🙏.

    Hold your kids close, I nearly lost mine 😢 but thank god I didn’t! He’ll be scarred for life and his left hand will never get back to normal. For my friends in my local area these boys are hunting the villages for kids to sell for them! I know we can’t watch them 24/7 but try and make them understand what’s going on around them

    Credit https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100009958625715

  • How Do You Think You’re Doing As A Mum?

    God: How do you think you’re doing as a mom?

    Mom: Well I don’t play with my kids as much as I should. I get grumpy. Yesterday they ate pizza for the second time this week. I don’t really like cooking together or crafts, but I wish I did.

    Sometimes I do it anyway, but mostly I’m just trying not to get annoyed. My house is like one giant clothes and crumb explosion. I really should have them keep their rooms cleaner, but sometimes I just don’t want to pick another battle. I’m not really sure when the last time my second son bathed was. That’s probably not good.

    Yesterday I snapped over a cliff bar wrapper that no one was cleaning up. Sometimes I worry because they bicker a lot, like is that my fault? Did I do something wrong? At night I’m so tired I fall into the couch and watch shows and eat snacks until I can’t keep my eyes open anymore. When I lay in bed I find myself wondering if they all are brushing their teeth well enough.

    I’m too hard on the oldest and too lenient with the youngest. I love our dinnertime discussions and I just can’t get enough of their laughs and the way they tell stories. Sometimes when they’re talking though I’m not really listening I’m worrying about something completely different, I think they can tell. I wonder all the time if I’m doing a good job and if they know how much I love them.

    God: Do you love them?

    Mom: With my whole entire heart.

    God: You sound wonderful.


    Follow Wonderoak by Jess Johnston for more real, raw, an funny.

  • Couple Accused Of Murdering Baby Holly

    Tiffany Tate, 21, and her partner Michael Roe, 32, are accused of murdering their daughter Holly Roe at home in Crowborough, East Sussex.


    Holly died in hospital after paramedics were called to Tate’s house on report of a baby in cardiac arrest on September 10 2018, Lewes Crown Court was told.
    A post-mortem examination later found Holly had suffered multiple “shaking” injuries and died as a result of a traumatic head injury.


    Her parents deny murder, but Roe told cops that he heard Tate say: “Sometimes she frustrates me so much I could throw her up against the wall. I’ve had her ready in my hands to do it”, jurors were told.
    Holly was found to have a catalogue of historic injuries including 12 rib fractures both front and back, haemorrhages in the brain, spine and both eyes.

    Some of the injuries were said to have been fresh while others may have happened up to several weeks earlier.
    Sally Howes QC told the court Tate had trouble bonding with her baby.
    The couple also struggled to feed her – with Holly frequently vomiting through her nose and mouth.
    Tate is said to have lost patience with her daughter and eventually passed on night feeds to her partner.

    Tate told police she once came home and found Holly “barking like a seal”.
    While Roe allegedly told her “I think her airways are closing” and Holly then stopped breathing.
    Roe did mouth to mouth and Holly was then fine.
    When Roe was interviewed by police he claimed Tate had struggled looking after the baby.


    He told officers he once heard her in the living room saying: “Why won’t you take this? Why won’t you do this for me? Why won’t you take this f*g bottle?”
    On the day before she died Roe later said that during the day she was “a bit pale” and “her eyes were rolling quite a lot – one was going one way, one was going the other”.
    Both parents had already raised this as a concern with the health visitor who had reassured them this was caused by wind.


    Overall, Michael Roe described Holly that Sunday as a “happy, gurgly baby” and “happy, happy Holly being herself”.
    That night he looked after the baby and he bottle fed her as normal as Tate went to bed to sleep.
    She later told investigators: “As soon as I went to bed, my head hit the pillow, that was it, I was asleep”.
    Roe wept in the dock as the court was told he later went to bed, placed Holly in her Moses basket and went to sleep himself.
    The jury heard Roe was later to tell the police “Something startled me and I woke up”.


    Miss Howes QC said: “He felt Holly’s head and it was cold. He then felt her chest which felt warm. He carried out a test for reflex – there was none.”
    The court heard he woke Tate, gave Holly two rescue breaths to which she did not respond and then rang the emergency services for an ambulance.
    Post mortem examinations found several historic brain bleeds, tears and bruising and traumatic injury to the spinal cord.
    Lewes Crown Court heard subdural haemorrhages are a marker for traumatic brain injury and is consistent with violent movement of the head leading to a rupture of the blood vessels.


    Pathologist Professor Safa Al-Sarraj, who examined Holly’s brain and spine found injuries from at least three different occasions from 48 hours before death to several weeks.
    Miss Howes said: “It is the opinion of Professor Al-Sarraj that the pattern and extent of injuries in this case are those of non-accidental and abusive head trauma.”
    Dr. Jo McPartland, a consultant paediatric pathologist, found bleeding in the eyes and optic nerves.
    Roe and Tate deny murder and causing or allowing the death of a child. Both deny all charges.

  • Please Stop Bed Sharing

    This absolutely angers me after 1st baby died she was then told of dangers of risks told to STOP bed sharing. Told about safe sleep.
    Then just over a week later 11 days think is she calls emergency response AGAIN and AGAIN her second twin DIED AGAIN she was bed sharing!! She even LIED to start with after first died said they sleep in their cribs so in my opinion she already knew dangers, else why lie and pretend they were in cribs.

    Autopsy for both show’s asphyxiation she lay on both according to reports that’s is NOT SIDS so think her defense team need brush up on what babies get classed as SIDS . As that’s their apparent argument 🤦‍♀️

    She deserves all she gets that maybe harsh but one babies death is sad can even be uneducated ect but TWO after being specifically told dangers and not told told about safe sleep safety ect is NEGLECT . An both parents also believed to be high and DO take
    Suboxone on prescription. So again NEGLECT due to drugs . An babies also premature another risk that increases sleep related deaths even those who are big advocates state premature babies shouldn’t bed share.

    As a mum who was uneducated young ect after Lewis died before even being told anything on safe sleep when pregnant with connor I knew without a shadow of a doubt I would NEVER bed share again with any future children guilt even after I learned I DIDNT kill him even today still remains.

    When will parents learn ESPECIALLY in cases drink drugs are ANY risk factors are present two sweet innocent babies 😭

    https://www.google.com/amp/www.wktv.com/templates/AMP%3fcontentID=568405371

    Fly high sweet precious little ones together on earth together as angels.Together forever ❤ Bonde and Liam❤

    Credit https://www.facebook.com/SafesleepForLewis/