Welcome to Mums Advice

Tag: friends

  • Be Kind To The New Mum In Your Playgroup

    When you see a new mum come into your playgroup, and she stands away from everyone because she’s new. Talk to her. Talk to her the next three times you see her, because for her, she’s come into a new environment where everyone has their own click, and she’s overwhelmed… but she’s come there to make friends because she wants to connect with other mums. She spent the morning rushing to get there, trying to look like she’s got it together and that she’s not petrified. Talk to her. Sure, she might not live in your area, go to your social events, be the same nationality whatever, but that’s the beauty of getting to know someone new.

    If that mother at mothers group keeps cancelling on you but always reschedules, keep trying, keep trying at least three more times and tell her it’ll be okay to catch up. She might be riddled with anxiety and not coping, your persistence could save her sanity and make her feel loved.

    If a mum smiles at you at the park, smile back. Talk to her, make a friend, she doesn’t have to baptise your child but now you both have someone to go to the park with. You both don’t have to feel alone on days its relentless. You both can help each other watch your kids together and it’ll feel so much easier.

    If your mum friend hasn’t been herself lately, and doesn’t want to do anything, go to her house, bring her some coffee and wine and chocolate, xanax, whatever, and tell her she’s got this, tell her she’s not alone. That not matter what motherhood throws at her, that you’ll do it together. Go do her dishes and insist, INSIST she eats pizza with you while the kids destroy the house and give her a big hug.

    All these mums might have woken up today saying I can’t do this, I have no one and I’m a failure, they might have been up all night with a restless baby, a teething toddler or whatever. They might think they are the worst mum in the world, but on a day where someone has given them some warmth, someone has given them a little encouragement and a little love, it’ll make them feel like a million bucks.

    I’ve been all of these mums in all of these occasions and some days I needed to be rescued, some days I pushed back hard, some days I hated that I felt I was the only one who wasn’t coping and all I needed was someone to reach out, and when they did, I felt like a million bucks.

    Motherhood is hard, its beautiful and rewarding, its many things, but it’s hard and heartbreaking sometimes. It’s not always a network of people helping us out, some days we are all have. Sometimes all the days we are all we have, no village, no family, no one. So make a friend, keep that play date, make those plans and keep them, introduce new mums to your friends too.

    We don’t have to compete we just have to love and tell that mother who deserves to hear it, that she’s not invisible, that’s she’s not alone, and that she is doing a wonderful job and we have her back!

    Full credit to the amazing Laura Mazza-Mum on the run, check out her Facebook page https://facebook.com/themumontherun/

  • I Am So Done With Helping Others

    I am so done with helping others.

    All my life I have sacrificed the things I want or need in life to help others.

    You want me to look after your children as you have to work, no problem I’ll change my plans to have them.

    You need a lift to the supermarket, not an issue, I’ll use my petrol to take you, doesn’t matter that it means I’ll have to tighten my budget that week, after all we are friends.

    You need someone to help with your child’s football team, of course I’ll help, I’ll take all the complaints because little Jimmy didn’t play a whole match or it will be my fault the team lost, I’m sorry I was trying my best.

    Lend you some money, yeah not an issue I know you are struggling just the same as me, friends will go without for each other.

    This is how I used to be, first to volunteer to help, first to be there for everyone, never thinking of how it was affecting my own life.

    However I have come to realise I can never do enough for some people, they will always take more and more until I have nothing left and then throw me away.

    I will not volunteer to help with any sports or events to then receive complaints and moans from those who wouldn’t step up to the plate ever!

    I am done, it is over, I do for me now and me alone, for those I have helped would never help me in return.

    I am so happy in my selfish, lonesome, happy, bitchy free zone. Welcome to freedom any one want to come along for the ride?

    I still help two friends who would walk over hot coals for me but I have cleared myself of all the fake mates

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  • I’m A Mum Who Doesn’t Like Children

    Anyone else a Mum that does not really like kids? Everyone falls over in shock when I say this, so let me clarify.

    I love my three kids dearly, and a handful of my friend’s kids, but as a general rule, no, I do not really like children.

    Having extra kids over my house stresses me out. They are super needy, messy and get on my nerves the entire time, it seems to me that other people’s children seem to be louder, ruder and far more annoying than my own flesh and blood.

    I prefer the company of adults. I love mine and I enjoy watching them grow up, but I can also tell them when they are being little assholes and to knock it off. I can’t tell your kids that, also my kids know my look, you know the special mum look that says pack it in or you’re in trouble.

    I do not have sympathy for the mother whose child is having a tantrum in the shop, I tend to tut and move away, I do not judge the mothers parenting but my god are the screams of your damn child annoying, please take it home.

    When I dine out I pick a table as far away from children as possible and will happily move tables if a young family sits near by.

    It’s not that I hate children, I just don’t want to look after others kids or spend any time with them, I do not coo over babies and don’t find it cute or funny when a child pulls a face at me.

    Surely I cannot be the only mum who only likes their own children, I love my trio and enjoy watching them grow, but keep your kids away from me, thanks very much

  • Seriously Though How Do You Even Make Friends As An Adult

    Seriously though, how do you even make friends as an adult.

    If only it was as simple as when I were a child, run up to someone and say hey want to play and then you would run around and within an afternoon they ere your best friend forever, or simply get chatting about what they have in their lunch box and then every lunchtime you would sit together no matter what.

    People would think me mad if I walked up to someone in Costa and asked to sit and discuss their caffeine requirements and asked if they wanted to compare Candy crush levels, or invited them round for tea ad biscuits.

    The friends I do have are amazing but obviously busy with their lives too, many have moved away and although we all make an effort to visit, it is only maybe once or twice a year.

    I need a geographical friend, someone just up the road or a 10 minute drive away, someone just to chat crap with and whine about my partner, someone to rely on and them on me.

    I miss laughing til wee runs down my leg, I miss commenting on others sense of style, and people commenting on mine, I need banter in my life, I want to chat about fanny farts and period pains, okay maybe this is one of the reasons I don’t have many friends.

    I just don’t know how to connect with people any more, so tell me people of Mums advice how the hell do you make friends when you are a grown ass woman who still giggles at the sound of farts?

  • Before I Had Kids, I Was A Social Butterfly

    Before I had kids, I was a social butterfly. I had all kinds friends & was invited to everything. I was available to hang, I would always drive over to someone’s house to hang out. It was a good time. I was available. I had no responsibilities. People used that to their advantage.

    Fast forward to being married with children. Life changes. I have priorities. I can’t just “come hangout”. The babies have nap routines, I have school pickups, the kids have sports. I have to find time for my husband. I need to clean, cook & do loads on top of loads of laundry. I’ve become socially awkward because I don’t get much adult interaction, I spend my days watching Paw Patrol & Bubble Puppies.

    Let’s not forget about those who work a lot with or without kids or a spouse. Trying to make it, working overtime. Single people, single parents or even married couples on one income. Shoot, in 2018, married couples on 2 incomes have to work to death because well, it’s expensive to live, bosses work you to death & well, taxes (imagine if we actually got to take home our gross pay, not the after tax net 😒)

    I’m not available anymore. I’m not the fun, free person you knew… my fun style has shifted. I’m not of use anymore to some. Friendships start fading away & disappearing. You hear “oh you never come out and have fun”, “I never see you anymore”. Yes, you are right. You don’t. Because I stopped coming to you, but did you know it would both ways? You can actually come to me? Maybe, come to my house and visit me. Come see the kids, come to a game.

    Hanging out and being friends doesn’t mean you can only be kid free to hang. It doesn’t mean drinking & partying is the only way to have fun. (Yes, sometimes a kid free night is good) Finding friends who understand your priorities is the best thing. Friends who understand that life happens and you may not talk or see each other for weeks or months but when you do, you pick right up where you left off.

    Your circle WILL change. Your circle WILL become smaller and that’s ok. Remember, it’s the quality of your friendships, not the quantity of friends!

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  • comforting my friends

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  • how i feel around my friends

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  • did we just become best friends

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  • Don’t Be Like Me Appreciate Your Wife

    I was married, had been with my wife for 15 years. Then I left her 2 months short of our 10 year wedding anniversary.

    We were parents to two beautiful children, who are in their late teens now, but were only seven and nine years old when I walked out.

    I travelled for work, stayed in a different hotel at least three nights a week. That’s how I met Eve*.

    We got to know each other over time. We became Facebook friends. We sent messages to each other all day and night. She was also married, also had two kids. We had so much in common, we soon fell in love. I felt like she ‘got’ me.

    This was all during a very trying time in my marriage. I wasn’t happy, I didn’t look forward to going home. My wife had put on weight, we hardly ever spoke, she always looked so miserable.

    Little did I realise that I was the reason she was so down and depressed. I didn’t pay her any attention. I took her for granted. I was too busy wishing my life was more exciting, being romanced online, spending all of my free time thinking how I could get out.

    I believed she didn’t love me. I convinced myself she never cared about me or my needs and wants and wishes, that all I was was a paycheck.

    She spent her free time taking care of us — our kids, making our suppers, doing out washing, making lunches, doing homework, projects, shuttling kids to sport, taking care of the pets they loved so much, their friends, and had a job of her own on top of it all.

    Every time she spoke to me, all I heard was nagging and whining. But she was actually begging for my attention: a weekend away, a date night, a movie — everything I ended up doing with Eve behind her back and after I left my family.

    We argued and fought because we felt unheard by the other. And yet that was all we actually had to do – LISTEN – to each other!

    I moved to another province with Eve. My now ex-wife got custody of our kids. I saw them every second weekend, the usual ‘Dad’ set up.

    New beginnings

    Life was sweet!

    Eve and I had an amazing sex life. A connection I believed I never had with my ex. We had a large circle of friends. My family loved her. My kids liked her.

    But my ex could never bring herself to meet Eve – she felt betrayed. I hated her even more! She was childish. She was mean. She never cared about me or my happiness. I didn’t care about my ex’s feelings when I posted photos of us on Facebook… I had Eve and a whole new life and it was fantastic!

    We were together for about six or seven years but never married – we believed marriage was not our thing.

    I believed that after 15 years with my ex, we’d given it all we could and our time together was up, there was nothing we could do to salvage our relationship or marriage. Eve was my future, Eve was who I should have been with all along.

    Eventually, no matter how well we got along in the beginning; no matter how well I thought she “got” me; no matter how good the sex was; the “honeymoon” came to an end.

    Eve and I started snapping at each other. Little fights here and there. I had a moment of pure realisation one night, at about 2am.

    I realised that I missed the woman who created my first home and family. I realised that if I’d treated my ex-wife the way I’d treated Eve, used the hours I spend woo-ing Eve on my ex, she’d have bloomed.

    If I’d stopped being negative about her and our relationship to my family and friends they wouldn’t have been so negative to her and she wouldn’t have pulled into herself and shied away.

    She became someone I convinced myself I no longer knew or got along with because I never gave her the time and affection and attention she craved and deserved.

    I thought I had, but when I got down and really thought about it I never really did. I never really let her in. I had ended my marriage years before with the simple decision that she was no longer who or what I wanted. And I’d convinced my family and friends the same – that she was no good for me!

    Regret sets in

    But I was wrong. I missed the best years of my kids lives. Missed being a family with them. I let their mother battle with raising them alone. Yes I helped financially, but a man living outside his family has no real idea what the costs are on the single mother. While Eve and I ate steaks on the weekends, my ex-wife was living on egg and toast.

    And do you know that she never complained? She never demanded more money out of me. She never stopped me from seeing the kids. Never said no if I changed plans on her at the last-minute. She gave up her weekends so that my mother could spend time with her grandchildren. She left me to get on with my life with Eve, even though it must have killed her.

    Like any relationship, it had started out good – great in fact – but when it go bad I decided to leave… I walked out and divorced a woman who – and I can only see this now – would have done anything for me. But I’d told myself she wouldn’t or couldn’t.

    My ex-wife stayed single for 8 years. She dated but never got involved. Her being single was also a kind of affirmation for me – that no one wanted her – that everything I’d decided she lacked, so did other men… She actually stayed single to focus on our children.

    Too late

    And then came the day she met Craig. I never thought it would bug me in any way if she got a boyfriend. I thought it would be great! But I was very wrong. I felt hurt. I felt jealous. I even felt angry and maybe betrayed.

    She moved in with Craig, along with my kids. She set up a new home. A new family, with my kids… it was a very bitter pill to swallow.

    I finally understood how she’d felt all these years. And it felt rotten.

    I watched via Facebook and through conversations with our old mutual friends how Craig spoiled her and the kids. Their weekends were spent on the beach – he surfed with my son. They went hiking in the Burg. They went to Mauritius where he proposed on a kayak and she said yes — they got married.

    My daughter was a bridesmaid. My son was a groomsman. Craig’s parents and brother welcomed my ex-wife and children into their family. They told everyone how blessed they were to be gaining them as family.

    She glowed with happiness. She radiated love and none of it was for me! My heart-felt like it had been ripped out.

    It should have been me.

    Don’t be me. You think you will never be happy when you are in a rut. It is when you are there at your darkest that you need to grip down and try your hardest.

    Today I live alone and still only see my kids occasionally. They are big now and harbour anger towards me for leaving them and their mother. Who can blame them?

    Of all the things Eve was, she was never the mother of my children – my original true love.”

    “HOPE this helps a few marriages, Love and appreciate a Good woman”.

    Credit: #Allos_of_Mr_Lakusu