Tag: blog
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Here Are Some Reasons NOT To Have Children
If anyone here doesn’t have children and are thinking about procreation here’s about 264 reasons not to bother
* you will on average fill yourself a bath up 4 times a week and never get to get in it
* you will never ever have the chance to get yourself ready. One of your darling womb fruits will either shit themself puke on themselves puke on anything in a 6 metre radius and play in it thus spreading vomit around like the flu virus and putting pukey hand prints on unironed clothes you’ve laid out for yourself
* your house will never be tidy. Imagine there’s an actual tornado twirling around your lounge dragging debris from your draws and under your sofa and you’re trying to pick it up and put it back but it just twirls and whirls and rips it all to pieces again
* you wont ever be able to have a shit in peace. Not ever. The door will open and close on a loop the whole time you’re in there for a variety of reasons. The baby has fallen the cat is biting me where’s my bag
*you’ll somehow find the time to have your hair done, promising to have it done every few months to keep on top of it. 7 months later you have 4 inches of dark root regrowth and the best you can do is put it into a pony tail looking like a crystal meth addict
* your dressing gown will be your best friend. Its raining and the bins need taking out put your dressing gown on. Youve left something in the car from a week last Wednesday that someone really needs, put your dressing gown on. Someone really upsets you, put your dressing gown on. And so on
* toilet roll. Youre probably best off joining Costco and bulk buying it weekly, if you don’t on day 3 you’ll be pretty sure people who don’t live here are coming in purely to wipe their arse holes
* sleep. Now if you like sleep you’ll never get any ever again. Probably only counts if you’re the actual mother fathers don’t seem to have any trouble sleeping at all. Love them. You’ll be awake probably 5 out of the 7 hours you’re up there, finding dummys comfort blankets patting bottoms shooshing arrrrring and having little stubby fingers poked in your eyes. You finally manage to shut your eyes and some other fucker will make a god awful noise outside the door and you’ll start the whole process over again. Only for a about 7 years so don’t panic
* laundry. Theres no such thing as a bottom of a washing basket. You’ll be utterly convinced people live in your house you’ve never met. Everyone will complain they have no clothes yet you spend 17 hours a day washing it drying it and putting it away.
* food shopping. It cost the national debt. Dont think you’re being super clever by swapping certain brands for cheaper alternatives. The little fucking bastards can tell the difference immediately and you’re left with 36 fish fingers that no fucker will eat. Same applies to jam and peanut butter and pretty much everything else
* leaving the house on time. Just forget it. You’ll plan to meet a friend for coffee at 11 and have to txt 36 times to put it back half an hour and by the time you’re ready its the following friday. The fleshy baby mammal will do a massive shit all up its back. It’ll puke projectile after ramming the tail of a dinosaur down its throat itll be hungry and then refuse to eat it so you offer it something else. You would have no doubt forgotten to do its fucking bottle because you’ve had a list of things to do longer than fucking schindlers
* Don’t bother buying new furniture or new anything actually. They will fucking destroy it with sticky shit wet shit chocolate shit dinner shit and any other shit they can get their mischievous fat hands on
* your car will resemble some kind of mobile recycling bin and if anyone else gets in they’ll subtly push the carnage aside with their feet. You will give up apologising. You either want a fucking lift or you don’t.
Theres more but ive obviously ran out of time
Youre welcome
Full credit: Charlotte Blake
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Guide To Understanding Essex Speech
Guide To Understanding Essex Speech
Ever wanted to be able to speak and understand the Essex folk well look no further here is an easy guide to help you on your way to speaking fluent Essex
Alma chizzit.. a request to ascertain the price of an item.
Amant.. quantity; sum total
Awss.. Four legged animal you can ride on
Corta panda.. a large hamburger
Corta panda wiv cheez.. a large hamburger with a plastic slice of cheese
Dan ill.. in the direction of the bottom of an incline
Dohyawanna… Would you like to attend the evnt with me
Effix.. moral principles
Eye eels.. women’s footwear which increases their height
Fanx… an expression of gratitude
Fink… To ponder
Furrok… the location of Lakeside shopping centre
Garrij… urban music genre
Ibeefa… popular holiday island to party
Janarta meen… do you understand my sentiments
Lafarjik… lacking in energy
Mow tar.. a vehicle
Saffend… costal resort with the longest pier in the world
Tan.. the city of London
Warta… clear liquid which comes from a tap
Wodja Kowl it.. requesting the name of an item or a term in which to refer
Wodja rekkun… what are your thoughts on the matter
Webbats… querying the location of something
Yafta.. you are obliged
yuno… do you understand what I am saying
Zibbit… request for you to be quiet
Now you can speak Essex, please help your fellow man and add any more translations into the comment section.
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You Waking Up This Morning Was For A Reason
I woke up this morning with oxygen in my lungs, full health and in no amount of pain. As did most of you, you went to bed, you went to sleep but you awoke, you are alive you are here.
You may be sad, you may be tired, you may have a lot in your life that you are not happy with, but think of this, what would have happened if you didn’t awake today?
Who would care for your child, how would they cope without you, you are a gift, you are a miracle, you are a hero and role model to your child, you are their entire life.
Whatever is going on in your own life there is a little person who needs you more than anything.
You waking up this morning was for a reason, and that reason calls you mum, your breath, your beating heart, you are a living breathing amazing person, how fortunate are we for our lives and that we get to share it with the people we love the most.
Make today count, make every day special, even if it just means sitting down at the end of the day for a meal or a snuggle under a duvet watching a Disney film.
Life is for living, yes you have to work, yes you have to pay bills, yes its bloody stressful but to that little person pulling on your skirt, today is the best day ever because of YOU!
Full credit to Lette Marie Winter sent in via email
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I’m Not The Perfect Mom, I’m THAT Mom
‘I’m that Mom.
The Mom who gets up before the sun rises, to get ready for work. Who packs lunches and gets backpacks and clothes laid out. Who sneaks in and kisses her babies before she leaves for the day.
I’m that Mom.
The Mom who sometimes has a short fuse. Who sometimes yells over insignificant things. Who wishes she didn’t loose her temper as much.
I’m that Mom.
The Mom who stops at McDonald’s for her kids. Who has good intentions of making a home cooked meal, but gets frustrated when nobody will even try it.
I’m that Mom.
The Mom who spends all night cleaning up, and feels guilty for not sitting with her kids. I’m also the mom who plays with her kids, and then feels guilty for having a messy house.
I’m that Mom.
The Mom who one day, sets an hour limit on their tablet time. I’m also the Mom who let’s them play on it for 3 hours the next day, just so I can get things accomplished.
I’m that Mom.
The Mom who sits down and goes over homework with her kids. I’m also the mom who gets in trouble for not correctly helping with homework because I was cooking dinner and feeding the baby at the same time.
I’m that Mom.
The Mom who feels like a rockstar on Monday. I’m also the Mom who feels like I’m ready to throw in the towel by Friday.
I’m that Mom.
The Mom who has let her baby cry it out. I’m also the Mom who let’s her babies crawl into her bed in the middle of the night, snuggling up with them.
I’m that Mom.
The Mom who formula fed. Who used disposable diapers, who didn’t make homemade baby food.
I’m that Mom.
The Mom who tries her hardest every single day. Who knows that she’s not perfect, but her kids think she’s pretty damn close.
I’m that Mom.
The Mom who is everybodys everything. The keeper of the calender, the chauffeur of the littles, the wiper of the messes, and the referre of the house.
I’m that Mom.
The Mom who is exhausted at the end of everyday. Who wonders every night if I’ve done a good enough job. Who hopes and prays that my babies will grow up knowing that they are loved and protected. Who peeks in on them when they’re sleeping, even when they spent the last 3 hours driving me crazy.
I’m that Mom.
I’m not the Perfect Mom, but that’s okay. Because I’m That Mom – and that’s a pretty damn good one to be’
Credit: The Chronicles of Motherhood
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Breast Feeding It Is Hard- It Really Is
“Ok, I’m going to say it for us all. Breastfeeding is hard. It’s really, really hard. Sometimes I can’t even explain what makes it so difficult. The uncertainty, second guessing, responsibility, commitment, discomfort…just to name a few. We trusted our bodies to grow our babies for 9 months and now we have to trust our body to supply the nourishment for our babes growth & development. Talk about pressure😳 Breastfeeding is full of unanswered questions. You truly don’t know what’s going on down there. Too much? Too little? Too intense? Not enough hindmilk? Not enough time? Plugged duct? Mastitis? WTF!!!
As if it wasn’t hard enough😓And of course the biggest way to know if you’re doing well is if the baby is gaining weight…great, let me just whip out my handy dandy baby scale😑..But, even with all of that. We all so desperately want to survive and push through. We so badly want to have our baby thrive. We want that relationship. We want the experience. In the end, fed is best. That’s what matters. But all I know right now is that breastfeeding is hard. I am doing my very best but always have a question in the back of my mind. Always second guessing myself. Always wondering if I’m doing OKAY. I’m determined to tough it out. I want to do this. Mamas really do need all the support they can get. So mama, you’re hearing it from me, you’re not going crazy, it is hard, but you’re doing good. Keep going!! There’s a rumor going around that it gets easier😌”
Full Credit: https://www.instagram.com/thenashvillebump/
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Migraines Are Not Headaches-Show Some Compassion
Migraines Are Not Headaches-Show Some Compassion
I can’t just “pop an Advil and be on with my day”.
I can barely open my eyes without feeling like I’m going to throw up.
Certain smells will make me feel nauseous.
I can’t be in a room with lights, let alone even look at my phone.
I have to just lay there, in the dark, sometimes crying from the pain.
I have to wear sunglasses if I’m in a bright place and suddenly feel a migraine coming.
I can even feel one is coming hours before it actually starts.
Sometimes I wake up in the morning, knowing I have one coming that night.
Saying to me “maybe you need to drink more” or “you just need more rest and to drink more water” is not helpful.
Or saying “isn’t it just a little pain in your head, can’t you nap for 20 minutes then feel better??” Is also not helpful.
Migraines are not headaches.
I’ve missed many things because of it. Many moments, many important days.
When I am invited to something that’s a few days away, I will think to myself “oh, I hope I don’t get a migraine that day.”
Normal sounds such as flushing a toilet, or a fork scraping on a plate, or a door shutting, all sounds like an earthquake is happening inside your head to someone with a migraine.
It is not just a “little pain in your head”.
Migraines are not headaches.
I cannot hide when I have a migraine. My vein will show you exactly where the pain is, my eyes will be watery from the lights around me, and I will be walking around holding my forehead trying to get some relief. I can’t just ignore it and get on with my day. It’s an all consuming pain, and I live with it, I deal with it the best I can, and I know I’m not alone.
Migraines are not headaches.
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Mums You Are Doing Great
This stage of life, It’s hard, you guys.
I’m talking right now to you mums who are in your late 20’s to mid 30’s. You have kids. Likely two, three, maybe four of them. They probably range in age from newborns to 7 or 8 year-olds. (Give or take a few, on all of the above mentioned stats).
In this stage of life, you are dealing with exhaustion. Mental, physical, and emotional.
In this stage of life, you are dealing with teething. With ear infections. With stomach viruses. You are juggling nap schedules, and feeding schedules and football, dance, or karate schedules. A million balls you are juggling, and you probably feel like you are dropping most of them.
In this stage of life, you are dealing with guilt. Guilt over having a career, and not spending enough time with your kids, or guilt over staying home with your kids, and not doing enough to contribute financially. Guilt over being too harsh with your kids. Too lenient. Guilt that your house is clean, but your kids were ignored, or guilt that you enjoyed your children all day, and now your husband is coming home to filth. Guilt.
In this stage of life, you are bombarded daily with a whole host of decisions. Some of them life-changing, some of them not. None of them with clear-cut answers. Do I vaccinate my kids? Do I not? Do I send them to the local school? school miles away? homeschooled? boarding school? Do I continue to breastfeed? Do I blow the budget so that I can buy all organic? Do I force my child to apologize, even though the apology will be insincere? You don’t know the answers to ANYTHING, but you feel constant pressure to figure out EVERYTHING.
This stage of life is less and less about watching your friends get married and have babies, and more and more about standing by and witnessing your friends struggle in their marriage, and even get divorced. It’s a stage where you’ve got to put in the time and the effort and the work and the energy to make sure your OWN marriage stays healthy. And that’s good, but it’s hard, too. At this point, you or someone you know has experienced infertility. Miscarriages. Loss of a child.
It’s a stage where you are buying houses, selling houses, remodeling houses, packing up houses. And then you do it all again a few years later.
It’s a stage where your hormones are all out of whack. I mean, you’ve basically been pregnant, postpartum, or breastfeeding for the last ten years, right?
It’s a stage where you are struggling with identity. Is my entire identity “mummy”? Is there anything even left of me that isn’t about mothering? Is there something more glamorous I could have/should have done with my life? I LOOK like a mum now, don’t I? I totally do.
It’s a stage where you are on a constant quest for balance, and can never find it.
It’s a stage of life where you are overloaded. Constantly. You are overloaded with questions. Your children never stop asking them. You are overloaded with touch. Someone is constantly wanting to be held, holding on to you, hanging on to you, touching you. You are overloaded with to-do’s. There is so much to do. It never ends. You are overloaded with worry. You are overloaded with THINGS. Your kids have way too many toys. You are overloaded with activities. You are overloaded with THOUGHTS (thoughts about how to not be so overloaded, perhaps?).
It’s hard.
So….what do you need to do to survive it all?
You need to ask for help.
You need to accept help when it’s given.
You need to not neglect your marriage. You need to put your kids down for bed early. Sit outside on the patio with your husband, drink a glass of wine, and have a conversation.
You need girlfriends.
You need your mum.
You need older friends, who have been there and done that. Who can reassure you that you AREN’T screwing it all up as badly as you think you are.
You need to not feel bad about using your kids nap time every now and again to just do whatever the heck you want.
You need to lower your expectations….then probably lower them again.
You need to simplify. Simplify every single part of your life, as much as it can be simplified.
You need to learn how to say “no”.
You need to practice contentment
You need to be ok leaving your kids overnight, and going away somewhere. Anywhere.
You need to do something you enjoy, every day, even if it’s for no more than 15 minutes.
You need to pray. Girl, you need to pray.
You need a coffee you love, a wine you love, and a bubble bath that you love.
Finally, and maybe most importantly, you need to remember that…..
….this stage of life is beautiful, too. Like, really really beautiful. This is the stage of life where every single older person you ever meet tells you, “you’re going to miss this”. And you already know it’s true. It’s the stage where your kids love you more than they are EVER going to love you again, for the whole rest of your life. It’s the stage where they can fit their entire selves into your lap to snuggle…and they want to.
It’s the stage where their biggest problems ARE ear infections and teething and stomach viruses, and you’re not having to deal yet with things like broken hearts or addiction or bullying. It’s the stage where you are learning to love your spouse in an entirely different….harder…..better…. way. The stage where you are learning together, being stretched together, shedding your selfishness together, and TRULY being made into “one”.
It’s the stage where you get to see Christmas, Halloween through your kids eyes, and it’s so much more fun and magical than it would be just through your own eyes. It’s the stage of life filled with school trips, class parties, costumes, swim lessons, bubble baths, puddle jumping , loose teeth, and first steps. And those things are so fun. It’s the stage where you are young enough to have fun, and old enough to have obtained at least SOME wisdom. It’s SUCH a great stage.
But, man it’s hard.”
credit: Austinmomsblog adapted for uk readers
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Raising Girls Is Never Easy But Now I Am In The Thick Of It
When I was a little girl and my imagination would think to the future, of being a mum, having a family, everything being perfect. The sun would be shining, my family would be full of smiles and giggles and we would all skip through fields holding hands as if from a scene from Little House on the Prairie.
In reality it could not be more different. I have two daughters fairly close in age, both with completely different characters. In the beginning they were best of friends. Whatever the older one did the other would follow. If they older one asked the younger to do something she would do it without question. There was even a point were I would dress them the same, which they never complained. At this point I thought they would always be best of friends and there would never be a quibble between them. They would become teenagers. young woman and share clothes and make up. They would go out together and giggle away at girlie gossip.
I am not sure as to what point this changed or the exact timing of it but my sweet, loving companions are now constantly at war. One is a teenager and maturing before my eyes. Going from a girl into a woman and blossoming. I look at her with envy often and wish that I looked as she does when I was 13. I am so proud of her, she is intelligent, articulate and has such a caring heart. The other is pre teen and her blossoming is only just beginning. Proud is not enough of a word to describe how I feel about her. She is the strong one. For two girls who when little were like mirror images of each other they are now so different. This is where I feel I am in a huge hole and desperately trying to scrape my way back to the top.
I have read over the years that raising girls is never easy and now I am in the thick of it, I 100% agree. Never seeming to get anything right for them. I always had this illusion that I would be seen as the cool mum, be friends with my kids. I can honestly say anyone who achieves this is either extremely laid back or a genius. I am told get past the teenage years and this will come but right now that seems a mammoth task.
My girls bicker from morning until night, they argue over the most trivial things. It is a constant battle of wills. Due to a recent house move and renovations the girls are currently sharing a room. Stupid me, thinking this would be great for them. For them to be close again, have each others company. How wrong I was, instead I wonder which one is going to throttle the other one first. The looks they can give each other would turn anyone to stone. Medusa doesn’t have a look in.
I try so hard to be fair. Try to listen to each others side of things when a disagreement erupts. Not wanting to favour one over the other but no matter how many parenting books I have read or programs I have watched nothing prepares you for being in the moment when your two daughters want you to side with either one of them and for you to spit venom at the other just because she has pinched one of her nail polishes. Then there is the surreal moments when things get so heated and discipline in the strongest form is required. Voices are raised and I put my foot down then at a flip of a coin they side with each other. “Mum don’t shout at her” I can only describe it like being on a playground roundabout and being pushed so fast that when you come off you are still in a spin. Confusion seems to last for several minutes after.
My girls are absolutely at the love/hate relationship stage. I know without a shadow of a doubt that neither would ever see any harm come to the other. Sibling protection will always be there with them that I know but right now this hole I am in, with my efforts to both, keep the peace between them and myself is not getting any easier to climb out. Now when I think to the future I hope and pray that my girls get through this and once again become the close friends they once were.
Credit Louise Smith
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Having a baby is meant to be the best feeling in the world
HAVING A BABY IS THE BEST FEELING IN THE WORLD….
I remember been told this whilst pregnant with Riley 5 years ago. He was my first baby and like all first time mummy’s I was overjoyed that it was finally happening to me.I was going to be the best mum in the world with so many intentions, ‘what I will and won’t be doing ‘ I was so certain I was so in control … I mean come one i had 3 nieces and 1 nephew, most friends had small children and babies, I had this in the bag ….easy peasy!!
2nd march 2012 at Saturday 3.49am my beautiful Riley p arrived at 36 weeks. He was the most precious beautiful thing I had ever seen and couldn’t quite believe I had pushed him out and he was mine… I mean really??? Within 3 hours of him been born he’d been changed twice (bearing in mind it took me about 10mins per outfit as he looked so small I didn’t want to break his little chicken legs ).laid there like a skinned rabbit I noticed he was uncomfortable.I was no expert mummy just yet but this boy laid here projectile vomiting every bottle I had given him. Reassured by midwifes he was fine, just keep him full of milk to get his sugars right up so we can go home.
Yes home, couldn’t wait to get home, my adrenaline was pumping, and my boy was beautiful. My whole life had begun, the happiest day of my life soon turned into me living a life that was very different to what I was told or I’d seen.
REFLUX!!! Yes fuck you reflux!!
It took away the first year of what should have been the happiest year of my life. It made my boy miserable, but strong, and days tried to smile through it like me. It made his mummy and daddy question our parental skills and our love for one another !!! It scared me like nothing has ever scared me before.My boy was poked prodded and told he had colic,
I was looked down on, made to feel I was making most of it up and told I was a fussy mum. I couldn’t just go out incase he was in pain and screamed the place down and when I did go out I soon left in tears before anyone saw me and asked
“is he ok”
“Don’t worry it’s only abit of sick, all babies are sick ”
“Give him some infacol ”
“Have you tried a different teat”
“Aww yeah my baby was a little sicky too”
“He’ll be fine he’ll grow out of it by the time he’s 12mths old”
These now still make me want to rip out their eyes!!
So it wasn’t the happiest year by far, and swore I couldn’t ever go through it again. He was given medicines special milk and I looked like I had walked through a rave with everyone taking a whitey I was that covered in sick 24/7.
6months old unexpectedly we found out Archie p was going to be arriving with us in 9mths time..“What?? “I said to the nurse?? “No no no not a chance, nope I think your mistaken ”
Fears all the way through of going through it all again were getting stronger everyday. I’d speak to other reflux mummy’s and some would say you’ll be fine you’ve done it before but I’m sure he will be ok… little did we know Archie was a whole new ball game, bringing new and even worse obstacles for us to tackle. REFLUX, ALLERGIES, TONGUETIE . This boy was trouble from the word go. My life was a complete whirlwind.I forgot who I was, my life was finding a solution to help my boys, my life, was making my boys happy and totally neglected myself and Alex.
Only 15mth age gap I lived for coffee and Alex coming home from work to take over so I could go outside to let out a scream i had kept in all day. I wanted so much to be like other mums, happy , playing , play dates but instead my pjs and CBeebies were what I rocked at 33!!
Now , aged 4 and nearly 3 they are the strongest most happiest boys ever. Ballbags at times ??? Absolutely!! But strong ballbags with amazing hearts. And I love them with my life for making me into this strong mummy that can take on anything.So thankyou REFLUX and whatever else you threw at us, you pushed my family together when It could so easily have been ripped apart.
So NO, having my babies wasn’t the best feeling in the world, looking at how they’ve grown IS 😘Written for Mums advice by https://www.facebook.com/itsallaboityoukids/