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Tag: alone

  • @ariah.36 I have a mother but never had a mom. #CapCut #fyp #real #mom #motheris…

    @ariah.36 I have a mother but never had a mom. #CapCut #fyp #real #mom #motheris…

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    @ariah.36

    I have a mother but never had a mom. #CapCut #fyp #real #mom #motherissues #strictparents #childhoodtrauma #mother #vent #tramatized #alone

    ♬ suara asli – Ziee – Ziee
    https://www.tiktok.com/@ariah.36/video/7477249481952513310
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    Tiktok by ariah_3.6

  • Hi Sorry I Haven’t Texted Back

    “Hi. Sorry I haven’t texted you back. I̶’̶v̶e̶ ̶b̶e̶e̶n̶ ̶a̶n̶x̶i̶o̶u̶s̶ ̶a̶n̶d̶ ̶d̶e̶p̶r̶e̶s̶s̶e̶d̶.

    I haven’t had time to catch my breath, you know how life gets. I̶ ̶a̶m̶ ̶s̶o̶ ̶d̶r̶a̶i̶n̶e̶d̶ ̶I̶ ̶c̶a̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶v̶e̶n̶ ̶c̶o̶l̶l̶e̶c̶t̶ ̶t̶h̶e̶ ̶e̶n̶e̶r̶g̶y̶ ̶f̶o̶r̶ ̶t̶h̶e̶ ̶m̶o̶s̶t̶ ̶m̶e̶n̶i̶a̶l̶ ̶o̶f̶ ̶t̶a̶s̶k̶s̶,̶ ̶l̶i̶k̶e̶ ̶t̶e̶x̶t̶i̶n̶g̶ ̶y̶o̶u̶ ̶b̶a̶c̶k̶ ̶o̶r̶ ̶w̶a̶s̶h̶i̶n̶g̶ ̶t̶h̶e̶ ̶o̶n̶e̶ ̶d̶i̶s̶h̶ ̶i̶n̶ ̶t̶h̶e̶ ̶s̶i̶n̶k̶.̶

    The weather has been beautiful right? Y̶e̶s̶t̶e̶r̶d̶a̶y̶ ̶I̶ ̶f̶o̶u̶g̶h̶t̶ ̶o̶f̶f̶ ̶a̶ ̶p̶a̶n̶i̶c̶ ̶a̶t̶t̶a̶c̶k̶ ̶w̶h̶i̶l̶e̶ ̶I̶ ̶w̶a̶s̶ ̶d̶r̶i̶v̶i̶n̶g̶.̶ ̶I̶ ̶h̶a̶d̶ ̶t̶o̶ ̶p̶u̶l̶l̶ ̶o̶v̶e̶r̶ ̶b̶e̶c̶a̶u̶s̶e̶ ̶m̶y̶ ̶v̶i̶s̶i̶o̶n̶ ̶w̶a̶s̶ ̶b̶l̶u̶r̶r̶e̶d̶.̶ ̶I̶ ̶f̶o̶c̶u̶s̶e̶d̶ ̶o̶n̶ ̶h̶o̶w̶ ̶b̶l̶u̶e̶ ̶t̶h̶e̶ ̶s̶k̶y̶ ̶w̶a̶s̶.̶ ̶I̶ ̶h̶a̶v̶e̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶w̶a̶s̶h̶e̶d̶ ̶m̶y̶ ̶h̶a̶i̶r̶ ̶i̶n̶ ̶t̶h̶r̶e̶e̶ ̶d̶a̶y̶s̶.̶ ̶I̶ ̶j̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶w̶a̶n̶t̶ ̶t̶o̶ ̶s̶l̶e̶e̶p̶ ̶a̶l̶l̶ ̶t̶h̶e̶ ̶t̶i̶m̶e̶,̶ ̶b̶u̶t̶ ̶i̶f̶ ̶I̶ ̶t̶o̶l̶d̶ ̶y̶o̶u̶,̶ ̶y̶o̶u̶ ̶w̶o̶u̶l̶d̶ ̶w̶a̶n̶t̶ ̶t̶o̶ ̶u̶n̶c̶o̶v̶e̶r̶ ̶a̶ ̶r̶e̶a̶s̶o̶n̶ ̶b̶e̶h̶i̶n̶d̶ ̶a̶l̶l̶ ̶o̶f̶ ̶t̶h̶i̶s̶,̶ ̶a̶n̶d̶ ̶t̶h̶e̶r̶e̶ ̶i̶s̶ ̶n̶o̶ ̶t̶a̶n̶g̶i̶b̶l̶e̶ ̶r̶e̶a̶s̶o̶n̶ ̶y̶o̶u̶ ̶w̶o̶u̶l̶d̶ ̶a̶c̶c̶e̶p̶t̶ ̶a̶s̶ ̶v̶a̶l̶i̶d̶.̶

    How are you? I hope well. Let’s get dinner soon!”
    —instagram.com/thealiciacook

    artwork by instagram.com/nightmerss

  • What An Eye Opener

    What an eye opener tonight has been, after working a 12 hour shift, I was driving home from work when someone drove In the side of me, they then drove off.

    I followed the car into an off a street we’re the car had parked up, I got out my car to see it was an elderly man driving.

    The man open his car door and reached out to me, he grabbed my arm tightly and told me he’s got Covid-19.

    The man asked for my help, with beads of sweat rolling down his face, the man was drifting in and out of continuousness as he spoke to me.

    I offered to ring the man an ambulance and he told me he will wait till the morning. I went to my car and luckily had a mask with me but no further PPE. I rang an ambulance for the man and he told me he hasn’t ate for 7-10 days as he has been in isolation and has no family or friends.

    The man had attempted to drive to get some food and essentials, as he knew he would die without. The man said he didn’t trust other people as there’s a lot of horrible people in the world.

    The ambulance arrived and I assured the ambulance crew until he was safe to he transported to A&E.

    I followed him up in my own car and have stayed with him for 5 hours with wearing full PPE. The man was so grateful that I stayed with him and kept squeezing my hand and pulling it close to him.

    The man asked me why I was being so kind, so I told him I would hate to be poorly and have no one by my side.

    I have spent 5 hours after my shift by the mans side after my shift, despite having plans for a takeaway tonight. I have just left his side now as he is too poorly to have any visitors, but he has my contact details if he wants to tell me when he is better.

    I’m not sure if he will get better 💔 but I hope so as he’s promised me a coffee.

    My family have all had to isolate them selves tonight and leave the house, so I can go home. They may need to isolate them selves until I know if I have been infected by Covid-19.

    But I know I have saved a mans life tonight, if i waited to ring an ambulance in the morning, he wouldn’t be alive tomorrow.

    Credit https://www.facebook.com/princess.duncan

  • I’m The Mum Who Sits Alone At Play Places

    I’m the mom who sits alone at play places, but doesn’t want to. But anxiety makes me that way.

    I’m the mom who won’t come up and talk to you first at our kids school, because my brain has convinced me that you don’t want to hear from me.

    I’m the mom that sits by myself while my kids play at play places, listening to other moms talk. Agreeing with what they’re saying, even wanting to join in on the conversation. But I won’t. Because my brain tells me you don’t want me to. Or what I would say, would be weird to you.

    I’m the mom who when my child asks me to talk to their friends mom at school, so they can have a play date, I will make excuses as to why I can’t.

    I’m the mom who want to go out more way more with my four year old, but my fear of him having a tantrum that I can’t control, takes over.

    I’m the mom who wants to be the PAC mom at school, who is friends with all the other moms. But I can barely muster up a “hello good morning!” to you.

    I’m the mom who wants to volunteer in my kids class for hot lunch day, for field trips, and all that fun stuff. But my mind reminds me about the room full of strangers I would have to introduce myself to.

    I’m the mom who’s trying.

    I’m the mom with anxiety.

    Follow me, the anxious momma, on instagram 🤣 https://www.facebook.com/caitlin.fladager

     

  • I’m Ok, It’s Ok, No Adult Company Again Today

    Say bye to my husband as he goes out to work. Take the eldest to school. Just me and the 2 year old again. Alone.

    What shall we do today? All alone.

    Farm? Soft play? The park? Just us. I wonder if anyone fancies a brew?! But who is there to call?

    I’ll just do some jobs, have a brew. What time is it? Shall we head out and get back for dinner? Where shall we go? Just us.

    The loneliness creeps in. Should I ring my husband? No he’s busy at work, I mustn’t disturb him. Who shall I message?

    I’ll just scroll Facebook and maybe the gram. See if anyone’s about.

    Should I message that mum from school? No she’ll be busy. You only know her to chat to, will she even want a brew?

    We play some games. Read a book. Shall we watch some telly? I’ll just scroll Facebook again… get some contact with the world. Something other than these 4 walls.

    Now it’s dinner time. Maybe someone will be around after school?

    Hi are you in this aft? x

    No sorry.

    Ok x

    Why what’s up?

    Nothing (not strictly true), was just seeing if you were free for a brew. x

    No I’m not sorry.

    Hi what you up2?

    Just in town.

    Ahh ok.

    Why?

    Just seeing if you were in and fancied a brew.

    Are you home?

    No I’m at work.

    It’s just me, the toddler and these 4 walls today. There’s always tomorrow.

    No-one messages, maybe it’s me. Maybe no-one wants to meet us. It’s ok. I’m ok. No adult company today. The loneliness is creeping in.

    We pick the eldest up from school. If I’m lucky there might be a parent about for a chat. Only I can’t hold a full conversation as the youngest is clinging off me, running about. I need to keep my eye on her.

    We go home and there’s now 2 little voices to contend with.

    By the time my husband gets home from work, we’re eating tea. He joins us. We chat about nothing much. I’m exhausted.

    Exhausted from being lonely.

    There’s always tomorrow for some company.

    The days blur. The loneliness sinks in. So much so that even after you’ve had company, you still feel lonely.

    You stop asking if people are free. You stick to the 4 walls, your kids and your brew.

    It’s the loneliness that numbs my brain. Does it numb anyone else’s? No conversations to make me think, to make my brain whir.

    I forget how to interact with people. I can’t make new friends. The ones I’ve got don’t have time to meet up, why would anybody new? It’s ok. I’m ok.

    The loneliness sinks deeper into my skin.

    There’s always tomorrow.

    Credit https://www.facebook.com/thenonperfectparentsclub/

  • I Am So Done With Helping Others

    I am so done with helping others.

    All my life I have sacrificed the things I want or need in life to help others.

    You want me to look after your children as you have to work, no problem I’ll change my plans to have them.

    You need a lift to the supermarket, not an issue, I’ll use my petrol to take you, doesn’t matter that it means I’ll have to tighten my budget that week, after all we are friends.

    You need someone to help with your child’s football team, of course I’ll help, I’ll take all the complaints because little Jimmy didn’t play a whole match or it will be my fault the team lost, I’m sorry I was trying my best.

    Lend you some money, yeah not an issue I know you are struggling just the same as me, friends will go without for each other.

    This is how I used to be, first to volunteer to help, first to be there for everyone, never thinking of how it was affecting my own life.

    However I have come to realise I can never do enough for some people, they will always take more and more until I have nothing left and then throw me away.

    I will not volunteer to help with any sports or events to then receive complaints and moans from those who wouldn’t step up to the plate ever!

    I am done, it is over, I do for me now and me alone, for those I have helped would never help me in return.

    I am so happy in my selfish, lonesome, happy, bitchy free zone. Welcome to freedom any one want to come along for the ride?

    I still help two friends who would walk over hot coals for me but I have cleared myself of all the fake mates

  • My Life As A Young Carer- I Still Cry At Night

    Soo, sit back and grab your coffee cause this is a quite long story.

    My mum was 35 when she had me, who ended up with mental health issues. My sister cared for me, did the night feeds, helped my mum and took me out almost every day there is 14 years between us. As they ( my sisters) got older the caring got more intense. Trying to look after me while my mum was accusing them over every little thing. From trying to kill her to moving stuff to mess with her head.

    My sister let’s call her Callie who was 14 years older than me and my other sister let’s call her Ellen who’s 10 years older than me, had her own child at 19 and ended up moving out because of my mums mental illness, my Ellen lived with her dad. From 6 years old I watched my mum smash her house up every weekend, hear she was going to kill her self, that people were trying to kill her, kill us.

    From 6 years old I began to look after my mum. Not being able to go out, not being able to leave her side and being scared every single day and night because all I ever heard was that people were trying to harm us. She would stop her meds every time she thought she was better. I also got told that I got left with her while she over dosed.

    Bad went to worse. We moved house because of her thinking people were trying to kill her… then what was about to happen next changed our lives. Someone ( who I can’t name) tried to petrol bomb us at just 10 years old I woke up screaming because I thought I was going to die.

    Every night I couldn’t sleep because I had to make sure my mum was ok, sit at the bottom of the bed so she could nap, not leave the house, not go to school, not leave her side. Help her cook and clean. We eventually got out after she had a ‘break down’ as she was admitted to a hospital. For almost a year I didn’t live with my mum.

    I went from seeing her every day to thinking she didn’t want me. When she eventually got out, we lived in a flat. Still depressed she would sleep all day so I’d have to clean my own clothes, try make meals ect. Then I slowly started going off the rails… drinking almost every night, drugs. I was 14 screaming for someone to care someone to listen. But no one did.

    At the age of 15 I would be drinking so excessively I would be brought home by the police, going through liter bottles of vodka. Then I met my boyfriend, who then I fell pregnant to, at 16. the As I settled down my mums mental health got worse again, blaming my bf for everything that he was trying to kill her. I then had my son.

    Yet again bad went to worse. My son was 2 weeks over due. Struggled at birth. Went home the next day, something wasn’t right this wasn’t the baby I had last night… he was just different.

    Rang an ambulance and it was almost as if I was getting made a mockery of, no one listened NO ONE. 6 days later after getting called over panicky mum and my mum not wanting to leave me alone with my own child because she thought I couldn’t cope. A midwife that dealt with teenagers came out. I told her how I was feeling. She checked my gorgeous boy and rushed us to icu.

    Our son had pneumonia and because it had been left for so long they didn’t know if he’d live cause his lungs were so weak. At 16 I thought my son was going to die. My life was ending. After getting admitted another 2 times after leaving icu for people not listening again. We almost lost him in total of 3 times.

    After countless visits to hospital and him being on oxygen for 8 months our baby boy became strong again, while all this was going on we were still getting accused of things, accused of taking my mums meds to mess with her head, trying to kill her. Until one day she tried to act the way she would when I was little. That day I went to leave, she rang the police after trying to beat up my bf and threatened to take my son.

    For months she drummed into my head that my bf and his family were going to take my son away. We finally got our own house and left after she tried to start again. She has schizophrenia. Now because of this, I have a mental illness. I’ve got a personality disorder. My son is 3 and I’m now 20, I’m still with my boyfriend. But now I suffer every day with the thought of loosing my son.

    That is always there in the back of my mind. I still cry most nights because of the thought of it. I go to play group and explain every single bruise. But guess what I’ve made it. I’m in a healthy environment now trying to pursue a dress making career. My mum is still poorly but I took a step back after my sister suddenly passed away a year ago. Life does get easier I promise. ‘Remember everything will be ok in the end and if it’s not ok, it’s not the end.

  • I am you. I see you. I am with you, I cry with you

    For the woman whose husband makes an “extra stop” after work every evening.

    For the woman who is mourning the loss of a pregnancy that nobody else knew about.

    For the woman who still leads from the front even although she’s lost inside.

    For the woman who was fired for her fourth late because she has been awake for a straight week with a sick child.

    For the single mom who doesn’t know how the utilities are going to stay on this month.

    For the woman who has gone through 2 IVF’s and has tried for five years without success but still shows up to every baby shower for her friends.

    For the woman who still hasn’t forgiven herself for the abortion that she had 20 years ago.

    For the woman who has a line of judging eyes at her and her children as she counts out coins or has to put something back at the supermarket.

    For the woman who opens the door to the news of her husband being killed overseas three weeks before he was to return home.

    For the woman who lives with a quiet anxiety because nobody understands what you could possibly be stressed about.

    For the woman who gives to her family all day- everyday and just.needs.a.break.

    For the woman that smiles at strangers all day in public- but weeps silently every night.

    For the woman who has wanted to end it all but found strength to carry on.

    For the woman that heard the rumor about herself at church today.

    For the woman sleeping next to a stranger every night.

    For the woman whose genetics will never allow her to look like the ones in the magazines.

    For the woman that endures one broken relationship after another because there was no father around to teach her what love looks like.

    For the woman raising a fatherless daughter and praying that history doesn’t repeat itself.

    For the woman who loves with all her heart who’s desperate to be loved.

    For every single woman that cries in the shower so that nobody else can see. Because if you aren’t strong-nobody is.

    Just because the water washes your tears doesn’t mean that you don’t cry. Just because you cry doesn’t mean that you’re not strong enough to handle it.

    I am you. I see you. I am with you, I cry with you. I love you.

    #womenempoweringwomen #femalesolidarity

    Full credit goes to the amazing Sarah Ponton

  • A Day In The Life Of A Reactive Dog

    A day in the life of a reactive dog

    Hello. I’m a reactive dog. People call me ‘reactive’ because I sometimes bark, growl and lunge towards other dogs, people, cats, cars – some of those things, or all of them.

    ‘Reactive’ is a label though and I would like you to understand what it’s really like to be ‘reactive’ and how I actually feel when I ‘react’.

    If you are a ‘reactive’ dog, certain things, taken for granted by other dogs – such as a simple walk in the park or a trip to a dog show, become a bit more complicated. While I would love to be able to investigate all the fantastic smells in the park, or have a great time in a training class, scoffing off some yummy treats and exercising my brain cells, life for me is sadly full of anxiety and fear, and instead of enjoying these events, I am constantly on edge.

    Why, you might want to ask? Can’t you just, like, get over it?

    Nothing ever happens to you when you are out, why get yourself so worked up?

    The problem is, ‘getting over it’ is not that simple. My anxiety and fear stem from many things – I might not have been socialized properly when young, or I might have had a bad experience. That means that certain things (other dogs, small children, load noises, people coming up to say hello) fill me with anxiety, fear or sometimes even panic. In many of those situations, if I could, I would probably run away, but many a time I can’t as I’m attached to a lead or cornered (like when another dog comes up to me and doesn’t want to leave me alone). But what sometimes works to make scary things go away is barking and growling at them – even bouncy dogs eventually get it. And while I might not look pretty or friendly when I growl and bark and lunge – hey! It works to get me out of a sticky situation and makes me feel safe again.

    It’s not easy to feel scared every time I leave the house, and it’s not nice to see my owner tensing up or upset every time I feel I need to react. People shout abuse at me sometimes, ask my owner to muzzle me or even never walk me. But frankly, I don’t mean anyone any harm, I just want to be left alone. My owner works so hard to convince me that life isn’t all that scary after all – she feeds me yummy treats when a scary things approaches, she keeps me safe by helping me move out-of-the-way rather than walk towards what is bound to upset me, she really, really tries, and I am slowly learning to trust things that used to freak me out loads.

    But every now and then, just when I start thinking that maybe other dogs, people, cars etc. aren’t that scary after all, someone or something comes up a bit too close and my old fears come back – and all I can do is panic and scream (that is bark, growl and lunge) to make them go away.

    So next time you see one of us – reactive dogs – out and about, please please – don’t judge. Don’t shout abuse at my owner who is trying all she can to make me feel safe. If you’re asked to call your dog away, please do, and don’t ask questions or claim your dog can do no harm as he’s friendly (to us, reactive dogs, that’s sometimes even worse!). Don’t let your children stroke us unless our owner says it’s fine. Just give us a bit of space so we can be on our way.

    Thank you so much!

    Written by the team at Pets in Practise “where determination and positivity, works!”

  • Being Alone In A Room Full Of People

    Being alone in a room full of people

    Being alone in a room full of people

    People believe that when you are in a room full of people it is impossible to be lonely that is false being in a room full of people can be the loneliest place to be when your heads not in it.

    Welcome to anxiety people.

    Feeling the outcast, the misfit the one there because people feel awkward for not inviting you in case you get upset or depressed that you weren’t invited. But even when your there you’re looking for an escape. You sit drinking tea scared of making a fool of yourself in front if people while they get drunk. You are desperate to be treated the same as everyone but because of who you are you’re not.

    They expect your reactions to be a certain way no matter how hard you try to be better. They say they are helping but they don’t change with you.  You sit quietly trying not to be noticed and people think your miserable when your really not you will just do anything not to draw attention to yourself. They talk about things you have no experience of so you can’t contribute and end up feeling dumb.

    Is it intentional or in your head? You will never know cuz you will never ask afraid of answers you will get. You let life pass you by because you’re so scared of everything but nobody understands the crippling fear of not being wanted or not being good enough. So being in a room full of people can be the loneliest place to be.

    If you have anxiety please contact your doctor, you don’t have to alone there are people out there who feel the same as you. help is available.