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  • Mummy Hasn’t Missed The School Uniform

    There had been a lot of things Mummy had missed in the last 6 months.
    But one thing Mummy had not missed, was trying to keep up with emails from school.

    Mummy’s eldest daughter wasn’t even due to start back at school until Monday, and she was already fed up of trying to keep up with which location she should drop off and collect her darling offspring, at which time, and trying to work out what she should and shouldn’t be sending her to school with.

    Mummy felt a little unorganised this year, the annual shopping trip for school uniform had been swapped for a last minute online shop, and thanks to Mummy not being able to concentrate on anything for a twatting second without one of her horrorfus children interrupting her asking for a snack or informing her that someone had done an actual shit on the lawn, Mummy ended up purchasing school shoes which wouldn’t be arriving until two weeks after school resumed.

    “Fuck it all!” Said Mummy when she realised her error. “Fuck it all.” She said again as she frantically ordered some of the last shoes remaining online which happened to be the most bastarding expensive shoes in the whole damn sodding world complete with next day delivery.

    The shoes arrived.
    They didn’t look like fifty pounds worth of shoes.
    And they would most definitely be lost in the cupboard of doom within two months when warm boot season commenced.
    But Mummy dealt with it, because it was her fault for being unorganised.

    Finally after a last minute dash over to amazon for name labels, Mummy had got EVERYTHING she needed.
    ‘Thank god for prime.’ Mummy thought smugly.

    Fast forward to today, where Mummy found herself reading a dreaded school informational email which stated that the children would be expected to wear their PE kits for the full day on their designated PE day.
    “Shit, bugger, bollocks.” Thought Mummy, remembering she had only ordered shorts and a T-Shirt for her little angels PE kit.
    Mummy realised she would now need to order tracksuit bottoms, a hoody and a pair of trainers.

    ‘It’s ok!’ Thought Mummy, I don’t want to see any of my wages this month anyway, I will just go ahead and order MORE PE KIT! All of the PE KIT.

    As Mummy once again trawled the internet in attempt to find a bastarding shell suit, smart enough for a day at school but sporty enough to do a few star jumps in the playground, both of her tiny terrorists decided to help theirselves to a bag of crisps, the youngest decided to distribute all of the crisps onto the carpet, whilst the eldest shouted “NOOOOOOO!!! Mummyyy!!!! Looookkkk!!”
    ‘Will you two just shut the fuck up for a single second? Please???’ Thought Mummy as she attempted to ignore the chaos unfolding around her.

    It was at that very moment when Mummy’s phone began to ping, the ever- so -helpful group chat with fellow mothers from the class began to discuss how the PE days were Thursday AND Friday.

    So not only had Mummy spent a bastarding fortune on school shoes that would only be worn three times a week for approximately the next two months.
    But she also had to purchase an extra two PE kits.
    WITH SODDING NEXT DAY DELIVERY.

    Mummy didn’t want to come across as a massive moany bitch to all of the other lovely-quite possibly more organised Mummy’s in the group chat, but she couldn’t quite help herself from letting out a little “For fuckity fuck fuck fucking sakes.”

    Mummy didn’t quite understand, was it her being ever-so-thick? Or could getting changed at school cause a virus to spread?

    Mummy was informed that the school were trying to eliminate bags and belongings from home being taken into school.
    And Mummy did wonder to herself for a second…where the actual shitting hell did the people who made up the rules think Mummy kept her children?
    Because her child was allowed to go into school, from her home.
    But her twatting PE kit wasn’t??

    After a couple of minutes, Mummy decided it was all just abso-fucking-lutely ridiculous.
    Then Mummy decided to drink a bottle of liquid grapes to get over the whole charade and came to terms with the fact she would probably never-ever financially recover from the purchases of uniform in 2020.
    The end.
    😂😂😂

    Credit https://www.facebook.com/laughwithmummy/

  • Why I Will Wear A Damn Mask

    I’m not sure how being considerate to others for the common good is now being mocked by some who are calling it “living in fear”, but it needs to stop….
    When I wear a mask over my nose and mouth in public and in the stores/Supermarkets/Pharmacies/Offices – I want you to know the following:
    📷 I’m educated enough to know that I could be asymptomatic and still give you the virus.
    📷 No, I don’t “live in fear” of the virus; I just want to be part of the solution, not the problem.
    📷 I don’t feel like the “government controls me”. I feel like I’m an adult contributing to the security in our society and I want to teach others the same.
    📷 If we could all live with the consideration of others in mind, the whole world would be a much better place.
    📷 Wearing a mask doesn’t make me weak, scared, stupid or even “controlled”. It makes me caring and responsible.
    📷 When you think about your appearance, discomfort, or other people’s opinion of you, imagine a loved one – a child, father, mother, grandparent, aunt, uncle or even a stranger – placed on a ventilator, alone without you or any family member allowed at their bedside…..Ask yourself if you could have helped them a little by wearing a mask.

  • Beware Of The Tu Dress From Sainsburys

    If anyone has ordered these dresses from TU Sainsburys, you might have a shock when you wash them!

    I washed at 40 like the label says, I even added a colour catcher sheet to be on the safe side, all my daughters dresses went pink (see photo in comments).


    Sainsburys refunded me, I ordered them again thinking they might just be a bad batch. Washed at 40, and added 3x colour catcher sheets, they still went pink.

    Beware Of The Tu Dress From Sainsburys
    Beware Of The Tu Dress From Sainsburys

    Just wanted to warn you, then they don’t ruin all your kids uniform, as I know not everyone pre-washes clothes.

  • The Best Way To Pay A Male Stripper

    Last night, my friends and I went to a Ladies Night Club. One of the girls wanted to impress the rest of us, so she pulled out a £10 note. When the male dancer came over to us, my friend licked the £10 note and stuck it to his bum cheek! Not to be outdone, another friend pulls out a £20 note. She called the guy back , licks the £20 note, and sticks it to his other bum cheek.

    In another attempt to impress the rest of us, my third friend pulls out a £50 note and calls the guy over, and licks the £50 note. I’m worried about the way things are going, but fortunately, she just stuck it to one of his bum cheeks again. My relief was short-lived. Seeing the way things are going, the guy races over to me.

    Now everyone’s attention is focused on me, and the guy is egging me on to try to top the £50. My brain was churning as I reached for my wallet. What was I to do? The woman in me took over… I got out my ATM card, swiped it down the crack of his bum, grabbed the eighty quid and left!.

    Credit https://www.facebook.com/Rudesonarole/

  • How Thick Are Other People

    My daughter and I went through the McDonald’s driveway window and I gave the cashier a £5 note.
    Our total was £4.25, so I also handed her 25p.
    She said, ‘you gave me too much money.’
    I said, ‘Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a pound coin back.’
    She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request.
    I did so, and he handed me back the 25p, and said ‘We’re sorry but we don’t do that kind of thing.’
    The cashier then proceeded to give me back 75p in change.
    Do not confuse the people at MacD’s.

    We had to have the garage door repaired.
    The repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a ‘large’ enough motor on the opener.
    I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.
    He shook his head and said, ‘You need a 1/4 horsepower.’
    I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4 and he said, ‘NOOO, it’s not. Four is larger than two.’
    We haven’t used that repairman since…

    I live in a semi rural area.
    We recently had a new neighbor call the local city council office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road.
    The reason: ‘Too many deers are being hit by cars out here! I don’t think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.’

    IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE.
    My daughter went to a Mexican fast food and ordered a taco.
    She asked the person behind the counter for ‘minimal lettuce.’
    He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.

    I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked,
    ‘Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?’
    To which I replied, ‘If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?’
    He smiled knowingly and nodded, ‘That’s why we ask.’

    The pedestrian light on the corner beeps when it’s safe to cross the street.
    I was crossing with an ‘intellectually challenged’ co-worker of mine.
    She asked if I knew what the beeper was for.
    I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.
    Appalled, she responded, ‘what on earth are blind people doing driving?!’
    She is a government employee…..

    When my husband and I arrived at a car dealership to pick up our car after a
    service, we were told the keys had been locked in it.
    We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver’s side door.
    As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.
    ‘Hey,’ I announced to the technician, ‘its open!’
    His reply, ‘I know. I already did that side.’

    STAY ALERT!
    They walk among us, they breed, and they vote…….

  • Jamie's Dream School Jamie Oliver's Knife Skills

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  • Mums Warning About Tiktok

    The following account from a Mum of a 10 year old is very worrying.

    “All mums need to know to get their kids off tiktok there is a thing on it called ok live which most dont know that it can see.

    ive just had a visit from police to say that my daughter was live on it and 120 people were watching her play they could see inside my home and she didnt know she was live.

    it was a woman who had seen her and reported it thank god ,, this is peados apparently russian so police are trying to locate ,, they came to my door with pictures off her sitting playing and read out what sickos were asking her to do like take your clothes off etc i wont repeat some of the other things they were asking ,,i feel so sick it also came up on peado hunters and alarm bells went everywer hence visit from police ,,, so innocent and yet so sick i am shakin to think all those sick ###* were watching her without her knowing its a good job she had not seen messages ,,, STAY ALERT keep your eyes on what your kids are on it just shows how easy it is for these animals to get thro to our kids ,,, i thought i had everythin locked down on her ipad parental control the lot ,, i will be watchin every move she makes from now on ,,tiktok the lot has been deleted now ,,, scared the life out of me .”

    Credit https://www.facebook.com/NumberSeventyTwo/

  • Well She’s Well Behaved For Me

    “She’s such a sweet girl.”
    “I promise she’s well behaved when she’s with me.”
    “We had a great day. She definitely acts differently when you’re not around.”
    Oh sweet child, little do they know.
    I get you at your worst.
    I get you when the sunny smile that brightened your face just moments ago shifts downward into the deepest scowl.
    I get you when your lip starts to quiver and your eyes fill with tears.
    I get you when you turn beet red and those splotchy red marks speckle your forehead and neck.
    I get you when your fists ball tightly at your sides and your body goes stiff as a board.
    I get you when your pint-sized frame hurls itself onto the floor.
    I get you when you flail around on the ground, your high-pitched screams piercing the air, and the eardrums of anyone nearby.
    I get you when I carry you out of grocery stores, out of restaurants, out of splash pads and playgrounds and parks, out of friends’ houses, out of the car, out of the backyard because it’s time to go inside for dinner.
    I get you when I hold you tightly against my body, as you resist me so hard with yours.
    I get you at your worst.
    I know they stare. I know they talk. I know they judge the pale, sweaty woman wrestling her hysterical child away, hiding tears behind her over-sized sunglasses.
    But here’s the thing, child.
    I get you at your worst, because you feel comfortable enough with me to show your true emotions.
    I get you at your worst, because you trust me enough not to ever leave you.
    I get you at your worst, because you don’t have to pretend with me.
    I get you at your worst, because I am your
    soft place to land. Your home. Your safe haven.
    I get you at your worst, because you know without doubt or hesitation that I will love you no matter what you do.
    I get you at your worst, because I am your mother.
    Which means that when all is said and done, I don’t worry that you are an angel for other people, but not always for me.
    Because when you wrap your arms around my neck and snuggle in my arms,
    When in a sea of people you have eyes only for me,
    When you turn around for a split second, just to make sure I’m there,
    When your smile lights up the room when I walk through the door,
    When I’m the first face you see in the morning and the last to kiss you goodnight,
    I know.
    I know I get you at your best, too!

  • So This Virus Can Be Killed With Hand Soap

    Not Fatual but Hilarious

    So we’re into our 5th month of defeating COVID-19. These words made me laugh 😂 but there’s a lot of truth mixed in to consider. . .

    1. So let me get this straight, there’s no cure for a virus that can be killed by sanitizer and hand soap?
    2. Is it too early to put up the Christmas tree yet? I have run out of things to do.
    3. When this virus thing is over, I still want some of you to stay away from me.
    4. If these last months have taught us anything, it’s that stupidity travels faster than any virus on the planet.
    5. Just wait a second – so what you’re telling me is that my chance of surviving all this is directly linked to the common sense of others? You’re kidding, right?
    6. If you believe all this will end and we will get back to normal just because we reopen everything, raise your hand. Now slap yourself with it.
    7. Another Saturday night in the house and I just realized the trash goes out more than me.
    8. Whoever decided a liquor store is more essential than a hair salon is obviously a bald-headed alcoholic.
    9. Remember when you were little and all your underwear had the days of the week on them. Those would be helpful right now.
    10. The spread of Covid-19 is based on two factors: 1. How dense the population is and 2. How dense the population is.
    11. Remember all those times when you wished the weekend would last forever? Well, wish granted. Happy now?
    12. It may take a village to raise a child, but I swear it’s going to take a whole vineyard to home school one.
    13. Did a big load of pyjamas so I would have enough clean work clothes for this week. 🤣

  • He ate 12 DOSES of Ex-lax.

    Oh my God, I have never laughed so fucking hard in my LIFE.

    So last night my husband took some Ex-lax. Then this morning, some shit started going down. Like, literally. He looked at the packaging and realized that when it said to eat 1-2 squares, it meant the tiny squares, not an entire block.

    He ate 12 DOSES of Ex-lax.

    (Husband, baby, I can see where the mistake was made. With that whole block of chocolate wrapped up like one dose, and it flipped backwards like it was, I get it. But good Lord, I can’t even with this.)

    So I’m calling Poison Control because he thought he was dying and I literally cannot stop laughing. I’m barely able to talk, I’m laughing so hard. The guy on the other end probably thought it was a prank call. I swear to God, I hope they record their calls and enjoy that one at the staff meeting later because even thinking about me trying to explain that my 39 year old husband just ate a whole brick of Ex-lax is making me wheeze.

    The guy was like, “The biggest risks are cramping, dehydration, and diaper rash.”

    Motherfucking DIAPER RASH.

    🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 I was NOT ready for this dude to come at me with diaper rash. I completely lost it. My husband was so pissed (from the bathroom of course). The Poison Control guy kept chuckling and going, “Oh boy. Oooooooh boy. You’ll need to get some Desitin.”

    DEAD.

    I am not equipped to deal with this kind of crisis. I know it could have been super serious, but OMG

    And the funniest part of all is he thought he only took a half dose because he only ate one bar 😂😂😂

    He’s going to be fine. I’m still crying. I can’t even drink my latte because I keep choking thinking about it and spitting my coffee back into my mug. I had to lay down sideways in a restaurant booth because I was laughing so hard I couldn’t breathe, three full hours after this happened. I kept clearing my throat on the call with Poison Control like, “Ahem. Okay, I know this is serious. Please continue. AHAHAHAHAHA!!!”

    💀💀💀💀💀💀

    He let me share this story. I have no idea why. All I know is it’s a gift to the universe.

    Credit https://www.facebook.com/authorabbyjimenez/