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  • Veet Hair Removal Cream And Frozen Peas

    If anyone wants a laugh then let me explain to you about tonight’s little escapade with the fucking VEET hair removal cream and why I’m now laying in bed with a bag of frozen peas on my vagina.

    Me and my friend were in tescos this evening looking at the personal care products and we were like you know what, I want a porn star arse hole and I’m broke so let’s rock n roll. VEET HAIR REMOVAL CREAM THAT BRIGHTENS THE SKIN. Got that for a few quid and also a small tub of bleach to brighten the butt hole 🙃 if you’ve read any of the online reviews you’ll know, don’t be a twat.

    Got back to my house had dinner had a few glasses of wine and my other half had gone to bed, so we’re left to VEET and bleach our arse holes like the actual fucking delinquents we are ready to twat it up. Chucked a face mask on and we were ready to go.

    Both of us have one leg cocked up on a chair while we slather the hair removal cream on our vaginas, bikini line and bums. Felt a wee burn but nothing we couldn’t handle. I’ve had a kid for Christ sake, it wasn’t that deep. We then took it in turns after a few mins to get it off each other and look on in amazement at our hairless little bums. Both of us thinking to ourselves that it will be flawless sex now and we’re sleek dolphins. It was good, uncomfortable, but good.

    Didn’t even let the dust settle and our arses were still pretty red raw from the VEET and my friends stirred up this poxy bleach pot and was like right, bend over let’s do this. I’ve started doing hers and this was when the real adventure began.

    My friends leapt from the carpet and let me know she’s going to be sick and can’t do it. Obviously, I was pissing myself and I was like nah shut up come on let’s do it, unaware of the pain to follow. She’s actually rolling around on the floor now sweating because the pains so hideous, but the pain has passed so she can cope. And then she says right your go bend over.

    I’ve bent over and assumed the position, my shiny new flower exposed to the elements and ready to go.

    If you’ve ever veeted your bum and then decided to bleach it after then you know the pain to follow is like straight up hydrochloric acid being swilled onto your arse hole. It’s fucking horrific.

    I’ve screamed and lunged forward and understood exactly how she felt because now I felt the same. I felt winded and I couldn’t breathe and I felt like I was about to bring up my dinner because the pain was so intense. She’s told me to breathe and get through it and the pain will go. So I’m breathing and breathing for what feels like an hour but was actually about 1/2 a second and I say no I can’t do this and throw myself into the toilet, where I sit and wonder if I’m going to end up with 3rd degree burns or need a fucking skin graft or something.

    I’ve wiped the cream off thinking it’s cool it’ll stop except it felt like I was possessed by the devil every time I touched it so I throw myself into the bath with a dress on just to sit in it and spread my cheeks to get this bleach off.

    My friend in the mean time is about to pass out through the pain because it comes in waves. You think it’s going to get better but it doesn’t and the pain just comes straight back and it feels like shit when it does.

    Got the bleach off and it didn’t feel too bad, felt alright. Took some pictures of our new shiny arses after the initial burning shock to send to our boyfriends, happy days, mine loves my new arse. It’s a good end to a not so good evening.

    Fast forward to now, I am laying in bed and wake up because I need a wee 🙃 I struggle to get up because it feels like fucking Chernobyl in my fanny. Like a nuclear meltdown because the heat and pain is RADIATING off me.

    I go for my wee and the sting is instant. I started shouting out in pain and I grabbed the jug on the side of the bath to pour cold water on my vagina while I’m sat down. The cold water shocked me and took the heat away for a second before it came back. I wipe and there is BLOOD on the tissue. Not like red blood, but orange blood where my flaps have been WEEPING from the hair removal and bleach.

    I stood up, dried off by patting down using a towel and then went to get a drink because the pain was so extreme I once again felt like I was going to hurl. I’ve gone in my room and my boyfriends like wtf is wrong with you what’s happened !? While I sob uncontrollably, my vagina was on fire and I had a sense of impending doom that this would be it forever now. He’s got straight up and run an ice cold bath and told me to sit in it.

    After finding the courage to lay down and spread my legs to get some air to them I had to stand back up to get in the bath. My other half is holding my hand the whole time because he can see the pain in my face. This isn’t an over dramatic pain. This is a “my raw flesh is exposed on my vagina and I can’t sit, stand or lay” kind of pain.

    Sat in the ice-cold bath for 10 mins and my vagina is numb. Now laying in bed with a bag of frozen peas on my shrivelled up painful little flower asking myself why the FUCK did I do this ??????? And then thinking to myself you know what tho hun I’m fucking stupid enough to do this again and I probably will because my bum is GLOWING and there’s not a single hair down there 😂

    Emailed in by Julie McWilliams

  • The Best Product Review Ever Written

    This is an actual product review about Veet hair removal by a man on  amazon.co.uk

    After having been told my danglies looked like an elderly Rastafarian I decided to take the plunge and buy some of this as previous shaving attempts had only been mildly successful and I nearly put my back out trying to reach the more difficult bits. Being a bit of a romantic I thought I would do the deed on the missus’s birthday as a bit of a treat.

    I ordered it well in advance and working in the North Sea I considered myself a bit above some of the characters writing the previous reviews and wrote them off as soft office types…Oh, my fellow sufferers how wrong I was. I waited until the other half was tucked up in bed and after giving some vague hints about a special surprise I went down to the bathroom. Initially, all went well and I applied the gel and stood waiting for something to happen. I didn’t have long to wait.

    At first, there was a gentle warmth which in a matter of seconds was replaced by an intense burning and a feeling I can only describe as like being given a barbed wire wedgie by two people intent on hitting the ceiling with my head. Religion hadn’t featured much in my life until that night but I suddenly became willing to convert to any religion to stop the violent burning around the turd tunnel and what seemed like the destruction of the meat and two veg.

    Struggling not to bite through my bottom lip I tried to wash the gel off in the sink and only succeeded in blocking the plughole with a mat of hair. Through the haze of tears I struggled out of the bathroom across the hall into the kitchen, by this time walking was not really possible and I crawled the final yard to the fridge in the hope of some form of cold relief.

    I yanked the freezer drawer out and found a tub of ice cream, tore the lid off and positioned it under me. The relief was fantastic but only temporary as it melted fairly quickly and the fiery stabbing returned. Due to the shape of the ice cream tub, I hadn’t managed to give the starfish any treatment and I groped around in the draw for something else as I was sure my vision was going to fail fairly soon.

    I grabbed a bag of what I later found out was frozen sprouts and tore it open trying to be quiet as I did so. I took a handful of them and tried in vain to clench some between the cheeks of my arse. This was not doing the trick as some of the gel had found its way up the chutney channel and it felt like the space shuttle was running its engines behind me.

    This was probably and hopefully the only time in my life I was going to wish there was a gay snowman in the kitchen which should give you some idea of the depths I was willing to sink to in order to ease the pain. The only solution my pain crazed mind could come up with was to gently ease one of the sprouts where no veg had gone before.

    Unfortunately, alerted by the strange grunts coming from the kitchen the other half chose that moment to come and investigate and was greeted by the sight of me, arse in the air, strawberry ice cream dripping from my bell end pushing a sprout up my arse while muttering “ooooh that feels good” Understandably this was a shock to her and she let out a scream and as I hadn’t heard her come in it caused an involuntary spasm of shock in myself which resulted in the sprout being ejected at quite some speed in her direction.

    I can understand that having a sprout fired against your leg at 11 at night in the kitchen probably wasn’t the special surprise she was expecting and having to explain to the kids the next day what the strange hollow in the ice cream didn’t improve my status…so to sum it up, VEET removes hair, dignity, and self-respect!