It was a few days before Senna’s first birthday. I posted about how hard it was to make cupcakes for your dead baby, attaching a picture I had already openly shared with the group before. So many people sent me encouraging words and showed me love. Then, I got the message.
I cannot make a direct quote, but it went along the lines of: we know this is sensitive, but photos of Senna “upset” new/pregnant moms and we have had complaints, so we need to ask you to put trigger warnings on them.
In a group I used to turn to for support, in a group that I trusted to help me through so much, I was being asked to turn my trauma inward. Instead of the priority being the fact I needed help to survive today, it was the “uncomfortable” feelings someone else experienced. I was being asked to support other people instead of receiving the life saving support I needed. It was the only place where I felt like I was really recognised as a parent, and it was ripped away from me.
I balled on my kitchen floor while frosting whipped to perfection in my kitchen aid.
I decided to leave the group. Even though it pained me, I didn’t want Senna or my experiences to bare the burden of a trigger warning. I wanted people to see my baby, not just all the implications and biases that come with stillbirth. I didn’t want to constantly be reminded that what I went through was so terrible, so horrendous, that other people are so uncomfortable they only think of themselves and not my needs. I felt alienated.
When it was pointed out that pictures of live babies might be triggering to me, the admins responded with something along the lines of “this is a parenting group, that should be expected”. It didn’t matter that the raised money for me when Senna died, I didn’t want to wear the beautiful necklace they got for me anymore. It didn’t mean what it used to as soon as they said that.
This story doesn’t end badly. The day after, I woke up to a new group. 60 or so women, just as outraged as me, followed me onto this new platform where vulnerability are valued over all else. Trigger warnings are almost nowhere to be found, and courage is abundant.
Screw your appropriation of trigger warnings. Fuck your “safe spaces”. I want brave spaces.
My baby, my life, my trauma, doesn’t need a trigger warning because it makes you uncomfortable. To hear my story, to see me be vulnerable is an honor. To be able to think being uncomfortable is the same thing as being triggered is a privilege.
When you ask loss parents to add trigger warnings whenever they mention their child, or tell them they have to hide photos in the comments, you’re further alienating at-risk people and making them feel even more hopeless and alone
When you tell people that they should expect to see live children, but that the only photos a parent will ever have of their child are too horrific to be seen, you’re perpetuating stigma and support death adverse culture.
You’re also insinuating that trauma, and being triggered, I are same thing as being uncomfortable or disturbed which is a disservice to those who suffer from trauma disorders and turning back the clock on mental health awareness.
Click out, scroll past, block me. But don’t put the burden of your inability to face mortality on me. Or my child.
Credit https://www.facebook.com/hannahdiane93
