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Tag: poo

  • Don’t Marry A Care Assistant

    Don’t marry a Health care assistant. They sleep all day while you work and work all night while you sleep. Or, their 0500 alarm disturbs your sleep and then they come home too tired to cook dinner. Don’t marry a Health care assistant. 

    They walk in the door mentally exhausted and sometimes forget to even say hello. Don’t marry a Health care assistant. They run out of patience and snap at the slightest question or demand. Don’t marry a Health care assistant. They constantly complain about germs or access for people in public. It can be embarrassing. 

    Don’t marry a Health care assistant. Their stories are not dinner-at-your-moms appropriate. Don’t marry a Health care assistant. Your complaints of a sore throat will hardly be heard. Don’t marry a Health care assistant. They spend so much of their energy on their patients that they have nothing left to give to you when their shift ends.

    Don’t marry a Health care assistant. They don’t make you a priority when they agree to work on their days off Don’t marry a Health care assistant. 

    They’re so emotionally unstable that sometimes they come home and just cry for no reason. Don’t marry a Health care assistant. They are constantly in crisis about where their life is going. Don’t marry a Health care assistant.

    Marry a Heath care assistant. They are brave enough to take on any challenge. Marry a Heath care assistant. They get up every day to put others first. Marry a Health care assistant. They have the best gut instincts to know when something is wrong. 

    Marry a Health care assistant. They have felt with depths of their hearts unknown to most people. Marry a Health care assistant. They’re always ready to help someone in need. Marry a Health care assistant. They see things that others don’t. Marry a Health care assistant. They give their all and utilize every talent they have. Marry a Health care assistant. They know what it means to sacrifice. Marry a Health care assistant. They were brave enough to embrace a duty that never sleeps. 

    Marry a Health care assistant. They have learned to adjust without complaining. Marry a Health care assistant. They are strong enough to hold back tears until they are alone. Marry a Health care assistant. They never settle for less than they are capable of. Marry a Health care assistant. They succeed in times of unknown. 

    Marry a Health care assistant. They know the value of life. Marry a Health care assistant. They are the best comforters. Marry a Health care assistant. They know time is precious. Marry a Health care assistant. Those quiet moments truly are sacred. Marry a Health care assistant. Because if you have the chance to marry a Health care assistant, that means they are trusting you to help them carry a beautiful burden that you will never understand. Marry a Health care assistant.

  • My Son Will Only Sleep With Poo In His Hands

    My son will only sleep with poo in his hands

    My son is five years old he is happy and kind and of average intelligence, he loves Pokemon and riding his scooter and has lots of little friends at school and in our local area, he is doing well at school, his teacher says he his helpful and popular within the school.

    To look at you would think he was perfectly normal happy little boy, but my son has one very weird obsession.

    My son is obsessed with his own fecal matter, he loves the smell, texture and taste of his poo.

    He will spend ages wiping it on his bedroom wall, just so he can slowly lick it once it had dried, we’ve asked him a million times why he does it but he doesn’t know and says he just can’t stop.

    My son will not fall asleep without a tic tac size piece of poo in his hand, which he rolls around between his thumb and fore finger, it’s a comfort for him.

    His father and I have tried replacing the poo with play doh, even making homemade playdoh which is brown and added scents to it to resemble poo, but it did not work.

    We have seen Doctors, therapists and spoke with the school and everyone has tried to find ways to change our son’s behaviour but as of yet no one has found a tactic or treatment to prevent it.

    At one appointment it was suggested to place a belt with a lock on around his pyjamas so he could not access his poo, my son did not sleep for two days and screamed and cried, he could not cope without his poo comfort, my happy boy was sad, tired and hated everyone, we had no choice but to remove the belt.

    Relatives have said we should just put the belt back on and let him suffer a little longer until he finds another way to comfort himself, but they don’t see the hurt in his eyes and the hate he had for us for doing it to him.

    Not only is it disgusting and unhygienic we are extremely worried for his health, he often gets stys and stomach infections but we can’t put him through the pain of taking the one thing he loves away, once he is asleep we disinfect his hands and room, we ensure we clean all his walls daily and are always on the look out for other techniques and therapies but for now we are hoping he grows out of it on his own.

  • Man Explains His Toilet Trouble

    Last night, I had a near death experience. No, it didn’t involve a gun (although I’d rather get shot again than go through this).

    Until last night, I didn’t understand the term “shit storm” but let me tell ya, after 10 fluid ounces.

    Not 5 fluid ounces.

    Not 7 fluid ounces.

    Not just a swig.

    But after 10 FLUID FUCKING OUNCES, I’m a brand new man.

    Ya ever wonder what two homeless people fornicating on a pile of burning tires next to a pig farm on a 98 degree day with a 80% humidity level smells like? If so, go to Walgreens, spend 4 bucks, get ya a bottle of this bullshit right here, get ya a baby sitter to watch your kids and lock yourself in the bathroom cause you’re about to star in your very own shit show for the next few hours.

    And ya know what? Just when ya think it’s over, when everything stops and you can finally wipe the tears and sweat from your face, that’s when the party starts.

    My soul left my body. Yeah. I pooped out my soul, but when I got to heaven, I got sent back because I brought the smell up there with me.

    It’s all a blur, but at one point. I was looking down on myself from the sky watching all of my internal organs liquefy and spray out of my ass like someone jumped on a balloon full of nutella.

    And then that’s that. Right? you’re done pooping, so you muster up what strength you have left, shaking and weak, you stand up and flush for the 18th time.

    But wait, THERES MORE.

    That’s when you start puking. At this point, I was surprised there was anything left in me. Let alone the 20 piece boneless nuclear wings from zaxbys.

    You know what nuclear sauce feels like when it’s coming out ya nose, throat and ass at the same time?

    I imagine it’s the same feeling as spontaneous combustion.

    After 5 straight minutes of puking and 4 straight hours of pooping, I passed out on the bathroom floor for two hours only to be awoken by my dog licking me to see if I was dead.

    Magnesium citrate? More like magnesium shit-strate into a coma. Shit ain’t no joke. But in all seriousness. This shit did its job. It cleaned me out so good, I even got a clear conscience. 10/10 stars for completely making me into a new man.

    Between the crying and farting and dying and what not, It was one of the worst experiences of my life so far.

    Credit https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100000762470772

     

  • 30 Things The B*stards Never Tell You About Childbirth

    30 THINGS THE B*STARDS NEVER TELL YOU ABOUT CHILDBIRTH

    #1 It hurts.

    #2 No. It REALLY f*cking hurts.

    #3 Imagine simultaneously stubbing your toe while standing on an upturned plug adjacent to a piece of Lego.

    #4 Now multiply that level of pain by TWELVE MILLION.

    (#5 Obviously every woman is different, it doesn’t hurt that much for everyone, some simply “blow the pain away”, and it’s “more pressure than pain” in certain cases.)

    (#6 But for the remaining 99.99999% of us: it f*cking hurts.)

    #7 C sections are by no means the easy option. Have you ever tried taking sole responsibility for the life of another completely helpless human being after any other form of major surgery?

    #8 It doesn’t matter how much you love and trust your birth partner. By the time you are around 95% of the way through the childbirth process, writhing in agony as they stand there, blissfully pain free…you will want to f*cking MAIM THEM.

    #9 Midwives are saints in human form. Anaesthetists even more so.

    #10 Bar epidurals, pretty much all other forms of pain relief that they offer you in labour are about as effective as soothing an amputated limb with a squirt of antiseptic spray and a dinosaur plaster.

    #11 Before going into labour, you will spend a disproportionate amount of time packing your hospital bag, which will contain roughly the amount of items you would need if embarking to set up life on a deserted island in the middle of the ocean.

    #12 You will use roughly 0.21% of these items.

    #13 You will also have spent days, if not weeks, planning the perfect outfit to wear in childbirth which will allow you to labour comfortably whilst still retaining your modesty.

    #14 By the time your cervix has reached 10cm of dilation, your modesty will have fled several hours ago, pursued by a bear, and you could be giving birth wearing nipple tassles and a gimp mask, with an audience of thousands, for all you care.

    #15 You will panic that you will poo yourself in labour.

    #16 And you will poo yourself in labour, by which point you will not give a shit. (Pun entirely intended.) About anything. At all. Ever.

    #17 Speaking of which, childbirth is basically just like having a really big poo.

    #18 If that poo was the size of a badger. And made of barbed wire. And doused with Original Source Mint and Tea Tree shower gel. And came out wielding the upper limbs of Edward Scissorhands.

    #19 Once you’ve had the baby, you have to have the placenta, which all the books kind of gloss over and suggest you won’t notice, because you’ll be so wrapped up in your new baby. For the record, there is nothing I have ever been so wrapped up in, EVER, that means I would fail to notice several pounds of raw flesh falling out of my front bottom.

    #20 Oh, and just when you think it’s all over?

    #21 Stitches.

    #22 And afterpains.

    #23 STITCHES AND MOTHERF*CKING AFTERPAINS.

    #24 F*ck’s sake.

    #25 The first post-birth wee is almost as terrifying as giving birth.

    #26 And don’t get me started on the first post-birth poo.

    #27 Which basically IS giving birth, all over again.

    #28 It is, of course, all totally worth it ♥️

    #29 But those people who tell you that “I just forgot the pain, the moment it was over”?

    #30 Are lying f*cking bastards.

    Credit: www.twitter.com/IKINTST

     

  • Fire And Poo- Funniest Parenting Fail Day

    If anyone hasn’t got children and are planning on having any, below is 2 reasons why you absolutely should never give birth to anything

    The other day I was making sausages mash veg and gravy for the kids. Baring in mind they only eat Richmond.

    Maia comes in. Face like a bucket full of turds

    Maia: I don’t like sausages

    Me: yes you do they’re the ones you always have the only ones you eat.

    Her; no they’re spicy I don’t like them

    Me: * wtf you little tit you’ve had them every couple of weeks for 10 years. They’re fucking Richmond, they’re probably 99.9% offal flaccid looking things with absolutely no spice in them what so ever* they’re no spicy darling you really like them

    Her: well I don’t like them now

    Me: mixing gravy. What are you going to have with your mash then

    Her: shrugs

    Me*opens fridge, freezer and every cupboard like fucking entities have been in* what about nuggets? Turkey emojis? Fish fingers? Actual fish? Fish cakes? Sweet corn? Beans? Pie? Noodles?

    Her: no no no no no

    27 different meal options I gave her 20 fucking 7

    Me:

    Her:

    Me: what the hell then??

    Her:kebab??

    Me; no Maia I’m not ordering you a kebab

    Her storms off upstairs hollering she wants no dinner and I’m pretty sure if she had a door that worked she would have slammed it

    Anyway. The baby’s in bed I’m hoovering and mopping like cinder fucking rella. Muttering obscenities under my breath whilst using the 360 spin mop that is utter shite and hurts my back.

    Low and fucking behold there’s Maia on the kitchen side her head in the cupboard that was open for 20 minutes over and hour ago.

    Me: what are you doing

    Her; I’m having super noodles

    Me: I offered them to you an hour ago. You’re going to have to wait until the floors dry and I’ll do it

    Her: I’ll do it. I’ve read the packet I can do it

    FUCK SAKE.

    Me: ok then just make sure you read it properly and follow the instructions

    Also me: sits down to write shopping list

    I can smell this funny smell. Something not to dissimilar to when I burnt my cheek with molten plastic in the phone box down forest way when I was about 14. Don’t even ask

    Fuck me sideways. Maia comes bursting into the room.

    The microwaves on fire

    For a fat bird I’m off that sofa and in the kitchen like a shot

    There’s fucking flames in the microwave

    Flames

    I’m thinking shit Charlotte she’s boiled them dry. You’ll not get Tesco mum of the year award this year for the 21st year in a row

    I open the door

    Stand back

    Get the baby out

    Grab the inferno in a bowl with a wet tea towel and run for the front door

    I’m like basil fawlty

    Hopping up and down on the spot looking left and right thinking what the fuck am I supposed to do

    I see the bin

    It’s empty

    Binmen came yesterday

    Chuck it in there Charlotte and go get some water

    I get to the kitchen look out the window and the fucking bins on fire

    Wtf??? Why are there flames coming out of the bin

    Maia: I put the guess who and low face boxes in the bin

    Fuck

    The bins on fire

    Anyway I manage to extinguish it before it burns the neighbours fence down

    Took a minute or 2 to recover then I said to Maia, did the water boil dry??

    Her: water? What water? I didn’t know you needed to put water in it

    There were no words. I clearly am not cut out to parent anything

    Ok so today the baby has the shits

    Sore arse and ball sack

    In my infinite wisdom I think let him go nappy free fresh air will do it good

    I go to get the washing in and put the rabbit away

    I’m walking back in with an arm full of washing

    I can’t really see the floor

    I step in something squidgey

    I put the washing on the stairs

    There’s fucking shit everywhere

    My foot prints

    His foot prints

    Hand prints

    There’s shit fucking everywhere

    I’m too scared to look

    There he is sat on the sofa stretching his little todger a yard,  butt naked and covered in his own shit

    There’s shit on the sofa

    There’s shit on the rug

    There’s shit on his face

    There’s shit on my feet

    There’s shit in the hall way

    I ran with him arms out stretched straight up the stairs to the bath

    I’m nauseous

    I’m crying

    I’ve borrowed bleach off the neighbour

    Seriously

    Never give birth to anything

    Full credit Charlotte Blake

  • is he picking up the poo

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  • My Son Will Only Sleep With Poo In His Hand

    My son will only sleep with poo in his hands

    My son is five years old he is happy and kind and of average intelligence, he loves Pokemon and riding his scooter and has lots of little friends at school and in our local area, he is doing well at school, his teacher says he his helpful and popular within the school.

    To look at you would think he was perfectly normal happy little boy, but my son has one very weird obsession.

    My son is obsessed with his own fecal matter, he loves the smell, texture and taste of his poo.

    He will spend ages wiping it on his bedroom wall, just so he can slowly lick it once it had dried, we’ve asked him a million times why he does it but he doesn’t know and says he just can’t stop.

    My son will not fall asleep without a tic tac size piece of poo in his hand, which he rolls around between his thumb and fore finger, it’s a comfort for him.

    His father and I have tried replacing the poo with play doh, even making homemade playdoh which is brown and added scents to it to resemble poo, but it did not work.

    We have seen Doctors, therapists and spoke with the school and everyone has tried to find ways to change our son’s behaviour but as of yet no one has found a tactic or treatment to prevent it.

    At one appointment it was suggested to place a belt with a lock on around his pyjamas so he could not access his poo, my son did not sleep for two days and screamed and cried, he could not cope without his poo comfort, my happy boy was sad, tired and hated everyone, we had no choice but to remove the belt.

    Relatives have said we should just put the belt back on and let him suffer a little longer until he finds another way to comfort himself, but they don’t see the hurt in his eyes and the hate he had for us for doing it to him.

    Not only is it disgusting and unhygienic we are extremely worried for his health, he often gets stys and stomach infections but we can’t put him through the pain of taking the one thing he loves away, once he is asleep we disinfect his hands and room, we ensure we clean all his walls daily and are always on the look out for other techniques and therapies but for now we are hoping he grows out of it on his own.

     

  • Things Only A Slimming World Member Will Understand 

    Things only people who’ve joined slimming clubs will know.

    1. You will wear exactly the same thing to get weighed each week. Even if it’s -2 degrees outside you’ll be wearing a floaty summer dress and freezing your tits off.

    2. You’ve considered weighing in wearing just a swimming costume.

    3. There’s always a Janet in the group who takes 42 cruises a year.

    4. You’ll save all your Syns/Points up in the week so you can neck a bottle of vodka on Friday night.

    5. There’s always a Pauline in group who ate 8 sausage rolls at her cousin’s funeral and put on 5 pounds in a week.

    6. You will not eat a thing before weigh in. Even if weigh in is at 8pm.

    7. You’ll praise a Susan who maintained.

    8. Food on the diet a bit dry? Quark. Need a creamy hit in your pasta? Quark. Broken leg? Quark. End world poverty? Quark.

    9. Group leader: “You can eat a whole bag of pasta if you need to…..but you won’t be able to”

    You: “I beg to fucking differ Linda”.

    10. There will always be one lone man called Peter in group who loses 9 pounds each week. He seems like a lovely chap but you’ll all secretly hate the bastard.

    11. You will be unable to poo before you get weighed. As soon as you get home….massive shit.

    12. The group leader will try to tell you that potatoes cut into strips and sprayed in Fry Light are “better than chip shop chips”. This is bullshit Linda. Bullshit.

    13. A new flavour of Müller Light is announced and it creates a frenzy of riot proportions.

    14. Linda is no skinny cow herself and doesn’t follow the plan.

    15. Syns/Points don’t count if it’s to help cure a hangover. They also don’t count if you’re eating them off another person’s plate.

    16. The car park is always full, if you want to lose weight walk there 

    17. There is always a bitch called Gemma who will have take aways and McDonald’s at the weekend and still lose weight.

     

    Credit Bad Momma & Mums advice

  • Before I Had Children

    Now you’ve all heard the saying before I had children, I never stopped to smell  flowers, I never pulled over to look at horses…

    But we have compiled the real version… the version no one tells you about  before you have children the truth .

    Sometimes with bare hands
    Or talking dogs or creatures in the night garden
    We all need chocolate
    I’m sorry for being such a bad child
    Ok maybe not
    God damn you tiny creatures
    Every bump, every cough
    Sniff test
    They weren’t really friends anyway
    My child loses a shoe every morning
    Especially if you have more than one child
    They do hold in the tummy though
    About everything!!!!
    Trampolines are a no go
    PACK IT IN!!!
    So tired!!!
    Constantly
    Please let me sleep
    Yep that’s poop
    Well a lot more often than I do now
    Boys have terrible aim
    Please baby stay on your back
    More than once

    Finger painting
    Sometimes on purpose

    Share to any mums to be 

  • Boys- The Gross Truth, What You Need To Know

    Now as a mother of two boys, one who is 8 and the other just starting puberty at the age of 11, I wish someone had giving me a heads up a mini pre-warning of the gross and weird things boys do.

    Now I love my boys to death and wouldn’t change (much) about them.

    Ok so these are the things that no one ever tells you about little boys.

    • Farts.. there hilarious to boys and if you have more than one boy they will have farting competition and often will thoroughly enjoy farting on each other.

    • Baby boys get erections…I was shocked when I first saw it and assumed they didn’t erm appear until puberty.

    • Boys like to pull their willy and will openly do this whilst mid-conversation or when in public

    • Boys are proud of their poos and will often call on you to view it.

    • Bogeys are often wiped on siblings, furniture or even eaten.

    • Boys talk…by the time your child is in double figures they will be asking multiple questions about hair on bits, and how does milk get in boobs, they will have no shame in discussing all the things they have learnt off of their friends at school.

    • The words poo and bum are the funniest words ever.

    • Their aim is off! Wee goes on the seat, on the floor, sometimes even on the walls.

    • My boys walk better in heels than me

    • Boys are rarely clean, mud and trees are their greatest play thing

    • Boys are gross they will set each other dares, like sticking 30 marshmallows in their mouth and then end up spitting it out

    • Boys are just as sensitive as girls and that’s absolutely fine.

    • Boys love their mum and will always need you

    Can you think of any more gross truths? If so please add yours in the comments section.