Suffering with fertility struggles… written by Hannah Walker
You start life assuming that if you do want kids when you’re older it will naturally happen straight away. Well that’s what I thought. I met my partner when I was 15 years old, and by 18 we pondered with the thought of starting a family, we had already moved into a home and had full time secured jobs so were financially stable. But as the months ticked by I began wondering what was wrong. My periods became non-existent so I discussed with the DR who referred me for scans. Low and behold I had severe PCOS and both my ovaries were covered in large cysts. No wonder pregnancy was a struggle.
A year passed by and my partner suddenly became very ill and was admitted to hospital for 3 weeks, it caught us both completely off guard. At first we thought it was a stomach bug but it quickly came to light my partner was seriously ill. Consultants were gathered round and began the process of explaining what was happening to him. He was diagnosed with 4 diseases (but that’s for another article!). He had to take a lot of medication daily, including injections. We sat down and spoke about our fertility struggles and we got the devastating news that due to all the medication he was on, it wouldn’t happen naturally. My first priority was my partner’s health, because we were each other’s rocks and I couldn’t bear the thought to be apart from him.
We obviously put trying on hold for a few months until my partner was beginning to feel better. During these months my partner was made redundant, and depression hit him hard. I was still holding down my job as well as struggling to pay everything with one pay cheque. Fast forward time and he rapidly went downhill and was admitted to hospital again. I had no choice but to give up my job to care for him. I began giving up with the idea that we’d ever have children, maybe it just wasn’t our chosen path in life, and I became very depressed with everything piling on top of me. Every time I saw a baby my heart ached, why couldn’t I have that too?
My best friend became pregnant unexpectedly and when she dropped the news to me my heart sank, I cried for hours. I was silently struggling with all these emotions and became angry with myself. I supported her every step of the way, and turned my jealously into love for a new arrival. Every time I picked up a little dress I fought back the tears. What’s wrong with me, why me, what did I do so wrong that I deserved this?
You let your thoughts consume you, every minute of every day, the moment before you shut your eyes to sleep, or lack of sleep, you sit there awake in the dark crying, wanting to scream, but no one hears you, no one really hears you.
Some days you think you’ve got this, you think this will be MY month. Your boobs ache, you’re tired…you take yet another pregnancy test, your heart thumping through your chest, scared to look at the results, imagining what that feeling of a positive sign would feel like. But yet again you’re deflated, another negative. You buy bulk ovulation tests, every day hoping for a darker line, and maybe you do get a dark line. Excitement takes over, maybe it will happen. But yet again you’re let down when your period shows its face. Your period becomes your worst enemy, or in my case lack of periods became my enemy, how was I supposed to ovulate without a period.
There are only so many times you can go back and forth with these emotions, and eventually you hold your hands up in defeat. So what if it doesn’t happen naturally you tell yourself, there’s plenty other alternatives. Maybe medication, maybe IVF…surely they’ll solve my issue.
I booked in for a consolation with a consultant to discuss the next step. The weeks leading up to the appointment I became excited, hopeful.
The one thing that kept me pushing was that I became so desperate for my partner to have a child; all I wanted was a child, our child.
By this point I was 21 and had just celebrated my 21st, I let my hair down and went out with friends to get drunk, forget my problems for just a few hours. But when you’re so consumed with wanting a child, it never leaves your mind. It had the complete opposite affect and instead of enjoying my night out I sat outside on the pavement bawling my eyes out.
Christmas passed and I decided on New Year’s Eve I would enjoy it with close friends. I vowed to myself to not beat myself up in the New Year, take life as it comes whatever route it leads too.
January began and a few weeks into it I woke up screaming in pain…what was wrong with me. Pregnancy was the last thing on my mind; I hadn’t had a period for 6 months. I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t move, the pain was unbearable. I was driven to the DRs who immediately done a pregnancy test which came back negative…at first. I was given high pain medication and told it was appendicitis. On the way home I couldn’t cope with the pain, what was wrong with me?
Half way home I received a phone call, the phone call that changed my life. “The results have changed…you need to come back straight away”. My heart began thumping so hard I could hear it so clearly, my breathing erratic. Surely I wasn’t…pregnant. Even if I was this pain was an alarm bell ringing. I entered the DRs Office and there it sat. The pregnancy test she had removed from the bin.
A strong positive.
I cried instantly and she cradled me in her arms, she knew what this meant to me. She immediately began discussing that this was probably an ectopic pregnancy and she arranged a team at my hospital to take me once I arrived. I left, my head was spinning. I didn’t come all this way to lose a baby, please don’t add more heartache on to what I already feel.
I paced up and down the hospital ward, watching other expectant mothers watching me with a strange look. I was in agonising pain and I couldn’t hide it. I was scanned and there no was sign of a baby…I knew it. In fact there was no sign at all of anything wrong with me. Blood tests were performed and I was put onto a bed with an IV drip. A consultant came in with his team and said we can’t wait for blood test results we need to operate now. I starting shaking, crying, I didn’t know what was happening it was all so fast.
I woke 5 hours later, exhausted. Before I drifted into a sleep the consultant said ‘you nearly died, we saved you’ and I fell into a deep sleep.
The next morning when I awoke the consultant was already sat at my bed. He looked at me and I knew something was bad. He said “Your fallopian tube was wrapped around your right ovary, it was killing it off. If it wasn’t for that positive pregnancy test we wouldn’t have operated so quickly, you’re extremely lucky to be here”. I blurted out “And the pregnancy test?” He responded “we still don’t know, it could still be an ectopic pregnancy, we need to keep an eye on you.”
I eventually went home, I struggled I had infection after infection; I visited the hospital every 48 hours for more blood tests and scans. What was the point in it all? After such invasive surgery no baby would survive it, they even told me that, they told me there was next to no chance now. So why did I still have this glimmer of hope.
And then mid-January I got the call. The most important call of my life. My HCG levels had risen so much that a scan would reveal everything.
The same day me and my partner went to the scan, my mind was all over the place.
At first…nothing…nothing was on the screen. My glimmer of hope had been shot down.
The screen was turned, and there my baby was, there my baby I so desperately wanted for years appeared on the screen. From that moment on I would do everything in my power to protect it.
Pregnancy wasn’t easy on me, but I didn’t mind, every moment would lead to the safe arrival and I was so blessed I was able to become pregnant. On the 8th October 2016 I welcomed to the world my son, Joseph.
I don’t know what the future holds now, whether id ever be able to have more children, but I am so overly blessed for the son I have and my partner that if more children aren’t on the cards for me that’s absolutely fine because if we decide we do want another child, adoption is something I would love to do.
The point of this post is we all deal with struggles; some more than others, but as long as you remain positive and keep fighting your future will lead you to your destination. Your happily ever after.
Fertility struggles are real, there are millions of us silently, or openly suffering. Whether it’s been a year or ten years of trying to conceive, the pain never gets any easier, but I’m here to tell you there is light at the end of this tunnel. Whether it happens naturally, IVF, medication, adoption, surrogacy or any other way if your heart and soul is set on a family it CAN happen.
Don’t suffer in silence, support each other whatever road you lead down.
