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Tag: looks

  • I Don’t Know How To Love The Way I Look

    I don’t know how to love the way I look.

    People say I’m negative about me but I think I’m just honest. I don’t like the way I look. My friends tell me I’m beautiful but do you really see ugly in people you care about?

    Would you ever tell someone you loved that their eyes were too small, nose too big, breasts too saggy, bum too big? I wouldn’t I don’t see any imperfections in someone I love but I see them in myself and when I’m honest about my looks and personality I’m told to shut up or to stop being negative but I don’t know how.

    I’ve always been told that I’m fat, im ugly, im dumb, im boring etc so when I’ve finally got good people I care about and who care about me with no agenda other than they like me I can’t feel better about me. I don’t feel I have someone who can help me see me in a better light or can help me learn to style my hair better or learn the elusive trick to give myself an eyeliner flick no matter how many YouTube videos I watch because I feel like my friends are bored with my attitude but I don’t know how to change it.

    I don’t have any self-confidence that got taken away from me a long time ago. I truly believe I will always be the ugly fat friend. If you have a friend like me please don’t brush off how they feel or tell them to shut up help them. Help them with clothes and make up help them to see how beautiful they really are. Help them to see that actually they are perfect. 

  • This Is What Depression Looks Like, No, Not The Clean Dishes

    This is what depression looks like.No. Not the clean dishes.

    But that there were that many dishes in the first place; that I’ve gone 2 weeks without doing them. 3 days ago I sat on the kitchen floor and stared at them while I cried. I knew they needed to be done. I wanted to do them so bad. But depression pulled me under. It sucked me in. Like a black hole. Rapidly, sinking quick-sand.

    I walked by them morning and night and all day long. And just looked at them. Telling myself that I could do them. Telling myself that I would. And feeling defeated everyday that I didn’t. Making the depression only that much worse because not accomplishing something that needs to be done is failure. Worthless. Failure. Piece of shit. Incompetent. Stupid. Lazy. All things that roll through the mind of someone with depression.

    All. Day. Long. Throw anxiety on top of it, and you’ve got yourself a real treat.            Being scared your husband will leave because he thinks you’re lazy. Being scared to let people into your home because they’ll think you’re nasty. Feeling like you’re failing your kids because for the 3rd night in a row you don’t have any clean dishes to cook dinner on.. so pizza it is. Again. And the worst part of it all, it’s not just with the dishes. The laundry, cleaning, dressing yourself, taking a shower, dressing your kids, brushing your and their teeth, normal everyday tasks. It all becomes a nightmare. A very daunting task.

    Somedays it doesn’t get done at all. Depression is something that “strong” people don’t talk about because they don’t want people to think they’re “weak”. You’re not weak. You’ve been strong for so long and through so many things, that your body needs a break. I don’t even care if the only thing you did today, was put deodorant on. I’m proud of you for it. Good job. I’m in your corner. I’m on your side. I’m not looking for sympathy, not in the slightest. But I am letting everyone know that I’m here for you. I get it. If you need someone to talk to, I’m always here to help.

    Full credit goes to the amazing Brittany Ernsperger