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Tag: Indian
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I want to tell you my story and why Mums advice was created xGemx
I was born in Colchester the youngest child of 4 to an alcoholic mother (she was pissed out of her head giving birth to me lol) I lived with her and my older siblings, my mum would go out and leave us for days on end, my older sister (8) kept us going with tomato ketchup sandwiches for the older ones and sugar-water for me. One day she had been gone for 4 days and the neighbours heard me crying none stop, the police were called and I was rushed to hospital with malnutrition and pneumonia I spent a long time in Colchester hospital fighting for my life.
I was then placed in foster care with one of my siblings.
When I was nearly 4 me and one brother were adopted by a lovely couple and moved to a tiny village. Everything was great.
When I was 13 I wanted some extra spending money so asked at the local Indian restaurant to do some odd jobs wiping tables, washing up etc all was fine until a few weeks later when 5 of them locked me in the store cupboard and raped me. I was 13 and they told me to come back next week or they would show my mum and friends the pictures they had taken.
I was young and dumb and didn’t know that had I told someone it would have stopped there… It continued for 2 more yrs and I still beat myself up that I allowed it to continue.
It affected my home life I was moody and angry I started experimenting with drugs was anorexic and was self harming, I was expelled from school, I even blamed my wonderful caring parents, had they not adopted me I wouldn’t have been raped although I never said this verbally I treated them appallingly!
Aged 15 we moved I was free, but my demons followed me, my head was a mess I looked for comfort in drugs and love from the wrong people, eventually aged 17 I had enough and told myself I was a lesbian and sort comfort in woman. The phase didn’t last long..,.
I got a job in a care home for the mentally ill and loved it I ended up becoming a qualified mental health nurse.
Aged 21 I met a man I became pregnant with my son Harrison, although the relationship didn’t work out due to my insecurities etc. Becoming a mum saved me, the love I had for that child stopped my anger, lifted my self-worth.
Aged 22 I tracked down my biological father and my lost siblings (have no interest in my mother).
When my son was 2 I met someone new and jumped straight into a relationship even though I wasn’t ready I had 2 children by him and the relationship was loveless and abusive.
When my middle son Elijah was 7 months old he had a cot death and after 15 minutes of resuscitation he took a huge breathe, he suffers with sleep apnea now and will stop breathing if he’s unwell or run down, he is also on the autistic spectrum and has dyspraxia but such a funny kind boy.
Me and the little twos dad split 3 years after him cheating on me, he has walked out of his children’s life and has caused me countless problems including reporting me to the police for attacking him with a bag of wellies (if he was gonna get me arrested for something I didn’t do he could have made up a better lie lol) .
I now am a single parent to 3 wonderful children
I suffer from PTSD, but i am strong, I fight each day, I have a great sense of humour and love helping others.
I look back at my past and things could be so different but I’m using my experiences to help others which in turn helps me, Mums advice means so much more to me it’s not just a page or website, it’s bringing people together and people like myself who struggle to say what happened to them out loud can write their feelings down and find people who may be able to help or understand.
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I wish I could be raped again.
I wish I could go back to the moment I was raped again.
I was 13 years old and lived in a small village. There wasn’t much to do and very few shops, just a wine merchants, village store, co-op, a Chinese and an Indian restaurant.
Most of my friends were well off and they would catch the train at weekends and go to the nearest town to the cinema or McDonald’s.
My father worked very hard to support our family but money was tight.
I decided if I wanted to be like my mates I needed to make my own money not have it handed to me like my friends.
I asked the shops for jobs but at 13 no one offered me anything, my last resort was to ask in the Indian restaurant.
They seemed so friendly and said I could help do some washing up on Saturday’s for a whole £10, I was so excited about it.
I turned up on the Saturday at 10am and had planned to go to the local town in the afternoon for the first time ever, I was beaming with pride.
I walked into the restaurant where I was greeted by an employee called Abaz, he was so chatty and friendly and offered me a Pepsi.
After I had drank my drink he asked me if I had ever had “ziggy ziggy”, I was baffled, what on earth was he talking about?
He told me it was time to get started; he showed me to a store room filled with spices, sacks of potatoes and straw on the floor. He grabbed me and threw me to the floor, he un-popped my adidas trousers and ripped off my top.
He held me down and shouted his friends.
Whilst I was laying naked on the store room floor his friend and the owner of the restaurant Shilim set up a video camera.
Abaz then kissed me hard, really really hard, he laughed at my small breasts and told me I was dirty for not shaving my pussy.
He spat on me in between my legs, he pushed himself inside of me. I didn’t say anything, I didn’t move, I stared at the clock above the door and thought to myself, ‘why doesn’t it hurt the people I’ve seen on tv programs?
Once he had finished 3 more took their turns stealing my innocence and laughing that I had never had ‘ziggy ziggy” before as I was bleeding.
Shilim who had been filming me all this time came along, he bit me on my nipples and my lips, he pulled my hair and told me to tell him that I loved him.
Once they had all had enough my clothes were chucked at me and a damp flannel, I was told to clean myself up as I looked a mess. They then closed the door and left me there.
20 minutes later they opened it and told me I was a dirty whore, an unshaven slut. They were going to tell everyone what a filthy prostitute i was and if people didn’t believe them they would show them my porno.
I was told I had to come back each Saturday or everyone would know, my parents would disown me and my friends would hate me.
As a young girl I was naive and vulnerable. I returned at least 100 times, raped over and over again and sold to their friends.
So yes, I wish I could be raped again for the first time just so I could shout NO, I could fight back, I could have kicked and punched and bite them.
I could of told someone, gone to the police, I should of done more to protect myself.
I am not blaming myself for being raped but I am blaming myself for letting them win, for letting them continue the sexual abuse for so long.
I wish I could go back and shake and slap my teenage self so I could tell her she is beautiful, strong, brave and this doesn’t need to happen.
But I cannot change the past, I allowed it to consume me for so long and now I have to find away to let it go away to move forward.
I have never had justice or the revenge I so wanted but what I do have is pride, love and a kind heart and a strength to carry on.