Tag: fault
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Was I Even Raped? Was It My Fault? Help me
I want to share my story as I’m trying to process what happened to me that night and that it wasn’t right and wasn’t my fault…
I had a friend for 20 years, who I trusted dearly, we’d go to one another with problems etc. He’d been away for a while, so he said he’d come or over with wine. I’m a binge drinker so within 3 hours i had drank 1/2 a bottle of wine and.1/2 a.bottle of rum, maybe more. Once it hit I took myself to bed and phoned my partner, I can’t remember our phone call, but he said we was on the phone over two hours.
I carried on drinking during this also, so god knows how much I had consumed by this point. I couldn’t open my eyes, I remember trying and everything was double. My cousin was here not drinking and was trying to feed me coffee via a straw, which I threw up all over her (lovely). She said I passed out shortly after this, she tried giving my friend the hint to go home and after nearly an hour of him just sat there she said she was going to bed. He got up then, went and brushed his teeth, switched all my plugs off and lights came in my room and shut the door, telling my cousin to knock on if she needed anything (I was still asleep and didn’t hear a thing)
The next thing I remember is him telling me to come over, he started to kiss me I then go back out again and my next memory is him asking me where I keep my dog collars, the next thing I remember is being dragged back by force and then nothing. I was on my back the whole time. I then wake up to him I think, performing oral sex on me I remember looking down and thinking whats happening, but I was far too drunk to really respond to what was happening. I went back out and the next thing I remember is him having sex with me, then I got this conscious out of nowhere and told him to stop I’m seeing someone, I kind of remember him scrambling off my body and I just passed out again.
I woke up confused with no knickers on but my bra and shirt on still done up. I was feeling guilty thinking I cheated on my partner and partly traumatized. My main concern for some reason at that time was my partner, someone else had sex with me.
It was under a month ago and i’m hauted by these questions
what if I did want it at the time? What if this is me being dramatic?
what if he’s innocent?
what if I led him on?
I don’t know if this is normal. I spend my days trying to get memories back, then I get upset or confused. Can anyone advice me what to do, was I even raped?
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What If He Tries To Rape Me Again?
I think my relationship may be about to get abusive … it started when I stupidly did not discourage a male from being sexual with me over social media
It was wrong of me and I know that.
I stupidly allowed my PND and low self esteem to take the better of me in that situation
My thought was
“You’re fat and ugly, your partner thinks the same too”
So when another male showed sexual interest I allowed it
While I did encourage him, I didn’t discourage him either
And that was wrong
My partner found out..My partner
My lover
My saviour
My BEST FRIEND
He’s hurt. Of course he’s hurt and I have nobody to blame for that but meHow could I ever hurt him like I have ?!
How could I ever have been so fucking stupid???
We spoke and I thought things were somewhat sorted between usI knew the trust would be hard to rebuild
I know because he’s shattered my trust before
More than once
But that isn’t the point.
He wanted to have sex in the utility room, I said noHe pushed and pushed and forced his penis inside of me
Without consent
Is this rape?God knows I deserve it
I got out of that situation unharmed, I went outside to avoid him for a whileCame back, and he acted as though nothing had happened
Cue bed that night, he again tried to initiate sexI complied, it’s the least I can do after betraying his trust
The sex was rough, I didn’t enjoy it. But I allowed it to continue regardless
Half hour after he finished he wanted to go again, again I complied
It was this time when he strangled me, I couldn’t breathe.I justified it in my head “he’s upset, he wants to hurt me without actually hurting me”
I mentioned it the day after
He “didn’t realise he had done it”
Ok, not to worry
We spent the day together and had a good laugh,I hadn’t laughed like that in such a long time
We had such a good day together as a family
Again, back in bed that night he brought up my infidelityWe spoke, I asked if he wanted to hit me, I felt like I deserved it.
He was horrified I even suggested such a thing
“Id never hit a woman, EVER”
I apologised
He again initiated sex
He wanted anal, I refused
That didn’t stop him
He forced himself in me once again
And despite my screams and crying he continued
I tried to get away, he held me in place while he continued to force sex
I again, thankfully managed to get awayI ran, I was so distraught, I ran to the bathroom
But there is no lock
So, naked, scared and still crying I ran to my car
I drove away
I had nowhere to go. I’d left my phone so couldn’t ring anyone for help
And stupidly, all I wanted was my partner. The man who was my everything
But also the man who he caused me to be in this situation
I returned home, he was looking for me“Are you ok?”
NO, no I am not
“You wanted me to hurt you”
Not like that …
he didn’t understand my point of view
I returned to bed and put some clothes onWhat if he tries to rape me again?
What if this is the start of an abusive relationship?
Is this what I deserve?
He acted like nothing happened. And went away to work in the morningWill tonight be better? Only time will tell?
I know everyone will read this and think
“Why stay?! Take your children and leave!”
But I can’t, it isn’t who he is.
He’s an amazing man, and my entire world
Thankfully I can recognise that what has happened the last two nights is wrong
If it continues, I’m gone.
But for now. I’m hoping he will be the man I love
The caring, affectionate man
I’m hoping this is his way of getting his frustration out for what I’ve done to himI’m hoping this is the end
