Tag: fart

  • Woman Banned From Buses For A Very Weird Reason

    WOMAN BANNED FOR LIFE ON BRADFORD BUSES

    A woman has received a lifetime ban from a Bradford bus company after repeatedly breaking wind in their vehicles. On one occasion a driver was physically sick.

    Bradford Magistrates Court heard how Yolande Pogba, aged 48 from Lumb Lane, Bradford revelled in what she was doing and on most occasions would bend over to create the maximum impact.

    On 18th June 2016, Mrs Pogba (pictured) boarded a packed bus at Bradford Interchange and crouched next to an elderly gentleman. As the bus set off, she let off an excruciating sound from her bottom. Mrs Pogba, clearly impressed with her actions then shouted “Some bastard has squashed a Frog”

    The bus company recorded 148 separate incidents. On the 22nd June, she boarded a bus in Holmewood and forced her way into the drivers cab, repeatedly breaking wind, cupping her hands and rubbing the atrocious smell into the drivers face until he was sick.

    Solicitor Rick Head, representing Mrs Pogba asked for the court to be sympathetic “My client is addicted to Jamaican Rum and kidney beans and unfortunately this brings out the worst in her personality and makes her bottom talk”

    The court fined Mrs Pogba £375 and ordered her to pay £20 compensation to the bus driver – Mr Bob Aloo Bhuna. She was also sentenced to 120 hours community service.

     

  • The Worst Surprise Of My Life

    During lunch at work, I ate 3 plates of beans (which I know I shouldn’t). When I got home, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly, “Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight.” He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and went to answer the call.

    The beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go.

    It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a garbage dump! I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously. Then, shifting to the other leg, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage. Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on releasing atomic bombs like this for another few minutes. The pleasure was indescribable!

    Eventually the telephone farewells signaled the end of my freedom, so I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself.

    My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband returned, apologizing for taking so long.

    He asked me if I had peaked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not.

    At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table, with their hands to their noses, chorused, “Happy Birthday!” 🎂

     

  • Before I Had Children

    Now you’ve all heard the saying before I had children, I never stopped to smell  flowers, I never pulled over to look at horses…

    But we have compiled the real version… the version no one tells you about  before you have children the truth .

    Sometimes with bare hands
    Or talking dogs or creatures in the night garden
    We all need chocolate
    I’m sorry for being such a bad child
    Ok maybe not
    God damn you tiny creatures
    Every bump, every cough
    Sniff test
    They weren’t really friends anyway
    My child loses a shoe every morning
    Especially if you have more than one child
    They do hold in the tummy though
    About everything!!!!
    Trampolines are a no go
    PACK IT IN!!!
    So tired!!!
    Constantly
    Please let me sleep
    Yep that’s poop
    Well a lot more often than I do now
    Boys have terrible aim
    Please baby stay on your back
    More than once

    Finger painting
    Sometimes on purpose

    Share to any mums to be