Saddle in partner, because this is the story of how I went to the ER to retrieve my lost butt plug out of my ass. Its long, but we both know you got time.
First thing though: feel special. I’ve only ever told this story as a novelty to some close friends, selected family members who are no longer surprised with my shenanigans, and the very few people who happened to put me in a conversation where this story was relatable (looking at you Barbara Ann Marie Arquette ).
Anyway, enough foreplay. Thats how I got in this mess 🙄
So I had just moved out of my parents house and in with some roommates. I had a different tinder dude every other day or more: whoring it up with my new found freedom, like Genghis Khan was my idol 🍆🍆🍆🍑🍑🍑 So here comes my offender, let’s call him Beardy. Beardy had, as you might of guessed, a great beard. He also was a boy scout, a boy scout knows his knots, and my kinky ass was done already. Beardy comes over, and we start going at it. A little rope, a little woo-hoo, I’m feeling myself. I decide in a fit of spontaneous inexperience to pull out my 1 dollar butt plug that I got on Wish. You know the one. It’s got a rhinestone, seemed small and innocent enough. WRONG.
We put it in. All smooth sailing 😎 so far. I feel kinky as shit 😏 no one could possibly master my level of seduction. Then Beardy starts to…mess with it? Wiggling it around, tugging on it, being fuckin weird. So I say “hey I think it’s fine where it is, let’s leave it and keep going.” But no no, Beardy continues, and in the only appropriate fashion for the bad sitcom that is my life goes “its okay, I know what I-….” He then gasps. He looks a little concerned. He looks at me. He looks at my dukey hole. He looks back at me again.
“What’s wrong?” I ask him. I’m thinking is my starfish ugly???? I knew I should of bleached it dagnabbit. He goes “uh….its gone.” ITS GONE!?!?!?!
WHAT DO YOU MEAN ITS GONE?
THAT BEDAZZLED ROCKET DIDNT JUST LAUNCH INTO SPACE MOTHER FUCKER.
“I told you not to mess with it!!” I am so upset. He’s telling me to calm down as if telling a woman to calm down has ever ended better than him being hit with a mf car 🚗
“Relax” he says. “I’ve lost much bigger things in MY ass!”
BRUH 🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
I make this fool take me to the hospital. I lived literally a block away, so he drops me off and his ass goes home, to be blocked and never getting to speak to me again 😒
I walk into the ER. Luckily there’s only a few people in the waiting room, so other than the butt plug feeling like an ever ominous dukey waiting to groundhog, I feel a tiny bit better about the situation. I go up to the check in counter and the nurse asks what I’m being seen for. “Uhm….can I…write it down?” I whisper. Obviously if I whisper God can’t hear me. He kinda gives me a look but luckily puts me straight into triage so I can bare my sins. The nurse back there goes straight to the point. “What are you being seen for?”
Ah, yes. The question clouds my brain like the farts trapped in my lower digestive system.
“I uh….lost something. In my butt.” At this point I made a decision. I could either die of embarrassment right here in this hospital, and be the butt of many jokes to cum (get it?) OR I can own it. Make it my own joke to tell. I went with the latter. “I lost a butt plug in my ass” and told him the story thus far. He rubbed the back of his head and was like….let’s just get you in a room.
So I get in a gown, get to a room, and after a bit another nurse comes in. She’s smoking hot 🔥 she puts her hands on her hips, and goes….” So I heard you lost something.” Damn it. I already know this story is going around the nurses stations word for word already, and my dumb ass is rapidly developing a crush on this sassy red head (because priorities?). I repeat my story and she sets up an x-ray for me, all the while lecturing me on how important it is to have butt plugs with a wide base and plenty of lube (obviously she’s flirting with me and doesn’t actually care about the safety of my traumatized anus….right?) When we go to the xray room she INSISTS on holding my gown for me at my neck. My ass is just out. I’m like no I can cover myself, but she marches me there, bare assed, without another word about it.
I’m back in my room finally after making 2 ass out trips in easily the most trafficked portion of the ER. The doctor meets me in there…and he is a SNACC. This dude is 6’6 and handsome as hell. Why do these things keep happening to me? He goes “so….I heard you lost something.” 🤦♀️🤦♀️ he’s pressing around my abdomen making small talk. I ask him how his day was and he goes “oh you know, just a typical Wednesday.” Same dude. Same. Someone please kill me.
Now here is the meat and potatoes for this story. Are you still with me? You should be, because I’m hilarious and these things happen to me so you don’t have to go through it yourself. Here we go.
Doc snaps on some gloves, as does my nurse. This could almost be an awesome kinky fantasy if there wasn’t an egg🥚 blocking the exit that is my poop chute. Doc pulls out a fucking arm sized container of lube. “For these kinda things, you need lots of lube.” snaps glove Lord have mercy. Next he pulls out this scope thats meant to slowly stretch out your anal muscles: I’m thinking this won’t be too bad right? As usual I was dead wrong. He has me get onto all fours on the bed, knees and elbows. I am fully on display. I didn’t see a casting couch anywhere, much to my disappointment. This was my life 🙄🙄 he puts the scope in and starts doing his thing. He’s rooting around, hmming and hawing until eventually he pulls it out and tries using a finger. It’s been about 20 minutes now, and at this point I should just call him daddy.
He puts a hand on the top of my ass. “I’m gonna try something else…and you’re not gonna like it.” Before I have a chance to ask what the hell that means….HE FISTS ME. HIS WHOLE GODDAMN ARM IS ELBOW DEEP IN MY BUNGHOLE. THIS VERY LARGE MAN IS SEARCHING FOR GOLD IN MY EXIT CAVE.
I shriek. The nurse comes running over, hands on my shoulders, shushing me and rubbing my head. “Are you okay?” The doctor asks, one fist in my asshole and the other holding me down so I don’t run through the fucking wall like the Kool Aid man. “I’m fine,” I say, tears streaming down my face. “Just a typical Wednesday. “
I laugh. The doctor laughs. The nurse laughs. My asshole laughed… His fist is still in my Hershey hole.
After a grueling few more minutes he gets it out. I am finally able to deflate. Its washed, put in a neat little bio hazard bag and I’m asked if I would like a keepsake copy of my xray. I said absolutely. On my way out, I see nurses huddled around a computer…with my xray on it. “Omg. I would of freaked out.” Said a nurse. I popped my head over the counter. “Oh don’t worry, I did.” I retold the story, to a great audience and waddled home at something like 6am.
The end!