Tag: Drunk

  • My Boobs Will Have A Panic Attack When I Try To Put A Bra On Again

    I got drunk the other night

    It was a decision.

    99.9% of the time that I drink, the first sip – is a dedication to a night of getting out of my mind. Because i guess thats always been the point, right?

    And I’ve been doing THAT since nearly a decade before i was legally allowed to – so i don’t really fuck around

    Alcohol has basically been eliminated as one of my vices
    The hangover, the hangxiety – honestly, i don’t have the will, orrr the liver to fight those insecurities anymore, when i have 867 other ones to worry about

    But sometimes I’m weak to that particular pull of obliteration – the kind that you can only find at the bottom of a bottle
    And the desire to slip into a whole different state of unconsciousness, gets to me.

    Well, apparently even in lockdown i cant get my shit together
    The ONE day i agree to punishment via liver – and it was fucking

    EASTER

    Because of COURSE it was
    I don’t even know what day it is at the moment, let alone what DATE, it is
    But it was the ONE day out of 8756 in the year, that alcohol is illegal.

    Obviously i was not aware of this when i sent Joe off to the most exciting place on earth at the moment

    He txted me from the supermarket, letting me know the devils news

    Joe doesn’t drink anymore, but his favourite was always Whiskey and lucky for mee, we had a couple of bottles left

    Never in my LIFE have i been a whiskey drinker
    Cheap wine or vodka have always been my nirvana

    I mean, i’d love to be one of those cool, hot, bad ass whiskey drinking bitches.
    I’m just not made that way

    But for the first like 4 drinks – i thought i was
    I was totally into it

    You know that super warm feeling you get as your conscious starts to melt? (Is that your brain dying? 🤔) – it was transcendent

    I had my headphones on LOUD, listening to hype girl music, i was laaughing, and all ‘fuck yeeeh man’ – why the hell don’t i do this anymore? This is amaaazing
    Getting all nostalgic on old songs because I’m OLD, sending messages to my friends, telling them how much i love them – the works

    The drinks got stronger, the more i got used to the taste.

    Now my body – she’s been through some shit
    Some really gross boys, some really bad habits – and a whoole lot of alcohol

    I like to think of myself as a bit of a seasoned wildling 💁🏻‍♀️ – so what was a bit of Whiskey gunna do?

    Fuck me UP – that’s what it was gunna do. And that’s exACTly what it did

    Honestly, i have no idea how much i actually drank. It wouldn’t have been a whole lot
    My 15 year old self would have called me a pussy anyway, put it that way

    I was sideways on the couch in the studio (the sinners room) doing that little dance inside my head when the end is nigh
    You know the one – where the world spins around you and you wish you were dead?

    THAT’S when i remembered what kind of a world we are living in now
    One without cheeseburgers or Uber eats

    And i decided i wanted NO part in it
    I mean, why would you EVER get to this level of blur – when there is NO McDonald’s to save you?

    So i went to bed
    Which I have no recollection of.

    But I DO remember waking up every two hours like a god damn baby, and vomiting – until my throat burned with regret and bile

    Ohh yeh hi 👋🏼 – THIS is why i don’t drink

    Because its almost imPOSSible for me to stay just on the verge or precipice if you will, (😌) of fucked up – i have to THROW myself allllll the way over it, until nothing exists anymore

    As well as the fact that the next day always brings debts for my soul to pay
    And in this new world we live in – i just couldn’t give it what it needed
    Heealing foods – like pies and KFC

    I said ‘grace’ – to a bottle of old friend Blue Powerade and screamed when i realised i hadn’t remembered to get two. Joe was absolutely NOT going to go back to the dairy for me

    And Human STILL made me do the dishes in my precious state – she wouldn’t even accept cash bribes. I told her that i will never, ever forget it, don’t worry.

    She’s been kept pretty sane through the last three weeks – thanks to the fact that her boyfriend is here

    Lawwd, this lockdown would have looked a whooole lot different if i was a teenager when it happened. I absoluuutely would have been caught in the middle of the night going from one boys bubble to another

    And then i probably would have got Coronavirus and died.

    Week three and still nothing has wildly changed in my world

    I’m still working, still emotionally distancing myself and STILL not doing anything productive
    However i do miss, my like – 4 friends and their tiny humans

    And oh my GOD – honestly I’m WET just thinking about a barista coffee
    I can remember my very last one, having no idea thats what she would be 😪

    Having to MAKE meals – like every SINGLE one – thats breakfast, lunch AND dinner – for multiple people – is head doing when you live in the 1920’s and don’t have a dishwasher yet – and an oven that broke down in week two

    I mean – I wouldn’t know, but human tells me thats the case.

    But to be honest – I feel safe in my bubble

    It’s an upside down brain person’s dream

    For example, i always imagine how everyone close to me could die in the most WILD ways. More times than is like – normal
    Obviously my biggest fear is losing the ones i love. The ones that iii need, to keep breathing

    But now – because most of them are stuck inside this bubble with me – it cuts out like 78% of all the bad things that could go wrong and kill them.

    So i feel safe 🤷🏻‍♀️

    I’m well aware that I’m fucked up, honestly
    That’s only a PEEK into what it’s like inside my head. And I LIVE here

    So when the time comes – and we can socialise DISTANTly – and i dont have everyone in my sight anymore – iiiim not sure how into that i am yet tbh

    My poor therapist, she already has a whole lot of crazy to unravel. Having virtual therapy is amazing though, she may just never see me in person again

    Neither she, nor my colleagues – can tell i don’t have pants on
    To be fair – they probably don’t have them on either – but HOW good that we can ALL be comfortable in that situation?

    My boobs will have a panic attack when i try to put a bra on them again one day.

    But yeh, that’s basically as exciting as its been for me 💁🏻‍♀️

    We can talk later about what brought me to the point of needing to lose consciousness – but we’re neearly there Team!

    Only a WEEK until i can go and get my coffee – then go riiight back on inside 🥰

    Love you x

    🖤

    Trigger warning : this photo was taken pre-lockdown lololol

    Credit https://www.facebook.com/growingahuman/

  • It’s Sad How Relatable This Is To Some People

    ‼️ Trigger Warning ‼️

    You pray for quiet, Inside your head the screams won’t silence.

    I remember those days, the fear that’s in your bones, It just won’t go away.

    The strangle holds, the insulting names,

    The wound up shirt around his fist, the nose to nose beer stinking breath.

    Thrown down onto the floor, so battered, bruised and sore.

    The hush is all I need, to hush the misery

    The hush that belongs to me, like the hush inside of dreams. Just be still and pray, and let the noise just fade away.

    You just can’t stand the touch, affection weighs too much, You push everyone away,

    Whipped so bad I pissed myself still with a beating from the belt. If this reminds you of home, you better know you’re not alone.

    These are the memories we keep

    We don’t want to show! We don’t want to show!

    By now you need to know, You’re not alone.

    ~ Hush by Hellyeah

     

    April hired me to tell her story. It’s not a pretty or fun story to tell. But it represents a big chunk of her life. Our hope with these photos is that we will not only start a conversation on domestic violence but show anyone going through it that you’re not alone and you can get help. It’s sad how many of you will relate to these photos and if these cause distress that is not my intention. I want people to remember behind the makeup and beautiful smile everyone has a story. Some harder to tell than others. Be kind.

    Instagram.com/Kickassdesigns

    Models: Troy R & April K /// Amazing makeup by Megan B. /// Shot by https://www.facebook.com/LanceReis

     

  • You Destroyed Our Lives, We Need Justice

    To the 2 individuals who I won’t even write your names. 2 years ago today your thoughtless actions changed the once perfect world we had.

    You awoken knowing your plans for the day of driving round in an already stolen car without any care or regard for any body else. Driving around recklessly and enjoying your trips to a cafe and gym.

    Then after seeing a police car you drove through 2 red lights at 83mph in a 30mph zone! You struck 2 very important people to me. One of them was my mother in law Angela who had worked her whole life to give her family and children everything they needed. Then took early retirement to help me and Rebecca look after our children so we could try to do the same for them.

    The other one was my so small and precious 4-year-old Violet-Grace! You was going so fast she was thrown through the air to the next crossing island, which was over 50 meters away!

    You got out of the car and both stepped over her tiny broken body dying in the road not thinking about helping just about making your escape. Then someone who stopped to help thought one of you was coming back to help, but no just to get a small black bag of evidence out of the car.

    After one of you getting your passport from home you was on a flight with in 3 hours to Amsterdam to “smoke some weed and clear your head.” While the other was already getting your hair cut and making your way to Scotland.

    Violet spent nearly 36 hours fighting for her life but her injuries due to your actions where far too much for her little body to take. The next day, the 25th march Violet took her last breath in mine and her mummy’s arms! Violet saved 2 lives through Organ Donation of people she never knew or met. Violet would have saved more lives but her other organs where to badly damaged. She saved the lives of people she never knew or met. While you 2 couldn’t even stop to try to help save the lives of the 2 people you put in that situation!

    We had to say goodbye to our little superhero knowing she would become someone else superhero.

    Violet-Grace will for ever be a superhero. What you did will never be forgotten. I hope that day haunts your dreams as it does mine.

    So far 99,446 people agree your sentence was an insult. Already now you’s are nearly half way through your sentence counting down the day until you can go home. While we are still trying to pick up what pieces of our life you’d left us.

    Violet-Grace will never come home again. She never get to play with her little brother or grinds again.

    This is why this petition needs to reach the 100000 signatures so people like you get a sentence that will never be enough but will at least be some where enough time to really think about the lives you have destroyed!

    Please click the link to sign

    https://petition.parliament.uk/petitions/236952

    By Glen Youens

  • Was I Even Raped? Was It My Fault? Help me

    I want to share my story as I’m trying to process what happened to me that night and that it wasn’t right and wasn’t my fault…

    I had a friend for 20 years, who I trusted dearly, we’d go to one another with problems etc. He’d been away for a while, so he said he’d come or over with wine. I’m a binge drinker so within 3 hours i had drank 1/2 a bottle of wine and.1/2 a.bottle of rum, maybe more. Once it hit I took myself to bed and phoned my partner, I can’t remember our phone call, but he said we was on the phone over two hours.

     I carried on drinking during this also, so god knows how much I had consumed by this point. I couldn’t open my eyes, I remember trying and everything was double. My cousin was here not drinking and was trying to feed me coffee via a straw, which I threw up all over her (lovely). She said I passed out shortly after this, she tried giving my friend the hint to go home and after nearly an hour of him just sat there she said she was going to bed. He got up then, went and brushed his teeth, switched all my plugs off and lights came in my room and shut the door, telling my cousin to knock on if she needed anything (I was still asleep and didn’t hear a thing)

    The next thing I remember is him telling me to come over, he started to kiss me I then go back out again and my next memory is him asking me where I keep my dog collars, the next thing I remember is being dragged back by force and then nothing. I was on my back the whole time. I then wake up to him I think, performing oral sex on me I remember looking down and thinking whats happening, but I was far too drunk to really respond to what was happening. I went back out and the next thing I remember is him having sex with me, then I got this conscious out of nowhere and told him to stop I’m seeing someone, I kind of remember him scrambling off my body and I just passed out again.

    I woke up confused with no knickers on but my bra and shirt on still done up. I was feeling guilty thinking I cheated on my partner and partly traumatized. My main concern for some reason at that time was my partner, someone else had sex with me.

    It was under a month ago and i’m hauted by these questions

    what if I did want it at the time? What if this is me being dramatic?

    what if he’s innocent?

    what if I led him on?

    I don’t know if this is normal. I spend my days trying to get memories back, then I get upset or confused. Can anyone advice me what to do, was I even raped?

  • I Make My Partner Sleep At His Parents Once A Month

    I am a mum to two children Charlie who is 3 and Robbie who is 11 weeks old.

    I am in a very happy relationship with my partner of 5 years my wonderful boyfriend Jamie he is a wonderful boyfriend and a fantastic father barring his drinking.

    No he isn’t an alcoholic or abusive but once a month he goes out with his mates he crawls home in the early hours and ends up vomiting in the house, urinating on himself or on one occasion mistaking the airing cupboard for a toilet and weeing in it, he never makes it to the bedroom and I often find him asleep on the landing or even on my children’s bedroom floor.

    Since Robbie was born I have banned him from coming home when he has had a drink, he knows he has to go and stay at his friend’s house or go to his parents home which is 3 streets down from ours.

    Last weekend he went out and got very drunk but went to his mums house, the next morning his mother phoned me and called me a psycho for banning her son from coming back to his own house, he works hard and should be able to go out and have a drink and return home without any repercussions or rules in place, she even said it’s not like he’s abusive or violent when he drinks and is a happy drunk.

    I will be sticking to this rule though I do not want my children to witness their loving father asleep in his own vomit or urine or my partner to ruin our lovely home.

    Please tell me I’m not the only woman in the world who makes their partner do this, it’s not like I’m stopping him from seeing his friends I understand he needs his time and to go out and enjoy himself and I will not stop him but I sure as hell will stop my kid growing up thinking this is the norm.