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  • Before Daddy Left For Work

    Before Daddy left for work this morning, Daddy did not have to give Mummy a list of things the children needed. He did not have to ask Mummy to watch the children for a few hours. He didn’t have to give Mummy a single prompt on how to look after her own children, because Mummy knew.

    1. At 3:25pm Daddy arrived home from work. He had ever so kindly (although begrudgingly) helped Mummy out by fetching their eldest child from school on his way home.
    2. As Daddy and the eldest child walked through the door, Mummy whom was stood at the sink washing the dishes greeted them with a lovely and jolly ‘hello! Are you both ok?’
    3. Mummy had lovingly prepared and cooked the family dinner. Because Mummy knew that everyone needed feeding. Mummy did not need asking if she was planning on feeding the children, Mummy just knew.
    4. During the day whilst Daddy had been busy being very important at work Mummy had spent what felt like twenty-thousand hours cleaning, washing clothes, hoovering the carpets and tidying away toys. Then redoing it every time her feral youngest child decided to fuck it all right up again.
    5. When Daddy arrived home he did not need to ask Mummy if they had been victims of a reverse burglary.
    6. When Daddy arrived home from work Mummy was not sprawled out on the carpet watching Ben and holly’s little kingdom whilst chaos erupted around her.
    7. At 5pm when Mummy had to pop out to work for a couple of hours, Mummy asked Daddy if he would mind watching the children for a couple of hours. Mummy asked Daddy if he could possibly feed them some supper before bed, maybe even bath them if he could manage it by himself.
    8. When Mummy walked in from work at 7pm…a mere 2 hours later, the house looked as if someone had indeed reverse burgled the house. It looked as if a massive sodding Smyth’s toys lorry had arrived, the driver had tipped the whole contents of the bastarding lorry onto the living room floor and then sprinkled a box of coco pops on top of the massive pile of plastic for an extra special treat.
    9. When Mummy walked in from work at 7pm…a mere two hours after she had left, she witnessed Daddy, sprawled out on the floor amongst the massive pile of plastic and coco pops, calmly viewing Ben and Holly’s little kingdom whilst the smallest child sat emptying every pan out of the cupboard in the kitchen.
    10. When Mummy nipped upstairs for a quick wee, she quickly realised Daddy the amazing had actually managed to bath of the children. Mummy felt ever-so-grateful as she followed a trail of 56 wet towels lay on the floor leading towards a bath full of freezing cold water and 234 toys floating within it that needed to be fished out. She felt even more grateful once she realised Daddy had also learnt to multitask! Shaving at the same time as bathing the kids was a real talent. Mummy was so pleased she had scrubbed the sink earlier in the day for it now to be infested with facial hair.
    11. When Mummy asked Daddy if the children had eaten their supper, Daddy informed Mummy that neither of the children fancied milk with their coco pops, that they requested them dry. Hence why the living room now had a twatting dusting of them. Daddy informed Mummy he had already picked a few up.
    12. When Mummy asked Daddy why the eldest child was wearing pyjamas that were approximately 3 sizes too small, Daddy informed Mummy that he was not sure where all of her pyjamas were kept. Daddy snapped at Mummy and told her that nothing was ever good enough for her.
    13. When Mummy noticed the sink was yet again full of pots, even though the children had only been fed dry cereals straight from the box, Mummy thought she might actually just spontaneously combust.
    14. When Mummy called Daddy a useless scruffy Cockwomble as she began to rage clean for the eighty-eighth time that day, Daddy looked surprised. After all…Daddy had done everything Mummy had asked him to.

    “What is wrong with you? Why are you in a bad mood?” Asked the oblivious Cockwomble.

    “It’s a twatting mystery when I should be feeling so grateful.” Replied Mummy.

    Then Mummy drank wine.
    Mummy drank Lots and lots of lovely wine as she wondered what fresh hell would await after her considerably longer than 2 hour shift the next day.
    The end.
    🤣🤣

    Credit https://www.facebook.com/laughwithmummy/

  • Daddy The Cockwomble

    It was Thursday morning, Daddy had booked the day off of work to go Christmas shopping with Mummy.

    Ohhh, it will be nice to have a bit of help during the morning rush Mummy thought.

    1. At 6am, Daddy, Mummy and the children began their day, as Mummy began to label a pear then ensured the eldest child had everything she needed for her day at school, Daddy sat in his dressing gown, engrossed in the Wiggles.

    2. At 6:15am, Mummy prepared breakfast for both of the small humans, she popped upstairs to fetch both of their outfits for the day, on her way asking Daddy if he would mind keeping an eye on HIS, his own children whom were both tucking into their chocolate hoops happily.

    3. On returning from fetching the children’s outfits, Mummy noticed Daddy, whom was still sat in the same spot, still watching the Wiggles in his dressing gown, simply hadn’t noticed that the youngest child had distributed her chocolate hoops all around the kitchen. For fuck sakes, thought Mummy, is it that bloody difficult to supervise for 2 minutes?

    4. Mummy then attempted to apply a coating of make up onto her tired looking face, she managed to achieve the final look of- ‘still absolutely bollocksed but trying to hide it’ with only 25 mini intervals of chaos, all whilst, of course, Daddy sat in his dressing gown, watching the Wiggles.

    5. As Mummy casually mentioned it was nearly time to get both children dressed, their hair brushed and their shoes on, Daddy realised he instantly needed a wee.

    6. Daddy magically returned 45 minutes later, after both children had been lovingly dressed, they were both looking smart complete with styled hair, and their shoes were placed firmly on their feet. Daddy was still not dressed. Daddy then announced that he would need to iron his shirt before he could possibly complete his getting ready routine.

    7. Mummy was starting to get a little bit fucked off with Daddy the cockwomble, whom had been of the use equivalent to a twatting chocolate fireplace during the getting ready routine, Mummy’s face said it all.

    8. “What’s wrong with you?” The cockwomble questioned Mummy, genuinely oblivious to the chaos unravelling around him as he ironed his shirt. “Oh nothing darling, I’m enjoying the help!” Replied Mummy in her best sarcastic tone.

    9. When Daddy had finally completed his get ready routine and Mummy had completed everyone else’s apart from her own, she then asked him if it would be ok with him if she nipped back upstairs to get herself dressed. The cockwomble then decided this would be a brilliant time to announce he now needed to put the bin out.

    10. Master bin man Daddy was appalled by Mummy’s bad attitude when she asked him if he could possibly wait 5 twatting minutes to put the bin out, just whilst she put some clean knickers on upstairs without an audience, without being asked why her fanny resembled Fluffy the long haired Guinea pig.

    11. Mummy packed the smallest child’s bag for a day at Grandma’s house, she asked Daddy whom had now managed the stressful task of getting himself dressed and resumed his position in front of the Wiggles, if he would mind just popping a packet of wet wipes into the bag. Daddy then moved at the speed of a sloth, looking from left to right, pretending to look for the pack of wipes which were exactly where they always were. In the draw. “Where are the wipes??” Daddy asked, in attempt to piss Mummy off so much, she would fetch them herself.

    12. After 54 disagreements over a plastic pig, two nappy changes, one heartbreak over a broken flashing wand, 20,000 never ending requests for juice and a world ending realisation that it was a pear for snack and not grapes, all whilst Daddy watched the telly or got himself ready for the day, everyone was finally ready to leave the house.

    13. “You get the kids in the car!” Daddy said to Mummy whom was putting on the children’s coats, the cockwomble had forgotten to put out the bin whilst he had been so busy watching children’s programmes.

    “One job!” Laughed Mummy. “You had one job!”

    “Well apparently it wasn’t convenient!” Snapped Daddy whom hadn’t worked out that in the 3 hours he had to put the bin out he chose the exact moment Mummy needed to get dressed.

    It was Mummy’s fault.

    It was all Mummy’s fault.

    What a selfish bitch she was, trying to get herself dressed.

    “I don’t understand why you are so grumpy today?” Daddy asked Mummy.

    “No neither do I? After all that help I’ve had this morning too!!” Snapped Mummy.

    And then Mummy and Daddy went Christmas shopping, and heard all about how hungry Daddy was during the shopping spree due to him not having time to grab any breakfast thanks to the strenuous job of putting the bin out.

    “I know! Let’s go out for dinner!” Mummy said, with a cunning plan to get absolutely shitfaced whilst the cockwomble was the designated driver.

    “Let’s get you fed, you’ve had an extremely busy morning putting the bin out.”

    🤣🤣🤣

    Cheers!!! Happy Thursday! 🍷 🍷 🍷

    #laughwithmummy

    #xmasshopping

    #daddythecockwomble

    #cocktails

    #passthecocktails.

    Credit https://www.facebook.com/laughwithmummy/

     

  • The Differences Between A Mummy And A Daddy Lie In

    Mummy and Daddy take it in turns to have a lie in at the weekends. They are each allocated one day to have an extra couple of hours in bed.

    Mummy has noticed there are a few small differences between her morning lie in routine and Daddy’s.

    Daddy’s routine.

    1. Daddy does not have regular visits in bed where he is poked and stared at to check if he is yet awake.

    2. Daddy does not give up on his lie in around 6am and get up.

    3. Daddy comes straight downstairs after his leisurely 2 hours extra In bed and straight away makes himself a coffee and toast.

    4. Daddy goes straight back upstairs after toast and coffee for a 45 minute toilet break.

    5. Daddy returns and sits engrossed in children’s programmes.

    Mummy’s routine.

    1. Mummy is visited in bed 10 minutes into her lie in, she is poked, stared at, and alerted by the word FINISHED!!!! When she is needed in the bathroom instantly.

    2. Mummy gives up 30 minutes into her designated lie in and gets up.

    3. Mummy arrives downstairs at what only can be described as a disaster zone.

    4. Mummy sees Daddy lying on the sofa in the foetal position, looking like he is suffering with post traumatic stress.

    5. Mummy tidies up the twenty thousand toys on the floor whilst daddy goes for a 45 minute toilet break.

    6. Mummy feeds the children a ‘proper’ breakfast that doesn’t consist of Dairylea singles and digestive biscuits. Daddy says Isla didn’t want cereal, she wanted cheese.

    7. Mummy picks up Daddy’s dirty breakfast pots from the floor in the living room and bangs them down on the side in the kitchen to let Daddy know he is a scruffy cock womble.

    8. Mummy is informed the children have been awfully hard work in the 30 minute time span Daddy has had to look after them.

    9. Mummy is given a list of all of the things both children did that were challenging in the 30 minutes Mummy was ‘resting’.

    10. Mummy orders Daddy a large medal off of eBay as she fills the washing machine then changes the baby’s bum.

    11. Mummy washes the pots that are invisible to Daddy as he stands watching next to her, hiding from the children in the living room.

    12. Mummy asks Daddy why his dirty clothes are in the middle of the living room floor. Daddy says he took them off there last night. Mummy is getting cross. Daddy missed the subtle hint that he should pick his dirty clothes up off of the bastarding floor immediately.

    13. Mummy finally gets around to having some toast an hour and a half after she has arrived downstairs. Daddy tells Mummy he is too feeling a little peckish, Mummy thinks it must have been hard for him only managing to eat a bowl of cereal, half a pack of biscuits and 2 slices of toast whilst the children ran him ragged for a whole 30 minutes. Daddy stands right where mummy needs to be stood to butter her toast… still avoiding the children.

    14. Daddy sits watching the children’s programmes on TV whilst the little one empties a full packet of baby wipes onto the carpet and the biggest hounds Mummy in the kitchen to get the play dough out.

    15. Daddy asks Mummy why she is a bit grumpy. Mummy says she just can’t fucking think why she would possibly be feeling grumpy on her designated lie in day.

    😂😂😂

    #lieinday

    #sunday

    #passthewine

    #laughwithmummy

    Credit https://www.facebook.com/laughwithmummy/

     

  • Daddy How Much Money Do You Make An Hour?

    SON: “Daddy, may I ask you a question?”

    DAD: “Yeah sure, what is it?”

    SON: “Daddy, how much do you make an hour?”

    DAD: “That’s none of your business. Why do you ask such a thing?”

    SON: “I just want to know. Please tell me, how much do you make an hour?”

    DAD: “If you must know, I make $100 an hour.”

    SON: “Oh! (With his head down).

    SON: “Daddy, may I please borrow $50?”

    The father was furious.

    DAD: “If the only reason you asked that is so you can borrow some money to buy a silly toy or some other nonsense, then you march yourself straight to your room and go to bed. Think about why you are being so selfish. I work hard everyday for such this childish behavior.”

    The little boy quietly went to his room and shut the door.

    The man sat down and started to get even angrier about the little boy’s questions. How dare he ask such questions only to get some money?

    After about an hour or so, the man had calmed down, and started to think:

    Maybe there was something he really needed to buy with that $ 50 and he really didn’t ask for money very often. The man went to the door of the little boy’s room and opened the door.

    DAD: “Are you asleep, son?”

    SON: “No daddy, I’m awake”.

    DAD: “I’ve been thinking, maybe I was too hard on you earlier. It’s been a long day and I took out my aggravation on you. Here’s the $50 you asked for.”

    The little boy sat straight up, smiling.

    SON: “Oh, thank you daddy!”

    Then, reaching under his pillow he pulled out some crumpled up bills. The man saw that the boy already had money, started to get angry again. The little boy slowly counted out his money, and then looked up at his father.

    DAD: “Why do you want more money if you already have some?”

    SON: “Because I didn’t have enough, but now I do.

    “Daddy, I have $100 now. Can I buy an hour of your time? Please come home early tomorrow. I would like to have dinner with you.”

    The father was crushed. He put his arms around his little son, and he begged for his forgiveness. It’s just a short reminder to all of you working so hard in life.

    We should not let time slip through our fingers without having spent some time with those who really matter to us, those close to our hearts.

    Do remember to share that $100 worth of your time with someone you love?

    If we die tomorrow, the company that we are working for could easily replace us in a matter of days.

    But the family and friends we leave behind will feel the loss for the rest of their lives. And come to think of it, we pour ourselves more into work than to our family.

    Some things are more important.

    Image Katniss and peeta

     

  • Dear Daddy A Message From Your Newborn

    Dear Daddy… a message from your newborn

    For now, I need your deep rolling voice and strong gentle hands. I need your warm skin and scratchy kisses, your loving smile and clumsy laughter. I need you to look after tired, exhausted mummy, and to be patient with us through the long days and longer nights. To make cups of tea, and do the laundry. To comfort me in the long dark nights, rocking me gently, as you walk me up and down the dark hall.

    It feels like forever but it passes quickly, you’ll just have to trust me on that.

    For soon, you’ll be back at work. Earning money to help provide food and shelter for mummy and I. You’ll go to work at 8am, sometimes after already being awake with me for hours. You’ll come home, exhausted and grumpy, to a partner who all too often has nothing left to give. This is when I will need you most.

    I will need you to be the rock in the storm. To cuddle me in your gentle, strong arms, while you face down mummy’s desperate cries with tender words and firm hugs. You won’t always get it right, and sometimes you’ll get it very wrong, but Daddy, I promise I’ll love you all the same. In those moments, I’ll need you more than anything, to forgive yourself and mummy quickly. To warm the room with your laughter, and show me that sometimes, it’s ok to be wrong.

    One day, I’ll be big. A princess, a ballerina, an explorer, a dragon or a powerful witch. I’ll ask you to play the same game, over and over, and I need you to play with me Daddy. To put your phone away, leave your stresses behind, and just play. And through this, Daddy, you’re teaching me of my self-worth.

    As I grow older, you might feel like you understand me less, but I’ll need you more. I’ll need you to take my hand and guide me up those first few branches, then let go and watch me climb. I’ll need your calm confident voice that says “you can do it”. I’ll be afraid at first, but I’ll push myself forward, because I’ll know, as I’ve seen all my life, that if I fall, you’ll be there to catch me.

    Then, in a long, long while, I will decide to go out on my own. You might think it’s too soon, and you’ll probably be right, but at that time I’ll need you to trust in the girl you raised so well, and believe in me the way I believe in myself… thanks to you.

    But for right now, Daddy – your deep rolling voice and strong gentle hands are enough.

    Credit https://www.facebook.com/villagekiwi.co.nz/

     

  • The Differences Between A Mum Lie In And A Dads

    Mummy and Daddy take it in turns to have a lie in at the weekends. We are each allocated one day to have an extra couple of hours in bed.

    Mummy has noticed there are a few small differences between her morning lie in routine and Daddy’s.

    Daddy’s routine.

    1. Daddy does not have regular visits in bed where he is poked and stared at to check if he is yet awake.

    2. Daddy does not give up on his lie in around 6am and get up.

    3. Daddy comes straight downstairs after his leisurely 2 hours extra In bed and straight away makes himself a coffee and toast.

    4. Daddy goes straight back upstairs after toast and coffee for a 45 minute toilet break.

    5. Daddy returns and sits engrossed in children’s programmes.

    Mummy’s routine.

    1. Mummy is visited in bed 10 minutes into her lie in, she is poked, stared at, and alerted by the word FINISHED!!!! When she is needed in the bathroom instantly.

    2. Mummy gives up 30 minutes into her designated lie in and gets up.

    3. Mummy arrives downstairs at what only can be described as a disaster zone.

    4. Mummy sees Daddy lying on the sofa in the foetal position, looking like he is suffering with post traumatic stress.

    5. Mummy tidies up the twenty thousand toys on the floor whilst daddy goes for a 45 minute toilet break.

    6. Mummy feeds the children a ‘proper’ breakfast that doesn’t consist of Dairylea singles and digestive biscuits. Daddy says Isla didn’t want cereal, she wanted cheese.

    7. Mummy picks up Daddy’s dirty breakfast pots from the floor in the living room and bangs them down on the side in the kitchen to let Daddy know he is a scruffy cock womble.

    8. Mummy is informed the children have been awfully hard work in the 30 minute time span Daddy has had to look after them.

    9. Mummy is given a list of all of the things both children did that were challenging in the 30 minutes Mummy was ‘resting’.

    10. Mummy orders Daddy a large medal off of eBay as she fills the washing machine then changes the baby’s bum.

    11. Mummy washes the pots that are invisible to Daddy as he stands watching next to her, hiding from the children in the living room.

    12. Mummy asks Daddy why his dirty clothes are in the middle of the living room floor. Daddy says he took them off there last night. Mummy is getting cross. Daddy missed the subtle hint that he should pick his dirty clothes up off of the bastarding floor immediately.

    13. Mummy finally gets around to having some toast an hour and a half after she has arrived downstairs. Daddy tells mummy he is too feeling a little peckish, Mummy thinks it must have been hard for him only managing to eat a bowl of cereal, half a pack of biscuits and 2 slices of toast whilst the children ran him ragged for a whole 30 minutes. Daddy stands right where mummy needs to be stood to butter her toast… still avoiding the children.

    14. Daddy sits watching the children’s programmes on TV whilst the little one empties a full packet of baby wipes onto the carpet and the biggest hounds mummy in the kitchen to get the play dough out.

    15. Daddy asks Mummy why she is a bit grumpy. Mummy says she just can’t fucking think why she would possibly be feeling grumpy on her designated lie in day.

     

    Credit https://www.facebook.com/laughwithmummy/

     

  • handsome like daddy

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  • careful daddy

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  • Daddy’s Asleep So From Midnight It’s Just You And I

    “Daddy’s Asleep”

    I love your daddy, I really do,

    After all, without daddy, I wouldn’t have you.

    So from midnight till sunrise, it’s just you and I.

    And as each hour passes, I’m not gonna lie:

    Mommy’s love slowly fades, becomes angry and weak,

    Because no matter what, your dad is f***ing asleep!

    It all starts out lovely. We kiss each other goodnight.

    We look lovingly down at you dear, such a beautiful sight.

    An hour later, mommy wakes with a start.

    You’re twisting and turning, you’re starting to fart.

    You’re gesturing for food. Mommy is there

    with a bottle or breast

    Daddy is snoring away, the way he knows best.

    Mommy burps you, and holds you and rocks you with care.

    You spew foul smelling yogurt on mommy’s freshly washed hair.

    As mommy changes her shirt, and mops vomit off the floor.

    Your daddy farts, rolls over and continues to snore.

    Mommy’s maternal alarm goes off, it’s not even three!

    You’re stirring again, you’re hungry and staring at me!

    “I think she is hungry” your daddy offers, pulls duvet over his head,

    Mommy sends him a death stare and rolls out of bed.

    Mommy comes back, tired and drained and what is this I see?

    Your daddy has taken over my side, doesn’t give a f*** about me!

    Mommy kicks him and pushes him angrily away.

    “What’s up love?” He moans in a lovingly way.

    Your daddy has no clue he is under attack.

    He wraps his arms around me and kisses my back.

    And just as my love for daddy is back on the rise,

    You start to coo in your crib and open your eyes.

    And daddy gently nudges me to attend to your need.

    I give him the finger as I prepare for a feed.

    But as the sun starts rising, the slate is wiped clear.

    I’m back to full love for your daddy and for you my dear.

    I forget that daddy sleeps while you cry and you poo.

    It’s back to kissing and hugging and doting on you.

    Soon you’ll grow up and be daddy’s little girl.

    You’ll not remember me cleaning up shit and vomit hurl.

    Whilst you sit on his lap and he sings you a song,

    You’ll love him and think daddy could do nothing wrong.

    But my sweet love, here is a poem for you to keep,

    So you know that all those long nights, dad was f***ing asleep!

    Credit Caroline Andersen

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