Tag: Coffee

Starbucks, we need to have a f*cking talk.

Whoever invented these things needs to go to f*cking prison for not supplying a warning label.

I am an avid coffee drinker. Several cups a day nearly every day, for at least, bare minimum, 7 years. I have taken high content caffeine supplements before to keep me going. I am no stranger to caffeine. I like the energy jolt.

When I go to an actual Starbucks, I often order a venti caramel macchiato with a triple shot of espresso and I am fine. I am energized and productive. I feel good and alert.

But this? This is not the same espresso. There’s no f*cking way.

This? Whoever on your team designed this drink deserves to go to hell.

I bought one of these today as I did on opening shift at work. I saw this and decided to purchase it because it was new and the double shot canned drinks have been starting to lose their effect on me. I figured that this would make me far more productive than if I had gotten the double. I was wrong.

After the first hour (at 10am), I started to get jittery. Nothing too alarming, as I always get jitters no matter how much caffeine I take in shortly after I have it. However, from there it did not fade. It only got worse.

By 10:30, I was running around the store like a f*cking crazy person. My hands were shaking so badly that I could barely run the register. I was typing at lightning speed and I could probably have run up a wall. I was quite literally vibrating. I had finished cleaning tasks that normally take me until about 1pm.

By 11, the world around me seemed like it was moving in slow motion compared to how I was existing in the world. Time was no longer real. I could see sounds and hear colours.

By noon, I was manually breathing and was barley blinking, only blinking when my eyes were dry as shit because this hell drink stimulated me so heavily that my body suddenly forgot how a body was supposed to work. My teeth would not stop grinding. I could not be still for a moment out of fear that I might have imploded.

By 12:30, I suddenly developed an overwhelming need to shit. In addition to focusing on remembering to breathe and blink, I was concerned I would vomit, shit my pants, or possibly even both.

By 1pm, I felt like I could lift a f*cking mack truck. If someone had tried to rob me at gun point then I probably would have been capable of plucking bullets out of the air. I was visibly vibrating and still manually breathing and blinking. I could feel my heartbeat in every part of my body. I could see microorganisms in the air. I could hear the refrigerators at the Winn Dixie across the plaza where I bought this fucking hell beverage. I thought that if I died at 21 it would be because of alcohol poisoning or a car accident or a mugging but instead I’m going to go out because a fucking Starbucks beverage gave me the strength to lift a mack truck

By 1:30, I began experiencing bouts of crying from fear. I was still manually breathing and blinking and was painfully aware of my veins. I was still concerned I may shit my pants. Payton brought me some pizza for lunch and I devoured it as well chugged 3 bottles of water, praying to the old gods and the new for some salvation. The ingredients in your hell drink laughed at me, unaffected by my attempts to cancel out the effects of what I think may be actual crack in this can.

By 2pm, I had abandoned all hope of salvation. I was clenching my butthole and doing breathing exercises, counting down the last hour before my shift ended. My veins were throbbing and I was dizzy. I have never regretted a purchase more in my life.

It is now 4:30. I am finally experiencing a caffeine crash unlike anything I’ve previously felt. I fear I am going to die. My heart rate has returned to normal but dueto it almost exploding this morning, I am concerned it may stop.

Starbucks, today I experienced ego death. I met God today and he laughed in my face.

Death does not ride in on a pale horse. He comes in a can of Starbucks caramel triple shot coffee.

Credit. https://www.facebook.com/SabasaurusRex