I got drunk the other night
It was a decision.
99.9% of the time that I drink, the first sip – is a dedication to a night of getting out of my mind. Because i guess thats always been the point, right?
And I’ve been doing THAT since nearly a decade before i was legally allowed to – so i don’t really fuck around
Alcohol has basically been eliminated as one of my vices
The hangover, the hangxiety – honestly, i don’t have the will, orrr the liver to fight those insecurities anymore, when i have 867 other ones to worry about
But sometimes I’m weak to that particular pull of obliteration – the kind that you can only find at the bottom of a bottle
And the desire to slip into a whole different state of unconsciousness, gets to me.
Well, apparently even in lockdown i cant get my shit together
The ONE day i agree to punishment via liver – and it was fucking
EASTER
Because of COURSE it was
I don’t even know what day it is at the moment, let alone what DATE, it is
But it was the ONE day out of 8756 in the year, that alcohol is illegal.
Obviously i was not aware of this when i sent Joe off to the most exciting place on earth at the moment
He txted me from the supermarket, letting me know the devils news
Joe doesn’t drink anymore, but his favourite was always Whiskey and lucky for mee, we had a couple of bottles left
Never in my LIFE have i been a whiskey drinker
Cheap wine or vodka have always been my nirvana
I mean, i’d love to be one of those cool, hot, bad ass whiskey drinking bitches.
I’m just not made that way
But for the first like 4 drinks – i thought i was
I was totally into it
You know that super warm feeling you get as your conscious starts to melt? (Is that your brain dying? 🤔) – it was transcendent
I had my headphones on LOUD, listening to hype girl music, i was laaughing, and all ‘fuck yeeeh man’ – why the hell don’t i do this anymore? This is amaaazing
Getting all nostalgic on old songs because I’m OLD, sending messages to my friends, telling them how much i love them – the works
The drinks got stronger, the more i got used to the taste.
Now my body – she’s been through some shit
Some really gross boys, some really bad habits – and a whoole lot of alcohol
I like to think of myself as a bit of a seasoned wildling 💁🏻♀️ – so what was a bit of Whiskey gunna do?
Fuck me UP – that’s what it was gunna do. And that’s exACTly what it did
Honestly, i have no idea how much i actually drank. It wouldn’t have been a whole lot
My 15 year old self would have called me a pussy anyway, put it that way
I was sideways on the couch in the studio (the sinners room) doing that little dance inside my head when the end is nigh
You know the one – where the world spins around you and you wish you were dead?
THAT’S when i remembered what kind of a world we are living in now
One without cheeseburgers or Uber eats
And i decided i wanted NO part in it
I mean, why would you EVER get to this level of blur – when there is NO McDonald’s to save you?
So i went to bed
Which I have no recollection of.
But I DO remember waking up every two hours like a god damn baby, and vomiting – until my throat burned with regret and bile
Ohh yeh hi 👋🏼 – THIS is why i don’t drink
Because its almost imPOSSible for me to stay just on the verge or precipice if you will, (😌) of fucked up – i have to THROW myself allllll the way over it, until nothing exists anymore
As well as the fact that the next day always brings debts for my soul to pay
And in this new world we live in – i just couldn’t give it what it needed
Heealing foods – like pies and KFC
I said ‘grace’ – to a bottle of old friend Blue Powerade and screamed when i realised i hadn’t remembered to get two. Joe was absolutely NOT going to go back to the dairy for me
And Human STILL made me do the dishes in my precious state – she wouldn’t even accept cash bribes. I told her that i will never, ever forget it, don’t worry.
She’s been kept pretty sane through the last three weeks – thanks to the fact that her boyfriend is here
Lawwd, this lockdown would have looked a whooole lot different if i was a teenager when it happened. I absoluuutely would have been caught in the middle of the night going from one boys bubble to another
And then i probably would have got Coronavirus and died.
Week three and still nothing has wildly changed in my world
I’m still working, still emotionally distancing myself and STILL not doing anything productive
However i do miss, my like – 4 friends and their tiny humans
And oh my GOD – honestly I’m WET just thinking about a barista coffee
I can remember my very last one, having no idea thats what she would be 😪
Having to MAKE meals – like every SINGLE one – thats breakfast, lunch AND dinner – for multiple people – is head doing when you live in the 1920’s and don’t have a dishwasher yet – and an oven that broke down in week two
I mean – I wouldn’t know, but human tells me thats the case.
But to be honest – I feel safe in my bubble
It’s an upside down brain person’s dream
For example, i always imagine how everyone close to me could die in the most WILD ways. More times than is like – normal
Obviously my biggest fear is losing the ones i love. The ones that iii need, to keep breathing
But now – because most of them are stuck inside this bubble with me – it cuts out like 78% of all the bad things that could go wrong and kill them.
So i feel safe 🤷🏻♀️
I’m well aware that I’m fucked up, honestly
That’s only a PEEK into what it’s like inside my head. And I LIVE here
So when the time comes – and we can socialise DISTANTly – and i dont have everyone in my sight anymore – iiiim not sure how into that i am yet tbh
My poor therapist, she already has a whole lot of crazy to unravel. Having virtual therapy is amazing though, she may just never see me in person again
Neither she, nor my colleagues – can tell i don’t have pants on
To be fair – they probably don’t have them on either – but HOW good that we can ALL be comfortable in that situation?
My boobs will have a panic attack when i try to put a bra on them again one day.
But yeh, that’s basically as exciting as its been for me 💁🏻♀️
We can talk later about what brought me to the point of needing to lose consciousness – but we’re neearly there Team!
Only a WEEK until i can go and get my coffee – then go riiight back on inside 🥰
Love you x
🖤
Trigger warning : this photo was taken pre-lockdown lololol